Caring & Concern: Now With Cleavage!

(Hi, T here. I'm excited to present the debut of our Q&A column, featuring the buxom and brilliant Heather.  She comes to us with lofty credentials. Not only has she consistently journaled for all of her adult life, she is also a two time Santa Clara county Scrabble champion, so do recognize and respect. For her first column, I solicited questions from several of our regulars. If you would like some life advice e-mail Heather at becauseyouasked@teawithlemon.com. Now on with the show!)

Question:I'd really like to pay off some debt and save up money for a big trip next year. How can I politely decline dinner and/or events with friends without feeling like a total stick-in-the-mud? -Marja
Answer:Dear Financially Flummoxed,compadres. Start stripping. Everyone loves a pole peeler! By adopting the rod jockey life, you enable the opportunity to spend that quality time together with your friends, as they WILL drop by in support of your efforts to pay off that Target card. All the while that extra scratch you will be making will pay for a brand new pair of Lucite walking heels, for that trip of yours! Its win win for everyone.

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Question: My co-worker has death breath. As his boss, can I legally require him to chew gum?

– Anon 

 Answer:

Dear Dragon Slayer,

When dealing with such a delicate subject as this, keep these in mind: Honesty and truth are not the same thing. In essence, appropriately timed gentleness but honesty is the best policy here, as you have to work and co-create with this person. Your results will improve if you can both get back to focusing on the work and not the road kill filled baby diaper that your counterpart ate for breakfast. That being said, not everyone Gets It when you try to be honest. If the aforementioned does not work simply tell them that their breath smells like their stomach…and they need to take a shit.

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Question:  How can I introduce a little more kink in the boudoir without scaring off my man? – Marja 

Answer:

Dear Pink in the Stink,

Remember what it was like to first date each other? The 'come get me gazes', the groping under the table, the hours of dry humping in the car? Okay, so it's natural for passion to wax and wane over time and it's perfectly normal to want to mix it up a bit in the stabin' cabin. However, the proposition of fantasy or fetish is never an easy one to tackle. So before you up the ante and get all Tiger on your boo, be sure to follow these steps. 
 Step 1: Lay the foundation. No, this doesn't mean nuzzle up next to him during his fantasy football draft. Nothing screams 'lets role play' like burrito breath. Rather, start by boosting his ego on the regular. And keep in mind, part of the seduction and intrigue is in your words. Find ways of letting him know you find him attractive, strong, funny…desired. FLIRT with intent. Flirting and teasing captures the interest and says 'Would you like to play?'" And one of the most exhilarating things about the game is that clarity is not the point. Flirting opens the window of potential.
 Step 2: Know your audience. One mans massage oil is another mans anal beads. Take things slow. There are subtle ways to ease into kink without even realizing you are really doing it. Test the waters as you go along. Whether it is an occasional not-too-hard smack in the ass or being a little more verbally assertive …as the old saying goes "It's the little things".
 Step 3: Whisky
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Question:
As a woman in my late 30's, how do I find a man in San Diego? I like men that are successful, smart and good looking. – Big Booty Donna
 Answer:
Dear Good luck with that,

Good luck with that.

Beer, Boozers Insure Boss Gets Money Worth At Ball Park

The Boss arranged a company outing to the boring ass Padres Vs. Phillies game this past Saturday at the The Western Metal Supply Co. roof-top which he said would provide, "Unlimited food and drink."  I wanted to make sure my boss was getting a good value for his dollar (Ok, I'm also nosy and was curious about how much he paid for the tickets and I am always skeptical when anyone promises "Unlimited food and drink,"), so I looked up the following on the Padres web-site:

[For the ultimate bleacher seating experience with extraordinary views of downtown San Diego, treat your groups of 30-250 (this means he paid $1,470 minimum. I would really have to roll up my sleeves and help him get his money's worth) to a Padres game from atop the historic Western Metal Supply Co. Building.

For ONLY $49 your Rooftop Bleacher ticket includes:
A pre-game buffet, beginning 1 hour prior to gametime and continuing 1 hour after first pitch (This was not all you can eat. I feel cheated and lied to and almost wept openly when they wheeled that buffet table away before I could get seconds, even though the chicken was so dry it actually scratched my throat. I would prefer that the buffet begin one hour after gametime, after we got ta drinkin)
Ballpark snacks served in the 3rd inning (raggedy ass Cracker-Jacks with even cheaper than usual prizes and admittedly tasty peanuts)
Beverage service beginning 1 hour prior to first pitch and running through 7th inning (!!!)]

