Office Costume Photo Parade

(Disclaimer: Editor in Chief is in Philly watching a stupid concert so this blog may be eerily ripe with error.)


Members of our Engineering Dept. Big Chris (left) is dressed as an Environmental Database (Yes, Big Chris is a nerd) while Angry Ken (sitting on the right)is appropriately dressed as he is a powder-keg waiting to explode. He is always seething with just below the surface hostility and some days his face goes beet-red and I think "Uh-oh, here comes the massacre!" And no that is not a sweet, orphaned, Asian child standing in front, but rather a grown ass woman software programmer.


UGH!!! Goofy and annoying Alan (dressed as a Priest prone to molestation) ruins what could have been a great picture by inserting his busted ass in the middle even after I told told that dummy I didn't want him in the photo AT ALL (Penny the busy-body hit me on the arm to hush me and tried to play it off like I was joking when we all know I was as serious as a heart-attack.). Hunky Todd (left, who is bald as a baseball bat yet actually hotter than Bottom Boy thanks to his rough, rugged elbows, macho brooding and intense, knee weakening stare) came as a demented chemist (he is going to win the top prize because not only is he fine but he incorporated our company logo into his costume). Bottom Boy is working those platform boots, and displaying an ample amount of chest, as Dr. Groovy. Hopefully he won't topple forward and injure himself if I decide today is the day that he gets bent over.


I love Ugly Mark's costume! I also love the fact that the intense and brooding Todd was gracious enough to pose again with Ugly Mark in order to help balance out some of that busted.


Goofy and Annoying Alan (Why? WHY?) ruins another photo. Despite the fact that she's pushing seventy; Penny the busy-body (coined by Perv, pardon the pun, because she has to put her two cents in on everything and he said its not worth that) bravely exposed her knock-knees and came dressed as a wench (and if you don't think I've gotten mileage outta that one...)while my beloved Linda admitted she got lazy and pulled out an ages old poodle skirt, adjusted the waist to accommodate a bit of middle age spread, and called it a day. Linda is second in command of the entire company. We are desperately in love. Each day we greet each other with a sugary exchange like the following: Linda: How is my favorite guy? T: I am better now! How is my favorite person? I'm certain every stomach within ear-shot churns.


Here is annoying Alan (AGAIN! He is the Toby to my Michael Scott) and his fiancee Ashley. Ashley, appropriately dressed as an angel, just started working in Perv's department and if you think I'll even THINK a bad word about her you have another thing coming. She is too sweet, wet-behind-the-ears, naive and suffers enough by being engaged to that dummy. The only thing she'll get from me is a hug. Saying something bad about her would be akin to kicking a swollen puppy and I simply won't do it.


Dumb Judy. Bless her dumb heart. When she told me she was dressed as a cheetah, I confessed that I didn't even realize she had on a costume. The shoes are cute and she looks like she may be going clubbing. Always rude, Perv asked me if she was dressed as a M.I.L.F. call-girl.


Full-Time April and Ho-sephine, two of the sweetest persons here, came as witches with pedicures.

and finally......


Perv. His costume? Who knows. The best I can figure is "Someone in need of prayer or a clue"

and with that.....

Halloween Pumpkins For Nerds

Goose-bump inducing.



Chill inducing.

Grim Goodies For Your Ugly Kid

In the the article here, the author describes the artificially flavored Liquid Cherry Blood Bag as thus: This cherry candy tastes like a thicker Kool-Aid. It’s sweet, it’s sugary, and I seriously don’t want to stop eating it. I’m convinced that if I shanked the Kool-Aid Man, this is what would come out of his gut.

Gross. Still, $1.99 is a good price point for encouraging fledgling vampires.

New Trailer Served With Side-Car of Gossip

James Cameron's first movie since Titanic gets a new trailer. It still looks...odd. Maybe this will help replace some of that Titanic money, $50 million of which went to muscular Terminator actress, Linda Hamilton , whom he directed in Terminator 2 and then subsequently knocked up and married for 18months. It was one of the costliest Hollywood divorces ever. Read about that and nine other costly divorces here.

