Wedge for Best in Film: Writers Block Edition

Disclaimer: Yesterday, the Editor in Chief asked if my continued crying of "writers block" was just an excuse. He should be grateful we weren't face to face at the time because he would have left the room with hurt feelings from getting cussed out and a fat lip. Still, I've got to finish handing out Wedgies today, so here is Best in Film 2009: Writers Block Edition. I'll only say a sentence or two about each film and move on. This sucks because I have an insane love of cinema and could yammer on all day about each of these films. That would be boring, so maybe this writers block thing isn't all bad.


5. Star Trek

Great cast (particularly charismatic Chris Pine as a steel balled Captain Kirk) led to big fun. I touched briefly on it here, and anxiously await the sequel.


4. District 9

Science fiction and bigotry mixed with a lot of heart. I was putty in its low-budget hands. Read my original review here.


Even when planning mass, whole-sale slaughter, one should still take a moment to look their best.

3. Inglourious Basterds

This movie contained my single favorite scene of the year. No, not that intense opening scene or the suspenseful "wait for the cream" lunch conversation featuring mean Nazi Colonel Hans Landa (the creepy Christoph Waltz, easily given The Wedgie for best male performance 2009). No, not even that truly spectacular burning cinema climax. It was that breathtaking moment when the luminous Mélanie Laurent (perfect as vengeance driven, Shosanna Dreyfus), slipped into that skin tight yet tasteful, square necked, fire red dress, applied a matte red lipstick, pulled down her facial veil and then sashayed out onto the top of the stairs to peer down at the clueless film-goers who will become the key ingredient in her recipe for Nazi flambé. I still get goose-bumps just thinking about it.


2. Up

I was so blindsided by this uplifting and life-affirming movie that I carried on in an embarrassing bout of lost composure at its beginning and end. Shockingly melancholy yet sweet, absolutely nothing made me laugh harder (Three words: Old Man Fight) or cry more than this instant classic. Added points for the suspense of having a geriatric hero. I sat on edge the entire film, worried he'd drop dead from the stress of the some of those stunts he was pulling off.



Perhaps my writers block is due to my longing for the floating islands of Pandora?

1. Avatar

Movie magic so wondrous and intoxicating that withdrawal symptoms may include bouts of depression. I previously gushed about it here.

Honorable Mention: The timely and relevant Up in the Air with George Clooney just missed the list at #6. And although I thought the film Precious was flawed; Mo'nique's performance, filled with fury, hairy armpits and acne, was not.

Worst In Film: The waft of funk that was Wolverine (which I verbally roughed up here) and the putrid blast of gas that was 2012.

Weekly Columnist Gags on Generation P

Generation P

For Christmas this year, both of my children asked for an iPod Touch. I asked my son, who is an admitted non-music fan, why he would want an iPod Touch for Christmas and he said, “It’s the apps mom. Apps are awesome!!” So come Christmas morning, both kids unwrapped a shiny new 32GB iPod and haven’t been able to put it down since. If they’re not watching a movie or TV on that thing, they are playing games, surfing the Internet, or watching questionable content on YouTube.

Speaking of addicts, NHF is the proud new owner of an iPod Touch and is so enamored by his new toy that he screen tapped his way entirely through dinner last night and well into dessert. In typical tool fashion, he barked at me “Dude, check this out! You can download adult apps on this thing! 1001 Sex Positions, Extreme Cam Girls, Boobs in Hand Bras, and (his personal favorite) Biggest Boobs!” With just one tap on the install button, and one tap on the “Yes, I am 18” button; we were suddenly viewing hundreds of pictures of women with boobs that I thought looked extremely uncomfortable.

This got me to thinking about the ramifications of a society where we are so tapped into the information highway that pornography has become as accessible as e-mail. How will Generation Porn leave its mark on the cultural and social landscape?



