ESPY'S Live Blog: The Awards Witch

Live from the Nokia Theater by The Awards Witch

Look at your left pinky. See how small it is? That is how much I know about (non-Olympic) sports. In my house, we are Pittsburgh fans (and by we, I mean my husband, so we are all guilty by association of rooting for the wrong Pennsylvania team. Especially since we live about 3 miles from Philadelphia.) So of course I know that the new Hallmark Christmas Football ornament will be a Hines Ward ornament. And that is about the extent of how much I care about professional sports. I did also realize today that Ryan Seacrest keeps tweeting nonsense about voting for the LA Kings for #BestTeam. I guess it's Sports Neutral.

As I doubt there will be any Quidditch-specific categories, we are stuck with the normal muck.

And away we go...

9:00 pm (Eastern) Cue the Montage of all of the big moments in sports from this year. I recognize only the ones that TMZ reported on.

9:03: Joe Paterno unceremoniously lumped in the show-opening Dead Sea Scrolls right before Hightower from the Police Academy movies.



9:06: We are in montage number 3. Hmm... Is Baseketball a real sport? Because these montages are about as long as a Baseketball season. They are at least as long as the NBA Playoffs.

9:07: Rob Riggle is the host. Am I spelling it right? I don't know who this fool is. But he is honored... And on the stage long enough at this point to crack at least one joke. Oy.

9:08: So, the LA Kings are a Hockey Team. Touche, Seacrest. I get it now.

9:10: We've moved onto LeBron. A whole series of "So he didn't go to Cleveland in the best way, but who cares." Dude. Millions of people obviously care. And you aren't funny.

9:14: There is a really tall man playing for the Baylor women's basketball team. His name is Brittany.

9:17: Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single season passing record. And this Wiggle dude got all 7th grade girl about it. And then cracked a bunch of "Saints-have-a-slush-fund-to-hurt-people" jokes. Drew Brees wasn't too happy about it. But everyone else was.

9:20: I do agree with the whole line of "this is about sports, so why are we talking about car racing."

9:21: "Are you guys ready to start this show?" Huh?

9:22: Jessica Biel dressed like Lara Flynn Boyle at the Emmy's during Twin Peaks (or The Practice, they kind of ran together for me) and Tim Tebow with a spray tan announcing breakthrough athlete. I call Jeremy Lin. Becaase I have heard of him. Although I would like to see Alex Morgan win, because women's soccer is seriously ignored by sports media and it's a damn shame.

9:25: Jeremy Lin. Well, I called it. But I'm not happy about it. Ah, well. I assume Alex Morgan is in London preparing now anyway. On a bright note, this dude is dressed like a 12 year old violin prodigy. Wow. You would think he could afford a stylist.

9:26: Starting to feel a little bad for not realizing that the Brittany chick I referenced above was not a dude. I will go to church on Sunday. That was kind of mean, even for me.

9:35: Ridiculously long commercial break. And now we are on to Olympic jokes.

9:36: "America's most famous celebrity is Snooki and the winner of the Best Picture was a black and white silent movie. We are moving backwards." Ok, that was kind of funny.

9:37: This shithead just made fun of Harry Potter. Heathen.

9:40: Best female athlete. Again, let's give it to the soccer team. I vote for Abby Wambach. Who, I just checked, is indeed in London. You know, playing sports. Although I bet they go with Lindsey Vonn. She has a cool name.

9:41: Brittany Griner. I can report that she was not cup-checked on her way to accept, so all of these people must know for a fact something that I am not too sure of.

9:48: Montage. Famous moments of triumphing over adversity. I have got to stop this Brittany Griner thing. It's making me feel bad about myself.

9:50: Some dude in need of a serious haircut named "Chris Berman." Or "Burman." Whatever. Not really sure what the hell his whole point is, but they just brought out Kenny Chesney. Country music isn't so much my thing, so all I know of this guy is Renee Zellweger disliked him so much she filed for an annullment instead of a divorce so she could pretend it never happened. Burn.

9:52: He is announcing Best Record-Breaking Performance: I officially didn't know about any of them. I guess TMZ couldn't have given a shit either. But apparently some 16 year old girl won an LPGA Major. That's some cool stuff.

9:54: Not cool enough. Drew Brees won for the aforementioned Dan Marino-busting. He is wearing a suit that appears to be made of out Reynold's Wrap and is thanking Dan Marino. On a bright note, he is thanking all of his team by using the ridiculous nicknames men give each other when women aren't around to make fun of them. Two highlights: there are players that go by "Avatar" and "Baby Brontosaurus." Five bucks the offensive line kicks Drew Brees' ass come camp.

9:58: Commercial Break. I am getting ice cream.

10:03: Joel McHale to announce Best Game. I have not seen a single one.

10:08: 49er's v. Saints. How does this work? Who gets the award? Isn't that like rubbing salt in a wound for the Saints?

10:09: Drew Brees looks totally pissed, as the 49ers accepted. With some kid named Jimmy who has Cystic Fibrosis. They let him hold the trophy and he looked overwhelmed. That warms even my cold heart.