The table during the seventh inning. At one point I said, "I think that there is more than enough back-up here. At this point we are verging on gluttony. How will we ever drink all this beer?" That proved not to be the problem as that table and more was cleaned out at the beginning of the ninth inning. We left before panic spread.

This is where the value kicked in. Although you were only allowed two beers at a time, urged on by the bosses' booze swilling son, Steven, we engineered a system of setting the beers down and getting right back into the very long beer line. This insured we built up quite a stock and would not risk running out after the seventh inning. Mind you, anyone that knows me will attest that I am not a beer drinker. At this point, I was motivated solely by "all you can drink" greed and I'm not proud of it.

Here, Lex, my guest as I knew he'd help us get our companies money's worth, stares on in disbelief as Steven is convinced he's about to bag Bar Refaeli and a Kardashian

But I certainly don't feel as bad as Steven. Who by now has been raked over the coal by all of his friends in attendance and then some. Steven, a good looking bloke, became so obliterated that he started hitting on women that were roughly my size but not quite as pretty.

How was the boring ass game? I don't know. I hate baseball and don't care. I sat in the bleachers for one inning, at best, doing little besides talking sh*t and laughing about things that had nothing to do with the game. You'll have to ask Perv or Larry from Engineering, both of whom did very little to contribute to our getting the companies money's worth, as this is where I assume they spent most of the nine innings.

On Monday the big boss sent out the following e-mail:
I hope everyone had a great time at the LDC Padres Game although we lost!! Just a short recap: #1 Beer Drinker = ???? 18 (beers total) , guess who? #1Eater = Aaron (a skinny blond buy in engineering that Perv fancies) , from my count 2 chicken sandwiches, 4 hot dogs, 2 lbs pasta, watermelon, 2 bags peanuts, 1 bag cracker jacks, and XX beers.
-Rich

My beloved Linda guessed me! 18 Beers? Really? Gross.  I was insulted and fired off the following company wide e-mail:

Nope! I certainly had more than my fair share but the competition was stiff and Ming doubts that I even made the top 3. Steven was guzzling like there was a prize on the bottom of each cup, Kyaw looked to be a bit wobbly after the 5th inning, and Christina was clearly quite thirsty.
-T

Now Christina is upset with me and I need to soothe her ruffled feathers (Some noise about me lumping her in with hard drinking men, despite the fact that she was drinking as much as the hard drinking men. But I don't think, "Maybe you should drink less!" will work here.), but the good news is that I'm comfortable the $1,470 was recouped successfully.
Good Day

Enough With The Entourage Bashing!

A "relate-able" looking cast careens towards obscurity

Pajiba.com (the website with scathing reviews for bitchy people) has a pictorial called The Television One-Off: Ten Recent and Current TV Actors who will Fade into Obscurity After Their Respective Shows End and they use it as an opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and bash Entourage with this nugget:

Adrien Grenier, Kevin Connolly, Kevin Dillon & Jerry Ferrara: Vincent Chase, Eric Murphy, Johnny Drama & Turtle, “Entourage.” Do you ever see any of these guys in other movies? Grenier was the boyfriend in The Devil Wears Prada, but that’s about the extent of his career outside of Johnny Chase. Connolly may get the occasional smarmy boyfriend role, but Dillon and Ferrara are completely cooked post-“Entourage.” I’m not particularly upset about this development.

What the?!?!? It bothers me that every Tom, Dick and Harry has come out of the wood-work to take a pot-shot at Entourage, now that it has one foot in the grave, when I've been taking pot-shots at that uneven mess for years now! I think it rude. It is no fun to talk sh*t about this show anymore now that everyone is doing it. But like the author of that article, I won't miss the cast one bit.

Guess what other actor Pajiba thinks has a one way ticket to obscurity?

Good Day

Monday Mirth

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Future Tosh.0 material

Good Day

This Sums Up The Week

HAHAHAHAHHAAA!!!!



The volume needs to be up for this one. I laughed until I cried from the sound of impact. No joke. My co-worker Ethyl just told me, "When you get the giggles and can't stop laughing until you're crying like that...well it's time to go home."

