Self-Absorbed Columnist Debuts!

Twin In: Trying To Be Cute

It would be a lie if I were to write this blog and have it have nothing to do with me. Cause lets face it, I must let the reputation proceed me, I’m self absorbed and a bit attention hungry…..ok, ok, not a bit…. a lot attention hungry. The problem with these two qualities is one day when your “trying to be cute” you find yourself falling face first on a red carpet in front of a packed audience with a skinned knee and a sprained ankle.

What does “trying to be cute” mean? This “trying to be cute,” is when you want to give those watching something to watch and then you royally fail. It’s like bringing out the inner Diva, Baller, Pimp, Badass you have and then killing them. Like if you’re trying to impress some guy by switching your hips when you walk by him while you got toilet paper hanging out your pants. You were trying to be cute. Or if you are going for the gold medal in figure skating and then get hit in the knee with a lead pipe leaving you horse faced and screaming WHYYYYY????? well….you were trying to be cute!

Nobody shows “trying to be cute” better than celebrity performers. And boy can I relate! Look at me! Watch me dance! Love me! Hate me! I don’t care just LOOK AT ME!


Oh Janet, your little publicity stunt with the nipple ring. While Justin’s album went double platinum your emerging Damita Joe didn’t even make the top 40. You got owned! Maybe if Justin had just shown the tip……Janet you were TRYING TO BE CUTE!


I love me some JLO, I actually had an obsession with her from my senior year in high school till mid college (more like a year ago) I even tried to dye my hair like her, wear clothes like her, dance like her, I digress I must remember, this is not about me….J Lo at the Grammy’s begins giving her spicy performance with shirtless greased up guys and smokin’ choreography where she gets to climb these guys backs like a stair case while writhing in latex. It could have been brilliant until she eats shit and lands plum on her fat-ass scrambling to get up. She told the media “that was part of the choreography,” but we all know Miss Jenny from the block you were TRYING TO BE CUTE!



This has to be by far the most gnarly ownage ever. Poor Britney, we’ve seen her extensions grown out of her head, we’ve seen her fake eyelashes falling off on national tv, we’ve even seen her labia as she gets out of cars. But seeing her tampon string flap around as she’s performing onstage really takes the cake. Nothing is less sexy than seeing the one thing separating you from a woman and her menstruation. (watch video here) My dear Britney I’ve loved you since your days of fake virginal virtue but lets face it… you were TRYING TO BE CUTE!


So as I limp around bruised up, busted, and dejected, I must say it’s comforting to know that I have something in common with three of my favorite celebrity attention whores (besides being attention whores). It’s definitely not there talent, looks or money but rather we’ve all been victim to the harsh lessons of TRYING TO BE CUTE!

Marja's Things to Do Over the Weekend

Things To Do This Weekend If You Are a Woman or Homosexual

Debate Women’s Figure Skating Fashion

While the world has put their support (rightfully so) behind Canada’s Joannie Rochette – whose mother died in Vancouver a mere 72 hours before she hit the ice – no amount of tragedy or heart-string pulling sentimentality can get me on board with her hideous costume styling. Looking like a linebacker in Tuesday’s short program, last night’s Aladdin-inspired hot mess upped the ante for frightful frocks and gave her the gold in U-G-L-Y.




The gold standard was clearly South Korea’s Kim-Yu Na, who not only took home the top prize, but also dazzled in a bejeweled 60’s mod mini (complete with hip black nail polish) in Tuesday’s short program.



I’ll decline from bashing super-twink and notorious douche bag Johnny Weir’s male corset, but mention that if you really want to see some show stopping, incredulous, WTF??!! costuming moments, check out the worst of the worst here.


My Oprah! Is there anything as wonderfully tacky as this Jean Grey meets Xanadu ensemble? Tragically awesome!

Watch The Blind Side


I hate Sandy Bullock. I hate inspirational dramas. I especially hate rich entitled white folk who run around “saving” impoverished black children for no other reason than to give their private Christian school a new linebacker. However, it’s Oscar nominated and the Variety review dismisses the notion it’s just a simple white-liberal fantasy, so I’ll give Miss Bullock and cast the benefit of the doubt and double feature it with the bring-you-back-to-reality Hurt Locker.


Get Your Learn On, Yo!


