My co-worker, Big Chris (he's so much more fun than Bigger Chris), sent me three videos of him displaying his video game set up which contains a 120 inch screen, video projector, PS3, and all kind of woofers. The above video is dedicated to his 120 inch screen. He makes me laugh. If you have trouble viewing it above (I'm more conscious of mobile devices now that I'm crack-berried out)try it here. Then watch him get 4 million points on PS3's Pain here.
Oh boy. I was reaaaallly looking forward to this one so perhaps my expectations were a little high but I feel let down. Certainly not by Robert Downey Jr., who is as excellent and charismatic as one could hope for in a Sherlock Holmes that is quite the pugilist. Nor was I let down by Jude Law as the prettiest Dr. Watson to ever grace the screen. With both the leads pitch-perfect, it is terribly upsetting to see them betrayed by a somewhat weak script and schizophrenic directing that alternates between brilliant and stupid, by a seemingly confused, Guy Ritchie (but I'm not mad at him, he's probably still trying to adjust to life without someone telling him what to do, post marriage to Madonna). Then there's the woefully miscast Rachel McAdams as the femme fatale. Sigh. A featherweight here in a role that required Angela Jolie (or hell, even Anne Hathaway), its painful to watch her get consumed alive onscreen by acting god, Downey Jr. You just weren't ready dear. Maybe she'll get another chance in the sequel, which is set up during the clunky ending. I give this a "still worth seeing," three out of five stars. One star for Downey Jr., one for Jude Law's bone structure, and one for the brilliant set design.
Up In Da Air
Funny, smart, unpredictable and timely with its subject matter of terminating employees; Up In The Air gets a highly recommended 4 1/2 out of 5 stars from me. If George Clooney does not get at least an Oscar nomination for his heartbreaking yet hopeful portrayal of a selfish and isolated person; I'll be pissed. Speaking of selfish and isolated persons; I owe my brother a big thanks for blackmailing me into seeing this after I initially protested because I've had an "indiscretion" on this trip home that I'd like to keep quiet. But that's a story for another day.
2009 was an excellent year for concerts. I saw nearly 50 different bands this year at over 20 different shows (some were multi day, multi band festivals). I had a very difficult time narrowing it down to the top 5, however each of the shows below stood out from the rest in their own ways.
#5 Nine Inch Nails at The Pearl in Las Vegas
If you haven't seen a show at The Pearl at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, you need to. Its a smaller venue with modern acoustics. There isn't a bad seat in the house and the sound is better than any other venue I've been to (and I've been to a lot). This was the 2nd NIN/Janes Additions (NINJA) show I caught on this tour. The first gets an honorable mention due to excellent fan club seats at Cricket Amphitheater, however this one blew it away. The setlist had many favorites, including The Day the World Went Away . Trent Reznor has billed this as the "Wave Goodbye" tour and claims it will be the last full fledged tour he does as Nine Inch Nails although they will continue to produce music.
#4 Pearl Jam at Viejas Arena (SDSU) San Diego
Photo above is from the show in Philadelphia
Pearl Jam was another band I was fortunate enough to see twice on the same tour. The first was October 9th at the Viejas Arena in San Diego, the 2nd was Halloween night in Philadelphia, previously blogged about here. It was tough choosing the better of the two shows, I imagine its a lot like deciding which one of your children you love the most. Both had a lot of unique moments that differentiated one from another. In San Diego, Eddie Vedder sang happy birthday to the daugher of one of his road crew. He also brought his guitar teacher (from San Diego) on stage to play a song with them. In Philadelphia they covered DEVO's whip it (pictured) and played an extended set full of hits. The edge goes to the San Diego show because the date I took the to Philadelphia show had an abundance of hair on their ass while my date to the San Diego show, does not.