And with that...

Good Weekend

Coiffure That's Comely

In the pictorial, 10 Haircuts Hot Women Love, advice is given on how to obtain the hairstyle of 10 different celebrities and several types of hair-styled (even mine!) are included except for long hair (that would be a separate pictorial titled 10 Haircuts Whorish Backstage Tramps and Slutty Rock Groupies Love),  mullets (which can me found alongside Jheri-curls in the pictorial, 10 Haircuts Ugly Women Love), Mohawks (which should be attempted only by the preposterously hot, like him and him) and afros (which only works if you have a strong jaw-line, like him and him).

Below are a few examples from the article:

Matthew McConaughey
This kind of guy can rock it: Artists, bohemian types, guys who don’t live near a barber shop.
This kind of guy can’t: Guys who stopped smoking weed after college, guys with 9-to-5 jobs.
The hair you’ll need: Wavy or curly hair and time to grow it out.
How to style it: Conditioner (in addition to shampoo) is a must with longer hair to keep it soft. After showering, apply a curl cream to wet hair and let it air-dry.

Adam Brody (just placing his pic here was painful because he really annoys me, but the text is funny so I relented)
This kind of guy can rock it: Comic book/video game guys, guys who always have a snappy comeback on hand, comedians.
This kind of guy can’t: Ultra-macho men, guys who need to be taken seriously.
The hair you’ll need: Curly or wavy hair is a must.
How to style it: A curl-defining gel is crucial to keep your look cool, not frizzy-’fro. Put a nickel-sized amount in your hands and run it through wet hair, then let your hair air-dry without touching it too much. That causes more frizzy-’fro.

Robert Pattinson
This kind of guy can rock it: Artistic types, lazy guys, vampires.
This kind of guy can’t: Anyone who needs to look remotely professional.
The hair you’ll need: Wavy, thick hair will work best. Curly guys can try this as well.
How to style it: Here’s the thing about this look: While it seems like Pattinson rolled out of bed and onto the red carpet, he actually spent some time styling this. Try using a pomade or styling wax to mold your hair up into this messy shape.
Crucial bonus tip: You want to look like you were rolling around in bed all night, not smell like it. So don’t skip showering to try and make this more authentic.


See the other 7 examples here.

 Good Day

Hip Brazilian Stamp of Approval

My Digital Camera Evolution

Olympus Stylus Tough 6020

My first digital camera was a hand me down that my girlfriend at the time bought off her cousin. It was a piece of crap Kodak camera, and I had no idea how big of a piece of crap it was until I bought myself a Canon PowerShot SD200 Digital Elph. That Canon was awesome, and I immediately became a fan of all their digi cams. They take great pictures and are very easy to use. They don't make the SD200 anymore, because frankly that camera is WEAK compared to what's out on the market now. I was sad when my Canon died a couple years ago after 7 years of awesomeness. Although I was bummed, I couldn't complain because rarely does a good piece of tech last that long.

Underwater pic of my new wife, Nubile Nikki, snorkeling...great quality even though it was an cloudy day.

I didn't buy a new digi cam because my new wife Nikki also has a Canon, however in preparation for our honeymoon to Fiji (what recession?), I took the advice from our wedding photographer on which camera to go with. He's a hip Brazilian surfer that takes surfing pictures all over the world when not doing weddings. He told me about this Olympus Stylus Tough digi cam that can take pictures and videos UNDER WATER!

Underwater vid of chasing a colorful fish

I don't know if this is the best digi cam out there for the money, but I do know that I like it a lot. It took amazing pics and vids during our honeymoon.

Here are some of the cool features:

• 14.0 megapixel
• 5x optical/5x digital/25x total zoom
• 2.7" HyperCrystal III LCD monitor
• Dual Image Stabilization
• HD movie mode (HDMI output, records MP4 video clips at 720p or 480p and lets you view them on an HDTV)
• 632MB internal memory
• Shockproof up to 5 feet and Waterproof down to 16 feet (there is a better model for $100 more that is Shockproof up to 6.6 feet and Waterproof down to 33 feet)

Great detail in this pic of the actual island where Tom Hanks' Castaway was filmed...WILSON!