It’s your last weekend to catch the Charles Darwin exhibit “EvolutionRevolution” at San Diego’s Natural History Museum in Balboa Park. Not for tools or conservatives, check out the manuscripts, artwork, and personal objects of the man who coined the theory of intrasexual selection. Sadly, no one could have predicted the outcome of this sexual competition would produce orange-skinned gelled-to-oblivion guidos vying for the affections of Bump-It coifed sausage-stuffed whores on the Jersey Shore.

Listen to Gossip


Lady who? The real queen of alt pop is Gossip’s Beth Ditto, and on the trio’s Rick Rubin produced “Music for Men” Ditto gives us a post-punk rock dance tour through NYC’s underground music scene. Hitting on all elements – rock, pop, punk, soul, dance, gospel – Gossip is equally at home at Urban Mo’s as it is at The Casbah. I absolutely dare you to not purse your lips and do a little funk-shoulder shrug with finger waggin' sass while listening to “Dimestore Diamond”. Not music for men who like women, Gossip is a hipster drag queen’s dream and Ditto’s “I don’t give a f**k” stage presence is anti-Beyonce perfection. Watch their acid-trip retro glam-tastic video for female-empowerment anthem “Love Long Distance” below.



Wear Sunblock for F**ks Sake!

Why does every other country in the world consider pale skin a sign of affluence and wealth, while us Americans worship the bronze god of fake and bake? Since when did “field worker skin” equal hawtness? I don’t care if your ass is lily white or a nice mapley syrup golden brown … protect your skin or end up like me, Frankengirl! Yesterday, I had my second surgery in 16 months and trust me, there is nothing less sexy than a big ole’ scar across your cheek from where they removed a tiny tumor.

Happy weekend!

We All Need to Vent Sometimes

Stacy, the notorious gold-digger from Monterrey, sent me a link to the spiteful workrant.com. Described as thus, Stressed at work? Thinking 'I hate my job', 'I hate my boss' or 'I hate my co-workers'? You need a Workrant! Rant away all your work rage - anonymously - and ease the frustration, and people are certainly taking them up on that offer. The foul language and rampant vulgarity would lead one to think that there are a lot of sailors and field-hands that are disgruntled with their occupation. Here is a sampling from one hateful rant towards a co-worker: Keep being a jelouse, ugly, fake and lonely c*nt! You are battling depression and you crye all by yourself in your sick withering body, alone with your poor cat who is stuck with you until the bloody end - no wonder the other cat ran out!

I didn't want to burst out laughing, but I couldn't help myself.

While you are over there writing something mean-spirited, please make sure to check out the side-bars for further spewing of ill-will like this here:

For Christmas I would most like to get my boss...
...fired - 27%
...a one-way ticket to Afghanistan - 24%
...an arsenic-laced mince pie - 18%
...killed in a space-hopper accident - 17%
...a set of balls - 13%

Hipster Humor for The Passive Aggressive

Important Things with Demetri Martin	Thursday, 10:00pm / 9:00c
Games - Passive Aggressive Race
http://www.comedycentral.com/
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

or watch beginning of clip here.

I think the only people watching Comedy Central's Important Things With Demetri Martin are me and a few hipsters. I like his smug, observational humor while the hipsters are drawn to his surreal (described on his web-site as a stream-of-consciousness sketch and variety show), dry, Wes Anderson for the stand-up comedy set, demeanor. Anyway, the Passive Aggressive Race skit above features "The world's most passive-aggressive athletes showing off their non-confrontational one-upmanship techniques." I just discovered this show so save your, "That video is old!" crap for someone who cares. I'm posting it here for those that may have missed it, especially the passive aggressive people (Hi Marja! Morning Perv!), as a courtesy.

I am here getting a free lunch selflessly championing better flavor for your raggedy ass fish tacos and dry ass burritos at a place I never eat unless its free. I am also letting them know that $2.49 is much too high for one tiny fish taco and $5.99 is highway robbery for a chicken burrito that's mostly rice.

That's all for now.

Public Service Announcement

Run, don't walk, to The Broken Yolk Cafe. Today is the last day of their $3.10 entree, .99 Mimosa anniversary special. Having just returned from lunch at the Carlsbad location with No-Nonsense Laura, Asian Andrew and Full-Time April; I felt it was my civic duty to tell you. I ordered the turkey club sandwich on wheat toast and almost wept openly at the value.

That's all for now.

