And So It Begins...

My cousin Elizabeth, who is no longer a virgin, is having boy trouble. I so wished for her to be a lesbian (like her mother), so she could avoid having to deal with men altogether and save herself a lifetime of woe and misery, but these are the cards we've been dealt. I allotted her a whopping 15 minutes of phone time (I hate to talk on the phone so this was more than generous) and tried to play devils advocate to her litany of complaints about her current beau, most of which centered around him taking her for granted. I asked, "Is he a cheat? Does he have good hygiene? Is he kind?" (Were it a girlfriend, and not a relative, I would have asked, "Does he put it down? But, I don't want to know about her sex life, ever.) Her answers let me know that he probably wasn't that bad, just dumb and self-centered. I told her not to take it so seriously, perhaps be a little less demanding and just have fun. Thinking I solved her problems, I sent this little follow up quote:

"Being taken for granted can be a compliment. It means that you've become a comfortable, trusted element in another person's life.”
-Dr. Joyce Brothers quotes

I thought, "that may be a little bottom-ish, but I just don't think she should be toooo bitter yet and should try to look on the bright-side. I hope I didn't make a mistake by encouraging her to stick it out!"
I needn't have worried.

This morning she sent me this quote:

"The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.”
-Dr. Robert Anthony quotes (Self-help author)

Bitter (and admittedly getting wiser) at the ripe old age of 20.

 I tried.

Monday Morning Mirth

From Facebook.

"I'm serious" = Means Business. I had no idea Shaun smoked and I had no idea white people smoked mint Camels

And from Craigslist, from our very own California Kara (who wrote about it here but I'd already taken the time to use Cropper - the poor man's Snagit- to screen capture her ad so here it is.)


click to expand

Good Day

The British Are Coming!

Kal-El

Although I really wanted Brandon Routh to get another chance at playing the man of steel in Zac Snyder's (300, The Watchmen) upcoming reboot (yes, reboot fever has gripped Hollywood), Henry Cavill beat out a horde of hopefuls and has been cast as Superman. And I'm not mad about it. He certainly has the heroic jawline and proper bone structure. He previously auditioned for the role of Superman, but lost out to Brandon Routh. He also auditioned for James Bond, but lost out to Daniel Craig. Despite being the first choice of author, Stephanie Meyer, he also lost out on the role of Edward Cullen in the Twilight films because he was too old (25) when they finally got around to filming.

He needed a break.

Holla!

Born and raised in Jersey in Great Britain, a small island between England and France, Cavill joins

fellow Brits... 

Brooding, Emo-Spidey

.....Andrew Garfield, Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot.




And Christian Bale (although technically Welsh, his parents are British and he considers himself British). Who will return as Batman for the third time in The Dark Knight Rises (after that the series will most likely be, you guessed it, rebooted)

Yup. The three most popular, recognizable superheroes on the planet are all being played by British men.

Bottom line: They are breeding more heroic men in Britain. I believe this is because they are developing stronger constitutions to deal with all the bad food.

Good Day

Blue Blue Blue Blue Valentine Dueling Review

Marja Says

Pssst! Hey you! Come here … have I got a deal for you! How about you give me eleven dollars and fifty cents and I will punch you repeatedly in the gut for about two hours? Sound good? Well, that’s pretty much exactly the way things go down while watching the gritty “Blue Valentine”, and I savored every blow. There is nothing about this film that screams Hollywood or even squeaks of inauthenticity. Many of my friends of Dorothy toss around the word “brave” while describing Beyonce’s latest music video, but “Blue Valentine” is a movie that s**ts on the glamorized tale of falling in love and speaks to the masses of millions who realize far too late in life that Cinderella was just a fairy tale. Michelle Williams is a petite bundle of bravery who easily gives the performance of the year. Her gripping abortion scene is so emotionally painful that it makes Natalie Portman’s  determined prima ballerina seem like a whiny little beyatch. And while I didn’t know my Ryan Goslings from my Jake Gyllenhalls before this film, I can tell you now that Gosling was robbed…. ROBBED … of an Oscar nomination for his unrelenting performance as William’s good-intentioned train wreck of a husband.