#3 Mogwai at All Points West festival New Jersey
Mogwai is an amazing post/prog rock band from Scotland. I was lucky to catch them twice this year, once on each coast. The first was at the Belly Up in Solana Beach, then 2nd at the All Points West Festival in New Jersey. For this show, I had splurged for indulgent VIP tickets that gave me an amazing view for the main stage (more on that below) however Mogwai, not as well known as say, Coldplay, was relegated to the 2nd stage mid day. There was no VIP viewing area for this particular stage so I was nearly forced to view this show with the commoners out in the grass. Luckily I prodded the manager of the VIP area, and he offered to get me on stage for the Mogwai set (despite the band requesting a CLOSED stage during the performance). Myself and Maija were 2 of 4 people not in the band or their crew that were allowed on stage, and as you can see from the picture the perspective was very unique. During some songs the keyboardist actually came to stage right to stand next to me!
EXCLUSIVE BONUS VIDEO! Taken from the side of the stage
#2 Tool at All Points West festival New Jersey
Tool was the Saturday night headliner for the All Points West Festival in New Jersey and the main reason I splurged for the aforementioned VIP tickets. I was able to get a viewing spot a few feet from the stage dead center. Unfortunately I do not have many pictures from this show, however I assure you it was worthy of the #2 spot. Due to Tool's popularity, there are few opportunities to see the band from such a close vantage point (without risking physical harm). The show was full of energy, although the setlist was the exact same as the previous four times I had seen them, and the same as the subsequent Epicenter music festival in Pomona where they finished their summer tour.
#1 Mastodon at Street Scene San Diego
If you haven't heard of Mastodon, do yourself a favor and check out their latest release, Crack the Skye Voted as one of the top albums of 2009 by all of the major rock magazine and (surprisingly) TIME Magazine. I was excited when I heard they would be playing San Diego's own Street Scene but slightly disappointed when the set times were announced and they were put on a small side stage at 7pm. This turned out to be a gift as it allowed my crew to get standing room about two feet from the stage and watch the band play the entire Crack the Skye album from start to finish. The band was really into the show. Lead guitarist Bent Hinds stepped down from the stage towards the crowd to play his solo on Oblivion. The sound was surprisingly good for an outdoor venue, especially when you consider the fact that this was not the main stage. Not only was this the best show I saw in all of 2009, it was easily one of the best shows I've seen in my entire life. (and I've seen hundreds). It almost makes up for the band cancelling an exclusive private studio session at FM 94.9 the day before that Maija had won tickets to!
See how many blog regulars you can identify by the back of their heads alone in the video below.
Puscifer at The Pearl Las Vegas. Alice In Chains at the Epicenter Festival in Pomona, Gogol Bordello at All Points West in New Jersey. Mogwai at the Belly Up in Solana Beach, Julian Plenti at the House of Blues San Diego, Mastodon at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia. Ghostland Observatory at All Points West in New Jersey (1) (2)
Biggest Disappointment live: Silversun Pickups at Coachella in Indio California.
Band I never want to see live again:
My Bloody Valentine at Coachella in Indio California and All Points West Festival in New Jersey
Band I know HNB would have loved the most:
Coldplay at All Points West in New Jersey
In the early 2000s, the class of entry-level luxury cars was growing. Most were sporty and started at $30,000 or less. Wanting in, Jaguar came out with the X-Type. From the get-go, critics warned that a cheap Jag would be bad for the brand and that Ford — which bought the company in 1989 — would probably cut corners and sacrifice quality. That was before they saw the product. Sharing its front-drive platform with a European Ford Mondeo, the X-Type was a too-small, not-so-sporty sedan with all-wheel drive that was hamstrung by some of the forewarned quality issues. The trap was clearly visible from miles away, and Ford walked right into it. A 2002 Jaguar X-Type can be had for up to $8,500. A 2002 Honda Civic goes for up to $9,275.
Coming in at #1 on that list: The Death Trap known as SmartforTwo
Ouch. I thought certainly the grotesque Pontiac Aztek would come in at #1. When you're done with that article, check out the worst cars of the decade pictorial, at The Huffington Post, here.
If you'd ventured into North Park yesterday and took a look over at their raggedy ass tennis courts, you may have been startled to see two, slow-moving walrus, jockeying for court position in what seemed like a thrilling new show for Sea World. Upon closer inspection you would have seen it was only me and Beefy-Jon, both bloated and out of breath, due to way too much holiday eating, because every outing in my life now revolves around food. I'm really upset about this because its getting to the point where I'm too fat to bend-over.
