Shocking no one, I missed Twin’s debut performance as one of the The Caburlesque Kittens (touted as “When classic cabaret meets the burlesque!”) when my “just five more minutes” of nap time turned into 2AM. My apology was lost on Twin who came out this morning with both guns blazing full of venom (“YOU ARE RUDE!”) until I calmed her happy ass down with my time proven, can’t fail technique, compliments. “After looking at these photos I can see why they hired you. You’re so much prettier than the other girls.”
With Twin, the compliment, with a good dose of attention, is usually more than enough to get back into her good graces. But with another girlfriend steamed at me because I didn’t jump for joy or perform a triple axle when informed of the plans for her birthday party (effort was involved when I thought it would be more fun if we just stayed home and had a nice cake), I took no chances because I can only do one fight at a time ( especially with this pushy and more aggressive strain of “modern woman”) so I also pulled out the mea culpa, “When is your next rehearsal? I want to bring freshly baked muffins to you and the other dancers since I rudely slept through your performance.” With that, the fight was over and we moved on to more important things. Here are some highlights from the evening.
1. According to O.J. and N.H.F. (8 and her photography skills, Marja and D3 were also in attendance) the show was entertaining and spicy. For a newbie, Twin more than held her own (no surprise there) .
2. D3 burped, “I want to be a Caburlesque Kitten groupie!” to Twin. Well DUH! Of course you do D3, of course you do. I’m just happy he didn’t try to stuff a $20 bill into any of the ladies undergarments due to the usual venues he attends for live performances…and the company he keeps. But I’m not here for gossip..
3. Marja got a lap dance and then purred that one of the girls solo dances made her want to go home and have sex. No one bothered to tell her that oxygen makes her want to go home and have sex.
4. Twin squeaked this cheer, while onstage “My name is Foxxy, yeah!” "I love to play.... yeah!” "But hold on boys... yeah" “You have to pay!" Good heavens that is racy. Once again I am grateful D3 didn’t rush the stage with a $20. That line was nothing compared to "I like big guns...so blow your load....on my big buns!” Which was actually spat out by another dancer on-stage!!! Twin's new little career would have been shut down, after I pulled her from the show, if I found out she was spewing filth. And I’m serious. “Time to go dear! Get your sh*t!”
Anyway, I’d like to give a special thank you to the universally beloved 8 for taking all the photos you see here in this blog.
& Good Day
I receive so many e-mails that say, "this video is hilarious!" that I seldom find time to watch them all. I received the video above from one of our blog regulars that took it a bit further with, "This DUI video makes me cry I laughed so hard!"
Really? To see if this person could be trusted with knowing what is funny; I have refrained from watching the video and posted it here for your judgment. I'll get around to watching it later today. I'll even give it an added assist by waiting until I'm amped up on sugar and in a good mood from Perv's birthday celebration (We're having four different types of cheesecake. I'm terribly excited. Did I say that already?)
I stopped mentioning birthdays on this blog long ago (It became a burden. There was only so many ways to say Horny Jug-Head Has Birthday or Cock Hungry Concubine Cuts Cake and so on...) but Herbert the Pivert, from TV's, The Family Guy, wanted to wish his protégé, Perv, a happy birthday, so I fell in line. Now that Perv is starting to resemble Sophia from the Golden Girls, No-Nonsense Laura decided we would celebrate, here at the office, with cheesecake.....four different kinds of cheesecake (I'm terribly excited)
Happy Birthday Perv!
So...N.H.F. and I were
I was going to make fun of him here by comparing him to the photo of the puffer fish above, but when I looked on Wikipedia I found out the puffer fish is more than just an idle threat: Puffer fish are the second most poisonous vertebrate in the world, the first being a Golden Poison Frog. The skin and certain internal organs of many tetraodontidae are highly toxic to humans, but nevertheless the meat of some species is considered a delicacy in both Japan (as fugu) and Korea (as bok-uh).
Oh. Comparing our friend to the poisonious puffer would be insulting to the potentially lethal fish. Now, I'll have to come up with something else that is all talk and no action.
I'll be back.