Many people will not “get” this film. There’s no clear story arc tied into a neat bundle of morality at the end, in fact, there’s no clear antagonist or protagonist in this film at all. While most romantic dramas find the hero (or heroine) battling a war of infidelity or abuse, “Blue Valentine” does not play into such stereotypes and instead give a unapologetically realistic view of what happens after love simply runs out. You can’t blame either of them for their demise. It’s just …. life.  Real life. And that is what makes “Blue Valentine” truly brave film making. There’s no escapism here, just a performance by two actors who take you completely away from the comfy cushion of your theater seat and into a place so emotionally deep you’ll drown in a philosophical abyss. Is this the state of 21^st Century marriage? It may not be what Disney wants you to believe, but anyone who’s juggled the roles of spouse, parent, employee, and maid will tell you that “Blue Valentine” is not some farcical tale imagined by an overly emo Hollywood writer, it’s a gripping and grim look at what happens after you say, “I Do.”

T says

This was one of the best movies released in 2010 but I do not and will not recommend it. Sorry, but I felt like a piece of sh*t when I left the theatre and I don't wish that on anyone else.

It was too raw and it was too real. Even the cinematography was ugly and gritty. My spirit is broken and I've lost my will to live.

I'll agree with Marja, not everyone will "get" this bleak tale of dying love. The script does not spell anything out for you.  I suspect a lot of men will say, "She was a bitch. He was just a good guy and she was too demanding," never catching on that he has become quick-tempered and unable to handle criticism, due to his feelings of inadequacy, thus driving her to continually apologize or keep her feelings inside, simmering on a slow, "I'm growing to hate you," burn. Both and neither of them are at fault all at once (yup) and WE the audience have to figure this out. The director should thank his lucky stars for Michelle Williams and rudely robbed of an Oscar Nomination Ryan Gosling (I'm actually pissed about it) because they don't hit one false note.

But to reiterate, I won't recommend it. That the director had the audacity to put one of the sweetest scenes I've seen in film in quite sometime (women and gays- try not to be moved when he gives her a CD containing "our song") into the same film with one of the ugliest (a cringe filled, "let's get a hotel room and rekindle the spark" scene) is completely f*cked up.

Gingerbreadmama's Gossip Wrap: Oscar Nom 2011 Edition

This week’s round-up of entertainment highlights:

And the Oscar goes too…

Sassy Woody

Obviously this week’s big news is the Oscar noms and Oprah’s (ca-ching) half-sister. As for the Academy Awards, all I have to say is y.a.w.n…but before you go hitting the boring button, hear me out. This news is everywhere…radio, tv, internet and since I have two kids under 5 and haven’t seen any of the movies on the list (except Toy Story 3), you don’t need me making crap up just to fill space. But I do think it is superb that the awkward kid from Adventureland was nominated.

Who knew Oprah and I would ever have anything in common

I could dedicate my entire column and then some to this Oprah story, as I too found previously unknown to me half-siblings much, much later in my life but in an effort to be concise I’ll just say this; major score for half-sister Patricia! Oprah gives away cars, swag and vacations to total strangers…can you just imagine what’s going to be in her stocking this year?

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie

Some call it, "street cred"

Laughter is not always the best medicine. Charlie Sheen ended up in the hospital again for pain caused by his hiatal hernia, which, according to his rep, was aggravated because he was laughing too hard (had nothing to do with the questionable company or party favors). Denial is the first indicator there is a problem, right? Add to that creative excuses and he’s well on his way to making the news again next week. I sure hope he pays his rep well to put a positive spin on his antics.

Glee, cannot escape it

Another week, another Glee story. Apparently, awhile back, Kings of Leon, KOL to those in the know, declined creator Ryan Murphy’s request to feature their song Use Somebody in an episode. Mr. Murphy, who is dangerously close to getting on the “I’m crazy and totally full of myself” train (quick someone introduce him to Camille Grammer), made these comments to The Hollywood Reporter, “F--- you, Kings of Leon. They're self-centered a--holes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a 7-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument. It's like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music.”

Dude, dial it down. And do you really think your show is age-appropriate for a 7-year-old? God I hope that is not your target demographic.

KOL’s Caleb Followill responded, “It's gotten out of hand. At the time of the request, we hadn't even seen the show. It came at the end of that record cycle, and we were over promoting ["Use Somebody"]. This was never meant as a slap in the face to Glee or to music education or to fans of the show. We're not sure where the anger is coming from.”