Let me just share with you a few examples of holiday piggy piggy from the past few days...I've mercifully left off the gluttonous Lefty's Pizza outing, with the Bittermans and dumb D3, because you would be grossed out, and judgmental, by how much food we consumed.
Steak and crab-legs. I was offended that Stav-on served this meal on a plastic plate but was too busy heading up for seconds to check them. Ok...and thirds. I'm weak for steak and crab-legs. Had they served steak and lobster, I would have slaughtered everyone else in the room for their portions.
Stavvy's fertile sister (She has two well-behaved small tots, both under 4, that simply sat and watched Wall-E the entire time instead of bothering me like kids usually do. She is now pregnant again with twins. She's like the Anti-Stavvy or Bizarro-Twin with her consistently populated womb.), was in town this past weekend so she had the Bittermans and me over for dinner. I prayed before arrival, "Oprah, please don't let Beefy-Jon cook anymore of his dry-ass chicken that he tries to cover up with BBQ sauce!" My prayers were answered as we enjoyed steak and crab legs while Stavvy's sister got in a few good tales (like how she blossomed in college after getting away from her cruel and domineering big sister that routinely beat her up, on a whim, at school in front of everyone), before the clucking became over-bearing and the gentlemen fled (well, Mik Bitterman fled, Beefy-Jon and I waddled) to the basement for proper scotch and political conversation.
Phallic alert 1! Beefy-Jon introduces Mik Bitterman to the pleasures of good bourbon and becoming a man.
Phallic alert 2! Stavvy's siser, Blow-Up, Stavvy and some friend of Stavvy's sister from college (she was one hell of a clucker) ran their mouths and clucked clucked clucked until my ears almost bled.
Now today at the office we have this spread. With the exception of very few here, we do not need those cookies. I took only fresh fruit and returned to my desk feeling great about myself. That lasted for about thirty minutes before I headed back down to the break room for some of those wedding cookies (the powdery white balls. I love.....no, too easy)
Then Twin had me over for dinner on Monday night where I was blindsided by the presence of her new beau that I refuse to accept for fear of abandonment (With several Tea W/Lemon power couples on the ropes, now, more than ever, I need stability). Earlier, she told me it was just me and Jeffy (a man so preposterously good looking its almost impossible to take him seriously). I stopped caring after Twin served what must have been a 2,500 calorie meal (I'm not kidding) that was topped off by this pesto pasta w/sausage that weakened my resolve before... BAM! Her new beau gave me a lollipop (a tootsie pop, shown above, you can't tell by the photo but the wrapper is much shinier and vibrant than normal tootsie pops) and grip-tape for my tennis racket. Although Jeffy yelled, "Hold out for more gifts!" I told Twin's new beau that this obvious bribe would be accepted, and I'd try not to give the stink eye so much, but I still wasn't getting attached because, "It hurts too much when they leave."
I had one more entry for this post but I'm out of time because I've got loose ends to tie up here at the office before heading out on holiday. I may finish here, using mobile blogging now that I have a Blackberry, or I may not.
I assure you this is not a Saturday Night Live skit. Frozen is an upcoming survival movie about a bunch of teenagers getting stuck on a ski lift. Like Open Water for the snow set, I suppose. Looks to me like they may get a bit chilly but should be OK. I have an even scarier tale, The Death Trail, where one of our regulars almost bit the dust during a doomed ski excursion (there was one fatality) in Mammoth. I'll get around to that someday.
Near the end of this trailer, when someone appears to be in for a bad case of frost-bite, I got a serious case of the giggles so I thought I'd share despite the preposterousness of it all. If you can't see the dumb trailer above, try it here.
|The Colbert Report||Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down|
Outdoorsy Jarrod is a big fan of Stephen Colbert. He watches The Colbert Report religiously and will send me a video whenever Colbert mocks dumb people that are against gay marriage touches on a topic O.J. thinks will interest me. I'm not sure if he remembered that I am a big fan (save your figuratively and literally jokes for yourself) of the absurdly beautiful and talented Alica Keys, but he sent me this video where Colbert replaces Jay-Z and joins Keys for a suburban version of Empire State of Mind (part II) Broken Down. Alicia is either a very good sport or so self-absorbed that she has no idea who is actually on stage with her.
