My Sh*t Never Stopped Being Together
by T
After recapping seasons one and two of The Walking Dead, SDMattchew said he needed a break so you’re stuck with me as your temporary recapper until SD Mattchew gets his sh*t together. Please bear with me as I try to find my recap footing and please email me at t@teawithlemon.com if you see any errors because I typed this on the fly while the Editor in Chief is busy getting his sh*t together and our Senior Editor is busy redefining the Internet as you know it, rubbing elbows with movers and shakers, winning vacations, giving rousing speeches in front of large crowds in the interest of trying to help them get their shit together, and Facebooking.
In order to get caught up, I’m going to briefly recap the first three episodes (or first quarter) of season 3 in sequential order. If you have only watched the first one or the first two episodes do not fret. I will let clearly let you know when the recap for one episode ends and another begins, so if you haven’t seen the newest episode (s) you can stop scrolling down before you encounter any dreaded SPOILERS. I hate spoilers with a passion so I try to be considerate.
Now let's get on with this..
Now let's get on with this..
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| Zombie Apocalypse = world weary cast, fewer reasons to smile |
The Walking Dead
Season 3 Episode 1: Seed
About nine months have passed since the free for all, barn burning, “run for your lives!” season two finale. The survivors are world weary and bitter but have become an efficient and effective killing team under the leadership of the hottest, manliest man surviving on earth, Rick Grimes. Rick has become the Walter White of this zombie-infested environment. You do not want him to knock on your door. Shane should be grateful Rick mercifully took him out in Season 2 because Rick in his current state is scarier than any zombie. His estranged wife, Lori, is still pregnant and still annoying. Their offspring, Carl, has taken after both parents because he is turning into a very capable killing machine, like his father, but is still annoying, like his mother.
Glenn is still banging Maggie (who has turned into an effective “girl power!” zombie killer that doesn’t stay back with the other women when its time to rid areas of zombies). Maggie’s dad Hershel is still old as dirt and now has to worry about Carl coming of age and trying to bang his other cute daughter, the useless Beth, who is the only available teenage around. Daryl still looks like he needs a hot shower but continues to be one of my favorites. Carol is less useless now that she has stopped whining about her dead daughter, Sophia, and has learned to almost shoot straight.
Token-Dog continues to fascinate with his brilliant strategy of staying completely in the background and receiving absolutely no character development. This under the radar method of survival has carried him right into season 3 when he was probably on track to be the first slaughtered.
We finally get to see the katana sword wielding Michonne and we know instantly that she is not a woman to be trifled with or put in a corner. She makes mincemeat out of some zombies just so she can obtain a generic fever reducer for hard luck Andrea (who was separated from the group after suffering the slaughter of her sister in season one and the gutting of her buddy Dale season two) because Andrea is stricken with flu and a case of self pity.
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The Good News: You're about to get your big Hollywood break AND be part of a mystery on a popular TV show!
The Bad News: Not even your mothers will recognize you.
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| There was a lot of "Formation" and "Do Not Break the Circle!!" |
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| Old as dirt Hershel decides not to hang back with the women and children. Disaster follows. |
“I Don’t Think So!” counters the worlds manliest man, Rick, and my jaw drops as Rick picks up a Machete and HACKS OFF HERSHEL’S LEG right below the knee, before the zombie infection can spread. Daryl shines a light on ten peeping eyes that belong to five hardened human prisoners (!!!) that have survived this zombie apocalypse by locking themselves in the kitchen like little bitches. They have seen a lot of sh*t go down in this prison but they are as shaken and slack jawed as I am by the brutality that they've just witnessed.
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| "Da f*CK!?!?" |
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| Well, hello there! |
END of RECAP EPISODE 1
The Walking Dead
Season 3 Episode 2: Sick
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| Rick Grimes. Always thinking, making tough decisions, emitting effortless manliness, and |
Rick oversees the effective and efficient campaign to roll the unconscious and near death amputee, Hershel, back with the women and children (Where Hershel should have been in the first place, I suspect he went off with the men and Maggie to get away from Lori after she whined to him in the last episode that both her husband and son hated her. He probably was sensitive to her plight and didn't want to blurt out, "Well Lori, I don't know why but I hate you too! The only person that didn't hate you, that awful Shane, is dead!"). Rick then “negotiates” with the five former prisoners, who are already reeling from the fact that we now live in a world without cell phones or Pinterest, while their eyes adjust to the sunlight, on how things will work.
