The Fey and Baldwin Show by The Awards Witch
All told, there is no form of entertainment that I enjoy more than a well-produced Awards Show. Compelling categories, riveting performances, heartfelt acceptance speeches, some raised-in-a-barn asshole dropping the F note on the most important moment of their career... These are the things that childhood dreams are made of. Every lighting designer, actor, director, makeup artist, producer, screenwriter and cinematographer grew up dreaming of the moment that they would get the chance to bask in the recognition of their peers at such an event.
This year, a whole generation of children will decide to become astronauts or POTUS, because the Emmy nominations just proved that dreams don't come true unless you suck...for the most part. They got a couple of things right, but not enough to keep me from bitching. It's kind of like Chick-fil-a. They serve the best sweet tea in the world. That doesn't mean I wouldn't rather drink donkey piss than pay to eat there.
Ahem. The Emmys.
Ok, I would apologize for the rant that's coming, but I wouldn't mean it, and you wouldn't believe me, so let's just rage on, shall we?
Best Drama Series: As Mad Men is nominated in categories it doesn't even qualify for, and as I may be the lone female alive that doesn't want to ever see Don Draper naked, I am not calling this one the easy way. I give this to either Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones. Both are superior series to Mad Men, as well as Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, and Homeland. But as I am starting to believe these things can be bought, I bet Mad Men has some deep pockets.
Best Comedy Series: Modern Family is to comedy what Mad Men is to whatever category it has shoe-horned itself into this year. I call it clearly for MF, the darling of the Emmys, but would like to point out that at a time in it's run where it should be floundering and trying to re-find itself, The Big Bang Theory is still on the top of it's game. The writing is crisp, the characters tailored, and the production top notch. Also, so long as it remains on YouTube, I can always replay the clip where Sheldon is LAIR-ing at a convention, and utters the best line ever written for network television. "Fetch me Wil Wheaton!" will instantly put me in a better mood, no matter the circumstance. Hell, I've watched it 4 times today trying to get over the nomination jackassery.
I mean, seriously. Veep was nominated in this category. I don't even know what channel this is on, or why Elaine doesn't work for Mr. Peterman anymore. How did the Emmy voters find it to watch it? How did Girls get nominated for Best Comedy Series? That shit is a tragedy if I ever saw one. If I wanted to watch something that is supposed to look like a reality show but just ends up looking scripted as hell, I'll wait for the new season of Jersey Shore to air. And then watch it in HD to get all the 'roid acne and early onset skin leather up close and personal. You know what? I actually would RATHER watch Snooki that Girls. At least Snooki gets it and is in on the joke. The creators of Girls? Not so much...
Best Mini-Series or Made For TV Movie: Is it me, or is anyone else REALLY DAMN CONFUSED here? How the f&*%&^ is American Horror Story a Mini-series?!?!?! What am I missing? It's like pitching a hairless 23 year old at the Little League World Series. I call shenanigans on this category, and as awesome as AHS is, I hope it doesn't win here... because it doesn't belong here. I would like to see Game Change take the Emmy, as Julianne Moore had to work really damn hard to be really damn dumb, and should be recognized for that as she won't win where she is nominated. I haven't seen Luther, but as BBC America usually does well for themselves, they could sneak a W.
Aside from AHS being mis-nominated here, The Hatfields and The McCoys bears the stain of a gill-ridden Kevin Costner, who I have not even been able to look at since Waterworld, so that is out. Also out? Hemingway and Gellhorn. Sorry. Not good. And I wanted to like it. I am a fan of Poppa. A big one. Which of course leads me to believe the writers of this were NOT.
Actor, Drama Series: This is Bryan Cranston's Emmy to lose. He is up against Mr. Pink, the serial killer who in real life married and divorced his TV sister, Jon "keep your pants on" Hamm, the dude from Homeland, and the Earl of Grantham. If Mr. Pink does pull it off, I think the remaining nominees should get together and cut off his ear.
Actress, Drama Series: Again, Glenn Close is nominated in the female iteration of this category. Whatever. Because clearly that is a good idea, especially in an Olympic year. She is up against Elizabeth Moss from
Supporting Actor, Drama Series: This is the remaining male cast of Breaking Bad v. the remaining male cast of Downton Abbey, with Jared Harris from Mad Men thrown in because, dammit, we cannot have an Emmy's without randomly nominating Mad Men. Matters not, (not sweet)tea-drinkers. All will bow to the awesomeness that is Peter Dinklage, repeating Golden Globes glory at the Emmys.
