How Heavy My Yoke

Funny thing; I thought this was going to be my best day of blogging ever because I've got a lot to say and my department was supposed to be unusually quiet today so I could blog without interruption. I was actually bragging about it this morning, and proceeded to laugh in Perv's face when he told me his office was extremely busy.

Well now that I reflect upon the day, I realize that each moment has been an exercise in fresh hell with constant interruption from people that seemingly can't wait to burden me with gobbledygook. I can safely say that I got owned.

My day actually reminds me a lot of this classic Samuel L. Jackson scene from the classic film, Deep Sea Blue (Well it was a classic to me anyway. It was one of the first horror movies that taught me the black guy didn't have be the first to die and he could possibly even escape an untimely demise altogether, after LL Cool J miraculously made it to the end credits).

It's too bad actually. I was going to do a sound-bite's of the week blog featuring fun verbal exchanges like this one between Twin's mom, Tight, and the preposterously ballooning ladies man, Brad the Cad (who has clearly swapped womanizing for whole hams, pounding for pork chops, kink for cake, or maybe he is just incorporating a little too much whipped cream and chocolate sauce during push push)

Brad the Cad (while moving in for a hug from Tight):  I know I know, I've gotten fat.
Tight (almost disappearing in his doughy frame):  Yes, yes you have.


But that will have to wait until next week.

Poached from the Daily Wh.at. Who poached it from here.

Just Cancelling It Would Have Been Kinder

OUT - I think its a mistake to let Kara DioGuardi go as she seems to know what she's talking about. I'm still not sure if this is confirmed.

OUT - Not like that, unlike some of you she's been out for years. I mean out as a useless judge on American Idol.  She walked away gracefully under the guise of "resigning" but we all know she was fired. I learned she was leaving from California Kara's Facebook page (!!!), which has now replaced TMZ.com as my #1 source for breaking news.

IN- J.Lo and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith (????).  I'm still not sure if this is confirmed yet. Let me go check out California Kara's Facebook page and get back to you.

Marja Hacks Up More Thursday Mirth

Marja just sent me this Thursday funny, How to Trick People Into Thinking You're Good Looking, and although the lass in the video is a little annoying, I found it amusing (and a little too true for some of you) so I decided to share.

Good Day

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Steve Carell from Between Two Ferns

Lots of good fat and big nose jokes here in this Steve Carrell vs. Zach Galifianakis interview.

Don't Fret: Missing Columnists to Return

Busy gas bagging, acting entitled.
 Expected back THIS week.

Under the Weather. Has the Sniffles.

Expected back next week.

Suffering from Exhaustion. Return date undetermined

Suffering from being self-absorbed and annoying. 

Back when wants to blog about herself.

Folding Tips, Tea Leaves, and 0.19 oz of Waste.

Diana the temp sent this "How to Fold a T-shirt" video to select persons (women and gays) in the office today and she was just so excited about it (The e-mail began with, "YOU MUST SEE THIS!!!!"  I was startled by the enthusiasm) that I decided to post it here. I wish it had subtitles.

This reminds me of an e-mail thread last week that was sparked when Diana the temp sent the following e-mail to EVERYONE in our San Diego office:

Not trying to be rude, but please, pick up your tea leaves out of the sink. I have found them in the in the kitchen sink as well as the ladies restroom sink.

Tea Leaves? There are lots of Asians here, so Tea Leaf droppings are common, but who was drinking tea in the bathroom? Gross.  I was still scratching my head from that one when Linda, second in command of the entire company, wasted her valuable time by piggybacking on Diana's e-mail and sent out the following:

and [stop leaving] half empty creamer container on top of the kitchen counter.

