Agro Sheen

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special."
-Charlie Sheen, February 28, 2011

O.J. sent that to me, from this article here, and said, "Amazing, what a great f*cking quote!"

Then my favorite gold-digger, Stacey from Monterey, sent me the story about Sheen's publicist quitting and threw her two cents into the fray with, "DUDE! Top-to-Bottom-Boy is a weak, sorry ass bottom to call Gaga crazy! Charlie takes crazy to another level - he's going to end up with a toe-tag."

Born This Crazy?

Top-to-Bottom Boy sent me this video and hacked, "Have you seen, the new gaga video? I think she straight up lost her mind!"

I haven't watched it yet, so let's watch it together.

Oscar Recap: Tea With Legit!

California Kara couldn't live-blog the Oscars yesterday so she sent in a substitute of the legit variety; her college buddy Heather. According to Kara, Heather is the one person who can truly go tet-a-tet with her on awards show snarkiness. Now here comes the legit part, Heather worked at TV Guide and The Hollywood Reporter (!!!). Yup. So without further ado, let's give Heather the chance to go All About Eve on Kara's ass!


@heatherpvj

Red Carpet

I hate it when they show old red carpets. It confuses me.
I like Cheryl Hines in black. But she looks a little haggard.

All photos poached mercilessly from InStyle UK. I figure it will take more effort to sue us from across the pond!

Melissa Leo is wearing a doily.

Mila Kunis is a vision in violet. I have forgiven her for her speech impediment and That 70s Show blandness.

Haley Steinfeld is going for the invisible look tonight. Ghost much?

Michelle Williams: Give Rosemary back her baby. Right. Now.

Mila Kunis: Your pasties are showing.

Amy Adams: You have my arms.

Florence and the Machine chick: You look terrible. Like you sing in a 70s brother/sister group who has yukky Flowers in the Attic sex.

Mandy Moore: Congratulations. I now believe you are an otherworldly creature who swallows glitter and then shoots it out of her bellybutton.

Russell Brand intoxicates me. He fills up my senses like a morning in rehab.

I predict Michelle Williams will adopt a British accent.

Anne Hathaway does red right. Jennifer Hudson ... I feel a little boobed out.

Wow. Mark Ruffalo's wife seems to be suffering the after effects of his stroke. Or she's a really big Victor/Victoria fan.

Why is Geoffrey Rush bald? He is the British Steve Buscemi. Totally grotesque but lovable.

Cate Blanchette's dress has pustules.

Scarlet is also wearing a doily, paired with bed head. I think divorce has made her fashion-dumb. Also, regular dumb.

Marissa Tomei beat up Helena B. C. and stole her dress.

Sharon stone will kill you, pluck your feathers and hot-glue them to her dress, and laugh maniacally while doing it.

Kelly Osbourne is diplomatic. I don't like that about her.

The red carpet is slow tonight. Where is everyone? Is there a Prius pileup on the 101?

Justin Timberlake's mother was nursing him in the limo. At least, that's what it looks like by the looks of her god-awful dress.

Hilary Swank: I'm glad you've decided to acknowledge your ovaries for once.

Helena was styled by Edward Scissorhands, but it's not bad. She still is collecting rent from the birdnests in her hair, but that's okay.

Helen Mirren: Flawless. And what a rack!

Celine Dion: Thump your chest. I dare you.

Halle Barry: What a mocha latte looks like.

Christian Bale will cut you ... with his wiry whiskers.

Reece Witherspoon: My favorite look of the night.

Nicole Kidman is wearing a starburst. I would like to hang her on my wall.

Penelope Cruz looks wonderful. There are Spanx at work, but I don't mind.

Gwyneth. Straight from her Austin Powers 9 shoot.

I want Kathy Lee Gifford doing red carpet interviews. With a glass of wine and a pianist to accompany her random bursts into song.

Sandra Bullock is lovely. And I hope Jesse James rots in cheater's hell.

The ABC "red carpet show" is too fluffy for me. I want my red carpet straight up, Seacrest shaken, not stirred.

 Sandra's upper lips is looking Botoxy. :-(

Little man alert! Minuscule Mark Wahlberg and wife!

(holy crap Heather is as mean as cat piss! For her views on the telecast there is....)