I often find myself giving the old “When I was your age I walked 20 miles to school in the snow” speech to my children. However, now it goes more like this, “When I was your age, if we wanted to find out what year Benjamin Franklin died, we had to go to the library, check the dewey decimal system, and look it up in a book”! Never has there been an age where information is so accessible and porn is so portable. Gone are the days of living in fear that your mom would find a sticky Playboy magazine under your bed. Why would you need to steal your dad’s Penthouse when “Sorority Girl Gang Bang” is only a few clicks away? See that kid on the plane watching his iPod? He just downloaded “When Harry Ate Sally” and is whacking off under his blanket! (It’s not illegal, just frowned upon – Alan Garner)

So what will become of Generation P? Will this information overload lead to a more sexually open society a la our European counterparts? Will America finally overcome its Puritan hang-ups? Or are we breeding a generation of oversexed adolescents that will lead to promiscuity and increased teenage pregnancy? And where the hell is Tipper Gore when we need her?

The simple facts are, the Tipper Gore’s of the world are too disconnected and “unplugged” from today’s generation that to even know what’s happening on those sticky iPhones. While they fret in church over who can and can’t get married, barely legal boy bands are singing about “Birthday Sex” and guidos bang whores on Jersey Shore. The simple reality is, today’s kids have access to more porn at their fingertips than the Barnett Ave Adult Superstore. A Doc Johnson iVibe Rabbit Vibrator can be wrapped discretely and delivered on your doorstep via Fed Ex two-business day express. It sure beats perusing the aisles at F Street as dirty old men check out your ass and leer at you hungrily.



Porn is no longer in the jizz-covered back rooms of an adult nickel theatre, it’s right there on your home screen. I personally welcome this age of uninnocence, but caution that it requires a vigilant parental influence. Our generation is responsible in guiding Generation P to find healthy sexual outlets and bring previously uncomfortable topics to the dinner table. It’s all about education and open discussion.

I’m certainly on the iPorn bandwagon and I hope you are too. But, as a courtesy, please refrain from checking the app, “1001 Sexual Positions”, while you are in the actual process of getting bent over, or bending someone over. Whatever the case may be...

Twin Trollops About In Temptress

Twin modeled at a lingerie fashion show at Winstons in Ocean Beach (What a dump. It smelled like stale beer and a dirty wash-cloth. When I walked to the door I had to almost step over a drunk that was bleeding about the face. I was visibly shaken.), so I went to support and exploit her. If I wasn't suffering from writers block, I would try to describe the sheer joy that radiated from the attention-starved Twin, when she was on stage, but I won't even try. All I can tell you is that my photos failed (with the exception of the photo above, taken outside after the show as onlookers wondered, "What the hell?") but the lingerie was nice (designed by someone named Temptress) and the shoes were real cute.



My Camera Fail:



How self absorbed is Twin? I give you Exhibit A: When I told her that my photos did not turn out properly but I would poach some from the photographer that was present, she asked, "Oh someone else was there taking pictures?" I sighed, "Yes, dear. He was right in front of you."







Poached Pics:



That dumb, lazy photographer hasn't uploaded all of his pics yet for me to steal them and exploit the women. I ripped these off Facebook, from a second photographer that didn't know what he was doing, and am still looking for the others.






When this red-head hit the stage, the meat-headed gentleman to my right informed me that he would like to engage in sexual relations with her ("Man, I'd like to f*ck her!" were his actual words). When he asked if Twin was my girlfriend I quickly answered, "Yes, she is!" And then it dawned on me that he meant girlfriend, and so I corrected, "OH! No, she is my friend. Her boyfriend is actually sitting right here!" As I pointed to her dumb boyfriend (He finally won me over dammit! But I will not get attached!), it slowly dawned on the meat-head why I hacked, "those shoes are cute," earlier in the show. This did not stop him from sharing his desires to sexually pleasure whatever woman was onstage at the moment.




This post may be updated later once I find the other pics. Until then...



Good Day

I'm Still Eagerly Awaiting the iBrator

N.H.F. finally rolled up his sleeves and tried to help out around here while I suffer writers block. He sent this video (for those unable to see it above, try here) and excitedly clucked, "Ok Dude! I got something for you today! This is amazing!"