0.38 oz

I thought, "This is getting ridiculous, but I am curious as to what kind of tool would leave a little ass half-empty cream container on the...." when Bottom Boy jumped into the fray and puked up the following e-mail:

I typically leave half of a creamer container next to the coffee pot bec I never use the whole thing… So I guess I’ll take the responsibility for that one! Just figured someone else would use it…

Sweet Oprah. Forgetting for a moment that he thinks he is too precious to consume the entire, absurdly tiny serving, that big dummy actually thought someone would walk into the kitchen and see a half empty cream container sitting on the counter and just dump it into their coffee. I sent him the following short and sweet e-mail:

You're a tool bag.

He should be grateful the incident occurred last week, and not yesterday, as yesterday I was still feeling bold from my weekend as a pseudo-top at Comic-con, where I bossed folks freely and let everyone know exactly what was up (I say "pseudo" because all of this bravado occurred while I was safely tucked behind the safety of Marja's skirt). Now, had this tom-foolery occurred yesterday, I would have taken Bottom Boy out to the dumpsters at the back of the building, bent him over, and then banged some brains into that buffoon.

And with that....

Good Day

Misc.

I'm having a little too much fun catching up on all the viral crap I missed over the weekend and I thought it would be stingy not to share some of it. First up, The video above of a whale breaching onto a yacht off Cape Town, South Africa makes me laugh much harder than it should.

Then, this picture of  a drunken, crotch-flashing, Paris Hilton from TMZ is just a mess. Don't you judge her. Minus the crotch flash, almost all of us have been there.

 

For some reason, I was drawn to the sweetness and unhinged desperation of this comic I poached from WOW.

And yes I know the Mel Gibson mash-ups are tired. But in this video you'll see that Mel's life would be easier if he just switched teams. He clearly works better as an abusive top.




WARNING: Do not watch this trailer for the upcoming season of Dexter if you aren't up to date. I got goose bumps and am grateful to see that it looks like Quinn will be getting more screen-time.

That's all for now.

Church Owned by Clever Dicks

HAHAHAHAHHA!

You simply must go to the Comics Alliance web-site for more photos and videos of the counter-protesters that greeted, and over-powered, clueless Fred Phelps and his hateful Westboro Baptist Church after they made the foolish decision to protest Comic-Con on the grounds that it promotes idolatry. Nerds are clever dicks and you do not want to mess with them. Just reading that the crowd chanted...

"WHAT DO WE WANT" "GAY SEX" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT" "NOW!"

....makes me so very happy.

see more here

When I watch 80's pop rivals, Tiffany and Debbie (now Deborah) Gibson, battle it out in this preview for Syfy's upcoming Mega Python Vs Gatoroid movie I think:

• Both of these women have enjoyed international stardom with #1 records, several top ten hits and multi-platinum albums under their belts. Something that is, statistically, close to impossible to achieve. 
• Now the most important number 1 in their life is the 1st of the month, because that's when rent is due, and its time to hustle. That is why they are slumming in low-budget shlock like Mega Python Vs Gatoroid .
• Deborah Gibson sure is pretty scrappy to take on the much thicker Tiffany.
• Tiffany used some of that "I Think We're Alone Now" money to get a really good boob and lip job.

Good Day

Bobbi Beach Washes Up On News Shore

Marja and I were trolling the Internet during Comic-Con to see how badly the media would trump up the notorious "ball-point pen stabbing" that occurred on Saturday at the convention center when one of the con goers was allegedly angered when another sat too close to him. I seriously doubt that. The man arrested was wearing a Harry Potter t-shirt. I suspect tempers flared after an argument broke out about which House was superior at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Anyway, our eyes bulged and jaws dropped when we watched the video above and it kicked off with none other than Bobbi Beach getting interviewed by a news 8 reporter. They dropped again after Bobbi Beach referred to con-goers as "nerds". Later in the segment, just like Lex after he's had a few shots of Jack, News 8 went back for seconds and we get more Bobbi Beach as she states, "It's a big city now, it's a big event..." like that's something new. The poor dear must have bumped her head during her infamous tumble in the bathtub.

Be sure to stick around for the end of the segment where a man takes a tumble behind the reporter!