James Cameron's Avatar is epic. It is a classic tale of love, betrayal and redemption, with a ridiculously likable hero that has balls the size of Sheboygan, a feisty heroine, and mean bad guys. This tale is accompanied by the most amazing special effects and colors you have ever seen on the big screen.
Mik Bitterman and Beefy-Jon model their 3-D shades. This movie made us all feel like big, goofy kids again.
Before the movie started, I bitched to Mik Bitterman and Beefy-Jon, "Have mercy this is going to be 2 hours and 40 minutes long! How indulgent! I hate when directors don't trim their sh*t down to a manageable length. I loved The Dark Knight but at two hours and thirty minutes I thought it could use additional editing. I'm hungry!" Twenty seconds after the movie began, I could almost feel director James Cameron's hand on the back of my neck, as he forcefully bent me over and then pleasured me for the next 2 hours and forty minutes.
It was that good.
Three Herculean tasks are performed here that I thought were impossible:
1) I don't care if you have a home theatre with surround sound you still should not wait for the video or illegally download it! There is a reason to actually go to cinema as this film demands to be seen on big screen, and see it in 3-D should you!
2) Somehow, this movie makes the previously irritating, Michelle Rodriguez, likable in her small supporting role and I actually like her now. (How the f*ck did they pull that off? I think it's best not to ask too many questions)
3) Mik Bitterman, Beefy-Jon and I all agreed and gave it the same review: Five out of five stars.
Do yourself a favor and see this.
Was Blow-Up Trampled by the White Elephant? Will Closet Case Jake Ever Come Out Of that Damn Closet? All This And More...
Twin, Donna, Bobble, and Stavvy (with her ever present glass of vino) pose, and show off Twin and Donna's cleaning supplies, before the party kicked off and 3 out of the four of them lost their composure. One of them is certain to walk off with the highly coveted, "Biggest Booty" award in the upcoming annual Best Of awards.
Twin and the beauteous Bobble hosted a White Elephant Christmas gathering on Friday that was fun fun fun. It was almost a perfect evening except for these three things: 1) The Blow Up Doll showed up looking busted. 2) Twin (a train wreck through most of the evening) tried, in vain, to shove her brand new boyfriend down my throat. 3) The White Elephant was a horrible experience for me. OGBFF's (Marja's Orange Gay Best Friend Forever) twin brother, Closet-Case Jake, chose the gift I brought and is now enjoying it, much to my chagrin, and I got D3's dumb gift.
That clown that Twin wants me to like, Twin, D3, Bobble, Rizzo, and someones Italian grandmother. Wait, that's Blow-Up in a baggy, Fisherman's sweater and nappy hair. Standing next to Rizzo is NOT helping (I would jump out of the nearest window before I let myself be photographed next to perma-duck face Rizzo, who is a serious contender for 2009's Prettiest Male, in our upcoming Best Of awards) and I should have maneuvered her next to D3...and then cropped them both out, right along with Twin and her dumb new boyfriend.
Let's cover those issues quickly so I can vent and begin to heal.
1) When Blow-Up walked in the door I thought, "Who's the sweet but frumpy hausfrau?" When I realized it was Blow-Up I marched right up and asked, "Blow-Up, why do you look so busted? Did you lose your brush? Your hair is a mess. You look like one of those sweet grandmothers in Mik's little Italian village. You look like you just plucked a chicken by hand, mopped some floors, and cooked Mik's dinner before heading over...." It was then that D3 interrupted and quipped, "That's probably about right!" Before I finished, "..and then found yourself getting roughed up by Ninjas on the front porch." Blow-Up answered, "Well, I didn't think I was coming. But, I'd finished preparing Mik's dinner and felt like getting out of the house, after all, and I'm not trying to impress anyone!."
