Open Letter From Kinsey

Hello Everyone!!!

I am in second place after being in first for 2 weeks. Please vote everyday so I can be first:) The contest ends in a week. Have a great Monday!!! Thanks everybody!!! xoxox

Kinsey

Vote for her here

Example In Lost Composure

You're a reporter for crying out loud! Get a hold of yourself!

Monday Morning Exploitation

A seemingly innocent trip to the pool with me on Sunday means I will objectify and exploit you on Monday. I didn't even think to bring my camera, but my cellular proved to take some passable pictures. The girls were grateful, as pictures taken with my camera are of high-quality and easily blown up by perverts seeking a better view for masturbatory purposes or catty, hateful bitches hoping to find fault with the exploited.


Twin, Sonya the Grouch, and Stavvy pose for me after I truthfully barked, "Go stand over there and pose so I can exploit and objectify you!" Let's give a hand to Twin for keeping the kitty covered as she did not have one bikini malfunction all day. I think that was a first.


I was trying to show Sonya the Grouch a photo and accidentally took this exploitative pic. Sonya the Grouch confessed to me that she keeps it tight because she likes to lure younger men into her web. She also confessed that she can't stand men, in general and thinks they are dumb and gross, but is sexually attracted to them. I was riveted by Sonya's unbridled bitchiness.


Jolene, on the left, has a sugary attitude that is the exact opposite of Sonya's piss and vinegar. Yes, she was named after the Dolly Parton song and I am unable to resist singing,"Jolene Jolene Jolene Joleeeeeeeeeene, don't take my man just because you can!" whenever I see her. Jolene is shown here with her buxom buddy, Barbarella.


And as you can clearly see, the 5'10" Barbarella is not to be trifled with.


I'm out of time and must bounce. This has been Monday Morning Explotation.

Good Day.

White Swap

English Version

The Huffington Post has a story here about Microsoft substituting a white man for a black man in an online ad in Poland. According to the article; A black man was replaced with a white man in a Microsoft online advertisement intended for use in Poland. An Asian man in the ad apparently made the cut, and appeared in both the Polish and stateside versions of the ad.

I was VERY offended because they actually use the phrase, "Empower Your People". Otherwise I could not have cared less. I'm big on "empowerment" these days and don't want the word sullied by association with scandal. Microsoft has since apologized, according to CNET: We are looking into the details of this situation," a Microsoft representative told CNET News. "We apologize and are in the process of pulling down the image."

Polish Version. Brotha go bye-bye but he is now missing an arm and hand because they kept it. They also kept the Asian because we all know, with the exception of Dumb-Judy, Asians are brilliant on the computer.

When I told the Editor I was going to write a blog about this unpleasant situation, he sent me this picture of an oft-delayed marketing technique. I could name five of the 9 rap artists displayed.

Ok, I'm off to find other things to be offended about.

Good Day.

The Field Trip

Music to my precious ears....

No-Nonsense Laura received invite to participate in a taste test/opinion survey at Rubio's Innovation Center (pretentious alert!) and she invited me along after her buddy, Full-Time April, opted out. I don't mind being second choice (I've spent a life-time of it. I only get upset when I slide into fourth or fifth.) but NNL should have invited me in the first place as she knows that a free lunch, followed by an actual invitation for me to throw in my two cents, where I do not have to hold back and be as honest as possible, is as pleasurable as it gets for me without having an actual orgasm. When we arrived at the Rubio's Innovation Center office building, someone greeted us with, "Are you here for the sensory panel?" (HAHHAHAHA! Super pretentious alert!), and we somehow managed not to laugh in her face. Then we were led into a room with six Rubio style tables, where people of medium attractiveness were seated, with one wall that was an obvious two way mirror (Weird. I guess they want to watch your expressions as you eat.). When they started bringing out the fish-tacos and street-tacos for us to sample, I asked No-Nonsense, "Where da kitchen at? Why don't I smell any food cooking? Where are they bringing those in from?" She told me not to worry about that and just eat.


No-Nonsense Laura furiously fills out the survey after taste testing.