Good Day

What I Learned: Car Shopping With Donna

What do Mik, O.J., Beefy-Jon, Perv, Emo and N.H.F. all have in common besides thinking I am precious? Before you answer, remember Mik doesn't like porn. The answer is: They all asked, "Um...why would anyone ask YOU to go car shopping with them? What do you know about cars?" after I told them that Donna had requested I accompany her car shopping. Silly rabbits. Of course Donna asked me. She did not care about price, horse-power, reliability, etc. She could research that stuff online or ask someone with sense. She wanted to know if her choices "looked cute". And more importantly, if she "looked cute" in them. She told me, "You're not one to hold back your opinion and I need that today." Still sensing my hesitation (I was tired and sensed burden) she threw in "Plus I'll take you out to Thai." Somehow I tapped into my energy reserves and off we were. I learned a few things that day and I'd like to share them with you now.

1) If you drive into a car lot, up to six salesmen will rush out and follow your car as it parks!!! I was stunned. I realize times are hard but if I were a salesman I would stroll out and ignore the person because we all know if someone ignores us we try harder to get their attention.

2) Car salesman are NOT cute. It is not a profession that cute people choose. Every salesman we saw (And there were plenty. I earned that dumb Thai dinner.) was broke up and beat down. For all I know, they were cuter before the economy slid south because I know first hand how stress can make one busted.

3) Thanks to points one and two, Car lots are depressing places.

4) Donna has a huge ass. She is tiny. One of the tiniest people I know, and has a tiny waist. But when she turned around in her True Religion jeans, I gasped as that huge backside whooshed, throttled and then landed with a "KA-POW!" and then rested at a slow burn. I told her, "That thing is dangerous. Some black girl is missing her juicy booty and is pissed about it. I wonder if she is friends with the white guy who is walking around with my missing 10 incher?"

5) If you send me and Donna car shopping, very little car shopping will get done due to a focus on clucking and maddening indecision. I'm not kidding, it took us AN HOUR just to decide on a restaurant for lunch. With this in mind, you can understand that while we were out all day Sunday we only went on two test drives (but she did look cute in the Rav-4 and some Acura). The only progress made was thanks to my frequent phone calls to Perv (Who has downsized to four cars from six. Blast this economy!, who had good advice for Donna, as he knows everything there is to know about car shopping.

6) I'm an online only type of person. I was so exhausted afterwards that I will never go again...unless the day ends with me getting bent over the hood of a Lexus.


Good Day

Diversity Alert!

The stunning Penelope Cruz. Knowing what I know now...her success is all the more remarkable.

It all started with this article in the newest issue of Vanity Fair (the one with the Penelope Cruz cover above), in the article Letterman and Me, this worrying tidbit is revealed: At this moment, there are more females serving on the United States Supreme Court than there are writing for Late Show with David Letterman, The Jay Leno Show, and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien combined. Out of the 50 or so comedy writers working on these programs, exactly zero are women. It would be funny if it weren’t true.

That's right. ZERO!

Then yesterday, these troubling statistics were revealed by the Screen Actors Guild (which, coincidence or not, is governed by acting president, Ken Howard. Ken was the star of the 70's drama, The White Shadow.): In 2007, minority actors were at a higher number, receiving 29.3 percent of total roles. In 2008, that went down to 27.5 percent. The percentage breakdown of film and television roles from 2008 was 72.5 percent Caucasian, 13.3 percent African American, 6.4 percent Latino, 3.8 percent Asian-Pacific Islander, 0.3 percent Native American and 3.8 percent other or unknown (I suspect the "unknowns" were persons like Mariah Carey, who had a brave role as a social worker in the film Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire ).