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The Pickle

For the first time in the history of man; I've gone over on my cell phone minutes. I hate hate hate to talk on the phone so my puny 360 (300 regular for years now, then one day Sprint gave me 60 bonus minutes during one of my famous rants, just to shut me the hell up) has always been enough, especially since my nights and weekends start at 7.  Until now. I had three friends in crisis and being the big hearted person I am, I never told them, "I have to hang up now Boo, my minutes are just about through," so now  I'm already 52 minutes over my regular minutes (price point, $20) and risk it going even higher as my cycle doesn't end until March 7th. With this in mind, some hard decisions need to be made and I've narrowed it down to the following.

1) Wait to receive bill, and then split overage charges equally between the three friends in crisis, and send them a bill with a nice note enclosed, letting them know I have been happy to talk these things out with them but ultimately they brought this bill on themselves.

or

2) Bite the bullet and upgrade to the $79 (UGH!) 450 minute unlimited text/data plan. In the process I could get my hands on the glorious EVO. The only problem is that $79 a month  is a whopping $19 higher than my current plan and......

That was a much easier decision once I saw it in writing.

Gingerbreadmama's Gossip Wrap: Who's the Boss Edition

This week’s round-up of entertainment highlights

Who’s the boss now?

Alyssa Milano once said, “Every time I decide I want a child I get another pet. I have 3 dogs, 13 birds and 3 horses, what does that tell you?"

Well, congratulations to Alyssa (38) and her hubby Dave, they are expecting their first child this Fall. Kudos to her for waiting until she was darn good and ready to be a mom but no word on whether or not she still has a small petting zoo at her house.

We always have Paris (unfortunately)

Perpetually in love and often engaged Paris Hilton shopped for engagement rings with beau Cy Waits in NYC last week. Paris + engagement rings + being so so so happy sounds eerily familiar, I know, so why would this time be different? Maybe because she is now the milestone age of 30. Paris told Ryan Seacrest, "I'm so happy, I've never been happier."

According to a source, “they shopped for engagement rings, they were really cute together. Paris was making comments about the rings and joking that her ring has to be at least 24 carats." She aimed low; she should have said at least 30.

Apparently she didn’t leave with an engagement ring but she did leave with a $25,000 white gold and black diamond encrusted birthday ring.

What would you do if you were Paris Hilton for two weeks and money was no object?

Random mix

TV Guide Network announced an eclectic mix of fashion experts to their Oscar Academy Awards Red Carpet with Chris Harrison coverage. Joining Chris Harrison to diss and applaud the night’s hit and misses are supermodel Paulina Porizkova and hairstylist Tabitha Coffey. All three will then join Daisy Fuentes for the networks Academy Awards Red Carpet Fashion Wrap.

Judge threatens jail

We have to wait until March 10 to find out but the Judge in Lindsey’s necklace felony case told her he would send her to jail if she accepts a plea deal or pleads guilty or no contest. If Lindsey does not accept the plea deal on March 10, the case will go to a preliminary hearing and the prosecutors will present their evidence.

So if the Judge told her he would send her to jail if she took the deal, what do you think she will do? I’m leaning towards “preliminary hearing”.

Standing up, probably with help

T here, pardon my interruption. This was supposed to be a picture of Larry King but I haven't had lunch yet so I decided I'd much rather look at shirtless Channing Tatum.

Starting in April, Larry King will begin a one man show to discuss his life, career and hold a Q&A with audience members. The show, titled Larry King – Standing Up, begins April 14 in Connecticut and will hit seven cities.

Crazy is as crazy does


Click to play audio here actually (we're ghetto that way)



Charlie Sheen gave two interviews this week, well loosely labeled as interviews; a more apt description would be The Non-Virgin Monologues of His Mind, and really unleashed the crazy.

His rambling ranting covers a myriad of topics, paints him as a narcissist in denial, who still wants his fans love and support, and caused the producers of Two and a Half Men to halt production of the show for the remainder of the season. Which would be funny and a big FU to Charlie (if he cared) except that it puts a heck of a lot of other decent people out of work. "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season," says producer Warner Bros. Television and the network that broadcasts the program, CBS.

But, Charlie doesn’t care. In response to production stoppage, Charlie sent a demented yet eerily entertaining in the sense it will make your life feel super duper normal response to TMZ.

Who else thinks Charlie needs his own reality show, cameras 24/7?

Quote of the week

"I didn't live my life in the right way for politics, you know, I [expletive] too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that's the truth." - George Clooney, to Newsweek

And The Oscar Might Go To...

