Here Kitty Kitty. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Daily Mail reports on the ridiculous story of dumb Riana Van Nieuwenhuizen, a crazy South African woman who lives with 11 orphaned cats. No, not annoying kitty-cats like the old woman on your block that never married, but rather big ass wild animal cats, like Cheetahs. When Riana Van Niewenhuizen (love that name) gets mauled, and she will, I just hope nothing bad happens to the gorgeous cats because it is not their fault that a crazy lady tried to turn them into household tabbys

Just like in the horror movies...the dogs will get it first.

Ticketmaster Masters Art of Making You Pay To Save Them Money

I finally got around to reading the Adam Lambert issue of Rolling Stone and I found the graph(shown below) of where your concert ticket buying money goes to be quite interesting. I love how a $45.50 ticket to a Green Day concert (which seems a somewhat reasonable but still burdensome cost), balloons to a $66 dollar ticket after convenience fees are added (My favorite, a $2.50 "ticket-fast" fee where you are charged to print your own ticket, an act that actually saves Ticketmaster money! HAHAHAHHAHA!!!). As a courtesy for non-subscribers, I scanned it in for you (and a special thank you to Mik Cum Laude, who gave me a Canon printer/scanner for my birthday that has proven quite valuable of late), so click on the graph below, to enlarge it, and marvel along with me at how Ticketmaster has the audacity to charge a $9.50 "convenience" fee right along with a $4.50 "order processing" fee.



Carry on...

Unloved by Mom? You May be Busted.

Time magazine asks, Is an Ugly Baby Harder to Love?

The answer comes in the first paragraph:
Moms might want to hang on to those Mother's Day cards they got last month. There may not be much more familial goodwill forthcoming — at least not after kids get wind of a new study released by Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital and published in the online journal PloS One. Turns out that your mother's feelings for you may not be the unconditional things you always assumed. It's possible, researchers say, that the prettier you were when you were born, the more she loved you.

Ouch. I am more grateful than ever that I was such a beautiful child. Read the rest of the article here.

Vegas: Battle of the Bulged Eye

Twin, Marja, Formerly Known as Zaftig, and birthday girl Krazy-Kim

It all started with such promise...after the riot we had last time in Vegas; I made plans to return for Krazy-Kim's birthday weekend (well, at the time it wasn't Krazy-Kim's birthday weekend yet...that was hoisted upon me later...but I digress)



We had a spacious two bedroom suite right on the strip. With TWO kitchens (!!!) and three televisions.


Gratuitous shirtlessness alert!



Which was hooked up by James the hunky Chiropractor/Bartender, a chum of Twin's from all the way back in high school. James and I flirted....briefly with living together when the Emo-Elf wasn't acting right and causing misery.


Then Beefy-Jon and Stavvy got a cabana at XS, the place Beefy-Jon calls "one of the hottest clubs in town". It was a grand gesture. And by a GRAND gesture I seriously mean close to a GRAND! It was so expensive that Beefy-Jon marked the side of the alcohol bottles with a marker to measure consumption and bill appropriately.




Twin and her newest conquest; Popular Tobin. Tobin is so popular that even I like him and I'm pretty much over everyone and everything at the moment. Let's hope this one sticks.

That guy on the right shocked the crap out of me. I thought he was just an innocent farm boy or ranch hand (I even called him "Opie") but turns out he is one of the managers of popular rock band The Killers (!!!) who knew?

Shortly after 4AM....A booze fueled Marja lost her sh*t. There was an cabana next door to ours and she ran over and stole all of their booze.

She was quickly busted and received a good dressing down by the waitress on the right. The finger wagging lass told her, "It is WRONG for you to do that!" and a red-faced Marja gave her, and the top heavy side-kick on the right (both so sweet and eager to pose), a $40 tip. Or as I call it, "hush money".

The Beginning of the end

I think these pictures speak for themselves and no commentary is necessary. It is important to note that this was Friday...and it would be the last bit of fun I had.

The E.R.

