Michael Kasper, respected columnist and pseudo-journalist,
and by extension yourself have been forced to endure an attack upon our civil
rights. With our very way of life threatened are we
going to sit back and allow those in power to compromise our liberty? I think not.
The date is January 1st, 49 B.C.E. and Marcus
Antonius (Marc Antony), as the tribune of the plebs, is putting forth a measure
to the Roman Senate. The political rivalry
between Gaius Julius Caesar and Pompey Magnus (the Great) has reached its
height. The Senate has asked Pompey to
take up arms against his former co-consul to preserve the Roman Republic.
Marc Antony is relating a letter sent by Caesar to the
Senate. It reminds the governing body of
all the accomplishments achieved by the man for the Republic. He went onto propose that he would lay down
his legions if only Pompey would put aside his; A reasonable offer.
Appian of Alexandria tells us, and I quote, “…the Senate became more bitter than ever
and declared Pompey's army the protector of Rome, and that of Caesar a public
enemy. The consuls, Marcellus and Lentulus, ordered Antony and his friends out
of the Senate lest they should suffer some harm, tribunes though they were.
Then Antony sprang from his chair in anger and with a loud voice called gods
and men to witness the indignity put upon the sacred and inviolable office of
tribune, saying that while they were expressing the opinion which they deemed best
for the public interest, they were driven out with contumely though they had
wrought no murder or outrage. Having spoken thus he rushed out like one
possessed, predicting war, slaughter, proscription, banishment, confiscation,
and various other impending evils, and invoking direful curses on the authors
of them.”
For the office of tribune was sacrosanct. It was considered a capital offense to
interfere with or harm the Tribuni Plebis.
Threatening a tribune with violence was tantamount to offending the gods
themselves. Marc Antony was correct. A great injustice was committed on that distant
day. Just as a great injustice has been
done today my friend.
As I was sitting at my desk this morning I received an
e-mail from one Editor-in-Chief at Teawithlemon dot com. I was surprised as anyone considering that I
am only a contributing writer with limited access to the Teawithlemon Alcohol
Reserves. What could it be?
A letter praising me for all my in depth contributions to
this blog over the last couple of months?
A formal invitation to the Teawithlemon 2012 Spring Break Extravaganza in
Montreal? A response to my personal ad? I’m afraid not brothers and sisters. I’m afraid that the correspondence I received
today was of a somewhat more serious nature.
It would seem that the Baron of the Blog (Editor-in-Chief)
has some concerns over the content that I have been providing you, our dear
reader. Well I, like Marc Antony, am
forced to call upon men and gods to witness the violence being done to my
advice column. The letter read and I quote:
“I like to give
writers full creative control over their posts; however the inclusion of a
photo of starving children (which I assume is real and not a staged photo
shoot) detracts from the overall quality of your post. I understand that it leads into the Hunger
Games related question; however I am not sure that starving children are
entertaining/funny in any context.”
As you, the dear reader, are well aware: I never for strive for simple entertainment
in any of my posts. My only intention is
to provide practical, common-sense advice for the contemporary, literate
American. A refuge for the modern mind
to escape to drudgery and banality of everyday life.
The photo in question was meant to symbolize the terrifying
reality of the world we live in compared to the fictional world of prose. The contemporary modern mind is often so
isolated that it ignores the horrors that surround our global community. The Editor-in-Chief would like you to remain
numb to the grievous injustices of our world.
Numb to a world that endures starving children and unpaid
blog contributors. A world where your
reality is spoon fed to you by self-indulgent, bourgeois Editors-in-Chiefs who
want nothing more for you then to sit back and swallow the latest take on an
episode of Glee. A world where Dan Aykroyd
has an open schedule and Andy Dick is double booked. Is that a world you want to live in? I think not.
Is it too early to take to the streets announcing war,
slaughter, proscription, banishment, confiscation and miscellaneous? No. I
must poignantly express the need for revolution. I stand before you today and say that unless
we resort to bloody violence all of our freedom shall be squandered at the
hands of ruthless blog supervisors.
Think this is not a serious problem? I beg you to reconsider. Take the remarks of one Teawithlemon writer
who will go under the pseudonym of “T.”
I quote:
“For a blog that says
it’s about ‘pointless drivel’ you are asking a lot of the reader.”
There you have it ladies and gentleman; the rippling effects
of subjugation upon free speech. Just as
malaria ravages the small African village our blog has been decimated by the domineering,
stifling attitude of our Editor-in-Chief.
Well fear not my friends.
I swear to you that even though on this day my voice has been unfairly
silenced I will continue to pursue the good fight for you. I give you my solemn vow that I will continue
to provide you of the high minded, educational material that you deserve even
in the face of stifling forces of oppression.
But I cannot do it alone.
I urge you, citizen, to write your local congressman and
tell them to write our editor about the gross injustice that has been visited
upon our blog today. A blog that we want
to preserve for our children and our children’s children. However I think we can all agree that our
children’s children’s children are on their own.
