Halloween Photo Parade, or rather, If I Were Having Any More Fun I'd Soil Myself

Shauna as the Jeepers Creepers monster. Her decorated office is fun fun fun.

With Junior Mints in the garbage can. When she did all this is still a mystery.

Big Chris as an Evil Wizard.

Sexy Count Chocula (who's tie and cummerbund are a bit of a mess. And that vest! Oy! So much for one size fits all). When shown this photo, mean as cat piss Twin hissed, "Looks like the poor fat kid who's parents won't buy him a new costume and insist he repeat it from 3 years prior."

Our newest employee, Sunny as a Witch with bounce. A sultry lass with a gravely voice, Sunny was MUCH needed around here. Although I think Shanna's nose may be a wee bit out of joint as she went down a notch on the totem pole.

Bottom Boy as a Senior Chemist (and yes his eyes are closed on purpose to convey wisdom)

Here's Perv's staff: Full-Time April and Urban Jon (He is so much fun and STREET! There is a lot of 'yo' and 'whas up?'  in his conversation. Sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing him when I can't keep up with his lingo) as Jacob and Bella on uppers.

and the showstopper....

Larry from Engineering as Larry Queen. The transformation is amazing.

The actual Larry King

Angry Ken (holding guitar) looked offended when I asked, "Who are you? Jack Black?" All the way to the right is Penny the Busybody who, to her credit, is a "Raggedy Ann with some miles on her"

This post may be updated later.

The Late Entry....

Katie did NOT have this on this morning and should be grateful No-Nonsense Laura added a fourth category after seeing her for most effort.  Katie is so short (4'9") that sometimes when I see her in the office I blurt out (and this is no joke) "Who's child is that?"

The four winners: Categories were funniest (Larry Queen), most creative (Shauna and only because she decorated her entire office, truth be told), most effort (Katie) and scariest (Sunny. Truth be told, Penny the busy-body was by FAR the scariest but the fix was in so Penny went home empty handed. Although, Penny may have had the last laugh, I took my fangs out and set them on my paper-plate then walked away from it to take the photos above. When I came back they'd been thrown out. I'm almost certain it was Penny.)

And That Carribean Curry is Getting F***ed Up!

The heavily scrutinized Pot-Luck sign up sheet

Tomorrow our company is having a Halloween costume contest where the winner gets some gift cards (I suspect the value of each card is $50 but only No-Nonsense Laura knows for sure) but I don't care about any of that. I'm focused on the Halloween Pot-Luck and have scrutinized the sign up sheet to within an inch of its life. I check it several times per day in anticipation and freely offer unsolicited advice ("Pumpkin Pie? Do you really think we need more sweets? We're having cake on Thursday for the October birthdays ya know.") wherever I see fit. I still don't know what I'm bringing. It won't be much but it will never come close to matching the worst pot-luck contribution ever which came courtesy of Perv (of course). Two years ago he pulled the ugliest fruitcake I've ever seen (his mom had given it to him the  previous Christmas) out of his freezer and had the gall to plop it on the pot-luck table. Like him after his last three dates, it went completely untouched. A fate that certainly won't befall Linda's ribs. She just told me she woke up at 4AM this morning to marinate them.

Good Day

Unexpected Lex in the Morning

This awesome video of awesome people doing awesome things is one of the most amazing things ever and you need to watch it.

A Day Late But Worth The Wait

Glee Recap: What’s the Story Morning Glory?

By California Kara

 My senior year of college, my theatre club did a Rocky Horror float for the Homecoming parade. (Right now you're saying, "Really? Oh my Oprah, this poor girl.") Let me explain: Elizabethtown is a small liberal arts school smack dab in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, aka AmishLand, USA.

 Yes, they do indeed go cow tipping. And before you ask, yes, we had electricity at Etown. So logic would follow that yes, we had parades. And no football team. (That's why my college football allegiance is to Penn State, where I did grad school.) Our float rocked, and ...and if I remember correctly we came in second place to the Occupational Therapy Club, who did something with a lot of macramé flowers and hippie chicks.



Point being, we did Rocky Horror Picture Show, which means I've been looking forward to tonight's ep of Glee since Comic-Con, when Executive Producer Ryan Murphy announced their intention to do RHPS. And do it they did.

 Sure, there were some casting mishaps: Carl, for all intents and purposes, should have been Frank N. Furter. I read John Stamos was nervous to do that role due to the fishnets, and the heels, and such. Seriously, coming from the man who played the androgynous sexpot emcee in Cabaret. Buck up, man. Uncle Jesse would've done it in a heartbeat!

On the other hand, Kurt took on Riff Raff with gusto. Same with Finn as Brad, and Rachel, who embodied Janet's balance of naiveté and bravado. It all came together quite lovely during "Damn it, Janet" with Kurt, Mercedes, and Quinn deadpanning in the background.