Mmmm-hmmm. Truth be told, I want one but I wasn't impressed. Since we went to the moon back in '69 (mmmm-hmmmm), I thought certainly by 2010 we would be traveling like this:

Which would make fighting crime so much easier.

Or via hovercraft, while looking joyous and gay, like the happy ass Jetsons.



Transportation is obviously behind the curve. This is why people get so excited when Apple drops something like the iPad. Oh, for those not into technology, the iPad is not a technically advanced tampon, but rather Apple's latest over-rated, and rudely priced offering. Hopefully our lazy and useless electronics correspondent will weigh in with his thoughts on all that hullabaloo soon. Until then...

Look ma! A big iPhone!

No, I Don't Want to Push It But Would You Mind If I Just Sat On it for a Spell?

Last night I reflected on the dumb movie, The Box, over dinner with Mik Bitterman and his Blow Up Doll. You know the movie in question is a turkey (well, it could be enjoyed if you were stoned beyond reason), when you begin arguing over why it is so bad! I hacked, "The director had no idea what the hell he was doing!" Mik Bitterman snarked, "It wasn't the directors fault! What could he do with that terrible script!" Normally we would just say, "Well, that was crap!" and move on, but we were bitter because the dumb, The Box ,wasted such a good premise: "What if someone gave you a box containing a button that, if pushed, would bring you a million dollars…but simultaneously take the life of someone you don't know." Furthermore, the movie takes place in 1976. The Editor In Chief informs me that would be FOUR million in 2010 dollars. So although the movie was a turkey, the conversation turned interesting (and a little scary) when we wondered who would or would not push the button! Here's some of our queries:


Blow Up: HA! The second easiest answer. She wouldn't want to kick a puppy for the four million (but she would after receiving assurances that the puppy would be ok)
Mik Bitterman: Cranky as usual, he claimed he would push the button but I rolled my eyes in disbelief as Blow Up chirped, "I'd never let you!"
Me: As Blow Up and Mik Bitterman instantly (and correctly) guessed, I couldn't push the button because the GUILT would consume me and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. I'm a hedonist at heart and I simply must be able to enjoy myself.
Perv: The easiest answer. The palm of his hand would shine beet red from the velocity in which he slammed the button down...even before the person making the offer had finished speaking.
D3: Another unanimous decision as we all agreed that someone out there would be taking a permanent dirt nap thanks to this desperate drunk.
Beefy Jon: "Oh Well!" would be heard both before he turned the box to dust, from smashing the button too hard, and afterwards when told someone was dead.
Stavvy: "Oh Well!" would be heard after she...walked away from the table without pushing the button. She would then be heard complaining that Beefy Jon better not think he's spending his four million on X-box games.
Emo: Blow Up believes he would push the button quickly while I countered that notion and said that in no way would he ever push that button (Why yes I do keep walking into walls thanks to these blinders! Why do you ask?). There is no doubt that his greedy girlfriend, The Poisonous Black Widow, would jump on the table and hop up and down on the button repeatedly trying to get even more money while killing as many people as possible.
Marja: After a whole lotta drama and hand-wringing (including a possible exit and subsequent return to the room) and a "that box is ugly," she would finally play the "I've got kids!" card and someone out there would be dead dead dead.
OJ: An insult to even speculate. He would be aghast that he was even asked to participate in something so nefarious and then speculate that it was a ploy spearheaded by Democratic Senators.
N.H.F.: Sadly, he would spend the rest of his days in a vegetative state after his computer brain ran through "Reasons to Push" and "Reasons Not to Push" calculations and came up with "Danger! Does Not Compute!" Once we smelled smoke, and spotted drool, we'd realize he was beyond Control-Alt-Delete.
Twin: Would squeak, "What do you mean someone would drop dead? Do they know me? Is this about me?" before getting a text, forgetting all about the button, and then trotting off to model lingerie.

Well I'm outta time. I wanted to speculate on even more people (As a person that tolerates very little tom-foolery, what would No-Nonsense Laura do?), but I feel my writers cock coming on.