Some people have complained that the menu is difficult to navigate, start up is slow, and the delay between picture taking is too long. I've noticed all 3 of those issues, and I really feel they aren't big enough issues to not buy this camera. The kids at Best Buy were also big fans of it when I was looking for an underwater camera.

I give this camera a score of 4 out of 5 "entitled smirks".

Cat Puts Brakes On Kink

Catblock (The Ultimate Co%kblock) from Toph Eggers

Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Dave Franco, little brother of James Franco, star in Catblock: The Ultimate C*ckblock. The best thing about this video are the posters of James Franco's bombs that are hanging on the wall! I think this is Dave Franco's way of getting vengeance for his older brother confessing that he's never seen one single thing that Dave's been in. I love sibling spite because I understand it.

Good Day

The Fix Is In

Back in July, Entertainment Weekly launched a nerd-centric "Sexy Beast" competition that pitted pop-culture vampires, werewolves, aliens, mutants, monsters and machines against each other in a polling-bracket designed to find the ultimate "Sexy Beast". After weeks of voting, the results are finally in and the winner was NOT anyone from the ripped cast of True Blood, Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, those over-rated blokes from Twilight,or that sexy bad-girl, Anna, from V.  No, the winner was a Lost reject (Ian Somerhalder, admittedly fine, seen smoldering in the bottom left hand corner above, as Damon Salvatore on the girlish Vampire Diaries), who came from nowhere and triumphed over dork favorites like Neytiri from Avatar.

It was clearly fixed (multiple voting by a well organized Vampire Diary, teenage girl fan-base) and thus, a flop poll that failed in its original intent of awarding the true "Sexy Beast" the title they so obviously deserve. We all know who that is so I won't waste time by mentioning them here.

Good Day

The Screw Up

Here was the best number of the night and I actually screamed out "Get it girl!" at around the 1:33 mark when Twin (on left) cooked up some funk. Sadly, you can barely see it thanks to the clumsy camerawork. Still this was a shockingly lively number.

Twin's beau (I can't call him "And Holding...." anymore because I guess I like him somewhat now) filmed these two pieces when we attended her Caburlesque Kittens show at Coronado Playhouse. Most of the show was boring and indulgent but I really liked these two numbers and Twin's beau promised me HD videos of each one. As you can clearly see it was a big fat flop with blurred faces, and crap camera work due to a drunken, unsteady hand. How annoying. Anyway, I'm stressed beyond belief at work and needy for new blog content so I've placed them here out of sheer desperation.

If you look on the left at the 46 second mark of this Fever vid you will see (barely, thanks to crap camera-work) Twin bust out some serious hairography.

True Blood in 60 seconds. They just don't get it.


Desperate for fresh blog content, I ruthlessly plucked this vid from TheDailyWh.at


The Mommy & Daddy Song is from the clowns that brought you The Intruder Song. Inappropriate but somewhat catchy.

Eating Ambassadors in: Love Your Body Boo

 I think it would have really sent a message to place the thicker Chenese Lewis front and center instead of wedging and obscuring her behind a winner of America's Next Top Model.

The winner of season 10 of America's Next Top Model, gorgeous and "plus-sized" Whitney Thompson, will be the "celebrity" host of the Hollywood Chapter of the National Organizations for Women's 5th annual Love Your Body Day on October 23, 2010. I saw these pics of Whitney posing with the event's creator, Chenese Lewis, on The Huffington Post and I was instantly drawn to their nakedness and jiggly jungle fever flavor. Best of all, I was thrilled to see that a winner of ANTM is actually doing something. Anything.  Turns out she's quite the busy bee. According to the article, these women are titans in the healthy eating arena as Whitney also serves as an ambassador for the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) and Chenese acts as an ambassador for the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA). Organizations that are sorely needed in a world where models the size of Ms. Thompson are referred to as "plus-sized".

I love this delicate and vulnerable photo as Whitney seems to be shielding Chenese from a cruel world that is eager to crack Precious jokes.

Bonus Blogging:Well Fed Cad

From Hunk to Chunk.  The ladies-man known as Brad the Cad, seemingly now an ambassador for pork-chops and pound cake, speaks at a "Ballooning with Dignity" rally.

Puns Labyrinth

WARNING: A bit of gore here (Pan's Labryinth was as relentlessly downbeat and depressing as it was brilliant) but this clip is great.