Anyway, we had two sets of each taco and then were asked which one we preferred. We were also asked to give our two cents on the taste, quality, appearance, and if we would actually recommend it or order it for ourselves. I don't eat at Rubio's (I don't even know where to find one!), but I'll tell you this; those fish tacos were so good I almost knocked out No-Nonsense so I could take her's. The tiny ass street tacos were nothing to sneeze at either, as the carnitas was tender and full of flavor. Too bad I would never order them because the form also included the price for each item, $1.69 for one raggedy ass street taco and $5.99 for two fish tacos with some dry rice and beans. This is where we had problems and I let them know about it. That street taco should be on the dollar menu (if not 2 for $1) and the two fish tacos should cost about $4.49. I also let them know that although the food was excellent, I truly doubted that a fast-food chain could maintain this kind of consistency during lunch or dinner rush hours.


Not pictured: the cupcakes.

After I'd vented my sexual frustrations in the form of bitching at the Rubio's sensory panel, we stopped at the Carlsbad Costco (you would have sworn there was a sign on the door that said "whites only" it was so minority free) to pick up August celebratory birthday cake (Yup, seems just like yesterday that we celebrated the July birthdays. Its true what they say about time going faster the older you get.), milk, and creamer for our ugly and ungrateful co-workers. Since I seldom get to leave the office, or "compound" as I call it, once I'm at work, you would have sworn I was at Disneyland the way I carried on in that Costco, gawking at the prices and marveling at the huge aisles. I told No-Nonsense, "This has been so much fun. I feel like a school kid on a field trip with a signed permission slip in my back pocket!"

I know...I should get out more.

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

photo credit: Matteo S.

I call this, Blow Up & Big Brat

Stavvy at Stripper Convention

Stavvy, a young lass that I can only assume has back issues, and American Pie actress, Jennifer Coolidge, at the stripper convention.

Stavvy, for booze-shilling related purposes, attended the 17th Annual Gentlemen’s Club Owners Expo at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. In other words, a stripper convention. She has promised to send me more photos so I may update this post later but I just have one question....

did anyone tell D3?

A Blog First: Food as Buzz-kill

In the very same issue that they report the average American life expectancy has risen to an all time high of 78 years, Time Magazine drops this nugget of buzz-kill:

Somewhere in Iowa, a pig is being raised in a confined pen, packed in so tightly with other swine that their curly tails have been chopped off so they won't bite one another. To prevent him from getting sick in such close quarters, he is dosed with antibiotics. The waste produced by the pig and his thousands of pen mates on the factory farm where they live goes into manure lagoons that blanket neighboring communities with air pollution and a stomach-churning stench. He's fed on American corn that was grown with the help of government subsidies and millions of tons of chemical fertilizer. When the pig is slaughtered, at about 5 months of age, he'll become sausage or bacon that will sell cheap, feeding an American addiction to meat that has contributed to an obesity epidemic currently afflicting more than two-thirds of the population. And when the rains come, the excess fertilizer that coaxed so much corn from the ground will be washed into the Mississippi River and down into the Gulf of Mexico, where it will help kill fish for miles and miles around. That's the state of your bacon — circa 2009.


Your life expectancy: 78 years. During which time you will most likely contribute to this little fellas life expectancy of 5 months. That's not the issue here, as we're talking organically grown food, but I just wanted to throw in a little guilt or depress you.

The depressing article (available online here), goes on to state that we simply must switch to organically grown vegetables and meat for our health and the health of the environment. Unfortunately, the organic industry accounts for 1% of food production (eeeek!) and those prices are reflected in the grocery bill (the graphic below was available in the actual magazine, but not online, so I scanned it for you, as a courtesy).

Good heavens. That's a lotta extra dough to eat healthy. Truth be told; I'm a part-time advocate for the organic food movement, and deliberately look for organic products while at the market. I would prefer to be a full time advocate but if you think I'm passing up Chicken breasts that are on-sale for $1.99 per lb, for its pricier organic cousin, then we've obviously never met. I can only entertain this organic movement because I don't have any kids to feed. If I did, you best believe that they would be fat, full of pesticides and daddy would not give a f*ck. I would rely on modern medicine to keep them living until the ripe old life expectancy of 78, as we regularly rolled through the Burger King drive-thru, where they would be told to not even think of ordering anything that was not on the dollar menu, or daddy would slap their bloated, chemically-ridden hands.