Good Day

The Long Weekend

First of all a special shout out to T for single-handedly keeping the blog afloat this past week despite endless bombardment by seemingly insurmountable trials, tribulations and undo burdens that could have broken a lesser man.

Like most of our staff, he’s taking the rest of the week off to focus on new forms of hell, but we’ll be back next week.

Until then.

Twin Models Geek Chic

Twin models in the It's Geek Chic: Comic-Con segment above and if you want to see someone literally almost BURST with excitement, because it is FINALLY their turn to be on stage, head to the 3:04 mark of that video (you may have to search for it a bit using the arrows on the video, that stupid San Diego Living show does not make embedding easy). This is the closest Twin will actually get to Comic-Con as that simply isn't her bag. As I type this, she's prepping her hat for Opening Day at the Races in Del Mar where she will run her mouth all night long.

Good Day

Public Service Message For Blackberry 8330 Users

This will be boring to most of you, but I really care about people so I have to share this for any other Blackberry user that may be walking around with a cracked screen.

 

In a fit of clumsy, I dropped my Blackberry and it slid off the balcony, plummeted a good ten feet and landed on the concrete below. I thought for sure that I was going to suffer either a shattered LCD screen or, at the very least, for that dumb track ball to have popped out and then rolled right into oblivion (Sprint tried to bilk me out of $75 the last time the track ball went missing, but they got a good finger wagging and replaced it for free). Turns out this Blackberry 8330 is not only smart, its tough. The LCD screen survived and the trackball was still firmly in place. The only noticable trauma was in the form of a cracked LCD cover screen. I called Sprint and they said to come right in as they would be more than happy to replace the cracked screen...for $100.  I thought, "Well, now that I think about it, this crack actually adds character..."  Out of curiosity, I looked for a "do it yourself" replacement screen online and look what I found at Buy.com...

 

Blackberry Curve 8330, 8350, 8350i Replacement LCD Lens Screen Repair Glass OEM - LSBB8330

List Price: $5.49

Price: $1.74

Shipping: $2.98

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Total Price: $4.72

 

Despite the absurd shipping costs, you see now why I had to share?

Good Day

I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom. ~ Author Unknown

Disclaimer: Although my work burdens seem insurmountable at the moment, in a concentrated effort to get out some fresh brew today, I rushed out this special "thank you" blog within moments so there may be several errors within as the equally burdened Editor-In-Chief won't be proofing until later tonight. I consider getting this blog out to be nothing less than a triumph of the human spirit and another special thanks to O.J. for rounding up a few photos for me.

After failing to convince a group of lesbians that he was gay so it was ok to pee in front of him; OJ played cuddle-cakes with this Michael Jackson impersonator.

First of all I need to thank all the folks who took time out of their busy schedule to accompany me to Pride and and for supporting me as I continued my ongoing battle for gay marriage rights. At least that's how I'd like to remember it. In actuality, that demon liquor took hold and I squandered the chance to stomp for gay rights as I focused on educating in the following arenas:

• Projectile Vomiting With the Utmost of Discretion.
• Dancing Badly While Black.

Oh well. I guess I needed to blow off some steam. Marja, who was busily and simultaneously educating in the field of Dancing Badly While White, said it best, "That dancing was just what I needed."  Amen. Sadly, what few pics I took this year at Pride were botched due to user error and misplaced sobriety.

Big thanks to (from l-r) Marja, Outdoorsy-Jarrod, Bobbi Beach, Lex, Bobble (who actually made it through Pride uninjured! Well...unless you count the insult of Marja implying that her breasts weren't real), Bobble's Baked Brother, and D3..who keeps adding dates to his,  "I'm not nearly as annoying as I used to be" redemption tour.

You are now entering thanks for the FOOD (PORN) section of this blog

Big thanks to Party-Dan (OJ calls him that, I don't know why) and Heather for inviting me over for  braised short ribs with homemade sauce, coleslaw and Heather's legendary potato salad (it has bacon in it). I confess, despite Heather's assurances that they were great cooks, I wasn't expecting much from the dinner...