KOL should not take it personally; Murphy is more than a little peeved at GNR’s Slash as well. Slash likened Glee to Grease and also refused to let Glee use any material, “Glee is worse than Grease, and Grease is bad enough”. Murphy’s response was to attack him personally, “Usually I find that people who make those comments, their careers are over; they're uneducated and quite stupid.”

Yeah, maybe he’s already got his one-way trip ticket on the crazy train.

Tyson continues to breed

Mike Tyson has a new baby son, Morroco Elijah Tyson. Lil’Morroco is Tyson’s 8^th child.

Other baby news

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem welcomed a baby boy.

No Doubt’s Tony Kanal and his wife had the band’s first girl (all his other band mates have boys), Coco Reese Lakshmi Kanal.

Ivanka Trump and her hubby are expecting their first baby.

Jennifer Anniston’s rep claims she is not adopting a baby from Mexico.

Save a tree

Not that it means anything to Prince William and his fiancée Kate, but in the States, National Arbor day is April 29^th, the same day as the Royal Wedding. Arbor Day encourages folks to plant and care for trees. Is it ironic that the “save-the-date” notices for a wedding taking place on “save a tree day” went out via fax?

Quote of the week

Wait a minute. Something is wrong with this picture...

Suppose this means they are officially dating:

Kim Kardashian, sharing a picture of her beau, Kris Humphries, “I want my son to look like this”, to which he replied, “I think I can help you out”.

And now I am sure the dudes are lining up:

Jennifer Love Hewett, on Ellen, “I feel like I'm doing the guy a favor...I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring, so I feel like having three picked out and saying, 'Look! Look at this plethora of things you can choose from!'"

Something Smells Funny, And It's Not Just the Patchouli

Broke Coachella attendees stumble around dehydrated and cold stone sober in the sun. They were unable to purchase beverages and/or drugs because all money was spent just getting inside.

Much has been said this week about Coachella 2011 selling out of tickets in a mere 144 hours, but the conspiracy theorists are already shouting, “I smell a Jack Ruby!”

And that’s not the only thing that stinks.

The big three “headliners” this year are Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, and Kanye West. Say whaaaaaaaat?!? Kings of Leon has been touring nearly non-stop since “Sex on Fire” exploded in 2008, stopping twice in San Diego in the last two years.   Anyone who is anyone has already seen Kings of Leon. Arcade Fire (who in my opinion produced one of the best albums of 2010) would be a great opener for someone like Muse or Radiohead, but come on people … they’re Canadian.  And then there’s Kanye. Ohhhh Kanye. Kanye West is about as polarizing as the abortion issue, and I can’t exactly see his fans shelling out $350.00 a piece to watch their demigod perform in 100 degree heat. But Kanye believes this year’s Coachella triumvirate is a hit, tweeting “WE DROPPING NEW MUSIC CAUSE IT'S OUR FUCKING JOB! THIS WHAT WE HERE TO DO! WE THE NEW STONES WE THE NEW BEATLES!”*

Coachella  attendees = $300(++) poorer
Kanye West = Oprah only knows how much richer

But while Kanye stuffs his $10,000 crocs in his mouth one again, Coachella producers Goldenvoice (a subsidiary of mega-corporation AEG Music) are laughing all the way to the bank. This year’s ticket sales are veritable proof that Coachella is a cash cow. Last year’s event sold-out a week or two before the show, causing a Craigslist pandemonium that caught the attention of ticket scalpers round the globe. It’s more than likely that this year’s pre-sale tickets were snatched up way back in December by the same people who have the audacity to list them at $1100 a pop on StubHub this week.

Blowable KOL frontman Caleb Followill

And what about that limp line-up? Are KOL, Arcade Fire, and Kanye West really enough bait to lure 160,000 wanna-be hippies to California’s death valley? I’d bet my Peruvian psychedelic mushrooms they’re not. There’s no way those fools sold out the show this year, and this supposed ticket shortage reeks of a faux hype machine. If anything, Goldenvoice has gotten itself into some sort of wacky Tracy Jordan-esque plan to generate buzz by cutting off it’s nose to spite the face. Don’t be surprised to see a sudden release of “returned” tickets on sale early April.