Here's the trailer for the new horror movie, Paranormal Activity. Shot right here in San Diego on a shoestring budget of $12,000-$15,0000 bucks (By comparison, recent low-budget and under performing horror movies, Jennifer's Body and Sorority Row cost 16 million and 12.5 million respectively), Paranormal, a movie that asks and eerily answers, "What happens while we are sleeping?" has received some good reviews and is supposed to be very, very scary.
"I don't know why but the I look at this and think 'Honey Molasses'" That's what I said to Twin when she showed me this shot from her latest photo shoot. I think that would have been a better stage name for her than Foxxy Bella! Anyway, she wants me to remind you that she is performing in a burlesque show tomorrow at U-31 in the inner city (North Park) so you should come see her as being on stage is the one of the few occasions where she can get anything close to the amount of attention she craves. Although she's hateful and spiteful (We were walking around yesterday and she looked down at my feet and spat, "Those are some ugly flip-flops! As a matter of fact those are some ugly feet! You need a pedicure! There is nothing cute about you from the ankle down!"), I'll be there to support her if I don't turn into a pumpkin. There will be some other blog regulars in attendance too, but I don't think Dave Rude will be one of them.....
Twin: (squeakily interrupting while Dave Rude is talking football with ten other guys at O.J.'s) Dave, I’m dancing Tuesday night, will you come see me?
Rude: Are you going to be topless?
Did you see this? If not, you missed out.
Two weeks ago I declared that Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia was the funniest show on television. Then, I changed my mind and declared that The Office was the funniest show on television, because the first two episodes of this season have been so damn funny, while Sunny's second outing was a bit creaky (although not as creaky, nor uneven, as an average episode of HBO's flailing Entourage). Now here comes Family Guy with a brilliant season premiere where Stewie and Brian get stuck in the "Multiverse". If this level of quality is sustained Family Guy will leap frog over both Sunny and the Office to take the funniest show on television crown...unless the Emmy winning 30 Rock comes out swinging when it debuts. Sigh. My attempts to whittle my television viewing down to only 3 shows per week is NOT WORKING*.
Here's a the full episode of last nights Family Guy
*I'm getting flat out owned. With Dexter (words can't express my joy of that season premiere), the steadily improving Californication, The Office/30 Rock, Family Guy, Always Sunny, dumb Survivor (Sigh. I tried to get out but NHF has found creative ways to keep me in) and Top Model (I tried to get out but Tyra Banks has found creative ways to keep me in), I am at 7 television shows per week! EEEEEK. I'm determined to get it down to 4 so this could be bloody. As always, I don't include the Real Housewives of Atlanta as that is not a mere show, but a cultural experience.
Disclaimer: I had originally submitted a weekly entry based off a new recession phenomenon “The Lunch Buddy”, but my lunch-date whoring was even too much for the original meal ticket slut (Miss T) to publish without risk of turning this blog into a real life powder keg. So instead, enjoy this Friday* penguin themed blog with a sense of melancholy for what might have been.
Lately, I’ve spent a little too much time over at F**k You, Penguin. Not the newest baby in the blogosphere, FU, Penguin has graduated to hardcover recently, featured at both Amazon and Barnes & Noble. In a little over a year, blog author Matthew Gasteier has taken his weekly musings and turned them into an Internet addiction. The writing is witty, amusing, and turns the spiteful bitterness of a lonely blogger on the most hapless of victims - baby penguins, kittens, pandas, and gerenuks. Not unlike someone we know right here, only with better writing and less finger-wagging sass…
And in newest of penguin news, the YouTube leak of Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” rehearsal footage has set the dance world buzzing with his original new move “The Penguin”. A bit Tourette’s syndrome meets bad white-guy dancing, MJ was set to debut “The Penguin” as his 2009 answer to the moonwalk. Would it have caught on before his untimely demise? I certainly hope not.
Check out his spastic flailing at 00:12 to see exactly what the future could have held in store for us. In a crowded gay bar, this move is also deemed “The Turbo Reach Around” or “Krazy-Kim Ass Smack and Run” for the heteros…
*Yes we are aware this is Monday. Happily for a very few and tragically for the majority; there will be two editions of Rants, Rambling and Red wine this week since the cock-hungry Marja was too busy daydreaming about bone to submit this puff piece before her deadline. Not surprisingly, she did so without fear of reprimand from the Editor In Chief as rumor has it she's blowing him for favors. -T
Hi loyal readers, its your favorite Editor in Chief here, NHF. I know I'm a couple months behind on letters, but that is simply because our own blog author T has been doing a great job at providing pointless drivel, updated almost daily, and somehow manages to make it entertaining (something that still eludes me).