Good Day.

And So It Goes...

Blast this damnable writer's block! Blast it!

The OJ Show Continues in: Strange, Tranquil Small Town Eschews "The New"

sent me the photo above along with the photo below and asked, "I and asked, "I went to high-school with this girl. Do you think she married her prom date? That is her husband in the second photo. Are they the same guy?"

It took about one second for me to answer, "Yup, it is definitely the same guy." Hopefully that's just a bad picture (brought on by bad posing and a bad angle) because I'd hate to think that 19 years was all it took to weather and beat down that strapping young gent from prom. I asked OJ, "Did you used to date this girl? Why do you ask?" He answered, "Oh my sister wanted to see if I thought it was the same guy and I thought I'd get your expert opinion. You know that my sister is married to the first guy she ever kissed?" Although I kept my comments to a clipped, "So did Barbara Bush," I actually thought "See.. now that's the kind of weird sh*t that happens when you lead an idyllic childhood where you live on a lake next to a ski resort with both parents."**


Unfortunately, age has not brought any photo taking sense to Mr. Prom Date/Husband (sporting a black eye that I'm certain his possibly lesbian wife gave to him) because you never ever, not under any circumstance, pull just your head away from the camera, in an attempt to "lean in" and smile. Never. As I've told you previously (as Tyra Banks told me) you always jut your chin forward to promote length and to magically erase lines and a second chin. Push it right into the lens and make the cameraman move if need be.

*Let's give Outdoorsy-Jarrod some kudos for not letting this blog sink into oblivion since I've been stricken with writer's block. Last week, without even trying, he pulled this blog over the finish line as he was responsible for (or inspired) a whopping FOUR posts, all very entertaining, (It got to the point that it was expected, so I didn't even credit him for this one here). I believe this lit a fire under the lazy Editor-In-Chief who delivered his first ever post (2009's Wedgie for Best commenter) that didn't drone on and bore the hell out of everyone (like this now legendary turd that I'm still getting complaints about). Good Work OJ!

** Yes, OJ grew up in an idyllic, snow-covered Victorian home on a lake next to a ski resort where jet ski rides were frequent and lobster was served regularly. This led NHF to proclaim, "I can't believe you and OJ get along so well since you have absolutely nothing in common." Au contraire mon chowderhead! We do have common ground, although its a bit of a stretch, as I too grew up next to a body of water (a polluted river) where blocks of government cheese were frequent and eviction notices were served regularly. .

Good Day

Editor In Chief Gives Wedgie For Gas Baggin'

The Editor In Chief Presents: Best Commenter for 2009

All teawithlemon.com staff ineligible for this award. All non anonymous commenters are welcome and appreciated here. We'll even take the occasional anonymous if its funny, not some lame personal attack.

We're going to cut to the chase and go with the top three standouts, at least to me, and my reasons why.


#3. First shout out goes to Affluent White Male. His username screams I'm pompous, don't give a fuck, and need to compensate for something. I couldn't make up the things he says if I tried. He represents a very important demographic out there and it scares me when he and I agree on anything. I never remember how T knows the guy, but its obvious why they haven't been in close physical proximity since I've known him.


#2 Serenityville. She's a newcomer to the teawithlemon scene, but she brought her baggage and is here to say. Shamelessly threatening to rip off content on the blog from day one, I was too tempted and ventured over to her corner of the Internet. I was glad I did, I couldn't stop pouring over her blog for days straight as it read like a rejected reality TV show. A grown woman living with parents, showering every other day, and melting down at the drop of a hat. Welcome Serenityville, please come in, make yourself at home, you are quickly the front runner for best commenter of 2010!

#1 Donna DDs. She forgets to use spell-check, and has a huge e-crush on Emo, and is never negative. Rumored to wear shorts that say "juicy" on them when she runs, A native San Diegan that's been transplanted to the East Coast, Donna DD is a "modern" woman (a la Twin and Marja), and I always enjoy her feedback and hope it continues. Donna DD's, i like u to accept award an if u won i can orange for emo-boy to give u good stretch! eeeee!!! Just kidding, this exclusive picture is your real prize.

