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| Image credit THR |
Grammy Awards 2012: Adele Wins Sunday Night Smackdown!
by The Awards Witch
Poor everyone-but-Adele. It must suck to get all dressed up only to have the camera man in your face to catch your disappointment and thinly veiled anger when you lose... All. Night. Long....
As a diehard Mumford and Sons fan, I am only slightly disappointed they should only win one award (for one of two categories they are not head to head with your girl) as Adele's 21 was a MONSTER of an album (the first album since Pearl Jam's Ten that I can listen to start to finish without skipping) and truly deserving of having almost all of the major acceptance speeches sound like Mary Poppins with a cold...
Here are some predictions to get you though the night, along with some wishful thinking:
after the jump!
Record of the Year
Will Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Should Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Upset: Bon Iver for Holocene
Reasoning: Do I really need one? Rolling in the Deep is a HUGE song. Huge in a "not so repetitive that its an annoying ear worm" (a la Umbrella) way but in a "this song is so damn good that Grammy voters will mark the ballot with the blood of their firstborn" way. Bon Iver is a ballsy enough choice to snag a few votes for a robbery, but I think its pretty safe to say this is the beginning of Adele pulling a Michael Phelps.
Album of the Year
Will Win: Adele for 21
Should Win: Adele for 21
Upset: Really? No chance.
Reasoning: Have you heard this album? Why do I need to explain myself here?
Song of the Year
Will Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Should Win: Adele for Rolling in the Deep
Upset: Mumford and Sons for The Cave
Reasoning: Again, I shouldn't need one, but I'll throw another one out for you. My daughter is a DIEHARD Adele fan. She is also batshit crazy. Case in point: the checkout girl at Whole Foods last night had her lip pierced about 4 times, a nose ring, and spacers in her ears I could have fit my foot through. My kid, Little Witchy, asked her what was wrong with her face. 5 times. When the girl finally gave up trying to find an age appropriate description for rebellion and whiskey, and said she didn't know, Little Witchy informed her that Adele wouldn't like her boo-boos on her face. Little Witchy is 3. She has a picture of Adele on her door, and memorzed the words to every song on 21, as well as half of 19, especially Chasing Pavements. Little Witchy has taste. Enough Said.
Best New Artist
Will Win: Someone I've never heard of, if last year is any predictor.
Should Win: Bon Iver
Upset: The Band Perry
Reasoning: I'm going with Skrillex here (and yes, I totally cut and pasted that name, as I have NEVER heard of them, and wanted to make sure I spelled it right). Nicki Minaj is made of plastic Barbie hair and Hello Kitty lunchboxes, so I doubt she gets taken seriously. Also, Adele is not nominated here. She won this shit a few years ago, bitches.
Best Solo Pop Performance
From now on, when Adele is nominated, let's just go with that so I don't get carpal tunnel with all of the "Will win, should win" horseshit, shall we? Excellent.
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
Will Win: Tony Bennett and Amy Winehouse for Body and Soul
Should Win: Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera for Moves Like Jagger
Upset: Coldplay for Paradise
Reasoning: Winehouse FTW, but only because the voters will feel the need (and perhaps rightfully so) to lament the amazing songs that will never be written and we will all be deprived of hearing. Also, isn't Tony Bennett mentioned as one of Methuselah's sons in the book of Genesis? How is this guy still alive? Adam and Snooki should pull this off for their monster song (which Little Witchy LOVES, by the way.) Coldplay only because they are British.
Best Pop Vocal Album
21. Duh.
Best Dance Recording
Ok, seriously, I'm skipping the routine on this one to call it for Barbara Streisand. I had no idea she had a dance song, and the whole idea is so effing absurd that there is ZERO chance that Babs doesn't snag this. It will be even funnier if she accepts in character as Yentl.
Best Rock Performance
Will Win: Mumford and Sons for The Cave
Should Win: Mumford and Sons for The Cave
Upset: Foo Fighters for Walk
Reasoning: The Cave is just some really good shit. I actually got to go to Target alone a few weeks back (never happens to this witch) and on the way there, whatever station I was tuned to on XM played a block of Mumford and Sons, so I got The Cave, Little Lion Man, and Sigh No More all in a row. THEN...the Starbucks drive thru screwed up my drink so I got it for free. I should have bought lottery tickets. Foo Fighters always manage to squeak by with something though, so I am calling them for Rock Song.
Best Rap Song:
Will Win: Wiz Khalifa for Black and Yellow
Should Win: Wiz Khalifa for Black and Yellow
Upset: Chris Brown for Look at Me Now
Reasoning: Black and Yellow was a pretty good song, and its not my type of music, so I'd vote for it. Chris Brown is an upset only if the voters want to appear progressive at the risk of appearing to be assholes. Also, I want to see if Amber Rose shows up in clothes or just body paint, as if Fantasy Fest in Key West threw up all over her bald ass head.
Best R&B Album:
Will Win: Kelly Price for Kelly
Should WIn: Kelly Price for Kelly
Upset: R. Kelly for Love Letter
Reasoning: Let's face it. Its totally useless for El Debarge to pull out the "W" here if there isn't a hope for Jeri Curl any longer. Also, isn't this dude in jail with Conrad Murray? That would be one bad-ass acceptance speech, live from the showers...
Best Rap Album
Will Win: Jay-Z and Kanye West for Watch the Throne
Should Win: Jay-Z and Kanye West for Watch the Throne
Upset: Kanye West for My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Reasoning: I like when they let Kanye West implode live, so this should be great. Maybe he can kill a puppy or tell some kids there is no Santa Claus or something during his acceptance speech. If Jay-Z has half the brains I think he does, he'll beat 'Ye to the stage and pull a Heisman to keep him away from the microphone.
I am not even going to begin to pontificate on Country Music because I truly don't have a clue who most of the people are. Other than Blake Shelton, but that is only becuase he shares screen time with Adam Levine... sigh.... Also, when did Enya stop getting nominated for Orinoco Flow every year? Looks like Best New Age Album will be bathroom break time.
It will be interesting to see if the production crew, who are clearly in a blind, shitting themselves panic right now, are able to splice Whitney into the Dead Sea Scrolls. Holy Shit. Jobs I Am Glad I Don't Have For a Thousand, please, Alex.
And finally, my performance wish. I try to make one every year for this show. I wish, I wish, I wish that Adele and Mumford and Sons would team up for a performance of Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. This wish also includes Shane McGowen being half lit at the show, annoyed he isn't performing this witch's favorite Christmas carol, and streaking the stage while Kanye West laments via microphone iPhone app that Adele has the best voice of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!!
Tune into the live blog tomorrow night during the show... I am going to kick the blog off with a debut performance you won't want to miss! Grammy's or BUST!!!!