Monday Morning Mirth

This "Ninja Please" video comes courtesy of Outdoorsy-Jarrod.

Things To Do Over the Weekend: Lex In The Afternoon Edition

This slap-dash "Things to do Over the Weekend" was pulled together pretty quickly after T wrote me this e-mail, "I am suffering from a deep-rooted, long-suppressed and crippling depression that has left me unable to speak, nevertheless write. Could you be a lamb and do a Things to Do Over the Weekend column for me while I search for a Jewish Psychiatrist? Jews make the best psychiatrists and I won't even entertain one that isn't!" How could I say no? So here it is:

Things to Do Over the Weekend:

Lex Edition

Watch Breaking Bad

If you liked chemistry class, dodging the man, and/or methamphetamines, this show is for you.

Listen to In A Safe Place by The Album Leaf

Great album by a great post-rock San Diego based band. Listen to some of their stuff here.

When you're done with that, another great post-rock band is Mogwai. I'm not giving you any links because you should already be listening to them anyway because its f*ckin Mogwai. (Although no one but him wants to relive it, The Editor In Chief wants us to provide a link to his previous Mogwai coverage here)

Take a Sex Survey

This Sex Survey starts off pretty interesting but then it starts to suck. If you find a better one let me know. Here are just two of the random question on this survey:

Have you ever been spanked (as part of sex)?

Yes 28% Yes - I Like It 14% Yes, But I Didn't Like It No 25% No, but I Want To Be 28% No, and I Don't Want To Be Have you ever received money or favors in exchange for a sex act?

11% Yes, I Have 67% No, I Haven't 19% No, But I Would For The Right Price (Damn that cougar for leaving $20 on the dresser after I gave her a massage. Now I'm not so sure I can answer no to that second one.) Watch the Chat Roulette Video Here "Supernatural Activity" is the new "Sweaty Old Balls" when it comes to reasons to avoid Chatroulette like the plague. Watch: The Violation of the Black Pussy

T sent me this video and said, "This reminded me of you and that bitch, the Black Widow's, mating habits."

Study Up on HoMIKopathic Medicine.

Futurama's clip on Homeopathic medicine. I was sick as sh*t a couple of weeks ago with a bad cough and Mik recommended the homeopathic cough syrup from Whole Foods and swore that it would cure my cough, because it had miraculously healed The Blow Up Doll from really bad bronchitis, as long as I avoided coffee. Anyone that knows Mik will take a second to say, "F*ckin Mik," after they read that sentence. I was desperate to try anything and T told me Mik was adamant about it so I tried it. Guess what? My cough got better. So now I'm a convert to HoMIKopathic medicine. Yes, I was already sick for about a week so some (N.H.F.) may say my cough just went away naturally. But, since we don't know for sure, I'm placing my bets on the Bitterman. and finally...

Boom!

Late.

Clever Header Here

She's looking good, but I still see a bit of crazy lingering behind the eyes.

One of my favorite Glee characters, the hilarious dim-bulb Britney, will share screen time with Brittany Spears in a Brittany/Britney-centric episode of Glee later this year. From this on-set photo, I see they are doing an homage to the quite crappy, Me Against The Music video (stinking up the joint below), with Ms. Spears taking on the Madonna role.

Me Against the Music -What a flop. When you have two dance-floor icons, with surprisingly palatable chemistry (the last scene almost makes this worth watching), that have already been betrayed by a clumsy, unoriginal song; you should at least take the time to knock out some whip-smart choreography to showcase their talents.


Heather Morris excels in the what must be the extremely stressful task of dancing back-up for Jay-Z's wife.

I'm still not worried. Not in the least. The actress that portrays Britney (Heather Morris) certainly lift this from the lacklustre source material. Heather is not to be trifled with, as evidenced by the video above where she dances back-up for Beyoncé and her juicy cocoa-butter thighs. If you can hang with Sasha Fierce and manage not to get swallowed up whole, while excelling in the field of "hairography," we expect big things out of you so....I'd suggest you deliver.

Glee show-runner, Ryan Murphy, humbled and happily back at his day job after directing the extremely horribly reviewed Julia Roberts vehicle, Eat Pray Love.

Find Out What's Inside....