What I'm saying is there is a big up-hill battle ahead in the move to organic foods. I apologize to all those looking for snap-shots of a meal I have gobbled down (the beloved food porn) and instead received this Debbie-downer.

Good Day

Competition Ends The Stavvy Chuck Cuddle-Fest, Keeps BJ From Becoming Cuckold

Liddell practices his Quick-Step with pro dancer, Anna Trebunskaya .

When news broke that Beefy-Jon's arch nemesis, the busted and brutish ex-UFC Champion, Chuck Liddell, would be a contestant on the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars, I breathed a sigh of relief because that means he'll be in Los Angeles practicing instead of in Vegas...


...getting much too close for comfort with Stavvy while making toolish hand-gestures. Whew! Dodged that bullet (possibly literally). Instead of pawing and man-handling Stavvy, Chuck will be competing against....


contestants like my beloved and seldom sober Macy Gray (Although I want Chuck to stay on the show, and away from Stavvy, as long as possible; Macy is getting my vote no matter how bad she trots...I simply love the woman), stupid conservative Tom DeLay who will be putting his gross hands all over that sex-pot pro Cheryle Burke, Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne and Debi Mazar from the increasingly uneven Entourage. Yes, they continue to call the show, Dancing with the Stars. In the words of the great Chloris Leachman, "For God's sake will somebody punch me so I can see some stars!"

Good Luck Chuck. I leave you with this....

Beefy-Jon's Nightmare: What could have been.

Good Day

The High Cost of "Pwned"

This was a rare treat in the plethora of lame "owned" pics on Google image search.

Yesterday morning, while I was writing my Owned Sanctuary post below; I did a google image search for some "owned" or "pwned" images and was surprised to find there aren't very many funny ones out there. N.H.F. has actually done much funnier images in the comments section. Anyway, that search led me to to a news-story about a dentist that got three years probation for shoving a woman to the ground (quite forcefully, mind you, she actually rolls so watch that video with caution) over a parking spot (I still don't know how searching for "owned" images led to that item, the path of the Internet works in mysterious ways), and that search led me to YouTube and the road rage video below. Although it is ripe with unbecoming behavior, laced with profanity and even a spot of spitting; I am embarrassed to admit, I burst out laughing at about the 1:24 mark, and then watched the video again because, at the end of the day, baby likes a good comeuppance.

Good Day

Match Game: Call Us In 10 years

These photos of a preening, obviously trying to flex as if his life depended on it, and loving the attention, Zac Efron, were taken while filming his latest movie, The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud. While teenage girls and most gays probably lost their sh*t, our more grizzled crew of regulars and commenters, with the exception of one, were more reserved. Let's play a fun game of match the quote with the appropriate cock physique enthusiast.

A) omg..WOW! I'd hop on his face and call it a day.
B) What the hell happened? Is he on steroids? Is he even legal? I would molest him, as I'm not getting any, despite the girlish highlights in his hair.
C) U can see his pubes n package! His face is scary weird but hot body.
D) Looks like kiddie porn. I much prefer the food porn you've been featuring lately. Maybe its because I'm getting some on the regular.

Who said what? 1) Twin 2) T 3) Donna D 4) Marja
Answers below....


Here, while standing next to normal people, I realize how minuscule he must be! He could be our next Tom Cruise if only straight men did not take an instant dislike to him.

Carry on....

Answers: 1) A, 2) B, 3) C, 4) D (Guess I should have mixed that up a bit)

Gross Moments in Film

Despite the inclusion of gory, Nazi scalpings; I can't wait to see Inglourious Basterds. It's directed by Quentin Tarantino so we know it will be good but gross.

Entertainment Weekly describes their, Watching the Unwatchable: 16 'Dare You To Look' Scenes pictorial, as thus, With ''Inglourious Basterds'' pulping Nazis on the big screen, we look back at some films -- ''A Clockwork Orange,'' ''Marathon Man,'' ''Pulp Fiction'' -- with parts it almost killed us to look at. Warning: Not Safe for Lunch

I'd almost forgotten how A Clockwork Orange left me shaken for days. I stopped reading the article when they get to the fingernail mangling scene in Syriana. I'm quite squeamish when it comes to matters of compromised fingernails.