Caren Risks Sore Back for Breast Cancer

When the Editor-In-Chief inquired if I'd get some blogs out today; I told him that CJ Crash (pictured above with her big boobs in their resting postion) asked me to give her a plug for her upcoming 60 mile walk (!!!) for curing breast cancer. The Editor quipped, "Make that blog funny. She's got some huge breasts, so ripe for satire with breast cancer awareness!"

Sadly, time constraints and writers block prevented me from doing so but please head over to CJ Crash's blog here, and donate to this worthy cause. She's at only 7% of her end goal of $3,000 so she's desperate enough to ask even the greedy and the self-absorbed. In other words, YOU!

Good Day

The Bittermans Bounce!

It's official. Mik Bitterman and his Blow-Up Doll are moving to Vegas within the next thirty days. I am understandably distraught. Not only is my best friend moving, but even much worse, Blow-Up is a reliable food source. That is almost too much to take. Furthermore, the Bittermans don't suffer me because I'm an insufferable, over-opinionated pain in the ass, they actually like me because I am an insufferable, over-opinionated pain in the ass. That's not easy to come by. I hope I don't have writers block relapse due to all this upset.

Oh well. Let me stop "pulling a Twin" and making this all about me. Let's wish the Bittermans good luck in Vegas.

"choke"

Letter From The Editor: Excrement Edition

As the fight for equal rights in this country continues, or as I like to call it, our attempt to step out of the antiquated and ill informed ideologies of yesteryear, we're getting even more outlandish content from so called "leaders" in our country. This begs the questions, is someone really a leader if they are moving backwards (think about it).

The latest comes out of New Hampshire where state representative (I'll let you guess her political affiliation) Nancy Elliot makes her case against marriage equality.


or watch on YouTube here

“You know,” she said, “I started thinking, and we’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it into the rectum of another man, and wiggling it around in excrement. And I have to think, I’m not sure, would I allow that to be done to me? All of us, that could happen to you. Would you let that happen to you?”

I've never been to New Hampshire, but I am reasonably sure that there are at least a few million people who would answer her question "Would you let that happen to you?” with a resounding "Yes." Even if not a single person in New Hampshire enjoyed wiggling their penis in excrement, is that still a valid reason to prevent two people from commiting their lives to each other? Did she realize that homosexual women don't even have a penis to wiggle around in excrement? Does Nancy Elliott believe that denying rights to homosexuals will prevent penises from being inserted into rectums?

I have to wonder, does Nancy Elliot have any qualms about wiggling penises in vaginal discharge? When was the last time she saw a penis? Does she realize that anal sex isn't exclusive to homosexual men? Has she ever been boned doggy style?

She went on to make some outlandish claims about 5th grade education in her State which she later apologized for and admitted were incorrect, she didn't, however, apologize for her gross (no pun intended) mischaracterization of gay marriage and anal sex.

The silver lining in this all is that yesterday the vote came down in New Hamshire and marriage equality was upheld and Nancy Elliot's bill to repeat same sex marriage went down in flames.

Hipster Heinie

I was initially confused, and felt slightly competitive, when I heard American Apparel was having a search for the Best Bottom in the World contest. After visiting the web-site, that initial confusion was cleared up as I happily discovered it was a contest to exploit fresh, tight and shapely hipster buttocks. I am so on board with this and plan on voting as often and as enthusiastically as I can. There's a whole lotta "BAM!" and "POP!" going on over there so I suggest you throw in your two cents and go rank some amateur ass. If you are a hipster with a comely tush, you have until Feb. 21st to submit your own junk. The top ten in each category gets $300 worth of American Apparel..which should amount to a few hoodies and a track jacket.

Those interested in Women Hipster Heinie (Lesbians, straight men, bitchy women and queens) look here.





Those interested in Men Hipster Heinie (Women who aren't sexually repressed, gays, self-absorbed straight men who like seeing the competition) look here.

Mock These Moon Dwellers If You Will...

or watch the unbridled Pandoran dorkness on YouTube here!

...but at least these societal outcasts people are doing something about their, "I wish I lived on the inhabitable moon known as Pandora and frolicked about the Hallelujah mountains while stoned beyond reason on unobtanium dust," depression by participating in a live-action role playing game. I'd be right there with them if only I could suffer an ugly man.

Web Redemption

<a href="http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=263329" target="_blank">Tosh.0: Web Redemption - Risky Business</a>

Tosh.0: Web Redemption - Risky Business

In this cheeky video, 2-Girls 1-Cup Reaction, from Comedy Central's splendid Tosh.0, the controversial Daniel Tosh (every bit as much of a smart-alec as The Soup's Joel McHale) helps the "Risky Business" girls (who embarrassed themselves in this viral sensation here) redeem themselves during the Web Redemption portion of the show by recreating all of Tom Cruise's movies.