Amen

Roving Weather Reporter Reports on MB Flood

O.J. in front of The Catamaran. Notice the news 8 trucks with satellite uplinks. OJ called them "dumb" and said "they were already sitting there, waiting for the flood to happen, like vultures."

Roving conservative-leaning yet free-thinking weather reporter, O.J., was on-hand for the Mission Beach floods yesterday since he lives there. Since he has the smarts (and the resources) to equip his home with an electric water pump, his Mission Beach home went undamaged and his future baby momma, 8, was able to cook him a dinner of Pastels (a flaky pastry with ground turkey inside) without disruption, as others swam for their lives.


OJ reports "The dumb bastard in the red Mercedes tried to drive through the floods. He put his windows down to see how deep it was...and then the engine flooded out and his electric windows shorted out. That's when it started pouring rain again."


Here is the taco shop that N.H.F. frequents for dinner! A creature of habit, N.H.F. was clueless as what to do for dinner, since the taco shop was flooded, but luckily 8 fed him too. O.J. said that last night, the waters were a foot and a half higher than what is shown here. He also confessed that, unlike Anderson "beefy biceps" Cooper, no dramatic rescue attempts were attempted or staged.


This has been the OJ flood report.

Uh-Oh...

I've been stricken by a severe case of the dreaded Writer's Block. I am creatively bankrupt.

When it's raining non-stop like this, all I want to do is run outside and throw one hand in the air as I burst into song, "What about me? It isn't fair! I've had enough now I want my share. Can't you see....." in a fashion both ludicrously dramatic and defiant, while a camera swoops around me for a full 360 degree panoramic view. You'll never know where the rain ends and the tears begin on my wind blown and soaked face.

Maybe I shouldn't have started watching Glee?

Hopefully our weekly columnist will pop by soon with her column. The Editor in Chief has a Wedgie to give so hopefully he'll come correct soon. I still have a few Wedgie's to hand out so I'll try to shake this writer's cock off as soon as possible.

Good Day

Water-Logged Weekly Columnist Phones it In

While T-Relly suffers from writer’s cock
block, my brain is completely waterlogged with thoughts of my currently flooded garage, inches deep in lovely East County run off, soaking my long white boxes of first print Teen Titan comic books, vintage original storyboards, and still-in-the-box Robotech Macross exclusives from Comic-Con 2002 (Yes, I’m a nerd. Let’s get past this.)

So when Tea and the EIC laid into me and demanded that I complete my weekly blog duties – I usually frown on being told what to do unless it comes with a bottle of wine and a riding crop – I decided that I had to come up with something quick! So I cleared my mind, silenced that annoying inner voice and waited for something to appear…and…Bam!

LOST!

Yes, when all else fails, follow the example of your own cantankerous blog idol and post a video.

But not just any video, The Onion’s spin on Lost fans gearing up for the February 2nd 9:00 pm premiere is so ridiculously “on point” (why can I not find a substitute for that phrase?) that I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or shed a tear into my DriveShaft logo pint glass. Its just plain true…Lost fans are fanatics! We can’t help ourselves. There isn’t a single demographic more pushy than a Lost fan in converting the non-believers to the Dao of Dharma. Not even a biking Mormon missionary could give a Lost fan a run for their money when indoctrinating a neophyte into the world of bible inspired immortal time-traveling brothers fighting for their birthright.

If you understood any of that sentence above, you will enjoy this video. And if you didn’t, you will really enjoy this video.


Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

But Where The Hell Was ''Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo" ???

As I wrote about here (in a post worth revisiting), I love when movies get called out for having corny dialogue. Pajiba, the web-site that promises Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People, presents the 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time.

I needed this today. I may update with further commentary after I've finished watching.

If you are having trouble viewing above try here.

Conservative Conversation: Heroics or Hijinks?