Because they just don't LOOK like they can cook. You can't always judge a book by its cover as the meat from the ribs just fell off the bone.

Although...here's a photo of the dish, taken by Heather and posted to Facebook, when Party Dan prepared it for just the two of them! The added attention to detail is almost insulting.

But I got over it....

As an added plus, Homemade Sushi was served as appetizer (!!!).

I was almost done with my fish before I remembered to take a photo!

And last but not least, special thanks to Lex's F.W.B., Bobbi Beach, who rebounded nicely after her tragic shrimp/Cajun rice dish with this wonderfully spiced fish dinner that she served during last week's spicy episode of True Blood. The couscous was cooked perfectly and seasoned wonderfully and the salad contained strawberries and fun, sugary walnuts.  I told Bobbi, "I was nervous when Lex said you were bringing dinner after that last over-cooked rice catastrophe but that dinner was truly amazing" Bobbi said, "Yes, I screwed the rice up. But you raved about the food I cooked for you before that dinner!" It was then that Bobbi Beach learned a brutal truth and a tough but important life lesson when I told her, "That's true dear. But you're only as good as your last meal...."

The flop Shrimp/Cajun rice dish. While the shrimp was plump and plentiful, the rice was perilously over-cooked and mushy as all get out.

Good Day.

Blogger Busted by Busted Neighbor

I was perched upon the throne yesterday, still recovering from Pride, when I heard my busted neighbor Gabe knock firmly on the door and yell, "I need to talk to you!" When I opened the door I noticed he looked angry. He told me, "I was at Lamplighter last night and I was talking to some guy and when I told him where I lived he asked if I knew you and THEN he told me 'Holy Sh*t! You're the neighbor' and then he told me I should really look into reading your blog and gave me your web-address. I went through all your archives and I can't believe you would say those things about me after I've been so nice to you and given you so many bottles of wine. I was really angry. It took every bit of the training I got from my court-appointed anger management courses to not come kick the sh*t out of you."

 My head was spinning. There was so much for me to process

1.  Lamplighter is gross. I wish he'd found out about my trash talk at a more upscale, refined environment more suitable for a reader of TWL.
2. Gabe has given me lots of good wine. I mourned the certain end of his generosity.
3.  I couldn't remember if I'd said anything THAT bad! I don't usually re-read my old blogs because I always find spelling and grammatical errors that the Editor-In-Chief should have caught and I get mad at him.

I'm so happy I couldn't remember at the time because I would have started crying. I hate to think of hurting anyone's feelings and after re-reading some of the past blogs my feelings were hurt FOR him! Here are just a few of the snippets:

It hurts my feelings too much just to look at him. He is so ugly he makes Shrek look hot (My quote from Lex's blog here)

He's ugly, his truck is ugly, his grill is ugly, and his outdoor set-up is ugly. I kid you not...even his CANDLES are ugly!!! He looks like he should be ringing a tower in a bell somewhere, not living next to me. If I even so much as get a glance of him out of the corner of my eye, I have to go stare at Emo for a couple of minutes to balance things out. (From this blog here)

And this one, from the same blog, that Gabe confessed hurt him the most:
If I see him outside I sprint for safety before he spots me and tries to talk my ear off with that fat mouth!

 

I told Gabe, "Don't be hurt boo! I didn't know you would EVER find my blog until it went global. Remember when I tried to warn you that I vented about you online and tried to give the web address? You told me you didn't even own a computer!" Perv had arrived (turns out Gabe summoned him for "back-up" to confront me), and he told Gabe, "Don't take it so personal. Do you see how N.H.F. uses me as a punching bag? He literally runs me over with a truck and then backs it up to run me over again. It's all in good fun." (Gabe said, "Thanks for backing me up there Perv!"). Gabe went on, "Fine. I guess I'm ok with it but I want a nick-name like Perv and Lex." I agreed to that and I'm still working on it. Then Gabe said, "In all seriousness, do I have a fat mouth?" I said, "Yes." So Gabe yelled out to our angry neighbor that was passing by, "T says I have a fat mouth? Do I?" The angry neighbor simply said, "Yes you do!" and kept walking. (Owned). Then Gabe asked his final question, "Do you really think I'm THAT ugly?" I told him, "I'm sure I exaggerated and played it up a bit for entertainment value but why should it matter? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think I'm pretty but others blind people have told me I'm not. Don't let it get you down."