It made me laugh.

Birth-Mark MAC Lipstick Mix-Up

you can also watch on YouTube here.

In the video above, the mighty Oprah lays her healing hands on Drew Brees and tries to wipe off his birthmark. I just don't think she had enough time.

Heartsick and Handcuffed, Forlorn and Finger-printed, Despondent in Drunk-Tank, Brokenhearted and Booked

My kind but ugly neighbor, Gabby Gabriel the Tow Truck Driver (and what an appropriate name because he LOVES to gab! If I see him outside I sprint for safety before he spots me and tries talk my ear off with that fat mouth), actually had something of interest to say yesterday when he told me that Valentine's Day was an absurdly busy day for him, even busier than New Year's Eve (!!!) because he was towing fools left and right as their vehicles were abandoned after drunk driving arrests. Gabby theorized that Valentine's Day falling on a Sunday was just too much for recently dumped or lovelorn people who most likely started drinking on Friday, to dull the pain and heartache, and didn't stop until Sunday when their handcuffs finally prevented them from reaching for the liquor bottle.



One of the cars he towed belonged to a friend of his(nabbed after his shift concluded at the local, smelly, dive bar called the Lamplighter) who was being placed into the back of a police car by the time Gabby arrived. When Gabby asked his friend what happened, he confessed that he couldn't see well so he was driving poorly. The arresting officer quickly interjected that he couldn't see well because it was dark out and his HEADLIGHTS WERE OFF. What a buffoon. I hope they throw not just the book, but the whole library at him. I'm already annoyed when people start drinking and then commence to wailing and moaning to me about their traumatic love lives (It is impossible for me to empathize because I'm dead inside) but I'm okay with them drinking themselves to death as long as they do it in the privacy of their own home and stay off the roads. I find people that are drunk, dramatic and heartbroken usually have that "I got nothing to lose now!" liquor-fueled bravado that makes them especially dangerous.




Bonus Blogging: Dumb Officer Costanza starring in Too Close for Comfort

When Gabby told me that the City is really pushing for officers to ticket and arrest for DUI's because the city needs the money and it will make the roads safer anyway, I lost my composure and hacked, "Ugh! I'm still bitter about my $215 ticket for running that stop sign down here on that traffic-free, almost country ass road! I drive like a grandma and that fool tried to call it a rolling stop although it was the best stop he'd seen all day!" Gabby asked, "Was it Costanza? He hangs out there waiting to ticket people." My mouth almost dropped to the ground and I screamed, "Yes! It was Officer Costanza! How I hate the man! Did he get you too?" Gabby replied, "No he's a friend of mine. He was over here having a beer last week! He is a little prick though. His nick-name is 'Can't Stand Ya!' like on 'Seinfeld'." I threatened, "Well you better hope I don't see him here or it will be ON and he will regret giving me that ticket!" (Translation: if I see him, I will sass, "Oh, it's you!" then give him a dirty look that consists of narrowed eyes and tightly pursed lips before shuffling inside. For me that's as "ON" as it gets.)

Good Day

Tuesday Time Tea-Hee

If you can't see video above, watch on YouTube here.

Although she bitched about Monday Morning Mirth, I guess she has no problem with Tuesday Time Tea-Hee because Marja sent this video in and clucked, "It reminds me of what a fight between Nemo and D3 might look like, slapping each other around like a couple of women."

The Gentlemanly Golf Outing

The Gentlemanly Golf Outing occurred at Mission Beach on Saturday. How did it go you ask? Well, I really really liked it. I wasn't wild about all that teeing off business or driving from long distances nonsense (exhausting) but the game just takes off for me when we finally reach the nicely kept green area and get to putting because I used to love love love the "Hole In One" pricing game on The Price is Right.


But, as you can see from the clumsy and embarrassing, "Swing and a Miss," video above, it's a good thing I don't take myself too seriously. (if you can't see video above watch on YouTube here)


In this video, N.H.F. tries to make par or in this case, a hole in 3 attempts. (if you can't see video above watch on YouTube here). You can watch me attempt to make par for the second time (that's right, baby made par once vs. OJ's three pars and N.H.F.'s zero) on YouTube here.