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Christian Bale (The Fighter)

John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)

Jeremy Renner (The Town)

Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right)

Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Marja Says: There is no way that Bale will not walk away with this award, as his performance in The Fighter was about as supportive as Mark Wahlberg’s belt in his Marky Mark pant dropping days. Bale acts headliner Wahlberg under the table in this film and deserves a little gold man for best actor in the leading role category. His transformation into the cracked-out Dicky Ward is easily (hyperbole be damned) the best performance I have ever seen by an actor. Ever.  The credits clip with the real Dicky Ward only solidifies Bale’s genius, and if I sound like I’m verbally blowing Bale with this uncharacteristically glorious review, I am. Pass the kneepads … he’s just that good.  See The Fighter immediately.

Gary Says: Yeah, I don’t think you want those kneepads with how scary/ skinny and crack-addicted he looks in this film. Hold out for Batman. But we agree on this one. He steals the movie and is really—I think—the lead actor. He’s in the wrong category. I mean even the title is ambiguous. Dicky is a fighter and so is Micky, both stage epic comebacks. Who’s to say who is really The Fighter?

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams (The Fighter)

Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)

Melissa Leo (The Fighter)

Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)

Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Marja Says: This category makes me mad. Steinfeld was clearly the lead in True Grit and will likely split the vote here in this weaker category. The Academy loves to parade a child on stage. (Jodie Foster anyone?) Amy Adams immediately loses my vote after she had the audacity to say she “gained a gut” in preparation for her role as a townie bar girl in The Fighter, then proceeded to prance around abs fabulous on screen in a sheer black bra and panties. If the Academy gets their heads out of their asses, Oscar will go home with Melissa Leo, the bat-shit crazy boxing mom who’s authenticity is never in doubt for a moment. You actually believe that they picked her off the streets of Jersey somewhere.

Gary Says: Let’s not throw young Hailee to the Hollywood wolves just yet, okay? An Oscar would be the worst possible thing for her right now. And Amy Adams gets my vote for best slut makeover (Enchanted, indeed). But we agree again that Melissa Leo should win, but her wonky “For Your Consideration” ads evidently turned off a lot of those snooty Academy voters. How dare she self-aggrandize herself in Hollywood, of all places?

Achievement in Directing

Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)

David O. Russell (The Fighter)

Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)

David Fincher (The Social Network)

Joel and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Marja Says: The Academy will never award Aronofsky after he made us sit through the insufferable The Fountain, and the Coen brothers already have more solid gold statues than a Kanye West guest bathroom, so my money is on Tom Hooper for critical darling The King’s Speech.

Gary says: Marja, you ignorant slut. This is David Fincher’s statue to take home for The Social Network. Any director who can make a compelling, suspenseful film out of a bunch of over-privileged, over-caffeinated, Ivy League computer geeks sitting around talking deserves an Oscar and a Nobel Prize.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Annette Bening (The Kids are All Right)

Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)

Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)

Natalie Portman (Black Swan)

Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Marja Says: I never thought I’d say this, but that homely chubby-cheeked girl from Dawson’s Creek gives the most gripping female performance of the year by far. Williams bares her soul in Blue Valentine without a hint of fear or shame. And while Annette Bening is a worthy competitor in this category as a lesbian dealing with baby daddy issues, Williams digs just a bit deeper than Bening’s cuckold middle-aged mom-wife. Sadly, the Academy is prone to reward dedication to a role, and Portman’s transformation from beautiful ingénue into scary-skinny-but-still-beautiful ingénue may get the Oscar for her 6-hour a day ballet workouts (that clearly went into overtime as she recently announced being knocked up by her already engaged choreographer). But if that’s the case, she should have took home gold for V for Vendetta instead. Do you know how long it takes to grow your hair back?!?

Gary Says: I didn’t see Blue Valentine or Black Swan, but I read enough to know that it’s Natalie Portman’s Oscar to lose. As for Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right, I had a hard time relating to that film, since I haven’t been in a lesbian relationship for at least 12 years now. If Bening does win, it’ll be a lifetime-achievement type of thing or a long overdue thank you from a grateful Hollywood for finally castrating Warren Beatty and making the film industry safe for women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and roles. My pick is Portman, even though she’s scary.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Javier Bardem (Biutiful)

Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)

Colin Firth (The King's Speech)

James Franco (127 Hours)

Jeff Bridges (True Grit)

Marja Says: Mmmmmmmmmmmm…….Franco. The other white meat.