The topic of this letter is an obscure one, but chances are, you've heard of it. The p90x workout.
I have facebook friends touting its effectiveness, and most recently I spent a good portion of a birthday dinner for DZ, aka Peanut Head Dave, discussing its merits. First off, the program is costly. Around $150 just for the videos, and much much more if you buy into their line of supplements and other workout aids. DZ appropriately called the entire program "Jane Fonda for Men" just before announcing his intention shell out for the entire program!
As a service to TWL readers, I'll give you all the information you need right here, skip the program, skip the supplements. Here's what you need to do to get the beach body you've always wanted:
Exercise regularly - this means break a sweat, get your heart rate up, and incorporate some sort of resistance training 3-5 times per week)
Eat healthy - this means eat the appropriate amount of calories for your size. If you are T sized, this is around 3500 calories, if you are Emo sized this is closer to 2000. Avoid sugars, particularly refined ones found in processed foods and soft drinks. Avoid saturated fats, especially fried foods and hydrogenated oils.
That's really all you need, if you want help with exercises and building a routine, as a fit friend, or hire a trainer, worst case, buy a cheap book. The science behind weight loss hasn't changed in thousands of years. Eat fewer calories than you burn per day and you weight will go down, guaranteed.
Special shout out to T, who has been getting compliments left and right for his noticeable weight loss. For the few years I've known him, the running joke was his weight, a source of constant teasing and militant style policing of ever bite of food consumed thanks to Mik. The script has been flipped, he's now chastising others for what they eat (who would have ever thought that day would come!) and routinely dominating others on and off the tennis court.
While I'm on my soapbox, I'd also like to remind you all to maintain your tires, if not for your own safety, then for the safety of all others on the road!
Disclaimer: Photos for this blog were selected by T after he got grossed out by the editor's dumb, meat-headed selections. For those wishing to see the Editor's original pics please click here and here.
When Twin squeaked, "I've got a photo shoot in San Francisco. I want to model some lingerie for you so you can tell me if it is cute." I raised an eyebrow and asked, "What kind of shoot is this?" She said, "Oh, it will be tasteful, it's by the same photographer that did the shots of me as a desperate housewife." That kept me quiet as I loved those photos. Well the shots are here and...I LOVE THEM! Twin has on more clothes here than she does on an average day and the kitty is covered. Also, no one told me that Angela The Blow Up Doll was participating too! That was a nice surprise.
By the way, Twin is performing at U31 in North Park this upcoming Tuesday the 29th at 10.30PM. It is her debut performance as a Caburlesque Kitten named, Foxxy Bella, so (sigh) I will be there if I manage not to turn into a pumpkin.
My special and tasteful, "You'll Never Know Where I'll Be" Tennis trophy that will be handed out in instances of tennis trounce and upset. Right now this trophy is, deservedly, held by me.
I may be traumatized but obviously not too traumatized to deliver some hurt on the courts. After warming up earlier in the week by shutting down Twin (6-3, 6-2 on Mon, then 6-2, 6-1 on Tues) I roughed up Emo on the courts in a blood-letting yet decisive 6-3, 6-4 grudge match yesterday. Somewhere, Beefy-Jon is grateful he is away on a secret mission so he was spared the humiliation. While Twin and I are more evenly matched than our scores suggest (We are both amateurs and kinda suck, but each game is never given up easily, she cheats, and you hear the word "Deuce!" coming from our courts more than any other), Emo should be ashamed of himself because when he is "on" there is very little I can do but prance around the courts, in a futile attempt to return his lobs, like I have a tennis skirt on. BUT, he is easily rattled and once I successfully did so, by being everywhere at once, he got owned. The second match was particularly satisfying because he was up 3-0 before I shook his ass up, started humming, "The Eye of the Tiger", (Some of the thanks goes to N.H.F., my personal Myagi, as he popped into my head to remind me of what he told me earlier that day, "You better win. Emo needs to get checked, he's getting cocky!") and came back to win 6-4. It was particularly satisfying when he got so angry and flustered that he hit a ball at me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It was only then that I allowed myself one, tasteful, yet deliciously evil smirk (as it is uncouth to gloat during tennis).