Well, obviously not.
2) I got attached to Twin's last two boyfriends (Tobin the Popular and Big Dong Darrell) only to find myself saddened when they were rolled out to the recyle bin and/or garbage dumpsters. This time I'm not getting attached and want nothing to do with Twin's latest beau. The only thing he gets from me is this...
...the stink eye. When her confused new beau finally said, "Huh? What the hell?" Twin calmly explained, "He's acting out because he's like a child that has been through too many divorces. He'll come around."
Stavvy, OGBFF (having re-invented himself again in full Snooki from "Jersey Shore" mode), Marja, OGBFF's twin brother, Closet-Case Jake, and N.H.F. during the ill-fated (for me) White Elephant debacle.
O.J. (front runner for 2009's Best Hunk in our upcoming awards for simply staying the same-in shape-while all other contenders ballooned or shriveled around him) holds a gift from Brian-N.H.F. that I have censored while 8 (strong contender for 2009's Happiest Breasts awards that is given during Best Of 2009-After Dark ), Donna and some poor bastard that Donna invited, after they'd had one date, that tried his hardest to win her over (which means stay the night and get some sex) but failed.
The White elephant gift had to start with a letter from our name so I went with a T-shirt, a 2(xist) T square cut tank top t-shirt, to be exact ,that I had sitting around the house that was luckily still in the box. Had I known OGBFF's boring twin bother would walk off with it I would have taken the time I spent wrapping it (using a beat up Tiffany's bag as camouflage) and simply burned it instead.
3) The White Elephant gift exchange was a disaster. Closet Case Jake (Come out! Come out wherever you are!) greedily snatched my gift from Rizzo (In a hilarious exchange, Rizzo unsuccessfully tried to intimidate him into giving it back!). It bothers me immensely that Closet Case Jake is enjoying the shirt because I do not like him! When Blow-Up asked, "Why don't you like Jake?" I answered her honestly, "Because he's not fun like OGBFF. That's all. " I never said I was well. Then, I foolishly chose D3's gift and I'm still bitter about it...
Although I love this picture.
And I feel better now.
and when those three to thirty minutes are up, maybe you could....
See Avatar. James Cameron's follow-up to the biggest grossing movie ever (in the United States), Titanic. Big Chris caught the midnight showing last night. I asked, "Does it truly change the face of cinema as the commercials boast?" He excitedly answered, "Almost every thing about it is like nothing you've seen before...except for the actual story. That was just OK. Despite that, I'm still going to see it again." Since Big Chris is the one who turned me on to Little Big Planet, I trust him for now. Just yesterday, N.H.F. said that "his gut" was telling him that this would be an indulgent mess of Cameron sucking his own c*ck. What a communicative "gut" he has. I was impressed because my "gut" usually only tells me when it is hungry.
photo credit: Emilio the neighbor
Have a night of old-school bromance. As old friends, Mik Bitterman and me, joined old school buds, N.H.F. and 98-lb Neil (the handsome lollipop), in a night of Survivor, Mozzarella Bowls (Yes, bowls. Tis a specialty of mine and not a drop survived as I sacrificed and allowed everyone to have seconds but me even though I'd made enough for six people), Garbanzo Bean Salad and festive hot chocolate w/whipped cream topping. and I did last night. Joy abounded as grown men guffawed over falling coconuts (don't ask) and even Mik Bitterman smiled, twice.
Do some Holiday shopping.
and with that....
Tiger & Mistress
I feel compelled to share something with you that's been pestering me for over a week now. I should have shared earlier to keep me from shouldering this burden alone. I had an unusual and seriously strong reaction to the selling of Tiger Woods personal text-messages, via whore, to US Magazine.