What I’m Watching This Week:

I'm 4 seasons behind, but I have finally given in to the relentless, "You have to watch Mad Men" chorus heard round the world. During my post-Con decompression I plowed through season one with fervor usually reserved for a bottle of Barossa Valley Grenache or a hot hipster with facial hair. As I sing its praises to nearly anyone who will listen, I always get stumped up on one simple question, "So, what is it about?"

Uh….. um. Well…… uh. It's about …. these guys. Uh, they work at an advertising agency on Madison Avenue in the 1960's. So…Uh. That's why it's called "Mad Men". And they drink and smoke a lot and sleep around with secretaries. Um…….uh, yeah that's basically it. Yup.

Mad Men is nearly impossible to sell, despite being all about sales. The thing is, Mad Men is just beautiful to watch. The scenery, the costumes, the set design, the period food and pop culture - and most of all - the acting. Casting for this show is brilliant. Christina Hendricks as office manager "Joan" (see clip below) steals nearly every scene and is by far my favorite character, and Jon Hamm's "Donald Draper" is so unintentionally pathological you can't help but root for a happy ending even though you know he deserves this path of self-destruction. Mad Men is everything True Blood lacks in subtlety. There is no chewing through the scenery here. Mad Men also explores the social dynamics of an era not so long ago, but seems simply barbaric. Men are kings of their castles, and women are pretty ornaments that decorate them.

Mad Men is a show left best to explain itself. If you do yourself one favor today, take a 5-minute break and give the clips below a chance to suck you in. I'll be shutting in and starting season two this weekend with a mint julep, beef wellington, and grasshopper pie.

Man Men is on AMC, Sundays at 10:00 pm.

ADVICE FROM MAD MEN:


HOW TO CHEAT LIKE A MAD MEN:


WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE JOAN:


BETTY DRAPER, MOTHER OF THE YEAR:



What I'm Not Watching This Week:

Not even Sloan's new fake boobs could stop HBO's Entourage from jumping the shark this season. Actually, jumping the shark would be a tad bit more interesting than this deflated excuse of a comedy. It's been slipping the last couple of years, and Vinnie and the boys have finally worn out their welcome. If it wasn't for the brilliant Jeremy Piven as "Ari Gold", Entourage would have lost it's way seasons ago, and this year they've given him a trumped up, yet ridiculously uninteresting, storyline about acquiring an NFL franchise. Yawn. As far as I'm concerned, the only way to save this dud is to give Vinnie a Lindsay Lohan coke habit and have him OD in the series finale, prompting Johnny Drama to be cast in a new Quentin Tarantino drama as the result of his profoundly moving eulogy at Vinnie's funeral. Nail meet casket.

What I'm Ashamed to be Watching This Week:

When you've grown up with Melrose Place and 90210 (the originals), watching Chad Lowe and Laura Leighton cast as parents of gorgeous teenage children will make you feel very old and a tad bit pedophilic, and not in that good lusting over Mark Salling kind of way. Fortunately for me, I have a 15 year-old daughter and a built-in excuse to watch Pretty Little Liars – It's family time!

Although it airs on ABC's Family channel, Mean Girls this is not. The girls of PLL kiss their sister's fiancés (yes, that is plural!), make-out with their hot (but sensitive!) poetry teacher, engage in sordid lesbian relationships, inadvertently blind a fellow classmate via a Molotov cocktail, and slim down each summer at "fat camp", which is really just a polite way to describe 3 months of binging and purging. Are you rolling your eyes yet?

PLL was just a summer run for 10 episodes and will return Tuesdays in January 2011. Personally, that is far too long for me to wait to see if bulimic Hannah is really dead after being hit by a car driven by the mysterious "A" who torments the girls by text message from beyond the grave.

I know. Don't judge me.

Bull Goes Bezerk

(video compliments of the gas-bag known as the Editor-In-Chief)

Tired of its crap life, this bull lost its sh*t and tried to escape but all those dumb people got in the way. I got caught up in the moment and started screaming, "Run Bull Run!"

Like it had somewhere to go.