Bonus Blogging: Day of Indignity
I need to go easier on Emo though. Twas not the first owning he suffered that day. No, that would be the drawing below, done by his girlfriend, The Black Widow, for her art class....
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Tube Head Alert!! When The Black Widow (who, after this incident, I am convinced is killing him slowly) asked if it looked like Emo, I told the truth, "Sure, if he mated with Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off!"
Tube head Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Whew! Who knew that all this humiliation and laughter at the expense of others would be so instrumental in helping me heal.
So yesterday I opened my mail-box to find this issue of Maxim stuffed inside. I thought, "A masturbatory aid for chaps. This must be a mistaken delivery or ordered by that horny Elf. Won't he be surprised to learn that they seldom feature women of color! Snort, Chortle!" Then I noticed the magazine was addressed to me! I was worried that I was having those "black-outs" again (they happened frequently during my "lost years" in San Francisco) but then I saw this little note:
I thought it rude. Don't these people know I'm already traumatized? Don't they publish anything with a half-naked Brody Jenner on the cover instead of Audrina? How presumptuous of them! to replace my subscription to the sassy, irreverent, music magazine, Blender (I still remember when HnH Dan dismissed it as a "trendy magazine" after Blender called out the ugly rock band, Rush, for their pretentious lyrics), with this meat-headed tripe that exists solely for exploitation and titillation. It doesn't even come wrapped in a plastic wrapper! What will the neighbors think? September 2010 (the subscription end date) can't come soon enough. In the meanwhile...if you don't think my eyes weren't instantly drawn to the cover blurb, Waitress Sex (Can We Get That To Go?), then you don't know me. I'll be reading that at the ready (as soon as I get it back from the Elf, who snatched it the minute I walked in the door, almost giving me a paper-cut, and said "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"), as well as the feature, 13 Unintentionally Scary Movie Scenes.
May as well make the best of it....
Nikki displays the sort of unrestrained glee that comes only at the triumphant end of a lengthy struggle.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when avowed bachelor, Hot Nerd Brian, announced that he was going to make an honest woman out of Nikki. I hope they appreciate that they have the right to legally wed without bigots, hate-mongers, religious zealots and probably even a few whores blocking their way. But I'm off topic and this is their moment. We have been given the exclusive engagement story from Hot Nerd Brian so without further ado....from HNB himself comes...
Nikki and I are officially engaged as of 6:45PM Mon Sep 21! Sep 21 marked our 2 1/2 year anniversary. We first started locking lips on Mar 21, 2007. Nikki had no clue it was coming. I had been working on the ring for a few weeks and picked it up that Monday afternoon. To celebrate our 2 1/2 years together, we did one of our favorite things that we haven't done for a long time. We picked up some sushi to-go and a bottle of wine, and we went to Sunset Cliffs in OB to watch the sunset. I drop the back seat in my SUV, and we chill there listening to music, eating sushi, drinking wine, and watching the sunset. This place happened to be the first place where I told Nikki that I love her, so it holds some meaning to us. Just as the sun was touching the horizon, this is what I said to Nikki: "This is the first place that I said I Love You, and this is now the first place where I called you my fiance." She looked very confused as I reached into the cargo pocket of my shorts and produced the ring. "Nikki, will you marry me?" Still in shock, she grabbed me and starting making out with me...eventually she said "yes!" She's blown away by the size of the ring. I did MUCH better on the ring than she thought I would! :-)
Malnourished Chelsea is almost six feet tall and she's getting married (we met her fiancee at last years Christmas party and he's shorter than she is, but hot) because she is legally able to do so because bigots and hate-mongers aren't standing in her way. Anyway, some of the ladies in the office decided to have a surprise shower for her and forced the rest of us to contribute cash for a gift. They decided to have it on our stretching/yoga day so the normally cute and well-dressed Chelsea showed up looking rough! HAHAHHAHAHA!!! As I told you here, I was going to use this situation to get photos of Bottom Boy (a hot but gaping bottom that I may try to top in our storage room if time permits) but I took two photos before my camera stopped working! I thought it was broken but turns out the batteries were just dead. Luckily for me, Linda (the Asian Oprah) took photos, and I anxiously awaited for them to arrive. They did this morning and I scrolled through them, hoping she got a pic of Bottom Boy so I could share it with you and the answer is....sorta.