As everyone on the planet knows, Tiger Woods cheated all over the globe and one of his opportunistic whores, Jamie Grubbs, used the opportunity to sell her story (which I can understand as a trollop has to eat) and private text messages between herself and the absurdly horny Mr. Woods. These text messages were published in US Magazine, to which I have a subscription so my girlfriends have something to read when they visit, and I actually screamed out, "What an opportunistic whore!" as I perused the article. I'm ashamed to admit that I read every text-message, pausing only long enough to hiss and turn the word slut into two syllables ("What a Suh-lut!"). I was wrong, and shudder at my own hypocrisy, but you try turning away from personal text messages that read, “I will wear you out...when was the last time you got (bleeped)?” Truth be told, I would involuntarily flinch and curl my toes if I received a text where someone promised to wear me out! Although if the person was married, I'd regrettably tell him to go home and wear out his white wife, but that's not why we're here today.
Money grubbing Grubbs shields her money maker
Here's the real issue. I can't understand why, out of all this mess, I just can't get over text-message selling slut, Jamie Grubbs. While I have never, ever been a fan of opportunistic whores; I tolerate them as long as they keep their distance. Since I've been judged my entire life for being so gorgeous; I try not to judge others as long as they are not hurting people or puppies. At first I thought I was being sexist, but then I thought about how I would have an even stronger reaction if a man, lets call him James Grubbs, sold his private text messages, detailing his affair with a famous, horny, married woman named Kitty Williams (although she would not be a golfer or she would probably be a lesbian). I would think he was a complete sleazeball and certainly not a gentleman. So...I've made a realization, my strong reaction to that tramp comes from her vulgar lack of discretion. I think that if you are having an affair with someone, and that someone is kind enough to send you a text-message promising to "wear you out", it should stay out of print media, as a common courtesy. So, I hope this scandal passes soon so Tiger can get back on the golf course (I truly do not care about his personal life as long as he's not hurting people or puppies, as I mentioned) and his soon to be ex-wife (if she has even a modicum of self worth) can heal. I'm sure all the $$$ will help with that. While I hope other indiscreet, opportunistic whores do not use the example set forth by the money grubbing Grubbs.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. I feel better already.
I've been listening to Pink Martini's latest, Splendor in the Grass, this morning. While nothing on it even comes close to approaching the life-affirming, spirit-boosting glory of Hang On Little Tomato (but what could?) It still defines "nice." Well, with the exception of their horrible remake of "Sing". Made famous by the Carpenters and Sesame Street. Try as they might to make it hip, when they get to that irritating bridge of La La La La La La La La La La La I fill with seething rage. They screwed the pooch with that one. Listening to all other Pink Martini songs, while sipping chamomile tea, soothes even the most savage of beasts.
Paris, Nicole, Chub-Rock, Brad & Angelina, Perv the Janitor and Jane Doe the Red Tailed Shark are Bullied, Beaten and then Mercilessly Eaten
The holidays are a little less jolly at 1 Reynard Fish-Tank Way as a grisly massacre has trimmed its inhabitants from 9 to 3. Bully the Gourami (a fish that Emo bought that proved to be unusually aggressive) and his co-hort in crime, Bullette the Gourami (sigh...a fish that I bought because I thought Bully was only so aggressive because he needed a friend or some booty), got a taste for blood after chasing Jane-Doe the red-tailed shark relentlessly around the tank until the poor thing dropped dead and was gorily consumed. After that the fish gloves came off and wholesale slaughter commenced. Paris and Nicole the Tetra-fish were about four years old and had resided at 1 Reynard Fish-Tank Way since its inception. They deserved so much better than that nasty ending. I didn't even get to say good-bye as I left for work one day, as they were being chased around the tank relentlessly, but when I came home they were dead dead dead and barely identifiable as Bully & Bullette had whittled them down to skeletons (and I'm not kidding, I would show anyone that would look the horrific, skeletal remains).
In quick succession; Chub-Rock the bloated tetra (a spectacular, gold well fed fish that took them about 2 days to consume), Perv the janitor fish (a gift from Perv, he was only missing a few chunks before the visiting N.H.F. demanded I flush him as it was upsetting his stomach) and Brad & Angelina the frogs (a gift from Marja) were chased, chased and then chased some more until they succumbed and were eaten. Queerly, the bullies have chosen to spare the last survivor; a lackluster, transparent fish that is so insignificant I haven't bothered to give it a name, despite the fact that it’s been in the tank for 3 years. Perhaps they too have a similar disinterest…or they just haven’t seen it yet.