My golf glove. There hasn't been such a destined fit since Cinderella tried on that life changing glass slipper.

Special thanks to O.J. for not only providing me with the golf glove that had been waiting for me my whole life (shown above), but for organizing the 18 hole event in a manner most gentlemanly and deftly plotted. He scheduled the golf outing for the evening so we avoided all crowds (the course was almost empty, it was nice), and his forward thinking made sure that tempers stayed even (translation: breaks were taken for boozing and so N.H.F. could "refresh" and snack bars were quickly unveiled after my stomach started to grumble around the 12th hole).

Good Day

Things to Do Over The Weekend

Beat: Writers Block. If you are not a writer, then beat something else.



Have a gentlemanly golf outing. OJ has organized a gentlemanly golf outing for us. According to him, "We have some great weather for golf this weekend with highs in the 70s! The golf index for Saturday is a perfect 10. It will be get a chill at night so I suggest wearing several thin layers, a turtle neck is nice and some thin OJ style Isotoner gloves."

Hopefully I'll look cute.


Have or attend one of those jewelry parties. I accompanied Stavvy to one, where she arrived armed with lots of jewelry to sell, and then watched in horror as the jeweler used a magnet to see how much of it was real. Pieces actually jumped off the table and almost put Krazy-Kim's eye out. Stavvy barked, "My uncle gave me those! Are you sure they are not real!" No dear. She walked away with over a $100 but we stood in awe as one lady (the one I foolishly asked how many months along she was in her pregnancy)sold her class ring and got $100 for that alone! Stavvy is hosting a jewelry party this month in hopes of getting paid (the host gets 10% of the gross, or something like that).


My faux-gold necklace. A piece of Stavvy's that didn't sell that I've adopted as my own.


Channing Tatum's chest is my my favorite performer in all of Hollywood. I'm glad it is getting so much work. Always glistening, it gave a particularly moving and nuanced performance in Dear John, as it showed a bit more range in this film than it did in the action heavy, Fighting and GI Joe, despite having less screen time.

Right Wing Woman? See Dear John. I got talked into seeing the tear-jerker, Dear John, after I was informed that it was by the same author of The Notebook (Yeah I ate The Notebook up. Laugh at me if you will) and that it featured my favorite performer, Channing Tatum's chest. Well, this movie was boooooooring to me as it spent a lot of time on father and son relationships (Confused by scenes of bonding, thanks to my dead-beat dad, I issued a: Can't relate alert!) and plays like some conservative, right-wing movie about honoring your responsibilities in times of war. It successfully manipulated many women into the audience into blubbering (I suspect most of them were Republicans) and I shed buckets of tears after Channing Tatum doffed his shirt because I knew I was at least an hour and a half away from any form of masturbatory relief. I shed an additional tear or two for his burnt penis and prayed the damage was not permanent.


Props to spunky and pop-eyed Amanda Seyfried for not disappearing from the screen altogether with such a charismatic co-star.


Blow-Up, Twin and Bobble. Skinny-fat girls in a row. If forced to switch teams and pick one, I'd go with Bobble because she does not have a metallic nose piercing and thus would be less vulnerable in a fight if Magneto, the evil Master of Magnetism and arch-enemy of the X-men, showed up intent on wreaking havoc.

Locate a skinny-fat girl: Have her make you a sandwich. Bend her over. Give her ironing to complete. Lift skirt while she is happily ironing for quickie. Have her make you dinner. Repeat.


Well, that's the END of it!

Good Day

Weekly Columnist Turns Bi! Drops Bonus Valentines Day Edition!

Top 5 Gifts NOT to Get a Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day


5. Stuffed Animals – I’ve never ever once thought to myself, “Gee, what I really need is an ugly stuffed rabbit holding a pink heart to sit around my room collecting dust. I sure wish I had one of those!” A teddy bear will never, ever, get you laid.


4. Drug Store Chocolates – Nothing says “I love you baby”, like the 5 minutes of effort it took you to go into CVS on your way home from work to pick up batteries for your PS3 controller and a $4.99 box of gross Whitman’s Chocolates. If we put that much effort into a blowjob, there would never be a happy ending.


3. Jewelry – This may be a controversial subject among the ladies, but fellas … If you don’t know exactly what to buy your woman - i.e.: she has circled it in a catalog, dropped hints about it for weeks, or had her mom call you and tell you what she wants - never every buy your girlfriend jewelry. More kisses begin with cocktails, than with Kay’s.


