by The Awards Witch
So here we are again, tea-drinkers. Only this time, we have Jimmy Kimmel and the Emmy Awards. And I have high hopes for this fool, as I am typically a fan of him f^*ing Ben Affleck. The opening skit is about as lame as it gets, but the live stuff better damn well be good.
8:05 pm (ET): We have our first joke about Honey Boo Boo. Followed up by a riff on British people and Mitt Romney.
8:07: Mad Men again has the most nominations of any show. I am noticing that Jimmy Kimmel looks pretty damn thin, which means he has been off the carbs for about as long as Sofia Vergara...
8:09: The montages have begun, this time an unfunny tribute to comedy. That is going on far, far too long.
8:11: Amy Poheler and Louis C.K. doing an intro that is scripted to be awkward. It is actually awkward, but not intentionally. Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: The cast of Modern Family and the dude from New Girl up against Bill Hader from SNL.
8:13: CAM FTW!!!!!! Eric Stonestreet! Ok, seriously, Modern Family had the clear edge here. LOVE HIM. "There is no Cam without Mitch." So amazing. He is thanking the gays for the naked pictures they send him.
8:18: And we're back. Our next presenters are very white people. Sheldon and New Girl.
8:19: She bothers the crap out of me. I wonder if the shapeless sack she is wearing is made out of cotton. Perhaps she could use Siri to find a new one. They are introducing Best Comedy Writing. So help me God if the idiot from Girls wins.
8:20: Louis C.K. is taking this one home. He always amuses me. He looks like a middle school shop teacher 3 months away from retirement. He is giving the most non-funny acceptance speech for a comedy writer ever. YAWN.
8:22: OK, I just smirked for the first time. Breaking Bad in Mayberry.
8:23: Jon Cryer and Kat Dennings to introduce Supporting Actress in a Comedy. Blossom, the adult women from Modern Family and Kristen "Bridesmaids" Wiig are up for this one.
8:24: Julie Bowen pulling a repeat for Modern Family. She looks AMAZING, and Sofia Vergara yells from the audience. Awesome.
8:31: Am I missing something? We just cut from a commercial to Chandler reading off a list of best guest spots both female and male. Apparently Kathy Bates and Jimmy Fallon won some Emmy Awards, and are now here to present the award for Best Comedy Direction.
8:33: Some guy who directed an episode of Modern Family won. I am sensing a theme here. Granted, it's the best show on television, so I guess it is ok that it is sweeping.
8:36: Modern Family short about Lily being one of the Children of the Corn. Funniest moment of the night so far.
8:38: Melissa McCarthy not shitting in a sink and Mindy Kaling are here to announce Best Male Lead in a Comedy. If Sheldon wins, he will equal Michael J Fox for Family Ties with 3 consecutive Emmy Awards. I love Sheldon.
8:40: Jon Cryer. Huh? Isn't this the lead actor category? What just happened? Isn't his job to be the nerd sidekick? WTF? Next.
8:44: Steven Colbert to announce Best Female Lead in a Comedy Series. I think Amy Poehler is like the Susan Lucci of the Primetime Emmys in this category. AND there are 7 nominees. So help me God if the idiot from Girls wins.
8:45: Holy Shit! Elaine just pulled out the win! Her dress looks frighteningly similar to my prom dress from 1994. Funny moment when she started her acceptance speech and "accidentally" read Amy Poehler's. Awesome. And now she is getting played off with one more Amy Poehler joke.
8:49: Montage of reality television. Please please please have Snooki on here.
8:50: We got The Situation. Eh.
8:51: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have Dawson.
8:52: Best Reality Competition goes to The Amazing Race. Fun little tidbit for you, tea-drinkers: I went to high school with a kid who won The Amazing Race one year. Fun stuff.
8:57: Short with Sheldon being excited about the accountants. I love Sheldon.
9:00: Tom Bergeron for getting goosed by Maks on every performance episode of Dancing With the Stars. Thanking Jeff Probst for not getting nominated.
9:02: Montage #10, as the show moves into the year in drama.
9:04: Claire Danes in the ugliest maternity dress ever to announce Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Dude. She's rich, right? I had maternity wear from Target that was hotter than this.
9:05: Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad. I hope I spelled this dude's name right, as I didn't know what it was prior to about 30 seconds ago. I would have went with Peter Dinklage.
9:12: Just so you know, I am eating room temperature Irish Potatoes. They are delicious.
9:13: Everyone go on facebook or twitter and write "OMG, Tracey Morgan just passed out on the Emmys". Jimmy Kimmel thinks this will be funny.
9:14: Connie Britton and the Cheerleader (who, btw, is my best dressed of the evening so far) presenting Best Writing for Drama.
9:15: The writers for Homeland win. Tracey Morgan is still laying on the floor.
9:17: Also announcing Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. We must be short on time.
9:18: Professor McGonagall FTW! Dame Maggie Smith! Sadly, she isn't around so the Cheerleader accepts on her behalf. Yay!!
9:22: John Carlo Esposito (am I spelling that right) announcing nominees for Best Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series. Somehow, Michael J Fox didn't win. I call bullshit.
9:24: Martha Plimpton and some dude dressed up as roadkill won the above, so they are announcing Best Director for a Drama Series.