I'm sure most of you have seen the video where Anderson Cooper rescues the small Haitian boy here (It is just too bloody and upsetting to actually embed on this drivel filled blog). Anyway, as a nerd, I celebrate all heroic acts, so don't think I'm putting this particular act up on a pedestal because it was performed by a swoon-worthy reporter with guns blazing in a snug-fitting black T-shirt.

Anyway, I was instant-messaging with OJ, a "free independent thinker" (his words) with a "strongly conservative leaning" (mine), and after he got done riling me up over the Prickly Martha Coakley/Cosmo hunk Scott Brown election debacle (Senator Kennedy must be rolling over in his grave), I tried to talk about the rescue video because I thought it was something nice. With OJ's permission, here are some "cut-n-paste" snippets from the ill-fated dialogue:


My parade, seconds after OJ arrived to rain on it.

T: Did you see the Anderson Cooper rescue?
OJ: Dragging that young boy that got hit in the head?
T: Yup
OJ: Yeah, taking from a page from book Geraldo Rivera. "Boom mike guy stay close, producer tell me where to drag this person, camera 1 stay close, camera 2 get the wide angle, queue card guy keep up and stay out of the shot, coffee guy don't spill and I want a hot towel ready,...." It's just a big reality tv show. if that shit was real they would have robbed CNN and taken their $50k cameras and satellite uplink truck.
T: YOU AINT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!! I'm over here swooning! I was worried for Anderson!
OJ: Hahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha
hahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha ahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha
Now that IS funny!
T: hmmmph!
OJ: Tell my why people are fighting over a crushed bag of chips and not taking Anderson's Salmon filet and romaine salad?
T: His healthy biceps keeping them at bay?
OJ: CNN really needs some help in the ratings, so I'm not mad at them. When the shit gets even remotely dangerous those guys are the first to run and hide. I saw that for myself in Baghdad.
T: (recognizing) Golly!* First hand account!
OJ: There are hard core reporters, but they don't have live satellite uplinks,they travel alone with one backpack and blend in.
T: Sadly I'm beginning to believe you but I have a hard time digesting that Anderson Cooper would be a part of a deliberate attempt to deceive.
OJ: Well I didn't say it's completely staged, it's reality TV. Like Flava of love
T: still don't
OJ: Well thank you for the smile you put on my face
T: And thank you for taking it off mine


No, not another Twin/barren womb joke. Rather, I still can't believe that OJ thinks the Cooper rescue was as fictitious and staged as the Moon Landing!!

*In actuality, I used profanity here but have replaced with "Golly!" because I'm precious and shouldn't be swearing.

Ethyl and the Dead Rabbit

So...I told you about my drama prone co-worker, Ethyl, here whilst she was embroiled in a sordid tale of infidelity, false identity, and loss of dignity. Well, her divorce finally came through and she left this status update on her Facebook page (Which Perv showed me, via his Blackberry, while we were in the break room. Some say the cackle I emitted was legendary.):

Ethyl: Today...It's final!!! Thank you Lord for delivering me from a NO-Good trifling Man!

It was like a battle-cry for first wives and spurned women everywhere! Well, Ethyl, a modern woman with two offspring (16 and 22) from two different dads (but I'm not judging, this comes into play later) has been shacking up with a nice man from South America the past few months (I met him at the company party and he was a nice, normal and boooooring responsible gent. A far cry from her hellion of a husband who just looked like trouble. Truth be told, the kind of trouble that can PUT IT DOWN and cloud one's judgement.). It seemed everything was going well for Ethyl, on the surface, but then I rushed into her office one day and heard the tail end of her telling a confidante, "Yeah, it's getting hard to hide." I licked my chops at the promise of gossip and launched right in. Here is the word for word convo that took place (As you'll notice, both Ethyl and I believe in candor):



T: Holy sh*t you're preggers! I thought you were just getting fat!
Ethyl: Sigh. Yes. 4 1/2 months. I didn't even know for the first three months.
T: You were almost a candidate for I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!
Ethyl: You don't even know. It was a shock. This is the last thing in the world I wanted! My youngest is almost 18 and gone! I don't have the energy to raise another child!
T: Um...shouldn't your eggs be dried up by now anyway?
Ethyl: You would think so.
T: Well aren't you a fertile Myrtle? Most women in their mid-forties need a little help in getting knocked up. Are you going to get married again?
Ethyl: Well Richard is excited. Its his first. So I guess so.
T: Can I tell everyone?
Ethyl: Could I stop you?