Good Day

In theory...the Empowerment Zone was a really good idea. Unfortunately, all that patting of the back and yapping on about taking a stand only held up in cyberspace. In reality...well...good heavens.

Still, I won't quibble on that. I'll need just a moment to lick my wounds so I'll be declaring this as a temporary "OWNED" zone. Those that bought into my "empower yourself" bluster from yesterday, only to find their wings clipped as they were verbally roughed up and/or bullied by expressive thuggery, are welcome to huddle here with me for comfort. Those wishing to ridicule us, during this recuperative period, are kindly asked to hit the “next blog” button above and leave us in peace with what dignity we have left.

Good Day

And don't you ever forget it!

I've heard some great stories of self-empowerment today (and I've got my own!) so those of you that have finally grabbed the bull by the horns and empowered yourself in areas where it was sorely needed, spend a moment here with me, in cyber-space, and lets pat ourselves on the back. Its like a really good episode of Oprah up in here.

If you are spineless and still not sticking up for yourself when you know you need to be...please hit "next blog" at the top of this page and leave us in peace.

Good Day

Fun With Fast Food

1. In-N-Out Burger's 2x4, Animal Style

All this talk of dieting made me hungry so I perused through Details magazines pictorial of the Best Fast Food In America: 25 Best Things to Order at the Drive-thru. Now mind you, I do NOT eat fast food often as I think most of it is gross. But I would love to destroy an In-N-Out Burger if I weren't so stubborn about not eating fast food. I'll also keep it real and tell that if I lived in the ghetto, and had a Popeye's chicken in closer proximity....well......


2. Chick-fil-A's Chicken Sandwich


3. Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen's Spicy Bonafide Chicken

That's all. I'm not only hungry, its just been some time since I've thrown some food porn on this blog

No...This is NOT OK!

When the newest issue of OK! arrived in the mail with a melon-head Sherri Shephard on the cover; I was stricken with the same terror I felt when Oprah lost all that weight.


It just didn't look right. It looks like she was assembled from various, mis-matched body parts...like Frankenstein's Monster. I'm proud of Sherri, but when you have a big head, like me, you have to be responsible on the proper attire, when losing weight, so one does not look like a chubby lollipop.


Why didn't OK! put this more easily digested photo on the cover? See more photos of a bikini clad Sherri here.


Although it was free, I almost cancelled my subscrition until I saw the following>>>

HAHAHHAHA! Anytime dumb, peanut-head gets owned I enjoy it. Still, I want to know the stupid 10% that picked Justin over Brad as bigger biker badass!??!?! That big sissy JT probably cries when he falls and scrapes his knee. Maybe his mom voted multiple times.

And I love his photo of 51 year old Madonna with her black children (that poor baby appears to be thinking, "They plucked me from the bush and plopped me in my new mommy's boy-toy's lap. Help!") and her absurdly hot, less than half her age hunk of a man, Jesus Luz (That man is so fine my teeth ache from looking at him. If I could have him for just one afternoon of delight, the neighbors would think there was a Gospel Church Revival in my apartment, and that I'd been gripped by the Holy Ghost, from all the thumping about and celebrating, mixed with gutteral cries of "Ooooooooooooooooooh thank you Jesus! Oh God! Oh God! Ooooooooooooooooooh thank you Jesus!"). Only Madonna I tell you. She has never, ever given a f*ck about what anyone thinks and she's not about to start now.

But I'll tell you something...Madonna will finally start looking her age when her daughter Lourdes, who is almost 13 (a bit young for nail polish, if you ask me, but no one did), starts dating. This one is going to be a handful.

You heard it here first.

Know Your Meme

Alisha the belly-dancer stopped gyrating long enough to send me the video above. It is from You Tube's Know Your Meme collection and features my pick from last season of Top Model, pop-eyed Allison. If you are at work, please refrain from watching more of the Know Your Meme videos until you get home. Marja says they are HIGHLY addictive.

