Piss Off, Hiatus by The Awards Witch
What a long, strange summer it has been.
In case you hadn’t noticed, I skipped my July column. I thought it would be a little too mean-spirited
and tactless to rip the (mostly) crap that hit theaters directly on the tail of that worthless shit-for-brains asshole with an arsenal in Colorado acting like… well, a worthless shit-for-brains asshole with an arsenal.
So here it is the beginning of September, mini-Awards season upon us, and the whole summer to review. Rather than a 400 page dissertation, I have grouped the movies into categories for you, ranked in order of their chances for an Oscar Nomination and how little they pissed me off.
Shall we start at the top or the bottom? Eh, I’m in a good enough mood. Let’s start with the good ones.
ParaNorman. I must say, not that most of you care, but this has been a banner year for animation. The under 12’s are getting the best of the best in 2012. It just sucks once you hit 13, what with puberty and crap movies.
Savages: I hope I’m not alone here. This was a really long, strange trip that made me want to rewatch. Except for Salma Hayek’s bangs. And Blake Lively in general. Can’t they cast someone actually alive? Blah. That dimbo sees Ryan Reynolds naked. On the regular. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Celeste and Jesse Forever: I won’t lie. I think Rashida Jones is consistently spot on as a comedic actress. Andy Samberg was a total surprise in this movie, where he wasn’t rapping in shoulder pads and a wig with his dick in a box, but what might be a shoe in for this movie is the screenplay. It was JUST different and engaging enough for an absolutely epic acceptance speech. Also, did you know Rashida Jones was Quincy Jones' daughter? I sure as shit didn't.
If Nothing Better Comes Along-s
These movies aren’t good enough in a typical year, but with as much garbage getting tossed out as we
have seen this year, well, a Witch never knows…
The Odd Life of Timothy Green: There is a little Mary Poppins in this that makes it enjoyable, and as
there are expected to be 3,742 Best Picture Nominations this year, this could be one of them. Also, the kid rocks some awesome socks.
The Dark Knight Rises: Christian Bale’s last tight fit into the codpiece may get some special effects
nominations. If not…
The Amazing Spiderman will. Also, as much as I cannot stand to look at Kirsten Dunst, MJ over Gwen ANY DAY!!
Lawless might get some art direction or cinematography love, for all the scenes when Shia LeBalls face isn’t ruining it for everyone.
Swing and A Miss
Hope Springs: Meryl Streep can do no wrong, ever, but this just won’t be her year. The thing that pisses me off the most is that everyone appears surprised that Tommy Lee Jones was good in a role that doesn’t require him to be law enforcement. Dude. He is an actor. He makes a shit ton of money. He fricking better be able to play an old married dude who isn’t getting laid.
Ice Age-Attention Span Drift: Come on. I know this is a good year for animation, and that these are
normally awesome, but these movies have been coming out for longer than the last actual ice age. I’m
kind of over it.
Killer Joe: Not the way I like to see Matthew McConaughey. They should have held this bad boy until way after Magic Mike. Any voting member of whatever academy is playing that happens to be female is going to be annoyed with this.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid- Dog Days: Enough. This kid has got to be about 30 now. They should just cast him on the reboot of 90210 as Kelly Taylor’s son and we should all move on. It makes me feel bad for the kid who plays Rowley, though. I love him. I fear for him though. I have a feeling his career will go the way of the kid who played Paul Pfieffer on The Wonder Years.
Oh, Hell No
Make sure you say that with feeling.
Total Recall: I’m not even giving you my thoughts. I want to forget this happened.
The Bourne Legacy: Jeremy Renner is NOT Matt Damon. LALALALALALALALALALA
Sparkle: Oy. Well, Whitney looked good in this. Her hair was done well.
The Campaign: I don’t get the Will Ferrell phenomenon. He should be disallowed from playing any role other than Frank the Tank.
The Watch: Dude. If Vince Vaughn wasn’t in this to give me the chance to type his name here, I’d skip it entirely.
Katy Perry-Six Degrees of John Mayer: EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Step Up: Revolution: Did you know this wasn’t a game for your X-Box Kinect?
The Expendables 2: Dammit. The script for the Expendables didn’t kill off these has beens. Rumors are there is a part 3 in the works. Yippee. Can't these fools just pour their hearts out to Dr. Drew for a couple of bucks and a stripper on Celebrity Rehab?
With the summer the way it has been, do you blame me for counting down the days to The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey opens? Aren't you?
Maybe you are just counting down the days 'til the next Awards Show Live Blog? LUCKY YOU! VMA's are going down tomorrow night at 8:00! Emmy's are coming up on the 23rd! It will be just like old times!
See you tomorrow?