So Many Movies, So Little Attention Span
by The Awards Witch
Let's get a few housekeeping memos out of the way, shall we?
Ok. I *accidentally* skipped blogging the Tony Awards for you. The older kid had an insanely long softball tournament during which her team was kicking ass and taking names, and I not only got home well after the show had started, but had no clue it was even on. For this, I blame you, collective tea-drinkers. A simple little tweet a few hours before the show would have gotten my ass in gear and home in time to blog for you. If you aren't following @TheAwardsWitch on Twitter, then get your priorities in order and help a bitch out.
Luckily, it wasn't a problem, because I would have had nothing mean to say. You see, the Tony Awards combine three of my very favorite things in one happy little sundae: Actors and Technicians with actual talent, openly gay men, and people bursting into song at inopportune times. How would I bitch about Once and Audra McDonald winning? Not happening. ALSO, Elena Roger didn't win for Evita, so hopefully they replace her screechy ass with her understudy so I can hop on a train and not feel ripped off by the ticket price to listen to that tone deaf harpy splutter her way through Rainbow High... Shit. Maybe I did have it in me. Mea Culpa.
And now on to June Movie Releases. Let's put it this way: June was nothing if not INSANELY prolific. So many movies hit the big screen this month it made my head spin, but luckily, very few of them matter in terms of Awards season, so let's get moving in order of release date:
Snow White and The Huntsman hit the theaters with a bang in early June, proving that women everywhere want to see Thor flex his muscles in a different type of fantasy strip club costume. Also, it proves that Kristen Stewart is so far a one trick pony. They could have just used one of those cardboard Twilight cutouts at Spencer's in the mall. But I do forsee a Charlize Theron-Best Villain win at the MTV Movie Awards...wait, didn't they just retire that category? Bastards.
Piranha 3D. This joke writes itself. Let's move on.
Charlize pops up again in Prometheus. I actually overheard (fine, I was intentionally spying. Go ahead and judge me) some ignorant idiot in the mall coming out of the theater saying that CT would be robbed if she didn't win an Oscar for the part. So, lady with the reverse-c-section disguising tramp stamp from the mall, while I doubt that you got past the word "inopportune" above, here is why you are plain wrong.
- Charlize can only win if wearing false Austin Powers teeth while growing normal-woman cellulite and parading that hail-damage around proudly
- Were we watching the same movie? It was OK. But I kept comparing it to scenes from Spaceballs in my head, and losing track of what was going on. It can't be good if the movie in front of me was doing a poorer job of holding my attention than Rick Moranis making an action figure of himself make out with a Daphne Zuniga action figure.
- They could have come up with a better name. The Percy Jackson series is about two movies away from having a whole 2 hour stretch of a story about the myth of Prometheus. Don't confuse kids. Leave that to Tyler Perry.
A movie called Patagonia Rising was released, and I know nothing about it. Judging from the title, it is most likely a porno about some sweaty, smelly, man-sandal wearing, granola-shitting dude in an orange t-shirt and khaki cargo shorts learning some lessons in love.
Two kids movies came out, both of which will most likely get a nod. 2012 is shaping up to be Oscar Night Smackdown for the Animated category. Good Lord.
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted popped into theaters, and I admittedly didn't see it, but my husband took the girls. They are both still singing the "Afro-Circus" song from the commercials that you can't get out of your head. I take that to mean the target market is happy. Which is something, becuase that song is really starting to piss me off. "Mom, can you get me some cereal? Da-Da-Dadadada Afro-Circus!"
I had my tickets to Brave WEEKS before it came out. First of all, because the Disney Store is a weekly destination for Little Witchy, so she has pretty much every piece of Brave-themed apparel, toys, housewares, furniture and financial services that Disney makes. Also, because I LOVE Scotland, and wanted desperately to see how it looks when Pixar imagines it on screen. I read a lot of reviews about how it doesn't hold up to past Pixar movies and how little girls don't really have a role model in the character from this movie. So let me be the witch who tells you that it was FABULOUS. Everyone in my house loved it. It was beautiful. Will it beat The Lorax? No. But it was beautiful. And that's all it needed to be.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer. Dude. Come on. I have bills. I can't waste money on this shit when there are Merida sippy cups to buy at the Disney Store.
I think some screenwriting nods will come out of two June releases: Seeking a Friend for the End of the World and To Rome With Love. The premise of the former is right on par with what Oscar likes, and the latter was written by Creepy Uncle Woody, who is coming off a win in the same category for Midnight in Paris (which, upon a second viewing, really was quite charming. If only Owen Wilson would get out of the movie business...) I'm not sure what's next for him, as we have now covered Paris and Rome. My guess is either London or Madrid. If he goes for Madrid, I bet he could film the whole movie for about $3.00.
Tyler Perry has another Madea movie out. There will be about 8 more of them this year, so I'm choosing to skip this one. We'll reconvene this conversation with Madea's Gender Reassignment.
I admittedly had a super tough time trying to decide whether not to devote the entire monthly recap to Magic Mike, but decided against because it is clearly not winning shit, and, you know, I do the Awards stuff. It's kind of my thing. So let's just say that if you ever caught yourself spacing out and daydreaming during a Matthew McConaughey movie, this is your shit. Go buy a matinee ticket, and hang out in the bathroom after its over so you can sneak in and see it again for free. (Not that I condone such behavior.) Mmmmm.... Channing Tatum is ok too, but his face kind of ruins it for me.
And finally, to wrap up the month, Ted. Run, do not walk, to the nearest multiplex and see this amazing nonsense play out in all of its ridiculous glory. Whoever thought of casting Mark Wahlberg in this deserves every award in the book. He hasn't been this funny since showing up on Saturday Night Live and threatening Andy Samberg. I can't tell you the last time I laughed this hard, which means this will win NOTHING. But it'll laugh all the way to the bank, so who gives a shit, right?
Important disclaimers: The Espy's are on on Wednesday, July 11th at 9:00 (that's eastern time, for all you West Coasters.) This is important because the only sports I really care to watch are Premiere League Soccer and Quidditch. I do, however, like to drink beer and yell, so I am all kinds of fun during sporting events. Be warned, I will be drunk blogging the Espy's like whatever team my husband wants to win is playing for whatever championship is going to cause rioting in the streets. I expect to be pandered to and tweeted at to remind me. See you Wednesday!