Good Day

Outed: The Jerome Furniture Guy

While having brunch in a restaurant of the homosexual variety, to celebrate the birth of Jesse (a.k.a. 2-Cock Shakur...don't ask unless you really want to know), I glanced at the bar and said, "Holy crap! There's the guy from the Jerome Furniture television advertisements. He's on a date with another man! He's obviously straight for pay." Thankfully, before anyone could offer insult such as "You need to get out more (and I do)," Esteban (2-Cock Shakur's gossipy and bitchy best friend) confirmed, "Yeah, that's him." Revealing that I wasn't the only person that gets a kick out of watching low-budget, locally made commercials (and I do). Later, Twin told me that she lay in wait for this moment: After the Jerome furniture guy was seated with his date; Twin and I were finished with brunch and were headed out of the door when she shrieked, "OMIGOD! You're the Jerome's Furniture guy! OMIGOD! I want to take a picture with you!" I wish I could have captured the stunned "What the f*ck?" look on that guys face as he mouthed, "You've GOT to be kidding me? How in the world did you recognize me? But yeah it's me." You could tell that, although slightly embarrassed, this scene made his whole year and made him feel like he was somebody (and he is...so are you, even if I don't like you.).


It took every ounce of my energy to steady the camera, and not to burst out laughing, as Twins excitable, over-the-top performance was so believable she almost fooled me into thinking she was excited to see him. After we snapped this photo; we ran into the Jerome Furniture guy, and his date, again outside (we even honked and waved good-bye as they were getting into their vehicle, you could tell they were thinking, "Them two aint right in the head"--and we aren't). Luckily, one of his commercials is on YouTube, I've posted it here, as a courtesy. Our straight for pay buddy simply brings it on his one line, "And we can get it....tonight?" Awesome. You can catch several more of his ads (like Tom and Jane Shop Online, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for "Tom Comes Out of The Custom Made Closet" ) at the Jerome Furniture web-site here.

Vegas Gambles on Comeback

This interesting cover-story, contained in "ahem" last week's issue of Time Magazine, the writer chronicles the struggles of Vegas and its residents since the real estate bust. Since this issue will be pulled off of newsstands and grocery stores today (I'm a bit behind on my reading) I've provided a link to the article here, and scanned in some interesting, "by the numbers" below, as a courtesy.


Those thinking of moving to Vegas....use caution. Those visiting for the weekend, please tip the locals heavily.

I'm here to help.

A Boy and His Bong

The original CD and somewhat doctored liner notes.

So... Emo was the singer/songwriter of a tormented rock band called AGaNG, which he started with his best friend when they were teenagers. Despite the dumb name and an ugly bass player, the band achieved some local success, got a little radio airplay, opened for Rise Against and toured for two (or three) years before Emo quit due to "exhaustion*” I told Emo I felt bad for the remaining band members so he assured me that some of them continue to tour in a new band with a new lead singer. I decided not to mention that the reason I felt so bad for them was because they were all so busted, and just left it at that, as I was too busy enjoying stories of his days on the road. Like how there was never any food, but always lots of drugs, and how the pressures of touring would lead to rumbles within the band. Like the time the bass player fed Emo's childhood best friend, Adumb, the lead guitarist, a knuckle sandwich in the parking lot. Then there are the stories of the tramp groupies that would sleep with the guys, even though they would go days without showering while touring, after they sweat profusely onstage night after night. Gross. Anyway, I was thrilled to finally get a chance to hear some of Emo’s band’s music after his mum sent two CD's she's been holding onto. Well.....