Mimi Carey in her brave (brave = busted with no makeup) role as a social worker in Precious. Mimi is what is known as "3.8 percent other or unknown"

Why I never! I can't believe that only 13.3 percent of roles went to African Americans! Blast the blue-eyed devil! I may boycott film and tv altog.....wait. What's that you say? According to the 2008 Census , African Americans made up only 12.8% of the population! Oh. Well I guess that is a fair representation. Latinos, on the other hand, need to come out swinging since their piddly 6.4% representation of Hollywood roles is in stark contrast to their staggering 15.4% portion of the population pie. Yup, this battles on you. Or just be grateful for satellite and Telemundo. The only gain for minority groups was from Asian-Pacific Islanders growing from 3.4 percent to 3.8 percent (vs. their census ratio of 4.5% of the population). That growth occurred because Asians are pushy and demanding and we could learn from them.

Good luck fighting the good fight, women comedy writers and struggling Hispanic actors. I would help but I'd be spread way to thin with my ongoing battle with bullies and bigots. Right now I'm focused on the marriage equality in battle in Maine (and will be making phone calls in support, like this good lookin' brotha here), which appears to be going a little better than California's doomed Prop 8 battle, because there are fewer backwoods hillbillies with missing teeth and religous zealots in Maine.

Good Day.

Adam Lambert...

...is more androgynous than you. This is the cover for his upcoming debut album and I know my favorite gold-digger, Stacy from Monterey, can't wait to get it into her greedy little gold diggin mitts!

Lost: $200 Tennis Raquet.

It's been a odd week at the tennis courts. There were four "firsts" and I'll list them for you now.

1) On Saturday, Beefy-Jon owned me 6-0 in the first set. While he usually wins, that was the first shut out.

2) I won the second set 6-4. Because I won that second set (It was highly competitive. Made even more so because an attractive couple was watching, as they waited to play, and openly rooted for me. Despite my best efforts and absence of a heart, I continue to be quite likable), for the first time ever, Beefy-Jon HIT A TENNIS BALL AT ME in frustration. Although he's said some nasty things in frustration, this was shocking. The only other person to ever hit a tennis ball at me in frustration was BJ's polar opposite in every way, Emo. I chalk the frustration up to "white man's entitlement". They felt entitled to win, but I felt differently.

3) With daylight hours waning; Beefy-Jon decided to bring his racket and shorts to work on Monday so he could come straight to my house afterwards so we could head to the courts. Unfortunately, he was in such a rush that he left them on top of the car (he remembered this as he was going over the Coronado bridge) so, barring the event that they slid into the bay) someone has themselves a $200 tennis racket (It was nice) and a $50 pair of X-large Adidas shorts.

4) We returned Tuesday and lo and behold we had a 6-0 in the first set...but this time I was the victor. Another first. B.J. won the second set 6-3 so we moved on to a THIRD set (another first!). That set deadlocked at 5-5 and was called, due to light, for continuance later. I'll let you know how that goes (If I win. If not expect nothing but silence)


Maybe B.J. would still have his racket if he, like me, used a tasteful blue tote (compliments of C.J. from Hollywood). When I first pranced out onto the courts with this tote, B.J. sneered, "Look at that blue ass, gay ass, blue ass bag!" Mmmm-hmmm. Now look.

David Duchovny...

...is aging better than you. He'll be fifty next year, and as these screencaps from Sunday's episode of Californication clearly show, he looks finer than ever. Time for another rousing sing-a-long to the oldie but goodie, "David Duchovny, Why Won't You Love Me?"



Good Day

Early Cuts

If you, like me, can't get enough Dexter (and last night's episode, "Dirty Harry", was so good I could sh*t myself just thinking about it), then watch the animated, web-isodes Dexter: Early Cuts, which chronicle Dexter's early years, here.

Good Day

Big Shark In Australia is Coming to Kill You

Great Oprah! That is one big bite. Almost a clean chomp through. Look at how the Shark's mouth is agape with agony, frozen in a final blood curdling scream as its life ended painfully and violently when it fell prey to a mammoth, savage Great White and was tossed about and bloodied like a kitten that was thrown into a tigers lair. And to think that just earlier today I was writing about Popular Tobin surfing. If a Great White got a hold of him he would be so mangled and disfigured he'd only be identified by his Jewish fro.

Outdoorsy Jarrod's Monday Morning...

....was better than yours.