 That's not to say I didn't have issues with the show. Sure, the numbers were dumbed down from the original movie, as were some of the lyrics, but my main disappointment lies in lack of overarching story for the season. Seriously, what stories are we following? What should we care about? In Season 1, we were all hooked by the fun characters and the crazy fake baby, love triangle, pregnant teen mother, and will they make it to regionals drama. We had stories – and characters to care about.



What are we doing this season other than traipsing from theme show to theme show? The dialogue serves seemingly only to get us from one musical number to the next. I'm worried iTunes will be the death of Glee; it's no secret that the songs are a money-making machine each Tuesday when they're released. Ryan, I implore you: get back to the stories, the ones that keep us tuned in week after week, knowing Glee is the guaranteed hour I know I'll smile.

 There were a few redeeming points tonight. Most touching were the scenes where we saw Finn worrying over his physique – especially the locker room scene with him, Sam and Artie. In a world where we always see girls fretting over food, it was refreshing to see the guys having that conversation.

 Here's to hoping we, as an audience, get a little more sustenance in our Glee diet in the next few eps.

School Announcements
(i.e., questions, comments & sarcastic remarks):
- "PleasebeEvita, pleasebeEvita, PpleasebeEvita." – Rachel, when Will announces they're doing a musical
- "I have no idea what's going on with this script, and not in a cool Inception kind of way." – Finn, referring to Rocky Horror script
- "Halloween...the day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls and little girls to dress like whores...We've lost the true meaning of Halloween: fear. Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon who's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs." – Sue, on Sue's Corner
- "There's no carpool lane to sexy." - Lady Lips...er, I mean Sam, referring to his "ab-ulous" body
- "These are really short and I'm afraid I'm gonna show off some nuttage." – Sam, referring to his gold lame shorts
- Amusing how Carl was more upset that Will broke his bro-contract than that he danced with Emma during their duet.
- "Give me some chocolate or I will cut you." – Becky to Will
- The cast, who inexplicably pulled together a fully functioning production in a week (as I chanted "willing suspension of disbelief" over and over in my head), nailed "Time Warp" at the end. Major props to Quinn and Kurt.

Speaking of The Mighty Oprah...

Behold! The Oprah Winfrey Network (That's OWN to you) logo.

Take a moment to comprehend.

Gleef-Cake

I ranked the Gleef-cake in order of bang-ability and Finn came out on...top.

I've yet to watch last night's Rocky Horror centric episode of Glee but it looks to be pec-tacular (snort! snort!). Turns out the episode also tackles male body issues, so thus the parade of Gleef-Cake. Sadly, no shirtless Puck because he is still off making his dumb debut album,  California Kara will be reviewing the episode for TWL but her column won't appear until tomorrow because she's too busy rubbing elbows with Michelle Obama, Sandra Day O'Connor and...OPRAH WINFREY (!!!) at The Women's Conference 2010. I'm hoping Oprah strikes down ugly Meg Whitman, who is also in attendance, and damns her to bigot hell.

Oh my.  That was certainly off-topic, mean-spirited, and thoroughly unnecessary....

Bite of the Barracuda!

A barracuda viciously attacked a woman in the Florida Everglades. According to the story here:

A barracuda jumped out of the water and bit a 45-year-old woman kayaker in the chest in the Florida Keys, causing injuries which required her evacuation by boat and helicopter to a Miami hospital, the U.S. Coast Guard said on Monday. It said the incident, in which the woman suffered a suspected punctured lung and broken ribs, took place on Sunday evening near Big Pine Key where the victim and a companion were kayaking in shallow water. “She had a pretty bad chest wound,” the paper quoted one of the rescuers, Captain Kevin Freestone, owner of TowBoatU.S. in Big Pine Key and Cudjoe Key and a member of the Volunteer Fire Department in Big Pine Key. “She was conscious, and she was scared about what had happened to her.”

Shaken to the core, I immediately sent the story to our resident outdoorsman, Outdoorsy-Jarrod, who obviously did further research because he sniffed, "Awesome, it's her own dumb fault. She had some dumb ass shiny necklace on and they love shiny objects. You don't walk by lions with red meat strapped to your neck. It saw some bling bling and jumped for it!"

This photo snapped by Dan the world's only male heterosexual flight attendant's older brother who watched the fracas unfold from above. I'm certain he was thinking, "Well I'll miss Dan and O.J. but if I get footage of the blood-bath I'll be rich!"