The next morning, Marja awoke with a puffy eye (she claimed bug-bite while I think it was swollen great with stolen liquor) and all hell broke loose as the hysteria set in. Convinced that the infection would spread and she was going to lapse into a coma and never awaken (I'm not kidding. I couldn't make this stuff up. I was taken aback by the histrionics because I'm one of those stiff-upper lip people that would try to re-attach my own limb first, before burdening anyone at the hospital), Marja and I took a cab ride to the emergency room where the attendant on duty asked me, "Did YOU hit her?" which caused us to burst out laughing. Marja begged the nurse to give her a shot of Cortisone to take down the swelling but the nurse informed her that they would never give a shot of Cortisone near the eye-lid but would give her some anti-biotics. Miffed (she was dead-set on an instant-cure), Marja decided to leave the hospital without seeing a doctor and I'm happy to report that she did not slip into a coma.

Originally this was going to be a two part blog where I described the remainder of the weekend and the steps I took not to strangle Twin when she repeatedly chirped, "OMIGOD! This is so much fun! I'm having the best weekend EVER!" But, I pretty much shot my load with this blog here and I'm over it.

Good Day

Gastric Bypass: The Intervention

Perv displays the wheel that snapped cleanly off.

The Engineering department received quite a startle when there was a sudden bang (some said it sounded like a rifle) and a cracking sound followed by the whoosh of warbling jello and finally a plop. Bigger Chris's chair could not withstand his immense weight one more second and one of the wheels snapped off while he was simply sitting still!



Here's Bigger Chris



Here's the specialized office chair that was ordered for Bigger Chris. According to the brochure, it holds up to 800 lbs.


Now, this situation has left me in a bit of a pickle. I firmly believe that when you start snapping the wheels off your chair its time to take action and that action should be more about losing the weight rather than ordering a chair that holds up to 800lbs. While I detest the act of being a busy-body, I do relish in offering unsolicited advice to those that i feel need it. Since I'm quite fond of him, I want to tell Bigger Chris, who is only 21 (!!!) with good hair and I suspect decent bone structure under all that blubber, that perhaps he should consider gastric bypass, because it worked so well for Star Jones (see photo below). I just need to think of the right way to do it (I was considering leaving an anonymous note on his desk but decided that would be rude). If anyone has any advice on how to approach him, it would be much appreciated.



Good Day

Remember Star Jones and Recognize

The benefits of gastric bypass.

Hank Has Hold On Me!

In this video, CNN interviews Pastor Patricia McKinney of Connecticut's Manifested Glory Ministries Church. A church that performs "Gay Exorcisms". Apparently, I have a gay demon within me (I think I'll call him Hank) that can be exorcised during a spirited religious ceremony (as seen in video above). Originally, I was not going to post this video (but was forced by the Editor In Chief) because I actually feel bad for Pastor McKinney because she obviously needs an exorcism or two herself to deal with that busted-weave demon and glutton demon that have obviously taken hold. She also needs to finish reading her bible because the same chapter (New Testament -Paul) that wagged a finger at gays, also told women to be silent in church, to subjugate themselves under men, and to submit to their husbands and for slaves to obey their masters. Every time she flaps those gums in front of her congregation she's screwing up just as bad as me when my gay demon takes hold and I crave a fat **censored**.

Good Day

Icon Loss: Poster Edition

How big an icon was Michael? When Marja (devastated at MJ's passing) described this poster that hung on her wall when she was still fresh and unspoiled; I had an immediate mental image of said poster. Although, there is some discrepancy between us, as I thought the pattern on his girlish, yellow sweater-vest was intricate embroidering while Marja insists it was a lovely broach. Either way; Michael is finally free from his demons and resting peacefully. He graciously leaves with us a wonderful song library (My all time favorite is Man in the Mirror, one of the few things the Editor In Chief and i have ever agreed upon) and ground-breaking music video collection.



Although her death from anal cancer has been over-shadowed by MJ's passing; I have not forgotten Farrah. Her stab at becoming a serious actress, The Burning Bed, where Farrah got all ugly (well, as best she could) and suffered as a victim of spousal abuse until she had enough and lit her husband on fire as he slept. It was essential to my childhood because it taught me how to handle my business if someone I was dating or living with ever had the nerve, gall and audacity to rough me up for possessing a waspish tongue. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Let's mourn in a dignified manner and then move on.

The Perils of Gossip!

That really is Lady Gaga on the left, and that really is celebrity gossip blogger, Perez Hilton, getting a tooth knocked out on the right. I got the rest of the story slightly askew.