2. A Vibrator – This gift is for you boys, and you know it. If we want one, we already own one. The only thing a gift vibrator says to us is, “Here honey, this is for you while I’m busy watching Sports Center”

1. Nothing – Dead man walking. Nuff’ Said.



*Bonus Blogging* Top 5 Gifts to Get a Boyfriend for Valentine’s Day

5. Some sorta car or home audio thingy
4. Some kinda technical gadget thingy
3. A get out of jail (ie: dinner at her parents) free card
2. A waterproof laptop keyboard cover (use your imagination)
1. Anal

Snuff Out the Dreaded Office Floater!

Likable Liz (so much more fun and care-free now that she's rid of her adulterous ex, Philandering-Fernando), sent me these pics with the following e-mail, "I came into work this week to find these posters all over the building. I work in an adult place. I would say the average age is at least 39. I don't know if you think they are as funny as I do....and crazy that a publicly traded company spent money on these things."


Well...the only thing I'm surprised about is that these things have not been defaced and vandalized as quickly as they would have if you brought them into this office. Either that publicly traded company holds its employee's in a grip of fear or, like Likable Liz stated, they are actual, mature adults. Believe you me, there would be additional smart-alec commentary (I simply would not be able to help myself) added to each and every one of those dumb posters, and Perv and No-Nonsense Laura (both of them prone to outbursts of spiteful behavior) would write specific names on them with "hope that hurt your feelings" intent. I'm actually a little jealous that we don't have them.


Mr. Big Mouth should have been Ms. Big Mouth as it describes most of my fat-mouthed girlfriends.


Yes, that really says, "Don't Be All Up In Their Business". We have this woman here. We call her "Penny" because she always tries to put her two cents into every conversation and its not worth that. Not surprisingly, no one likes her. Not even yoga-lovin', positive-energy pushing, holistic and meditative Full-Time April. Let that be a word of caution to all you busy-bodies out there.


CHECK AND FLUSH AGAIN IF NECESSARY!!! I....

Good Day

Columnist's Campaign Of Hate Continues

Top 5 Reasons Tea With Lemon Sucks Lately



6. (Runner – up) Food Porn – I can just imagine what Tea is thinking as he sits down to lunch each day or dinner at Twin’s, “Oh Boy! Two weeks worth of blogging!” Make it stop already.


5. Worse than the Emmys – The “Wedgies” this year was completely underwhelming. Usually I wait with baited breath for Tea’s “best of…” yearly recap. Categories such as “Biggest Tramp ”, “Best Skinny-fat Girl ,” “Most Annoying Female,” and “Beat to Death ” are just ripe for ridicule. Sadly, we got nothing but a moldy lemon this 2010.

4. Video Clips – A pilfered video clip off of Hulu or The Huffington Post a blog does not make. This video here circled Facebook for about 48 hours before it made the rounds at TWL, and this clip here was as stale as Dharma ranch dressing by the time Tea posted it. I’m not sure which is worse, his “Monday Morning Mirth” series, or the moment you realize its Monday.


3. Bland Comments Section – the E.I.C has been M.I.A and no N.H.F = B.C.S.! Thank god we still have O.J. to stir up a little controversy with his Glen Beck-isms. But without a resident blog villain, who’s going to make subtle homo-phobic comments, coin the term “stretching”, hit on girls with “Juicy” on their butts, and tell emotionally unstable women that they need to get laid?

2. Boring Guest Columnists – Beef Jon wher iz ur techy column?!? On even my best days, I’m not half as witty or succinct as the lovely Miss T. As I’ve lamented previously, being a guest columnist on TWL is a difficult job. If it wasn’t for Kara, I don’t think I’d have a single fan at all. The problem is, my guest columns on Tea with Lemon lack diversity because Miss T and I like all of the same things …. bad reality TV, a huge plate of food, and a stiff cock. Er…cocktail.

And speaking of…


1. Writer’s Cock Block – Ever since Miss T played “just the tip” on his trip home for the holidays, his mind has been muddied with thoughts of getting bent over a hulking, charmingly rakish top’s granite kitchen countertop (well, at least in my imagination that’s how it went down). Either way, cock has blocked all of his creative juices from flowing onto the keyboard. It’s the anti-muse. Thankfully, T-Relly has returned to sunny San Diego, where the scene favors bleached-blond twinks and the tops top out at 5'10”. Here’s to keeping our fingers crossed he continues his decades long dry spell.