But who am I to bitch? I got my ticket waaaay back in December when the rest of my peeps were laughing at my over enthusiasm. And while I love the yearly mecca to the land of sex, dugs, and rock n’ roll, that $1100 resale value is making me salivate like a gay man at an H&M sale.

*Love him or hate him, Kanye’s tweets are a thing of irrational beauty that can only be appreciated for their sheer absurdity in song. While I assumed that Josh Groban was a living apparition of some sort of masturbating soccer mom’s imagination, the clip below shows that he’s actually quite adept of making fun of himself … and the self-proclaimed  “the greatest rapper in the world”.

I don't understand all the fuss.

Redemption of the Lawsuit Happy Gangsta Buffon

Tosh.0	Tuesdays 10pm / 9c
Tosh.0: Web Redemption - Ice Cream Truck Guy
tosh.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

Remember the buffoon that was hit by an ice cream truck while dancing in the streets? Well turns out he was shooting a low budget rap music video. Tosh interviews him (hilariously) above and he reveals he sued the driver of the ice cream truck (???). Despite this, Tosh gives him a shot at web redemption via a new video. The ending is simply beautiful.

Well, Emilio Is Not Busy*

Jon Cryer: I check TMZ everyday to see if I still have a job.
Conan O'Brien: I was once there myself.


UPDATE: Stacey the Gold-Digger just sent this TMZ update. She must be checking that thing as frequently as Jon Cryer.

*I was thinking that if Charlie Sheen (born Carlos Irwin Estevez)  implodes, they could just plug in his brother, Emilio Estevez, into the role of a womanizing louse on Two and a Half Men. But then I looked up Emilio (ex-husband of Paula Abdul) and...

Don't get cocky Ryan Gosling, this is your future.

...I decided to let that idea go.

Pop Quiz

This is a picture of

A) Bulk, soft serve strawberry ice cream.
B) Pre-fluffed cotton candy mixture
C) The impressive crap of a fat Fairy God-mother or Unicorn
D) Mechanically separated chicken after it has been passed through a sieve but before it has been soaked in ammonia, artificially dyed, and then re-flavored artificially because it tastes so bad at that point. Some fast-food chicken is made from this as are the processed frozen chicken sold in the stores.

If you answered D. You are correct. If you are the person that served me those raggedy ass processed chicken nuggets, under the guise that I was getting chicken and waffles, you have about an hour head start before I get out of work, so you can flee for safety if you wish, but that will only make the beating worse when I catch your monkey ass.

To think I bitched about it then! If only I knew!

I hate everything and everyone. Read more about this processed chicken over at snopes.com

Punch & Cookies Insure Footstorm

The end of an era. Mik Bitterman hoisted this preposterously heavy ass television on me a few years back and I kept in my room. I realized recently I don't even turn it ON anymore (all porn and TV watching can now be done via desktop) so its' just taking up a lot of space and I'm letting it go at the yard-sale...for $25. Mental note: trick Lex into carrying this downstairs somehow so I dont' get a pinched nerve and pulled groin like when I carried it into my room from the living room, after Mik Bitterman carried it upstairs.

Stavvy, Krazy-Kim and I are having a yard sale on Saturday and I'm posting the ad below, as a courtesy, in case you want to use it for your yard sale:

 

Yard Sale

---

Date: 2011-01-26, 11:28AM PST

Small furniture, women's clothes- boutique quality, men's clothes (some cute), shoes, knick-knacks, bric-a-bracs, promotional items, unwanted items, heavy 32" tube television, dvd's, old ass video-games, graphic novels, exercise equipment, raggedy terrarium, artwork, and other crap.

Punch and Cookies will be served.

Courtyard opens at 7AM. Those trying to arrive early looking for first crack at bargains may be penalized by an extra 20% of items total cost.

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

Tococki, the number-crunching new owner of the company where I toil in despair, scheduled a meet and greet yesterday where he would walk around the office to meet and judge us. Before that he was in the soon to be former bosses office to work out some kinks (The ex-wife was here too, thirsty for her cut! Ming the Merciless, a brilliant but in this instance clueless chemist, had the gall to tell me, "Oh, the ex-wife was in such a good mood and so pleasant today." I spat back, "No Sh*t! You'd be surprised at how good a mood I'd be in if I was about to collect millions! There would be hugs all around!").  By the time the soon to be former owner stopped flapping his gums and getting Tococki to sign on the dotted line, everyone had gone home for the evening except for No-Nonsense Laura and Full-Time April. Tococki must think this place is inhabited by Amazons. Anyway...I asked No-Nonsense Laura what she thought of Tococki and she said, "He was nice."