Nosy about the Nightingale

The busty song-bird

Last night I met Stavvy at the snooty and overpriced but well reviewed US Grant hotel, in downtown San Diego, for a round of cluck cluck cluckin' that would have left an inexperienced clucker with a sore throat or vocal chord damage and in dire need for a warm salt gargle and Chloraseptic. We were running our mouths with such fury that I didn't even notice a band setting up for a set at the front of the bar for jazz night. But when I turned to see the well dressed, young, sultry and curvy vocalist-with an underlying sense of fragility and neediness that comes with the thirst for the limelight- take the stage, I thought, "Good thing Lex is not here, or that vocalist would leave this hotel flushed and sex-funky with an unwanted fetus." After the chanteuse launched into a surprisingly rich version of the Etta James classic, At Last, I turned to Stavvy and said, "What the hell? She's really good! This bunk sound system is betraying her but she seems a little too good to be singing to this sparse crowd." Stavvy, clearly annoyed that the loud music was making our clucking more difficult, could have cared less, so we got back to cluckin' but I made a mental note to stalk research the vocalist, via the Internet, this morning.

I commenced about an hour ago and it yielded unexpected results. First, I found out her name by checking out the US Grant events schedule. Then I was flooded with info like...

She auditioned for American Idol and Simon liked her. She got a "Golden Ticket" to Hollywood but was presumably chewed up and spit out there, as additional research yielded no further results on her doomed Idol journey.

I also found this video of the song-bird belting out the national anthem, at a Padres game, before I had to stop stalking and get to work.

That was fun. Now here's the:

Moral of the Story: The music industry is rough. One minute you've got a "Golden Ticket" in your hand and the next you're belting out songs in a hotel bar to weird bloggers that want to know your story.

Vampires Suck(ed)

Giving a bad review to Vampires Suck (opening today), a parody of the Twilight films, is a foregone conclusion. Currently tracking at 0% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, you should go in expecting it to be even worse than the truly awful Superhero Movie, a parody of superhero films. I don't know if its worse but its every bit as bad.  While I knew it would be dreadful, after sitting through the film I can say I truly didn't realize how dreadful. But then again, this wasn't made for me. This broad and dumb movie targets the demographic of dizzy teenage girls, the slobbering teenage imbeciles that wish to date them, chowder-heads, cat-lovers, and the brain-dead. Since I've no business reviewing (or watching) this in the first place; I've decided to focus on the good things about the film in my review:

Yup. The humor is this lazy.

Vampires Suck Review: The name Edward Sullen (instead of Cullen) almost made me chuckle. The two male leads (Matt Lanter and Chris Riggi) are actually hotter than their Twilight counterparts. The movie lowered the parody film bench-mark so I'm dreading next year's Scary Movie 5 a little less.

There. That's everything good. I give this 1 out of 10. The 1 is for the appearance of good bone structure and rippling abs.


This clip, sadly one of the films best moments, pretty much sums it up.

Good Day

The Antoine Dodson Doll

Available on E-bay for $50.

Let's encore that shall we...

Especially now that it has HIT BILLBOARD'S TOP 100 (no joke!)

Lead Your Hipster to The Slaughter of American Apparel

American Apparel is struggling and heading for bankruptcy. Everyone keeps trying to figure out WHY since the clothes are made here in America, a near miracle that should spark some kind of shopper loyalty, and hipsters love it. Most fingers point to expanding too fast but I think it is a combination of building ill will with spotty hiring practices (the busted need not apply), alienating hipsters of size, and most of all, pricing. A deep neck V t-shirt at American Apparel is $19-$20 while a deep neck V at H&M (Based in Sweden, it's the IKEA of clothing stores-cheap and efficient) is $6-$9.  Worse, a simple pair of American Apparel Slim Slack costs $74. A similar slack at H&M is only $24.95.

Yes, that H&M deep V is going to disintegrate in the wash, like it never was, and those H&M slacks will split down the middle after only a few wears, but tell that to an out of work hipster.  I've scoured the comments sections from the article's here and here and tucked within the pro and con AA arguments are some hilarious comments like, ""Unless you are a stick insect, their stuff makes you look like a chubby hooker...from the 80's," and, "Inexpensive leggings and t-shirts? No, if that's what AA was known for, they wouldn't be going bankrupt. They're known for their smutty ads and grossly overpriced leggings and shirts."

That reminds me. The glorious, smutty ads. Chock full of needless titillation and exploitation. How I loved them. Let's take a look at a few of my favorites as I hold vigil that AA is spared because I think their baby-rib underwear is too cute to lose.

Good Day