10:14: The Arthur Ashe Award is being announced by Peyton Manning. I like Peyton Manning, but he poses a conundrum for me. He clearly has more money than anyone I will ever know and is an elite, extremely talented athlete. He has a heart of gold and is obviously just an all around awesome guy. You would have thought God would have thrown that guy a fricking bone and made him hot. Ah, well. I guess you can't have everything.

10:17: The Arthur Ashe Award does to Pat Summitt, the winningest college basketbal coach in history. I'm ok with it. Go Title IX!

10:19: Cool fact #1: When this lady started coaching at Tennessee, the NCAA was still 8 years away from recognizing Women's Basketball as a sport.

10:21: Cool fact #2: In her 38 years as the coach at Tennessee, every single one of her players graduated.

10:23: Holy shit! She has Alzheimer's! And she kept coaching. I'm guessing this is not news to most of you. But that is pretty awesome.

10:26: Best tribute montage ever. I am officially a fan of this woman. I'm blinking a little too much for my cold heart to handle right now. And holy hell, is Peyton Manning tall.

10:27: Her son escorted her. He looks pretty young, which is pretty heartbreaking.

10:33: Some stupid set piece with two athletes who **wink,wink** didn't know they were on camera ripping on this Wiggle dude. DUMB.

10:37: A dude from Magic Mike and a tall blonde girl announcing Comeback Athlete. What a shitty award to win. That basically says "it sucks that you were injured and weak, but congrats on not sucking when you recover". WTF.

10:39 They better not give this shit to Sidney Crosby. Again, we are Pittsburgh fans here. Any further glorification of The Next One risking his life and future to play a sport and ignore his health is just absolutely detrimental.

10:40: Matthew Stafford. I think he is from Detroit. He looks like a football player. I warned you I had no idea WTF was going on.

10:46 Shawn White sporting my Sunday Morning Ponytail look and Olivia Munn announcing Best Upset. I again astound with my ability to apparently avoid cool sports moments like the plague.

10:49: Winners are the LA Kings. Maybe I don't understand this category. Didn't they win the Stanley Cup? Is that considered an upset?

10:51: Stuart Scott. I like this guy. Well, at least I recognize him from the vast amounts of Sports Cener I walk away from. This is a skit about Fantasy Football.

**Let me digress a moment here. I played Fantasy Football one season in my husband's league. i am pretty sure they let me do it becuase I would be an easy loss. Idiots. They didn't realize how ridiculously competitive I am. Monopoly was a contact sport in my house growing up. I ended up playing for the championship. I lost because Eli Manning had a great game and violated my "Theory of The Hotter Quarterback."

10:59: Some dude who made an insanely clutch 3 pointer at the buzzer to win a game won this one. He thanked "Hoosier Nation" and God. He was cute. Good for him.

11:08: Best Moment: Keeping the streak alive. SHIT!!! I saw the game with Tebow's clutch Hail Mary against the Steelers.

11:09: And Tebow wins. $5 he thanks God.

11:10: He thanked the Denver Broncos and asked Peyton Manning to take care of them. He seems like a nice young man.

11:12: Rob Lowe is announcing the Jimmy V Award for Perseverence. He is the perfect guy to do it. He hasn't given up on his career, when most of the rest of us have.

11:15 Eric LeGrand, who was a college football player who is a quadriplegic after a horrible football injury. He is from Avenel, NJ. If you aren't from Jersey, you've never heard of it. If you are, you know its where the sex offender prison is. It wouldn't be a place that would connote an inspirational human interest story like the one this kid is living. He says that when he walks again, he is going to go lay back down on the field but then he is going to get up and finish the play. I am now also a fan of this kid.

**Can I just throw out there that in spite of the shitty host, this is officially the best awards show this whole year. Bravo to the producers, this is a hell of a show.**

11:27: Jeremy Renner and his tiny little body announcing nominees for Best Male Athlete. Let's see. I know who 2 of the 4 are. I'm betting LeBron.

11:30: And I am right. And he got a little bit booed. He is joining via live satelite from Las Vegas, which, as Jeremy Renner just pointed out, is a 45 minute flight.

11:32: Up next, Best Team. And then maybe I can go to bed. You see, here on the East Coast, it is late and Little Witchy will be up in about 5 1/2 hours, yelling at me to get her some cereal and juice. The things I don't do for you, Tea-drinkers.

11:36: Vince Vaughan in a skit. Doesn't matter what it is about. It's Vince Vaughan. I still love him, even if he is a puffy shadow of his former self.

11:37: Danica Patrick and Steve Nash announcing Best Team. She is dressed like she is going to the prom.

11:39: Twitterverse has awarded the Miami Heat with the Espy for Best Team. Now there is booing. And two super tall dudes who have to lean down to speak into the microphone.

11:41: Wiggle just thanked Nas. I can now officially not stop giggling

And that's the show. If you were expecting hardcore sports analysis, clearly you stumbled on this by accident. That's not how this works, buddy.

The Emmy's aren't until September 23rd, but the VMA's are Thursday, September 6th, so it won't be too long a wait until I'm back with a live blog. You won't even miss me too much, because I will have two monthly Oscar recaps before then! So check back on August 1st and September 1st to see the Oscar chances of the summer movie releases are!

See you soon!

Posted in: Espy's,Quidditch,Rob Riggle,The Awards Witch