No-Nonsense Laura is not one for small talk or chit-chat. Anyway, Perv and I have bets on not if this company goes down the tubes...but when. We did a few scenarios in our head and each one ended in disaster with a CPA, who knows nothing about this industry, at the helm of an environmental company.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! The Gigs Up!

Time To Get Busy

Of the Ten Best Film nominees
Have Seen:

127 Hours

Black Swan

Inception

The Kids Are All Right

The Social Network

All excellent films. Two (maybe three) of them are in my top 5 of the year and one sits solidly at #1.
Have not seen:

The Fighter
The King’s Speech
Toy Story 3
True Grit (highly recommended by Marja and the Editor In Chief)
Winter’s Bone

My love of the cinema makes me want to see all of these before the Oscar is inevitably bestowed to The Social Network.

That's it.

He's Heeeeeeeere

The Age of Tococki is Upon Us!

For the uninformed, our boss sold the company to Tococki because he's going through a messy divorce and she wants her half of the assets and she wants them yesterday. Tococki is a number cruncher so despite the fact that our old boss says, "almost nothing will change," we all know the bottom line will become MUCH more important around here.

Tococki is touring the offices and introducing himself to staff today. I'm already annoyed. First of all, I had to endure Perv actually asking me, "What are you wearing tomorrow?" I almost threw up. Sure enough, Perv is sitting in here today in a long sleeve, starchy, pin-striped, button down collar shirt. Looking eager to kiss ass and boot lick. Second of all,  Tococki's been here for over two hours but has yet to come into this office*. This place simply isn't that big. He must be spending an uncomfortable amount of time in each office with each person. Or he's simply lurking in the shadows. Silently judging us. Which he'll have plenty of opportunity to do since he's sitting in on our individual annual reviews. He will be there when we find out how big or how a small a raise we're getting. The man must have balls of brass.

More bad news; I was forced to abort my plans to seduce him so I could blackmail him later. I caught a glimpse of him coming out of the lavatory and there would be "performance issues" because the lights don't go that low and my kidney couldn't take the amount of liquor it would require for him to lay me down. Sucks because he would have been putty in my hands after I opened with, "Tococki. Hmmmm, that's an interesting name. My bottom hurts just thinking about it..."

Updates after I've seen the whites of his eyes.

3rd Times the Charm! (?)

On the right is my friend Jen. She's edgy, fun, foul-mouthed, jug-breasted and I've known her for many years. As D3 and Mik Bitterman can attest, she's a guy's girl and it is impossible not to like her. Unless you are a woman, she's like a cat and is very territorial. I will be attending her wedding to her high school sweetheart (dude on the left) in Vegas at the end of April.

Yup. She's marrying her high school sweetheart. But before you start oooohing and aaaahing...

He will be husband #3. She's in her mid 30's.

I need to get her permission before I tell you how she shattered the spirit and mind of husband #1 (I met them at same time, so he was also a friend of mine till she broke him), and almost put her (much older ) Husband #2 in the grave. But this wedding announcement was just too juicy not to share right away.

Good Day

Take a Hike Stavvy! A Tale Of Triumph.

Stavvy, Lisa, and Lex at the beginning of the hike.

Shocking the hell out of all of us, Stavvy, indoorsy to the max, went on her first ever hike. We went to Iron Mountain in Poway, 7 miles round-trip, and while it was slightly unsettling to see her outdoors in a setting that wasn't a restaurant patio, she handled it like a champ. At first I thought she wasn't exerting herself, as she did not break a sweat and was traipsing along calmly, as if she were in Neiman Marcus, but I knew she was giving it her all after Lisa asked her a question and Stavvy replied, "I can't talk right now I'm out of breath."

Wow. She was too tired to cluck. All clucked out. A possible first. I had to stop a moment and reflect. Those that know Stavvy know that her mouth starts running the moment she wakes up and the clucking doesn't cease until she passes out. Her voice is literally hoarse from over-cluck. 