I'm swamped at work and out of the loop. What little free time I had over the past few days was absorbed by dealing with the womb driven hysteria and melodrama of emotionally frail and mentally fragile women folk in obvious need of a “good sorting out” (I don't like to name names, but Marja, Stavvy and Twin know I’m talking about them) So...after Donna D tried to catch me up on the scandal regarding the knuckle-sandwich that was served to celebrity gossip blogger, Perez Hilton, I turned right around and relayed the story to my brother as thus, "Did you hear about the altercation between Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas and celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton? Apparently, Fergie or her fine husband punched Perez Hilton, called him a f*ggot, and put him in the hospital. Lady Gaga was involved too. It was a big fat mess and law-suits are flying about." After laughing for a good minute, my brother was thrilled to get to set me straight. He must have skipped lunch because he seemed a bit spiteful as he hissed, “You’ve got it ALL wrong. The gossip blogger, Perez-Hilton, called Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas a f*ggot, after Will.i.am tried to defend Fergie, as Hilton always calls her ugly. A fight broke out and Will.i.a.m.’s manager punched Perez Hilton. Fergie was nowhere around. It was an awards show and Lady Gaga was there with Hilton. You should at least try to get your facts straight before you tell anyone else.”

Hmmmph! Rude. Actually, I should no't have been reveling in vulgar gossip in the first place. I should have actually researched the story before I relayed it, then it would have been news.

Good Day

Don't Pet The Puss Catepillar

For some strange reason, this video of the Pussy Caterpillar has over 4 million hits on YouTube*. According to Wikipeidia; The 'fur' of the larva contains venomous spines that cause extremely painful reactions in human skin upon contact. The reactions are sometimes localized to the affected area but are often very severe, radiating up a limb and causing burning, swelling, nausea, headache, abdominal distress, rashes, blisters, and sometimes chest pain, numbness, or difficulty breathing. I watched the video in hopes that something truly awful would happen to an unsuspecting innocent, but I was severely dissapointed. Click here if you want to see the adult Puss Moth.

*I didn't bother looking but obtained this info and saw the video on one of my favorite bigot battling web-sites, Towleroad, which took a break from fighting the good fight long enough to post a boring video of a dumb caterpillar...so I figured I would follow suit.

Propriety Watch: Burger King Edition

Highly inappropriate. And I'm not the only one that thinks so.


Carry on.

Through The Looking Glass

I plucked these pics of the March 2010 Tim Burton movie, Alice in Wonderland, off of USA Today.com, and I thought I'd share.

Burtons' Wife, Helena Bonham Carter, continues to thrive on nepotism as he casts her in one of his movies for the fifth time. She portrays the cruel and tyrannical, Red Queen ("Off with their heads!").

The grim, Burton-ized versions of Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

Their sassier, Disney counter-parts.

Anne Hathaway as the dramatic and deposed White Queen. Forcibly removed from power by her own sister, The Red Queen.

Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter (and yes that is Johnny Depp. When I told Tim Burton fan, The Emo-Elf, that The Mad-Hatter actually looks like Elijah Wood, he said, "I wish you hadn't told me that. It's all I can see now"). You just know Depp is going to be really good as the nutjob. Let's hope the movie is really good. This is wonderful source material that should thrive under Burton's touch. But the Emo-Elf and I agreed that we thought the same thing about his remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but were forced to admit that the finished product was a stylish but ultimately soulless movie that was as easily forgettable as the glorious Gene Wilder classic was memorable. I would still be nursing a grudge against Burton had my faith not been restored by the wildly original, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Good Day

True Blood: You're Missing Out

This video from the newest episode of True Blood, is a snippet of the song, Jesus Asked Me Out Today. In a storyline ripe with potential for social commentary; Jason Stackhouse, the dim, directionless but magnificently hunky brother of beloved mind-reading heroine Sookie Stackhouse, is attending the Light of Day leadership conference which is run by an anti-vampire group of hateful religious zealots that are dead set on making life miserable for a minority group. Just like many of you!


And can I tell you how much I'm enjoying True Blood? After last week's terrific season opener (Capped off by an ultra erotic sex-scene where Bill the Vampire put it down on our beloved, and very naked, Sookie Stackhouse..and then he bit her! The vampire equivalent of a donkey punch!); I just knew we were in for a treat.

The second episode, the appropriately titled, "Keep This Party Going", has cemented that thought. I can't wait until we find out who or what is the mysterious, enigmatic Maryann (shown above, enticing an entire bar to dance). Granted, this show aint for everybody....