Of course, “negotiating” with Rick Grimes, the worlds manliest survivor, does not make for a situation with a lot of wiggle room:
Tomas (leader of remaining prisoners, bully): This is our cell block we will live here.
Rick: No. We took it. It is ours you can live somewhere else.
Tomas: You can have some of our food.
Rick: No. We will take HALF of your food in exchange for clearing out a prison wing for you to live in and you will like it.
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| Rick let's the prisoners know how things will work (basically, "I will end you if you don't do exactly as I say"). I'm still not sure if T-Dog is trying to look menacing, in the background, or is just having a moment of intestinal discomfort. |
Alrighty then.
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| ...now, die already! |
Despite the trauma of losing a limb combined with his being older than dirt, Hershel is still hanging on so his useless ditz of a blond daughter decides to remove one leg from all of his pants so he doesn't trip over the fabric since he will no longer need it (before the zombie apocalypse, Hershel's dumb daughter had options, like "marrying well." Now...), while his other daughter, Maggie (who, in my humble opinion, almost wants Hershel to die so she’s not burdened with an amputee while she is trying to outrun or beat down zombies) tells her dad it is OK to let go. I got angry because the scene was so well acted and sweet I was forced to feel emotion. Later, Hershel does indeed let go for everlasting peace in these troubling, apocalyptic times, but buzz-kill Lori (fresh from earning the continued loathing of her ungrateful and bratty son, after chastising him for sneaking off and competently getting medicine from the infirmary while single handedly offing two zombies that stood in his way) gives Hershel mouth to mouth and resuscitates him. This results in a big and very fun scare as Hershel pops up suddenly and we are given hope that he is now a Zombie dead set on having Lori for dinner.
No such luck.
In the middle of all this Carol and Glen kill a female zombie so Carol can practice delivering a baby in case Hershel does not make it or is too cranky to deliver a baby after he discovers that instead of just letting him die in peace, a mad man chopped off his leg. While Carol is dissecting the zombie, an unidentified peeper is watching her ass
Rick, Darryl, and Token-Bag try to teach the prisoners the basics of zombie killing with emphasis on going for the brain and never, ever breaking formation.
FAIL
The prisoners try to shank the zombies in the gut (I had to pause and rewind because I was laughing so hard) and Tiny (a huge pussy of a prisoner) breaks formation and is rewarded with a zombie bite to his fat and fleshy back.
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| Little known fact: "Fleshy Marbled Fat Back" is a zombie delicacy. It is the human equivalent of the crème de la crème of tender, fatty steaks, the Rib-Eye. |
Rick looks at Tiny like a horse that needs to be put down (sucks, but it is your time) and Tiny tries to argue that he is OK but Tomas hacks him to bits before Tiny can finish. Since the four men were locked together for almost a year, Rick, Daryl, and I all assumed two things. 1) They bonded because it was just the four of them, thus Tomas hacking Tiny to beats was especially disturbing. 2) Tiny was bottomed and he was probably bottomed by Tomas. Thus, Thomas hacking Tiny to bits was especially disturbing.
Rick and Tomas exchanged a long, lingering glare that said, “It will come down to you and me!” And I thought this was going to be big fun that would play out over a few episodes, if not the entire season.
Unconcerned with character development and slow burns, Tomas the convict (who clearly would not be a big fan of Walking Dead Season 2), tries to off Rick “accidentally” by swinging his machete wildly and then throwing a zombie on top of him! It was embarrassing. You’re going to have to try a LOT harder than that to take Rick out. If anything that Zombie was grateful to be thrown on top of such a manly man and was more concerned with breaking off a piece than killing.
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| Instead of ripping out Rick's guts as easily as Dale's were pulled out in season 2, this zombie launched into an unexpected, and stirring version of Mario's, "You Should Let Me Love You" |
I didn't see that coming. Nor did Tomas.
Remember when the actor that is Rick Grimes, Andrew Lincoln, was just a nice (albeit, impossibly handsome) bloke that...um... tried to woo Kiera Knightly away from his best friend, who just happened to be her husband, in the movie, Love Actually?
And it didn't end there.
Another inmate, Andrew (no need to remember his name, mind you), Tomas’s co-conspirator (and I suspect his lover) bolted like he was going somewhere, not realizing Rick is not one for loose ends. Rick took off after Andrew and when he caught up to him he mercilessly locked him in a pen filled with hungry zombies. As Rick walked away, Andrews pained screams made me wonder if the zombies had, in turn, locked Andrew in a pen with Lori Grimes so she could continue to whine about her estranged husband, ungrateful son, and unborn baby that may eat her from the inside out should it die while still in the womb.