Crystal, on the far left, is a personal trainer and came for the hike right after she taught a cardio kick boxing class. She took several photos and told me, "I'm uploading them to Facebook. I'm going to tell everyone you're my clients and I'm taking you on a hike!" Yup. She was exploiting us for her own personal gain.. After this photo was taken, Lex (way in background) put his foot down and demanded a cease in the photo taking, rampant pausing and turtle-ish pace.

Top of the mountain. Clearly not to tired for posing.

 Don't worry, after we reached the summit, Stavvy shook it off and more than made up for her temporary silence and was able to cluck all the way down.


Strumpet Sends Superbowl Ad

Alisha the Belly-dancer, a loose woman, stopped having sex long enough to send me this video of the Doritos 2011 Superbowl  ad.

Thanks Tart! I almost smiled.

KA-CHING!

Back in 2007, Patricia (last name is unimportant as it will soon be changed to“Winfrey’) began researching the identity of her birth-mother, as she’d been given up for adoption as a child, and that road led her to Vernita Lee. Who just happens to be the mother of Oprah Winfrey (I don’t think Oprah has a father, it was a virgin birth).

Jackpot. And then some.

No dummy, Patricia kept her fat mouth shut and eventually DNA tests proved she was indeed half sister of the mighty Oprah.

According to the article here, during the episode of Oprah where Patricia was introduced to the audience: Winfrey broke down a bit when expressing why she admires her half-sister so much. The talk show host said she has had so many people betray her since she became a celebrity and she was moved by the fact that Patricia kept the story secret."She never once thought to go to the press," Winfrey said. "She never once thought to sell this story."

Picture it with me: You have discovered you are half sister of Oprah Winfrey. A woman who gives out cars to complete strangers and takes her entire studio audience to Australia in a plane flown by John Travolta.

And you are on her good side.

Outrageous Local Gossip: Blind Item Edition

Someone that's been featured on this blog before has a pretty juicy, albeit inappropriate, tale to tell and it is simply too juicy not to share. This will run as a blind item in the interest of his anonymity.



Anonymous guest blogger...take it from here....



Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because T asked...

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning :/

First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's f*cked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so f*cking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy sh*t went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to f*ck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was f*cked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever f*cking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

Well I Gave It A Shot...

After years of being a huge Idol fan I stopped watching religiously about 2 or 3 seasons ago and then just flat out gave it up completely last year. I was just over it. I decided to give it another shot since they gutted the hosting table after Simon and Paula jumped ship and (I think wisely) brought in Steven Tyler and J.Lo, two persons who have had a lot of actual success in the music industry. I like them. A lot. I think they should have tossed Randy into the dumpster with the rest of last season's host, for an overall sense of freshness, but I think Steven Tyler is so much fun that I wish he was my friend, and J. Lo is so gorgeous and luminous that it is almost a problem as everyone else around her, including the people auditioning, looks completely busted in comparison. I would love to watch Steven Tyler and J. Lo on a weekly basis but it won't be happening here. The hosts aren't the problem, I'm just over Idol as a whole! At least the auditions! Maybe I'll give it another shot once they've narrowed down the finalists. But, I've sat through way too many years of...

Jackasses that just want to be on television

At least have the courtesy of not looking dated!

Persons that have no chance in hell of becoming the next American Idol but are trotted out by the producers to be mocked while wasting the judges time.

And worst of all...All that damn emoting! It's the emoting that's doing me in me!

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Lex In the Afternoon: The Favre Away the Better

Lex didn't get to your questions for his advice column and we didn't get to his new header so you get one more week of the Super-Bieber look.

Thanks for sending in all those questions to Malexecution! I'll get those answered next week. In the meantime let's make this short and sweet with a few randoms I picked up online:

If you're at work, put on your headphones for this Brett Favre: Rise - "What should I do?" video. You have been warned.



I'm sure most of you have seen this video of the texting woman that fell into the fountain at the mall. Not satisfied with this humiliation....

...the dumb broad went on ABC news with her threats of a lawsuit. No one knew who she was before, now everyone will know not only her identity but that she really is a dumb sh*t. (Editors note: and the plot continues to thicken)

later mang