No Ethyl you could not. Not only are you pulling off the very rare Trollop Trifecta (three kids, three different dads), you're doing it at a time when our office really needed this nugget of gossip to help us weather this employee review period. This became very clear after I informed No-Nonsense Laura, who's eyes widened as she exclaimed, "Have you told Perv yet?" As if I would rob her of that joy. I said, "No, you do the honors," and she somehow found the time to tell Perv, and e-mail our ex-co-worker, the gold diggin' Stacey from Monterey, who CC'd me in her reply before I even got back to my desk!

Let's hear it for Ethyl! Congrats on the new baby and bless you for the battle-cry Thank you Lord for delivering me from a NO-Good trifling Man!

Good Day

Self Evaluation: I'm Cute.What More Do You Need?

Our company Self-Evaluation form is yet another obstacle that popped up from nowhere (nowhere meaning I've known for weeks now but waited until the day it was due to even look at it). Ever since the owner read this dumb book; he's been doing his darnedest to shoe-horn all that corporate crap into this workplace full of people accustomed to a non-corporate environment. What is he trying to do? Give us that soulless, dead behind the eyes look of so many in corporate America? He's out of control with his latest antic; hoisting this self-evaluation upon us with hateful questions like the following:

1) How have you made the company better by promoting and demonstrating PPOO (Positive Performance On Others)? (I know! I was stumped too!)
2) How have you put the team goals ahead of your personal goals when advantageous to all? (Do you realize how much bullsh*t I had to drum up for this crap question?)
3) How have you demonstrated when difficult situations arise (whether technical, personal conflicts, etc.) that you become part of the solution and not the problem? (Well this was easy! I pull a vanishing act whenever conflict or unpleasantness rears its ugly head and return only after everything has worked out).
4) How have you produced results efficiently? (I found this question rude and invasive)

No joke. Dumb-Judy was still staring at this self-review a full forty five minutes after she began answering questions. So much for being "direct as concise" as the owner demanded, and so much for productivity.

Oprah in the morning this was a heavy burden. I even did an Internet search, on a few of the questions, to see if I could get some well written answers to cut-n-paste into this wretched chore. I did not, but I did find several sites that give you answers to annoying job interview questions like "What is your greatest weakness?" Ugh! Questions like that make me want to put my foot up someone's ass. So...since I did't want to get arrested for assault at a job interview; I answered those stupid questions and now I should probably get back to work.

Good Day.

You Said It....

Interior shot of Twin's womb.

Away on a secret mission, Beefy-Jon popped online long enough to send me this link here, about San Diego Mayor, Jerry Sanders, a reformed bigot, testifying at the Prop 8 trial (See, if you are a bigot, there is hope for you). He also dropped this chestnut:

Beefy Jon: Any scoop? I see your blog is as barren as Twin's womb today.

Now that was funny.

Did He Really Just Go There?

The only thing in this world I like about Twin's dumb new boyfriend is the fact that he is best friends with the very funny actor guy, Sabin, that stars in this video. Sabin, completely and thoroughly won me over during a heated game of Adult Loaded Questions by making me laugh until I cried. Since she's not using it; I wish I could have Twin's barren as the moon womb surgically implanted within me so I could trap Sabin into a loveless marriage (after I muttered those dreaded words, "Yup, It's yours," thanks to a scheme involving roofies and a turkey baster), so he could make me laugh all the time, while silmultaneously looking cute. Although, I may have trouble recognizing him, when next we meet, because there will be so much egg thoroughly covering his face thanks to the prediction he makes at the end of this video (Warning: which contains scenes of potty humour and implied tug-tug).

Good Day

I thought this was nice.