I’m sure you’re asking, as everyone else has, “Why the hell didn’t you isolate or flush those mean-spirited fish before they annihilated the entire tank?” Well, it’s simple. I’m not well and have an irrational need to see bullies put in their place. I would stand next to the tank and bellow, to its stressed out inhabitants, “Fight back! Stand up to those bullies! It is the only way they’ll stop chasing you!”
I found out, the hard way, that really doesn’t apply to the little world of fish. Thus, the bloodletting.
A moment of silence please.
Evencia, 8, T (me), O.J. and Twin re-imagined as adorable, Elfin dance troupe.
8 continued her one woman campaign to spread joy throughout the land by sending me the link here. There is a lot of boogy going on. It made me happy.
You should try to be more like 8 (and that applies to all but Blow-Up, another source of seemingly non-ending goodness).
I would have embedded the video here on the blog, as a courtesy, but the cost to download is a whopping $4.99 (Oprah in morning!) so.... Luckily we can watch it for free right here.
Todd, Christina and Bottom Boy (who's voice is so deep he sounds like Barry White with a lisp) went for broke and won. My plans to bend Bottom Boy over the appetizer cart hit a snag when he brought a date that was as tall as I...who also happened to be a woman. This led to accusations of "tranny!" from Perv.
With the exception of Ashley (who took off her shoes, proudly displaying dry skin, flat feet and prominent bunions, and then proclaimed, "My talent is that I can draw with my feet!" Not on this blog dear.), here are the also rans...
Bonus Blogging: That's Nice Dear
Angry Ken (an employee that's been here over five years) just happened to bring his guitar and exclaimed, "I didn't know how long the talent show would go but here's a song I wrote that I wanted to play for you!" UGH! How presumptuous and indulgent. Its a pet peeve of mine when people unexpectedly take you hostage by hoisting their singing and guitar playing upon you, forcing you to sit there with a plastered smile, uncomfortable and anticipating the songs end. As you can see in the video, I couldn't be burdened with holding the camera but since Angry Ken was actually good, I continued to record the music, as a courtesy.
Or maybe you could just...
Attend your company holiday party! As I'm excited to do tonight. Our company holiday parties never suck and No-Nonsense Laura has been working over-time to insure that tonight's soiree continues that trend (translation: we don't run out of food and their are centerpieces for me to steal afterwards). All persons hired in 2009 (and there were a lot) are required to participate in a "talent show" where each newcomer must display a "talent", and I can't wait to laugh at them. On my first year here, I read a dumb poem and bored everyone. I'm certain Bottom Boy will simply bend over and vacuum a few table cloths into that gaping vortex (while leaving everything else on the table undisturbed).
Reach your ideal bikini weight, as Kim Kardashian had done, and then boasted about it. If you have not reached your ideal bikini weight, try not to stand next to Kim Kardashian like her sister Khloe has yet to learn. I like Kim Kardashian because she knows she was put here on this earth to look good. She serves as a role model for those who have started to lose their way and forget their purpose like Twin (I told her to ease up on the pasta dinners after she waddled on stage during her last performance and made the floorboards creek) and Emo (Who has been pigging out and not working out. Emo was stopped while walking to his motorcycle, by a hair-stylist, and was offered a free hair-cut in exchange for being a hair model. Unfortunately the stylist gave him a pixie cut and now he looks like a stout lesbian). Yup, time for those two to remember why they are here before stage floor-boards are further compromised or the the only time they get stopped in a parking lot is to hear, "Hey Buddy, do you have an extra Snickers?"
It's happened to me. But I can rock a double-chin because people stopped expecting anything out of me, appearance wise, years ago. Others don't have that same freedom.
Get yourself a nifty X-Men T-shirt like Hot-Nerd Brian!
Find an anti-gay pep rally and then lighten it up with a bit of humour.