a poignant missive to Pebbles the pipe

....my ears still hurt from all that racket and clap-trap. Good heavens they were quite the noisy punk band. Of the 11 songs (spread over two CD's) of squealing guitars and anguished wailing, there was ONE song that I found tolerable; Nic Broke Pebbles. Emo laughed, "Of course you like that one. All of the girls liked that one. That was our 'soft' song because every band should have one 'soft' song. Listen to the lyrics and then tell me what you think it is about." Well, with lyrics like You let me rip every ounce of feeling from you so I guess we deserve this and I never meant to be so careless with my only piece of perfection as well as If I could have you back I'd light my match to ignite the flames burning inside you, I assumed the song was about two young people, Nic and Pebbles, and they broke up, after Nic popped Pebbles hymen, and the relationship went south. An ode to chastity if you will. Emo corrected me, "The band was stoned 24/7 and Pebbles was my favorite bong. One day our guitar player, Nic, knocked Pebbles off a table and she shattered on the floor. I was devastated so I wrote a song about it." Moved by this unconventional love story (made all the more tragic by the fact that Emo won't even go near bongs, pipes or wacky tobacco anymore), I burned a copy for myself and I've put the song into heavy rotation on my office computer. Although I will confess its a little weird listening to Emo wail through my speakers at work.

As a courtesy, and for your listening enjoyment. I uploaded this tragic, touching song, about a boy and his bong, to this blog.

Good Day.


The bands first CD. Made in 1999 when Emo was an emotive teenage punk with an axe to grind.

*Yes. The same "exhaustion" that befell Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Lindsey Lohan, Mischa Barton and countless others. But lets keep it real. Emo is vain. The first time someone spat, "You look like sh*t!" when the hard living and loose groupies began to wear on him, his days in the band were numbered. He also enjoys his creature comforts. He'd rather wolf down an entire rotisserie chicken, while watching Japanese Animation, in lieu of sleeping in a smelly tour bus after splitting a hamburger four ways with 3 other guys that have not showered.

Paper Dolls: Sookie and Marja

This creative guy here made some paper dolls based on the True Blood characters (so far, only Lafayette, Pam, Bill and Sookie) and I was a little disheartened to see that the clothes for my beloved Sookie are so tacky. True, she spent all of last season and most of this one in a state of badly dressed, but she's rebounded so strongly in the last two weeks I feel I need to say something.


The whip smart white-trench coat she wore for her juicy confrontation with Bill's um..."maker" Lorena, was so absurdly smart it was like the Einstein of trench. It also contrasted well with Lorena's red dress as the two went toe-to-toe over Bill (who became all but inconsequential in this, one of my favorite True Blood scenes ever, thanks to the welcome infusion of "catty" and "bitchy". I love a good cat fight, especially when the opponents are well dressed.)


Then last week, adorable records were broken as a pony-tailed Sookie effortlessly pulled off a pink gingham dress. With two weeks in a row of such versatile looks, I just wish Sookie's paper-doll maker had held off a bit. After all a pink gingham dress is not easy to pull off....just ask someone else who has made much needed and vast improvements in wardrobe lately....

Bonus Blogging: Marja: Tacky No More!

Marja poses with her BFF, Kate. Kate was formerly known as OGBFF (Orange Gay BFF) but he's no longer orange and since he's sporting "The Kate" made famous by John & Kate plus 8 Kate he'll be known as Kate until former notice. Kate just got DUMPED. I mean uncerimounisously DUMPED with such brutality that he is off to Australia for a few weeks to lick his wounds. My heart breaks for him it was such a dumping of epic proportions. I would tell you about it but I fear you would gossip.

When Marja arrived at my apartment looking like she does in the photo above; I almost wept openly. I've mentioned to her recently that she's been dressing better but was worried it was just a fluke. I told her, "You look cute. The hair, the make-up, the dress and especially dem shoes. After years of telling you we should just stay in and watch a movie, because you were so terribly dressed, usually in something pink, I can finally walk into a party with you with my head held high!" Lets take a look at some of Marja's past fashion flops.


When I put this photo on this blog, one of my readers snapped, "What the hell is she wearing? No serious! What the hell is she wearing?!?!?"


Go ahead. Let it out dear. You deserve to sob buckets of tears. I would cry too if I was sitting around in this ugly frock.


Great Scott! How she managed to force a smile in this "putrid in pink" get-up is beyond me. She obviously raided Ivana Trumps wardrobe for this ensemble. It simply SCREAMS "Fifty, divorced and back on the club circuit!"

I don't know about you but I've had enough of these ugly outfits. I actually e-mailed one photo to Marja and let her know that it was simply too tacky to put on the blog. Besides, lets not look back in shame, but rather look forward in hope.

Good Day