Of course, as with almost everything, OJ had a related story to go along with it. He sent me some pics and wrote " Here are some pics of me and Dan, the World's Only Heterosexual Male Flight Attendant, swimming with 100's of barracuda. It was weird. We were swimming along at about 70 feet and saw a big ass school of barracuda going by at around 40. We went up to watch them go by when, much to our surprise, they turned and wrapped around and started circling us. Rob (Dan's bro) was at the top the whole time so he took some pix from above. At one point, Dan and I were back to back as the circle just kept closing in all around us, that’s when Dan and I decided to make a break for it and we went to the surface."

Revelations made near death. Now Dan shall be know as "Dan, Questionably the World's Only Straight Male Flight Attendant."

OK. Just how much fun was that story? It could only have been more fun if there was actual bloodshed. Like a gobbled toe or a slightly munched butt-cheek.  It makes me want to watch the ludicrously entertaining Piranha 3-D again.

Good Day

Joining Napster and Kazaa In the File Sharing Graveyard

Yup, this cesspool of criminal activity is no longer with us. The question remains, will people ever go back to paying full price for musical downloads? Or will hoodlums (like most of  you) continue to download, copy and share freely from other sources, like Frostwire? Hard-core hooligans (those that download entire films for free, like a few of you), are already beyond redemption and will certainly replace the easy to use (so I've heard) Limewire with other sources of theft.

R.I.P.

Yup

Or Remove the Sleeves and Raise the Hem Line

Loose fire-fighter, Higgins from Magnum P.I., and Slutty cop

Desperate for a last minute costume for a Halloween party we attended on Saturday and equally desperate to show some leg, Stavvy and Sonya the Grouch dug up their slutty cop and firefighter outfits. I am going to demand that they retire them after this season as they simply aren't saucy enough for today's Halloween whore-wear. Just last year, Twin pasted two little wings on her back, adorned tiny, almost undetectable panties and a push-up bra and went as a Fallen Victoria's Secret Angel.  Yup, the antes been upped and women are wearing less and less so unless they cut the back out of those Police and Firefighter costumes they simply won't do.

Luckily for them, I saw this pictorial, The Eighteen Weirdest 'Sexy' Halloween Costumes Based on Comics, over on Comics Alliance. Some of the outfits really worked....

Big Breasted Ghostbuster.

Vixen Venom. This costume could be used year round in the bedroom.

This Robin costume, with its fun, crime-fighting cleavage is my favorite.

While others didn't...

 This dumb Tickle Me Elmo is my least favorite.

There is no need for a Sexy Optimus Prime. Ever.

Sonya the Grouch

Despite the Lack of Demand...

Next Monday, finally, we will resume Mimi Monday (with part 2 of 3).

Good Day

Monday Morning Mirth - There's Something Wrong With You

If you get a sick kick from the clear look of disappointment on this failure of a Karate instructor's face, there may be something wrong with you.



If you laugh at this video there is definitely something wrong with you. If you watch it more than once and continue to laugh there is really something wrong with you.

Con-Goers Gone Viral

V's Morena Baccarin and friend

How much fun have the Dragoncon pics been?  Now that the stoned face, unwavering expression but eager to please set of Luke Perry pics have gone viral, I'm hoping even more surface. Like these fun Buffy survivor shots here or Kevin Sorbo shots here. Here are a few samples of the fun that came out of that candid photo booth: 



Summer Glau is a nerd magnet having starred in Firefly, Serenity, The Terminator TV Series, and now Chuck. She may be a robot because her expression never wavers either.

Terminator 2's Edward "It's been a rough life" Furlong simulates hand-job on excitable con-goer.

 

Back in the day, Furlong was Pre-Bieber lesbian chic

Editor in Chief: You'll have to caption this pic. I am simply too sweet to offer insult to any of  Oprah's creatures.

If you haven't yet, check out the gone viral 21 best pics of Luke Perry at Dragoncon.


Good Day

5 Second Encore

It just never gets old to me.

Once I Got Past the Hair...

...I too got swept up in the celebration.

Its the little things.

Letter From the Editor In Chief: October Edition

Eso no es sexy! ¡ Es la madre y el hijo!

If anyone should be a spokesperson for milk its certainly Modern Family's zesty Sofia Vergara. My jaw dropped to the floor when I discovered that the guy in the photo with her is her 19 year old son (wtf!?!). His name is Manolo (like the shoe), and after watching the video above I only have one question for him-  What in the world is it like to have that much mom?

I love the ad copy: “Family favorite. I love being a mom and doing what it takes to build a strong, modern family — like serving my little boy milk. It has nutrients like protein and potassium that have helped him become, well, not so little.”

And Please Don't Let Marja or Perv Anywhere Near that Video Camera!