Supporting Actress, Drama Series: The other two chicks from The Good Wife, duking it out with Anna Gunn from Breaking Bad and Christina Hendrick's boobs from...yup, Mad Men. Also in the mix? Dame Maggie Smith and the other chick from Downton Abbey. Also to close to call right now.
Actor, Comedy Series: Ok, I love Alec Baldwin and his hatred of regular people more than most, but enough. Seriously. If these shows love him so much, just name it "The Alec Baldwin Award for Best Actor in a Comedy Series" and move on. See? It's genius. As I won't likely be getting my way, however, here is hoping he loses out to either Jim Parson for The Big Bang Theory or Ty Burrell from Modern Family. What is that you say? He wasn't nominated here? Huh?
I guess this award will then go to either Larry David (or not), Louis C.K. (nope), Jon Cryer (really? He gets a Best Actor and not a Best Supporting Actor? Not Ashton's year, man) and Don Fricking Cheadle from Hotel Rwanda, which wasn't a damn bit funny. Unless George Clooney is involved, I don't want to see this cat doing comedy. I want him saving the world, cape, tights and all. Honestly, what a lame ass nominated class here. Shit. Baldwin almost has to win this, unless Parson can pull the upset. I hope his video clip involves Wil Wheaton.
The Tina Fey Award For Best Actress in a Comedy Series nominees are: Melissa McCarthy, for
Oh. And Tina Fey. Look, I worship at the alter of the individual who single-handedly swung the last presidential election, but seriously. See my notes above, about Baldwin.
Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: The entire adult male cast of Modern Family (including a ridiculously misnominated Ty Burrell) v. the dude from The New Girl and Bill Hader from SNL. Want to bet Modern Family splits the vote and Hader wins?
Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Blossom for TBBT, the late, great Kathryn Joosten from Desperate Housewives, the other chick from Nurse Jackie, Kristen Wiig from SNL, and Gloria and Claire from Modern Family. 1. I am not on the Kristen Wiig bandwagon. 2. Blossom was horrible when she had her own show, so photobombing someone else's was never a good idea 3. Someone from Modern Family will win this. That is all.
Actor, Mini Series or Movie: Some big movie names here: Woody Harrelson, Kevin "Finding Nemo" Costner, Bill Paxton, Clive Owen, Idris Elba. I give this one to Benedict Cumberbatch. I just want to hear someone say that out loud without giggling. Also, how many fricking Sherlock Holmes stories are there, Masterpiece Theater? Good grief.
Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Again with the movie stars ganging up on a tv actress. Poor Connie Britton. It may be uncomfortable for you to run into Ashley Judd, Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore and Emma Thompson in the bathroom. Especially after you win. And that is saying a lot for this witch. Meeting Emma Thompson is on my bucket list. (Also David Beckham, but that will most likely culminate in someone pressing charges.)
Reality Program: As Jersey Shore, Dance Moms, Storage Wars and Hillbilly Handfishin' were egregiously overlooked in this category, I can only report what the other noms are with no feeling or emotion as there is now ZERO chance of an epic acceptance speech: Antiques Roadshow (ok, maybe some emotion. WTF?!); Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution; Mythbusters; Sharktank; Undercover Boss; Who Do You Think You Are.
Reality Competition: The Amazing Race; Dancing With The Stars; Project Runway; So You Think You Can Dance; Top Chef and The Voice. I don't give a shit who wins here either, although I think that both Maks and Adam should be on hand to accept if either of their shows win. Shirtless.
Variety Show: The Colbert Report; The Daily Show With Jon Stewart; Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon; Real Time With Bill Maher; SNL. I make a point not to miss most of these shows, so I'm ok with whoever wins here.
Children's Program: Drake jump-off Degrassi, iCarly; Victorious; Wizards of Waverly Place; Good Luck, Charlie. Odd nominating here. Degrassi is meant for a much older audience than the others in this category, and the show that I think would be the easy winner, Nickelodeon's House of Anubis, wasn't even nominated. I guess because the producers would rather fill the seats with Selena Gomez and Miranda Cosgrove than some British no-names... Lame.
Sigh...
I would like to formally suggest that from this point on, I am the sole decider of who gets the nominations. Then, I won't give a shit who wins because only actual potential winners would be nominated. The only upside to this debacle that I can see is that I will clearly have quite a bit to say during the live show, so be sure to pop back for some live bitching and blogging on Sunday, September 23rd.