Gary Says: Wow…I’m so sick of James Franco. You realize if he followed through on the general premise of 127 Hours and ended up in multiple pieces (not just part of his arm), there would be so many more opportunities he could utilize to overexpose himself. He even showed up on “I Can Has Cheezburger?” on Thursday (I’m not kidding). Isn’t it enough that he stars in movies, TV series, soap operas, hosts the Oscars, writes books, goes to college and has cured cancer? This is Colin Firth’s award, if only because Franco will be off rescuing a kitty stranded in a tree when the winner is announced.

Marja Says: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ….. overexpose himself.

Best Motion Picture of the Year

Black Swan

The Fighter

Inception

The Kids Are All Right

The King's Speech

The Social Network

127 Hours

Toy Story 3

True Grit

Winter's Bone

Marja Says: 10 nominations is ridiculous, and what the hell is Winter’s Bone? Although I saw  8 of the 10 flicks, I must be candid and admit I wasn’t able to squeeze in The King’s Speech by post time … so that being said … I am really torn in this division. True Grit and 127 Hours were outstanding, and while I enjoyed Black Swan, there were moments so laughable I can’t believe Portman was able to keep a straight face during the ridiculous finale (that there should earn her the award). The Kids are All Right was a breakthrough film in subject and content, but as far as I know, no film featuring girl-on-girl cunnilingus has ever received top nod. This leaves The Social Network and The Fighter. In my opinion, Eisenberg’s Mark Zuckerberg was so slimy and unlikeable, I found it impossible to sit back and fully enjoy this film. Plus it had Justin Timberlake in it. Justin Timberlake people! What next?? Justin Bieber for best original soundtrack? For me, the choice comes down to the widely enjoyable Western epic True Grit and the performance powerhouse The Fighter. I really can’t decide between the two, so I’m placing $20 on The King’s Speech with my local Sicilian bookie.

Gary Says: Your bookie will hate you because you will probably win, but I’m going with The Social Network, because you were supposed to hate Zuckerberg, but the film’s writer (Aaron Sorkin) and director (David Fincher) were smart enough to let you decide just how big an *sshole he really was/is. I loved The King’s Speech and it’s certainly uplifting, but The Social Network showcases all the backstabbing, idea stealing, and dank cynicism of the world we live in right now. And because of that Hollywood will go with The King’s Speech, rather then admit that they not only live in the world of The Social Network, but reward that kind of behavior on a daily basis, not just on one Sunday in February each year.

SCORECARD:

BITTER MARJA:

Best Actor: James Franco

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale

Best Actress: Michelle Williams

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo

Best Director: Tom Hooper

Best Film: The King’s Speech

GRUMPY GARY:

Best Actor: Colin Firth

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale

Best Actress: Natalie Portman

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo

Best Director: David Fincher

Best Film: The Social Network

Desperation for Content Yields

The newest Ke$ha video. Sorry but I've got to find photos for Marja and Grumpy Gary's mammoth Oscar prediction blog and It's quite a burden.

At least this video has Unicorns and Dawson.

Flip-Flopper Sends Funny

This dated but still funny, "Leave Lindsey Alone!" video comes courtesy of Top-to-Bottom Boy (Formerly known as Bottom Boy, turns out he will act as the Top when only Bottom's are readily available).

Today on My Facebook Feed: Serial Texters Beware.

It's "knew" boo. But let's not quibble over homophones. I'll admit, I've replied to texts that seemed urgent in nature, while waiting at red light, so I certainly had no idea.

Bottom Line: Keep your eyes on the road.

Good Day

They Say Every Time a Bigot Weeps A Tranny Turns Post-Op

Get used to this graphic. I'll be breaking it out whenever bigots get owned.

In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, Obama grew a pair and flat out confirmed that he thinks the Defense of Marriage act (or as I call it, dumb DOMA)  is unconstitutional (!!!) and that the Department of Justice will no longer try to maintain the law's Section 3, which forces the government to treat legal same-sex marriages as invisible.

This is huge.

Let's recap. The President of the United States thinks the Defense of Marriage Act violates the constitution and the Department of Justice and will no longer defend it in court. The domino effect will be significant.

Good Day

Ouch!

This comes courtesy of Big Chris