 

I was going to make one of those, "It Gets Better" videos for today's bullied youth but then I realized that anything I would say ("It gets better boo but life is not all cupcakes and rainbows!" "Make sure you develop skin that is both good and thick." "Maybe you should knock that bully out with a baseball bat!"), might push an already teetering person over the edge or land someone in the hospital. Instead, here is the best "It Gets Better," video I've seen. These Google employees (including a transgender, not sure if post or pre-op) are far more relatable than any celebrity. In the words of NHF, "These dorks will give more hope to the common man than the Tim Gunn video"  Yup, and those Android shirts are a MUST HAVE.

Good day and keep your chin up!

Help From the Trenches

Obviously sensing that I'm too busy to keep this blog updated (But still not too busy to sling and receive insults- Me: I'm so busy with my dumb job that my blog is as barren as your womb. Twin: No kidding. It is as empty and as lonely as your butt-hole), help has come from unexpected sources with various success. First up, Venomous Ryan C sent me this link which features photos of  Lea Michele and Dianna Agron from Glee, taken my famed photographer Terry Richardson. They are quite saucy and feature lollipops.

Those are fun. Five minutes after getting that e-mail, Pretty Boy Danny even tried to pitch in. His e-mail stated, "Thought that you might like to see this is you have not already :)" the attachment said, "Barbies San Diego" and I licked my chops in anticipation of some more cheese-cake shots, possibly of blond and desperate women that PBD has recently dated. I gasped as I opened the attachment because, much to my horror, it contained this dated text.... 

Oceanside Barbie - This recently paroled, tattooed & nose pierced Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a ready lifted desert/river Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash - preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

 Vista Barbie - The upgrade from O'side Barbie. Married Camp Pendleton Ken and now tries to raise 3 kids under age 8 while husband is deployed in Iraq. Available in White, Black, and Samoan.

....you know the drill. This dumb Barbie e-mail has circulated through every city with the appropriate counties placed in front of each Barbie description. Oprah bless PBD he tries. So I'm not mad at him.

Good Day 



The Belly-Flop Report Presents: Two Rhyme Killah

Belly Flop #1 for my jacked up Turkey Chili

Flop Chili: I'm coming off of two major failures and I thought I'd share them with you so you don't feel so awful about your own miserable existence. First of all, I attempted to make turkey chili last night and it was a colossal flop. Chili from the can is preferable to my flop turkey chili. I feel so guilty because a turkey died in vain.

Belly Flop #2 for my free-style rap

Flop Free-Style: After Twin’s latest Caburlesque show, Swarthy Sabin (the real estate agent/former struggling actor that I wrote about here) launched into a lively, dynamic, urban, freestyle rap that incorporated everything I'd done/talked about that evening (starting at the very beginning when we had to turn around and head back to my house because I’d forgotten my ticket). It was so rapid-fire and insane that sadly I can only remember bits and pieces of it. Later, when I asked Twin if she could remember any of it she said, "All I know is that you looked like you were about to pee yourself you were so excited. I know he threw in something about you originally thinking you would stay home and watch Glee and then something about you putting lotion on your balls and feet and going under the sheet to go skeet skeet."

Twin (in festive, spider-web eye make-up) and Swarthy Sabin-The Freestyle Rapper

The free-styling was so street and animated (you could tell that he’d partaken in legitimate free-style competitions before because he even used the thumb and pinky phone gesture while depicting an imaginary conversation that would take place between me and Twin next day) that I asked him if he could do it again. He said “I think so,” and then I promptly forgot because, convinced that I had long dormant free-styling skills that had now been awakened, I had commenced to rap to anyone that would listen….and promptly belly-flopped. My memory is not so good so I am unable to get through more than 2 lines of rhymes before the system collapses. It wasn’t from lack of trying. My biggest supporter, Girl-Alex (a sweet, cute but certifiable Caburlesque Kitten) actually rooted for me to get through more than two lines of rhyme but eventually conceded, “This is not for you.” After pointing out that almost every one of my attempts at free-styling included the phrase, “Dontcha know that…..” Twin dubbed me, “2 Rhyme Thrilla” and said when my album dropped it would be the shortest on record due to its two lines per song length.

Truth be told, even if I could rhyme, it wouldn’t matter. Not when 2 Rhyme Thrilla’s most memorable line (Sabin was still mocking it with Twin the next day) was this gem I spit out when they dropped me off at home:

"Here I am now standing on the street, think about me when you’re home eating meat!"

FLOP!

BONUS BLOGGING: One Non Flop.

Maybe I was in a good mood, maybe it was the non-stop flow of booze that Kevin and Sabin kept bringing to the table, or (most likely) maybe its because we missed the entire first half of it, but Twin's last show did not seem as boring and indulgent as usual. Twin also choreographed her first piece:

"Don't cha know which one was her routine?  Bitch bent over and sh*t got real obscene."

Although there was no official announcement, after she got bent over onstage, it was evident to all exactly which number Twin choreographed.

Here are a few shots from the show:

Good Day