And with that, all was good in the world. Later when I told Lex that I'd hurt Gabe's feelings, he just burst out laughing. Then when I shared with N.H.F. that my neighbor got his feelings hurt and had to use his court-appointed anger management skills to keep from roughing me up, he said: "How dramatic! Who would kick your ass anyway? It's akin to punching a woman. He is thrilled deep down inside [for the attention] and you didn't tell him anything he didn't know."

Perhaps some sensitivity training is needed around these parts.

Things to Do Over the Weekend...

SD Pride Parade...of course. Let's see if Bobble gets through this one without injury as the last two years have been rough on her. I threw her over a fence two years ago, as we tried to escape paying fees into the festival, and her malnourished, brittle bones shattered on impact when she landed. Last year, Brad the Cad asked her to hold his skateboard and she dropped it on her foot. She screamed bloody murder and blamed Brad the Cad. She calmed down after the dot of blood from her injury dried up, and we launched into a round of "Hold My Baby" as I handed her off to a thick lesbian.

Stalk Your Grandparents on Facebook: This risks finding out that your widowed Grandmother has dumped her latest boyfriend and is back on the market, single and ready to mingle, as one of our regulars was uncomfortable to discover.

Go Cat Crazy:  As a person allergic to the little beasts, it alarms me that folks seem to have gone cat crazy. Lex was chasing around an orange stray kitten (he even sat some bizarre tuna concoction out on the front porch to feed the flea-bitten feline) and he briefly entertained keeping it as a house pet. Luckily, he was unable to catch the kitty for two days and then he was over it. Now, Mik and his Blow Up Doll just sent photos of his two new kitties. Mik said, "The grey kitty  is like Blow-Up and my mom - he does not photograph well- but in reality, he is super cute."  What I liked about the kitty pics were the glimpses into the 3bed/3bath home they just bought in Vegas. It looks "super cute" too and I can't wait to see it. Despite the kitties.

Find the kitty

You can see in his smirk he knows the deal. And she's right, he is hot!

Try to be slick, while taking a stalker pic: Twin instant messaged me and said, "I'm at the DMV. It is a human social experiment. Although, there is a French guy next to me that I KNOW you would think was hot. Hold on. I'm going to get a pic." A bit of time passed before she wrote back, "OMIGOD. I totally got busted. The click was so loud he looked over and said, 'What the...' He totally knows what I did. It's okay, he's chatting it up with me now he must have been flattered."  Later on that same day, I tried the same thing on the tennis courts...

...when I saw Segei (Pronounced Ser-gay) the shirtless Russian. Going shirtless on the tennis courts is considered inappropriate and gauche, but in Sergei's case it should be encouraged. I was too big of a chicken to get any closer, I would have DIED if he heard the click, so this was all I got.

 
Good Weekend!

Idiots with Zoe Saldana & Kate Bosworth from Zoe Saldana

Big Chris Loses Sh*t For Inception

Big Chris caught the Midnight showing of Inception last night at the IMAX screen in Irvine (And somehow he made it to work by 7AM*). His review was spoiler-free and quite brief:

"10 out 10. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that movie."

Lofty praise. And I'll be the judge of that.



*A midnight showing means that 2hr and 30min movie got out at close to three in the morning. Then he still had to drive back from Irvine! At best he's on 2 hours of sleep.  I bet he's in serious need of the product he offered to buy for me, so I could sleep at my desk, if  I went along with him and the absurdly hefty Bigger Chris (have mercy, I would need to see evidence that the shocks on his auto had been inspected recently because that car would have been stressed). That product:

Good Day

Sweet Christmas!