Perv and company. Her received her name because I could never remember her name and when I asked Perv he would say, "oh, HER" with disdain. Felomina is Filipino so.... Also of note, Goofy Ass Alan (so uncomfortable in his own skin its painful to watch) is also half-Filipino but Perv and I actually got into an argument because, despite Alan's obviously Asian eyes, Perv insisted he was Mexican. As he did previously with the the white mom/black dad Ethyl (also shown above). I've since figured Perv is confused by the yellowing, melting pot that this nation is becoming (I call it the "Mariah Carey Syndrome") so his default is to simply label all questionables as "Mexican".
Oh boy. Bigger Chris (6'6" wide) came to the shower in desperate need OF a shower. He smelled like an over-heated Woolly Mammoth that had just trekked cross-country in high temperatures. I turned to No-Nonsense Laura, with tears in my eyes, and said, "Seriously?" He needs a "sit-down" but I don't want him to get pissed at me so I'm going to mention to tell his buddy, Big Chris (6'6" tall and one of the nicest persons on earth) to check his funky friend as it is rude to the rest of us.
In a picture that captures none of his hotness but all of his ever present scowl (his popularity has plummeted here at the office and I fear he won't last long enough for me to seduce and then bottom him), here's Bottom Boy. He normally wears skin tight Polo's or V-neck T-shirts with plunging necklines, but tragically decided to remain hidden under an ugly, not cute, grama-sweater on this day. I plan on replacing that ever present scowl with a lusty grin if I decide to top him behind the trash dumpsters out back (as soon as I'm not so busy). Also seen here is Hippy Girl, a Chemist who is so pleasant and flowery (she is wearing a shirt today that says "Peace") that she always seems stoned.
Although you may not have a good pic of Bottom Boy but we have video of his famous sashay! Special thanks to No-Nonsense Laura for suggesting I get out my camera to get a video of Dumb-Judy hunched over and sleeping at her desk (it was really, really funny) and while I fumbled about and was too slow to capture it, all was not lost as Bottom Boy sashayed by with his morning coffee! I had no time for sound effects so simply say "sashaaaaay" whenever he walks through the frame.
The seemingly ageless Mimi Carey. This was poached off TMZ.com
Besides looking cute and noticeably thinner; I have nothing to contribute to society today. After a small uptick yesterday, thanks to Twin who demanded that I, “Stop whining and get over it. Whaa Whaa Whaa. You got a ticket and had a distressing lunch that you brought on yourself. Did you really need to write a blog about it?” my recent ordeals have proved too overwhelming to suppress, so once again I'm knee-deep in the throes of post-traumatic stress syndrome. This morning, during my "vulnerable time" (a state of emotional fragility that occurs for 15-30 minutes each morning after I've sipped a bit of my morning coffee) I almost cried after reading about all the horrible things that are going on in the world on CNN.com. After that, about the only thing I was able to accomplish today was some web-surfing on gossip sites and a little You-Tubing. I thought Facebook would too provide a safe harbor, only to discover that one of my old friends is having a public, messy, and online nervous breakdown via Facebook, as I sit here too traumatized by recent events to reach out to her and offer a helping hand. Anyway, life goes on and in the interest of keeping this blog updated, I’ve poached a couple of pictures from TMZ.com, and a True Blood based, YouTube video.
As was this collage of new-90210 actress, Jamie Lynn McCord, that shows she is in desperate need of a new shtick.
This video adds a laugh track to True Blood's gloriously cheesy and over the top dialogue, and mock-spins it off into a sitcom titled, "At Merlotte's"
If you're not a fan of True Blood, seemingly ageless crooners with bouncy curls, or stuck in a rut starlets...then I have nothing for you.
EW's write up on Macy Gray's debut on Dancing With The Stars is a hoot: ''I feel like I really busted my cherry, you know?'' That's what Macy Gray said after her first time dancing at the famed Planet Mirrorballus stampede rodeo.
