As a courtesy, I've taken it upon myself to come up with new years resolutions for the TWL staff and a few of our regulars. This relieves them of the burden of figuring out ways to improve themselves because, as a big fan of "tough love," I already know and have probably been obsessing about it.
Lex - Try not to be such a jackass.
OJ - Try not to be such a jackass.
Mik - Increase phone calls to at least once every two weeks so I don't worry that you got stuck in the astral plane somewhere or that the Blow Up Doll deflated.
Beefy-Jon - Despite several promises, you have yet to replace that raggedy ass, busted watch you gave me for my birthday. I realize you have a lot going on now (a little combat here, a little combat there) but let's make this a priority.
N.H.F. - Try to get right to the point to combat wind-baggery. Bonus Resolution: Edit better.
Stavvy - Try not to get any traffic tickets this year. Acknowledge that the time you got a ticket FOR SEVERE TAILGATING was indeed your fault.
Twin - Try not to start every sentence with "I"
Marja - Stop trumping up drama. You are not Susan Lucci, you are Tina Fey.
Kara - Try to remain cancer free. This roller-coaster ride is exhausting for me. Furthermore, don't balk and just sign on the dotted line when I ask for 70% of the profits after I
exploit you sell the screenplay to OWN or Lifetime for an original tear-jerker of a movie based on your multiple triumphs over cancer.
Gingerbread Mama - Own how judgmental you are. Let it seep forth in your column more than it already does.
H.N.B. - Stop pouting. Yes, the Editor-In-Chief made a lot of empty promises and you have every right to feel betrayed BUT he refuses to fire you although I have begged him to do so.
D3 - I saw a lot less of you in 2010. Let's just stay on that pattern for 2011.
Perv - Stop belching out loud in the office. You're a grown ass man.
98-lb Neil and CJ From Hollywood - Ok, you have kids now. BUT when you send out the holiday card next year we want to see YOU on the cards and not just your kids. You still matter. And, quite frankly, I'm more interested to see how you two are growing than the kids.