Gnar Shredded and Giftgiving For Gays

Twin's current....well um...Twin's current.... "It's complicated", Popular Tobin, brought me a souvenir back from his surfing expedition to Bali (Where, according to him, he "shred the gnar").


A boot-leg copy* of the gay and religious themed, Save Me. He took one look at the, "Up there with Brokeback Mountain" review on the cover and told the vendor, "This will be perfect for my gay friend!" HAHAHHAHAHHAHA! I'm actually looking forward to watching it but I'm worried. As I've told you, It is not safe to get too attached to anyone dating Twin. I'm quite fond of Popular Tobin and gift giving will only make it harder on me if he gets booted. Twin's paramours never know when its coming when they get unceremoniously rolled out to the curb and then dumped in one of two bins- Recycle (Still some hope, not quite out of the picture and you may get another shot if she gets lonely) or Trash (Gone for good. Taken to the dump. Say hi to Nemo for me if you see him there!)

Good Day

*TWL does not endorse the giving of shoddily made, boot-leg DVD's as gifts. Thats on Popular Tobin's conscience.

Stavvy Flip Flops: End Of Bottle is End of Era

After three years of peddling it off on unsuspecting restaurants, a myriad of events, innumerable Caipirinhas, and me plugging my nose in order to gag it down; Stavvy the Ice-Princess has flip-flopped on her opinion that Leblon is the superior Cachaça on the market and, as a woman of integrity, she could no longer advocate the inferior product and thus has given her two weeks notice to Leblon. I’m shocked too. Stavvy the Ice-Princess has become synonymous with Leblon these past few years. Although I thought the beverage was gross; I drank it because it was free and I really like the green t-shirts. Oh well! Now I’ll have to get used to Stavvy’s new favorite beverage which she’ll begin hoisting upon the unsuspecting…..soon.

Things To Do Over the Weekend

Curiously, this ancient image of Posh & Becks turned up on my google search for "Get Bent Over" Which is this Weekends #1 suggestion.

Or you could just...


Play tennis in the dark. Trust me. It is more fun than you think but you need really bright balls and good hearing.


Cook corned beef. I did and this plate was so delicious this meal leap-frogged over LOTS of stiff competition to rest comfortably in the #2 position as Best Single Meal I've Had in 2009. And believe you me, with the exception of Beefy-Jon's sandpaper chicken, I've had a lotta really good meals this year. If you must know, the #1 position is still held by Twin's Shrimp Trampy & Peasant Pork plate that dropped earlier this year to eager guts.
Disclaimer: The #2 ranking may be biased. When I ate the plate above it was after a grueling run called the Fat-Burner 45 and, for the first time I can remember, I was too stressed earlier in the day to eat lunch.


Watch the Sandy Bullock (Yes I know its Sandra but I've watched her fall in love quirky so many times that I feel like we are friends. Thus she's "Sandy" to me) romantic comedy "The Proposal", as I did old school style with Mik and D3 (Whenever its just the three of us I call it "old school" since we moved to San Diego together years back. I didn't like D3 then and I don't like him now. Someone needs to call Guinness because we are sure to break a record for longest lasting friendship where one person never really liked the other.). I love girlish Sandy Bullock romantic comedies and I love Ryan Reynolds so the predictability of this flick didn't bother me in the least. Shockingly, the always irritable Mik really enjoyed this movie too, and he doesn't like Sandy! He also told me not to tell anyone he enjoyed it because he was embarrassed about it. Also giving it a thumbs up was D3, and while not sober, he wasn't rip-roaring drunk at the time.


Visit Big Lots for cheap cleaning supplies and to rub elbows with the common folk. Where else could you find fun things like the toy above? When I saw this I burst out laughing and had to take a photo.


Go to the Farmers Market in either Hillcrest or Little Italy. Remember, Little Italy is a "Hot Pocket" (an area of town where there are an unusually high number of hot people) so wear your sunglassess so you can ogle freely. Above is a photo of our jaunt to last weekend's festival where we had an impromptu "Hunk-off" featuring Jeff vs. Fat C. McGillicutty. The winner? Too close to call so the only one true winner was me.