Macy Gray has always seemed a little off (Jonathan politely called her ''eccentric''), but I thought maybe I kept catching her at the wrong, shall we say ''enhanced,'' times. But no, she's just always like this. It's like she was conceived and then developed within the comforting chamber of a magical womb bong, and has somehow managed to make that one massive hit last a lifetime. She could turn out to be my favorite contestant ever.
Update: Shocking no one, Macy was the first lady eliminated.
Watch Macy's debut dance here. I did and burst out laughing. Not as funny was indicted felon, Dumb Tom Delay, pawing hot and precious professional dancer, Cheryl Burke, during his performance. YouTube...both blessing and curse.
Hopefully this will be replaced with an actual photo of The New Guy soon. We are having a special lunch today to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my malnourished co-worker, Chelsea, so I'll have an excuse to walk around and snap photos!
So...with the possible exception of tiny triathlete Andrew, Big Chris, Larry and the aging but still somewhat hot Scott, the men that work at this office are BUSTED with a capital B. Even the people I listed as exceptions are simply normal looking folks that benefit from being in close proximity to Ugly Mark and Goofy-Ass Alan. So last week when I heard my beloved Linda (2nd in command of the company, so well loved she's like an Asian Oprah), chirp, "T, I'd like you to meet our newest employee, Rob, who'll be working in our Organics dept." I glanced up expecting yet another beat-up, broke-down and busted chemist with dandruff on his glasses. You could almost hear me getting rigid about the pants when a square-jawed, thick lipped, olive skinned hunk with really good hair reached out his hand (revealing a bulging set of biceps in the process) and said, "Nice to meet you." Caught off guard, I said something really cheesy and stupid (I don't remember, I just remember groaning afterwards) and later bemoaned the fact that the entire office dynamics had changed now that something hot had been introduced. He probably won't last long. The last doable guy here was in and out so fast (I think he lasted a month) that he left a picture of him and his girlfriend on his desk, which Perv placed on my desk, and where it still sits to this day, just because its so damn funny. Anyway, on the way home this convo took place:
T: The new guy is hot. I want him to choke me.
Perv: Oh. I don't like him. He looks snotty. I passed him in the hallway and he turned his nose up. He's definitely gay and a bottom.
Perv: Yup, geigh....and a gaping bottom.
T: Well thats good news and bad news. I'll guess I'll have try and top him.
The next day, The New Guy came to our stretching yoga class and didn't so much as walk but he actually sashayed across the floor on his way to take his shoes off. I thought, "Wow. That was some sashay. Perv was right." The next day, I overheard The New Guy girlishly complaining to Full-Time April about office supplies (he needed a specific type of pen/pencil carousel, a certain type of mouse pad w/ wrist gel support, and other specifics). When he finished, Full-Time April walked over to me and said, "You know, after dealing with The New Guy, I will never call you difficult or annoying again." Uh-oh. The deadly high maintenance AND gaping bottom combo. That's probably more bottom than I'm able to handle, with my limited experience, and I could get sucked in and disappear into a dark and lonely cavern. I think I'll have to let this one go, however fine.
I did a quick scan through my photos on Picasa and here's what I found. If a regular is not included here it does not mean they aren't smizing. These are the photos that jumped out at me on a quick glance. If you are concerned if you are smizing properly or not, contact me and I'll be sure to let you know.
Tier A: Super Smizers
Tier 2: On their way to Super-Smize status with a little coaching.
Tier 3: Smizing Hall of Shame
After: The Natalie, seen here with Stavvy and her parents at Cowboy Star on Saturday night, looked cute and wasn't annoying. I should have known something was wrong with the alignment of the universe.
The Natalie rolled into town over the weekend so we rolled to Cowboy Star with D3, Stavvy and her parents. You should sit for this. The Natalie looked much better, was beyond pleasant, not annoying, and actually offered comfort after I got the traumatic rolling stop ticket. Obviously, her move to Sacramento has been good for her and needed to happen.
Ok, that's enough. You know when I have no sarcastic quips for The Natalie...my spirit is broken.
Before: The Natalie Vista. Busted and annoying.