9:25: Some guy who directed an episode of Boardwalk Empire won, but he isn't there, so moving right along.
9:26: Jimmu Kimmel doing a Live Sea Scrolls tribute to himself, complete with Josh Groban singing One Direction songs and taking a final swipe at Matt Damon. Eh.
9:27: Nurse Hathaway announcing Lead Actor in a Drama. She looks a little off. Hmm. Maybe Pro-active needs a new spokesperson.
9:28: Damian Lewis for Homeland. He's a little bit of a ginger now, isn't he? Whoa!!! He is married to Narcissa Malfoy! Looks like this is yet another awards show that lets you play Six Degrees of Harry Potter.
9:36: Tina Fey and Jon Hamm. Oh, Tina Fey, how I have missed you so far tonight. Announcing Lead Actress in a Drama Series. Glenn Close was nominated as a woman again.
9:38: Claire Danes, but for Homeland and not My So Called Life. Look, I don't want to watch her in any scenario that doesn't involve Jordan Catalano. Sweet Jesus. She just said "Holla." Dude. I can't.
9:43: Aziz Ansari in a British accent announcing Best Variety Writing.
9:45: Louis C.K. again. Wheee....
9:51: Ricky Gervais announcing Variety Directing. He is about as funny as he was on the last Golden Globes.
9:53: The guy who is directing the Emmy's just won for directing the Tony Awards. Very strange. He directed someone to play him off, and then threw the show back to Ricky Gervais. Hey, thanks for nothing, pal.
9:54: Announcing best variety or comedy show.
9:56: !!!!! The Daily Show with John Stewart!!! They've won for 10 consecutive years! BTW, if you haven't seen the episode recapping the Republican National Convention's "Fistful of Awesome" then I highly suggest that you get on youtube IMMEDIATELY.
10:02: Jimmy Kimmel's parents are here. And getting ribbed by Tracy Morgan, who is feeling better, I think. And the parents get kicked out.
10:03: Montage #6548936, The Year in Miniseries and Movies. Officially struggling to stay awake.
10:05: Steve Buscemi announcing Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie. Again, American Horror Story is in the wrong category.
10:06: And again, Jessica Lange picks up an award for AHS. Love her, hate the category misplacement.
10:13: Kerry Washington, who was earlier revealed to be the love of Tracy Morgan's life, is here to announce Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. She has mispronounced a full half of every word she has said.
10:14: Tom Berenger for The Hatfields and the McCoys. He appears to use the same plastic surgeon as Joan Rivers, so it must have been quite the stretch to pretend he was some dude in West Virginia in the 1800's. He is being played off telling a story about his uncle and rabid raccoons. I have no idea wtf is going on right now.
10:17: Clint Howard's brother, Ron, talking about Andy Griffith and the 8 seasons they worked on The Andy Griffith Show together, which must be a cue for the Dead Sea Scrolls.
10:22: Steve Jobs was somehow included. Interesting.
10:26: Lucy Liu and Keifer Sutherland announcing two awards tonight. The first one is for Miniseries or Movie writing.
10:27: The guy who wrote Game Change, or as I like to call it "Can You Believe This Bitch?"
10:28: Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie
10:29: Julianne Moore, for not vomiting all over herself while playing everyone's favorite idiot up North. She announces that she is validated because Nailin' Palin gave her a big thumbs down. Sweet. The only unfortunate thing about this is that she clearly bought her dress on the clearance rack at Lands End.
10:35: Jon Stewart running through the audience with a banana and a bottle of water. Ok.
10:36: Ginnifer Goodwin and the chick from Revenge announcing Director, Miniseries or Movie.
10:36: The guy who directed Game Change, or as I like to call it "Is This Bitch Kidding Me?"
10:38: Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.
10:38: Kevin Costner, for whatever West Virginia bullshit he was in. Again, if you read my awards show blogs, you know how I feel about this yay-yo. I've said it before, and I will say it again: Waterworld.
10:46: Line at the Bathroom left me unable to tell you who announced the winner of Best Miniseries or Move, but Tom Hanks is accepting as Executive Producer of Game Change, or as I like to call it, "WTF Is Wrong With This Bitch?"
10:48: Julianne Moore to Announce Best Drama Series.
10:49: Homeland, being accepted by some dude who isn't Jordan Catalano. I just want Claire Danes and Julianne Moore to stand next to each other and give tv viewers some form of seizure disorder.
10:52: I may have just broken my finger trying to open a jar of Pumpkin Butter. Totally sucks, but I made beer bread with a Dogfish Head Punk'n today, so it was a necessary sacrifice. It's totally pissing me off that my exclamation point-typing finger is jacked up, though.
10:55: My favorite TV Actor of all time, Michael J Fox, is here to announce Best Comedy Series. The audience gives him a standing ovation. I could not love him and everything he does more.
10:56: The Emmy goes to Modern Family. I just care that Michael J Fox appears healthy.
And that's a wrap. Eh. It was ok. Better than most. I think there needs to be an awards show that is hosted by Jon Stewart and Tina Fey, where I pick not only the categories televised, but I am the sole voter. Kimmel was ok, but the fact that he couldn't get Affleck or Damon was kind of disconcerting and annoying to me. Put up or shut up, Kimmel.
Check back on the 1st of October for my September wrap up!