Ok, back to my sea of burdens.

Good Day.

Current Office Environment: Send Rescue

You may have noticed updates this week have been as rare as a conversation with Twin that doesn't lead back to her or as scarce as a chat with Marja that doesn't lead back to cock. That is because I am unreasonably stressed and swamped with work. I was so much more fun when I simply had to act like I was busy.


This helped: No-Nonsense Laura ordered four cakes from an authentic French bakery to celebrate our October birthdays.


I had one piece for me, and one in honor of our dearly departed Dana who was unceremoniously pink-slipped right before her birthday. Notice my tasteful, girlish sized portions as I attempted not to over-indulge, which is usually easy for me with sweets as I prefer salt based indulgence). I also tried to keep my portions equally small on my second helping. Don't judge me. That French bakery is the devil.

Good Day.

Cranky Weekly Columnist Returns Hell-Bent on Wrecking Halloween for the Whorish

Annual Halloween Rant and Exploitive Photo Parade

In years past I’ve ranted and moaned to nearly anyone who will listen about the total lack of creativity and ingenuity in women’s Halloween costumes. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, wearing a black snatch length dress with stockings and throwing on a pair of animal ears DOES NOT make a costume. “Slutty Construction Worker” is not a costume ladies!!

So to save you all from my annual sermon, I’ll let the photos do the talking.


No.


No. No. No. She doesn’t even bother to put on a tail!


There are so many things wrong with this “Geisha” costume I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s just address the cultural insensitivity…following her example, I suppose if you put on a sombrero and wore a poncho with a thong you could go as a “Mexican?”

Speaking of……


“Sexy Border Patrol Agent” is no more a costume than “Sexy DMV Clerk”.

However…


Sexy border patrol agent chasing illegal immigrant is pretty damn funny.

And while we're on the subject of blue-collar work….





A “Sexy Construction Worker” or “Sexy Postal Worker” is never ever acceptable, despite obvious jokes about putting male in her box.

Let’s talk Super Heroes for a moment….


THIS is Wonder Woman…


THIS is not. What’s the point of an invisible plane if she has no goodies to hide?


Disney princesses were the second casualties of the slutty Halloween epidemic (after the poor kitty cats) and I suppose some people feel empowered tramping out a sweet childhood memory. Personally, when I feel like that, I just watch Goldicocks or Ho White and the 7 Whores on Skinimax.


From the “WTF” category….I don’t even know what this slut is.


Or this? Is stripper a Halloween costume? Someone might need to tell D3….

Now there are ways to do Halloween right and still be sexy, it just takes a little bit of creativity.


Cute and sexy Dora the Explorer is a nice antidote to the hundreds of Whored-out Cinderellas and Slutty French Maids.


A trio of sexy Mario Brothers is bound to get some attention, laughs, and maybe a date….


Blog regular Tuyen hit the nail on the head her with sexy (yet creative!) version of Mrs. Smith.


Cleopatra done wrong…


Cleopatra done right.




It is totally acceptable to whore it up if the costume actually looks like the original. Why be a “Sexy Sanitation Worker” when you can wear skintight gold lame a la Jean Gray, or a sassy white bandaged Milla Jovavich from the highly underrated 5th Element?

Finally, it’s not always the women who cross the line from sexy to slutty to WTF?....



and on that note….I’m outta here. Happy Halloween!



*Epiblog*

A good male friend of mine considers my irrational hate of slutty Halloween costumes to be simply, "standard girl jealousy". This is hardly the case at all. Twin looks fierce as an Asian Angelina Jolie and the chick rocking the 5th Element Leeloo costume is bangin'! I am certainly secure enough in my own appearance to appreciate the beauty of a good rack or a firm and perky female backside. The problem is, it doesn't matter how gorgeous you are if your personality is as bland as a Jennifer Anniston movie. Any woman (or girl) who walks out of a costume shop with a "Sexy Witch" getup not only lacks mental creativity, but also is probably totally vanilla in bed. BOOOOOOring. Lame. Played out. Cliche. Tired.

Come on hot ladies, get a new schtick.