It’s that time of the month where I take time out of my busy
schedule to serve up another helping of advice for you, our dear reader. These poor souls were once lost and now found
through my impressive, state-of-the-art, mental paging intercom system.
Remember. I do this
all for you and to fulfill the community service portion of my sentencing. Please send all questions and date requests to
mike@teawithlemon.com
Q: It feels like I have hit a professional
plateau. Over the past decade, I've risen in the ranks from a file monkey to
the director of my own department. However, my next big promotion would require
one of the Senior Directors to retire or kick the bucket, neither of which
seems imminent.
Other than pulling a Lily Tomlin from 9 to 5, what can I do
to try to "level up" in the workplace?
- Left Behind
A: I think I see what you’re getting at. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it
again. Murder is not immoral in cases of
sexual gratification or career advancement.
Now the courts may not see it that way and neither will your friends or
family. Actually about 99.9% of society
won’t approve but we both know what you have to do. Good luck citizen!
Q: I have a friend
that is a "Vegan," for health purposes he says, but he continues to
smoke! He knows how ridiculous this is and has made several attempts to
quit...and FAILED each time. Do you have any tips for him?
- Concerned Conrad
A: The most important thing you can do is be
there to support your friend. Time,
patience and understanding are required on your part. But this is no easy task. Quitting being a vegan will be one of the
most difficult trials he will have to go through in his life.
Easing into this new lifestyle will increase his chances of
success. So be sure to start slow and
take it one step at a time. I suggest
starting the morning by having him brush his teeth with lard. Or perhaps a few beef bouillon cubes in his coffee
will help break him of his nasty habit. Wrapping granola bars with bacon would also be
a good place to start.
Grouchiness and irritability during this transition are
normal. That’s just the body’s natural reaction
to meatastic proteins binding with his awesome receptors in his man cortex. Encourage this process by having him drink
copious amounts of Guinness and engaging in fourteen hour sessions of fantasy
football.
Over time, hopefully, your friend can beat the odds and
overcome his addiction. Through your
understanding, encouragement and back rubs you are doing everything a friend
could do for another. Also ask him to
consider switching out his vagina for a penis with a matching set of balls.
Q: I have a friend that told me she loves to
pull the shower curtain back while her boyfriend is showering to scare him. I
thought this was funny. So while my boyfriend was in the shower last night (he
thought I was sleeping) I got up and pulled back the shower curtain! He was
standing there with a soapy loofah and he let out a blood curdling scream and
reflexively hit me in the chest with the loofah and I couldn't stop laughing.
He didn't think it funny. He's pissed. REALLY PISSED. He was
soooooooooo mad. Now I'm living in fear at what he will do for vengeance. I
don't want to live in fear. How do I tell him I’m sorry and make him forget the
eye for an eye?
- Sexynormanbatesangeldemon87
A: I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do. From the sound of the loofah it would seem
that your boyfriend is going to get back at you by sleeping with other men. The only way a real man cleans himself is by
rubbing his body in olive oil and scraping away the grime with a stirgil. This allows for his natural musk to mature and
ripen.
In the future I would recommend that you refrain from
engaging in unprovoked shower attacks.
Besides outing your boyfriend you accomplished nothing. Scaring naked people is like shooting fish in
a barrel with a nuclear bomb. You have
nothing to be proud of. It is this kind
of behavior that leads to hostilities between the genders and holds back women’s
rights in Saudi Arabia. There I said it.
Q: Once and for all the chicken story T wrote
about at http://www.teawithlemon.com/2011/01/pop-quiz.html.
Is that hoax? Some people say that is
not really chicken and someone made it up.
- Poultryphobia
A: This is one of the few times that T’s mouth
isn’t spewing forth bovine rectum fudge.
Welcome to the savory world of mechanically separated meat. The delectable edibles you see are created by
the genius process of forcing meat encrusted bones through a sieve. Yes, through the marvels of modern
innovation, now you can enjoy the tendons and muscle fiber of your favorite
barnyard animals.
But Mike wouldn’t that room temperature concoction be
swarming with bacteria? I’m glad you
asked. There’s no need to worry. The chicken batter you see in the picture will
soon be dipped in ammonium hydroxide to kill microorganisms and improve flavor. So any feelings of disgust you may have are
unwarranted and, frankly, un-American.