It's been difficult for me to watch Lafayette (one of televisions most fascinating, drug-dealing ne'er do wells) chained up like Kunta Kunte in the vampires basement. But it is another great storyline and has led to some hilarious dialogue as Lafayette (ever the hustler) tries to escape his unfortunate situation.

If you're thinking of hopping aboard the True Blood train, I'd suggest starting with Season 1 to see if it is your cup of tea. Here's a tip, watch the opening credits below. My more conservative and prudish brother took one look at them and said, "No Thanks! That looks weird!" when I tried to get him on the bandwagon.



Good Day

The Owning: The Lithe Licked by the Large

Twink & Twin are all smiles before getting owned.

On one side we had Twin and a Twink. On the other Beefy-Jon and I. Lets just say our side was a little more stout. We are also more inexperienced, and last time they stomped us 6-4, 6-4. But what we lacked in knowledge, we made up for in grit and the strong desire to stomp people down and annihilate their spirit. Here are the scores of last nights two sets, both in our favor:

6-1 (We PULVERIZED them)

6-5 (This was even more cruel and deliciously satisfying because we gave them a glimmer of hope before coming from behind and smashing that hope into a fine dust while talking mad sh*t. It felt great!)


That's all.

We Were Hoping Someone Would Fall Into the Koi Pond to Liven Things Up

I hope Stavvy and her assistant, Jessica (working as bartender for the evening), washed those muddlers before making more drinks. Germs.

Fearful of a repeat of this fiasco; D3 pulled out all the stops in assuring the combination Mik Graduation/Housewarming party was not a flop. He kicked down for two promotional models/bartenders (!!!) for a Leblon hosted bar, invited everyone he's ever e-mailed in his life, saw that the lavish gardens and cute&cozy house were up to snuff (I'm not sure of overall contributions of his house-mates; Mik, Nemo and Blow-Up, but I suspect D3, fearful of another spectacular flop, did the most overall). D3's hard work paid off and the party could not be labeled as a flop. It was a rather subdued event but lets not quibble about that. I forgot my camera so I didn't get many photos, but Stavvy was kind enough to let me use her brand new, Canon PowerShot SD780IS12.1 MP Digital Camera. While not as feature packed as my PowerShot SD850 IS Digital Elph, it is more attractive and discrete.


Mik's parents (how I love them) were on hand and they were fun. As a matter of fact, Luigi, was one of the most fun people at the party...and he's a senior citizen!


Here Blow-Up (who had to leave her own party to work), Marja, Lance (eager to pose for photos and vivacious, he's so much more fun than my grizzled friends), and Beefy-Jon pose in the dungeon (a.k.a. as D3's room). Now, if you think you can put D3 in a basement, that has no windows or entrance into the main house, and not have me making any, "Where is the troll that lives beneath the house?" jokes, then you haven't known me very long.


Here, Stavvy frolics with Jolene in the jungle like setting that makes up the densely potted back yard and deck area. I didn't really get enough photos to give the cuteness of the yard justice.



Here, our favorite graduate Mik (Who spent most of the party looking smug and stand-offish. Which shouldn't be a surprise since he spends 98% of his day looking smug and stand-offish), catches up with Graham the Cracker and Casper the friendly ghost Nate. Nate is a bit of a braggart. After telling me he'd completed his first marathon, he then brought up this blog here (which I'd forgotten about), and boasted that while he was pale, he was "gifted" and made his other team-mates look like they were packing Vienna sausages in comparison...and that I was not to forget it!


The bartenders/promotional models, Jessica and Catia, were paid handsomely to muddle Leblon and get hit on by guys that didn't stand a snow-balls chance in hell of landing either of them.

O.J.'s always got that sh*t eating grin on his face now. After getting a glance at 8's delectable booty-shelf, it is easy to see why.

Our old neighbor Caren (center) of The Breast of Caren fame, made an appearance.

Here, Pretty Boy Danny tries to follow along as the high-strung Marja launches into rapid fire Marja clucking (although I will say Marja is on a roll and doing wonderful things in the areas of hair and make-up. Keep up the good work). While, N.H.F. enjoys time with his visiting out of town friend, Austin the Grifter.


Ok. That's pretty much it. I can't wring one more word out of such a subdued, drama free, but extremely pleasant evening. Let's congratulate Mik Cum Laude one last time and wish the kids (except for maybe Nemo) continued happiness in their cute new place!

Good Day