The last two remaining prisoners are spared after the wimpy white one whines so much it is clear he won’t be any trouble and the last remaining black prisoner behaves in such a stoic, and dignified manner, that it would just be rude to kill him. Rick and his trusty sidekick Daryl allow the two of them to remain in the just cleared cell block. I’m jolted out of my “well they do have access to the outdoors and could plant a lovely garden and eventually brighten up these dim surrounding with fresh flowers,” train of thought when something completely unexpected and terrifying happens.
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| T-Dog. Storyline free and still kickin! |
Hershel shocks us all…by living. Even if he hadn't been bitten by a zombie it would have been a bit of a surprise (these years are precious) so hats off to Hershel!
END of RECAP EPISODE 2
The Walking Dead
Season 3 Episode 3: Walk With Me
Now that Rick Grimes has become more terrifying than an entire herd of zombies, The Walking Dead needed to introduce something even more hateful than the zombies to stir the pot. The third episode of the season, "Walk with Me," set out to do just that. Did it succeed? Yes.This is a TV show that clearly has its sh*t together.
Andrea (she of the hard knock life), Michonne (will kill you), and the two zombie pets watch a helicopter go down and decide to investigate. They hide in the bushes and watch as a mysterious crew arrives upon the wreckage. Michonne's zombies begin to get fussy so Michonne chops their heads off before the mysterious crew discovers....
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| "Hush up now!" |
Too late.
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| Merle |
Well look who's here! Merle! That wacky, racist, older brother of Daryl. Merle was left hand-cuffed to a rooftop in season one for being "difficult" (Merle is not a big fan of black people so he saw fit to beat up on T-Dog at will. Yup. That was the last time T-Dog had a story-line. As Merle's punching bag.). Merle hacked off his own hand to free himself and we were left to wonder what the hell happened to him. We learned two things during Merle's reintroduction:
1. He's Horny
2. He has a new, very useful hand.
3. And damn does he know how to make an entrance.
Michonne and Andrea are prisoners but not prisoners of The Governor. The Governor, Merle, and the other henchmen are residents of the guarded town of Woodbury. Which looks like a creepy Pleasanton. The people (seventy something) have resumed as close to a normal (albeit, pretty boring) life as possible. It is all so perfectly pleasant and too good to be true that Andrea and Michonne are skeptical. 3. And damn does he know how to make an entrance.
Not one for chit-chat, Michonne let’s her expressions do the talking. And she has a LOT to not say.
Of course, it would NOT be a good idea to point this out to her because Michonne....
....thinks her shit never STOPPED being together!
The Governor, Merle, and their henchmen locate the allies of the military helicopter that crashed at the beginning of the episode. The bloke that greets them is very handsome. Then the unforgivable happened.
The Governor shot the handsome soldier and then bashed his face in. I officially hate the Governor and it gets even worse. While one of the soldiers is fleeing for safety. The Governor SHOOTS HIM IN THE BACK. He is deplorable. We all know that Rick Grimes would have chased that soldier down on foot, before possibly offing him. The expressions of several of the henchmen let us know that they too know the Governor is not a nice man.
Speaking of Rick Grimes, he and his crew are entirely missing from this episode. Andrea is the only main character that we are familiar with to appear in this episode! It was a big gamble but it paid off.
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| Andrea brings her milkshake to the Governors yard |
When the full of shit and mean spirited Governor arrives back to town he declares the soldiers were already dead but he helped himself to their vehicles and weapons. Andrea (who still hasn't learned her lesson about staying away from bad boys, like dead Shane, and clearly needs more than a few days to get her shit together), is strolling around town showing off her adorable figure and bats her eyes at the Governor and asks if he will ever tell her his real name. When he says, "Never," she says, "Never say Never," so he says "Never," again because he is a gigantic asshole.
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| But I like gigantic assholes. |
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| Me too |
Andrea will have to wait another day for her crack at the Governor because he goes home to sleep with one of the town residents (I think she is a scientist). She's passed out on the bed when he sneaks off to a secret room. A secret room which contain several (still alive) walker heads that include Michonne's pets and the guy that was in the helicopter who opened his fat mouth and got all his buddies killed.
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| Michonne senses someone does NOT have their shit together! |