I see in the top right hand corner that there's another True Blood feature in this week's Entertainment Weekly!

I'm terribly excited about it. On a side note, Angelina Jolie will be at Comic-con next weekend.

Creep by Scala

When I heard there would be a film made about the creation of Facebook, I thought, "booooooooring!" but this trailer for the movie, The Social Network, not only makes me actually want to see the it (in the comfort of home only, not at cinema prices) but it makes me want to research the actual behind the scenes shenanigans of the Facebook founders. Curiously, the appearance of peanut-headed irritant, Justin Timberlake, didn't anger me as much as it would have in the past. I think its because I was still on a "The new Spiderman is chugging off a 1.75 of Jack!" and a "Oh, look there's Rashida Jones! Love her!" high.

Marja Pops By With Texts From the Ex

I'm not much of an "Arts & Entertainment" correspondent this month because I've been stuck in my office between 12 to 14 hours every day, and my days go a little something like this: Wake up, drink coffee, work, go home, take Tylenol PM, sleep 5 hours, rinse, and repeat.

The only source of entertainment I've had lately is the never-ending hilarity that is one of my good friend's current trials with her crazy-ass ex-husband. My friend, we'll call her "Carmela" (due to her slightly shady Italian in-laws), is harassed on a daily basis by her ex husband in the form of "Exting".

We've all had to deal with "exting" at one point or another. Exting is when your ex refuses to give up the ghost and continues to send you text after text of begging pleas to get back together, announcements of undying adoration, threats to the well being of your new beau, or (in the case of Carmela) detailed exploits of their newly single love life. Carmela's ex (we'll call him "Tony"), is a short, graying Italian man in his 40's with more multiple personalities than a Mariah Carey meltdown. He has been absolutely unrelenting with his exting to Carmela and it's so ridiculously over-the-top that it would be cruel of me not to share. His texts are of the rated R variety, and his ego-fluffing insanity is soo coo-koo that the EIC has lifted the temporary moratorium on "I can't make this s**t up!"

Carmella was a right proper Italian housewife, complete with nosy mother-in-law, heavy make-up, Dior sunglasses, and a "legitimate" Italian business.

My only hope is that Carmela's ex will stay on the crazy train long enough to give me more gems like the ones below, as a weekly column of "Texts From the Ex" seems imminent.

 Tony: can ur man do what I can? 3 diff women in 4 nights. 1^st 22yrold climxed 3x to my 1x. 2^nd nvr climxed b4 3x w/me. 3^rd hadn't climaxed in 10yrs. She did 11x to my 2x :)
And just for good measure, Tony forwards Carmela a text from his latest conquest.

 Tony: FWD: Can u say sore!!! :) It's a good sore!! But I do look like I just got off a horse!! Lol!!! Have a great day!! See u later!!!

And the next day ….
Tony: all 3 have called to reserve more stallion rides in the last 24 hours … one even from Spain! 4^th (25 yr old Dutch med student residing in SD) should be calling today.
Tony: Another satisfied customer!! FWD: Good morning! Have a wonderful day!!!&thx again for last night. Really sore can barely sit!!!Lol!! But oh soooo good sore!!! :) ciao honey!


When Carmela politely asked him for child support…

 Tony: 1^st u hv so mny frnds tell u what the law is on bills, custody, food, etc. How about u ask thm 2 translate "a que rico!" as this is what Erika yells out@climax!

And most recently…

 Tony: "this is one of the infamous tamale makers. The fuse has been lit. I hope you have a nice life. My will and other pictures can be found on you email when you decide to stroll into work. U left me no choice. My fate has been decided by u … I will just play the part now.

Whatever "fate has been decided", I sincerely hope it includes more of these fun fun fun texts! Because just like that Intervention marathon I watched on Sunday, nothing will make you feel better about your own life than seeing how totally fu*ked up the rest of the world is.

And no ladies, don’t even bother asking as I will NOT give out "Tony's" phone number…