Low: The Rehearsal

Be grateful I allow you to gaze upon this rehearsal footage, however poorly lit and murky. It is of Twin and I, prepping a surprise performance for Angela the Blow-Up Doll's birthday party (it was supposed to be a surprise party as well, but she is too nosy and gossipy for us to keep the lid on it) Pray I eventually post footage of the actual performance. Yeah, I look like an idiot. But I thought I'd look a LOT worse!

Good Day.

My I.T. Guy is Better Than Your I.T. Guy

Your I.T. guy


Our I.T. guy, Ryan, at the office.


OUR I.T. guy, Ryan (in silly amounts of orange tanner), at San Diego Bodybuilding championships that took place a few weeks back.

Good Day.

Stavvy Speaks: Beefy-Jon Back!

The Barefoot Bar & Grill at Paradise Point provided a nice back-drop for an impromptu Q&A session with Stavvy regarding Beefy-Jon's return, today, after 6 months away on a secret mission. I'll share a snippet of that with you now.

T: Wow. That six months went fast are you excited to..

Stavvy: (interrupting) It went fast for YOU! It was awful for me. I didn't realize it would be this tough!

T: Well its over now. Let's not quibble. Are you abiding by his wishes and picking him up from the airport alone?

Stavvy: No! I want a production so I'm having one. Christina's kids made signs, they're all going and so is Krazy-Kim, to take photos, and anyone else that wants to come!

T: (Silently grateful that she at least abandoned her idea of Twin and I PERFORMING A HIP HOP DANCE AT THE AIRPORT, as B.J. entered the luggage area. I'm not kidding.) Oh boy. Well, he'll want three things when he gets home, to **censored**, a steak, and either his video game or remote controller while he chills on the couch.

Stavvy: I've already told him this week is OUT of control busy so he needs to be ready to hit the ground running. I've got promos, The Natalie Vista's going away party and Vegas on the schedule.

T: wow....

Stavvy: (defensively) WHAT?!?!

T: Nothing...that sounds nice.

(The conversation, or basically Stavvy speaking with us listening, then volleyed between a long-simmering beef between two family members, regarding Beef-Jon's return, the terror of bird-poop on a Porsche, and the "dumbness" of a former blog regular. With the exception of the bird dung, it was all off the record.)


After moving a big-ass bar from the previous nights promotion, the manager treated Stavvy, Emo-Elf and me to lunch. Barefoot Bar has nice scenery and a pleasant atmosphere. It was nice. Even with the scary bird with the bright red eyes that lingered the entire time, as if it were waiting for its order or to peck an eye out of socket.

Like I said, great view, fun atmosphere but...still I must provide budgetary caution.

Good Day

Earth Hour

Time for earth hour. Don't worry Donna, it's only an hour and I think the rechargeable battery used in your Jack-Rabbit 3000 is permissible to use in the duration.

Good Day.

Lost Review: In Lieu of Hyperbole

Good Day

Shaft

While I think materialism is vulgar and shun those that front and flash; I confess that I giggled like a school-girl when I received the following e-mail with the photo above:

How do you like? We call him Shaft.

Deaf Editor Does Dumb List

Predictably, Vic named these the two top singers on Idol. Um..NEWSFLASH! Carrie Underwood was as dull as dishwater and NOT cute during her Idol reign. It was only after the show that she found her growl and well-shaven gams.

E.H.S.O.D.G. member and Comcast entertainment director, Victor, writes a straight-forward, white-bread and nonsense-free Idol re-cap that I enjoy reading because I'm usually so wrapped up in what the contestants are wearing and their stage presence, that listening becomes secondary. This is usually for the best because most of the performances tend to be boring. Now, after reading his Ultimate All-Time Idol Rankings, I have removed his re-caps from my favorites list, considered removing his link from this blog, gave serious thought to quitting the E.H.S.O.D.G. to minimize contact with him, and prepared to cuss his ass out. If Vic was just some tool sharing his opinions on his blog (like, um...me) that would be fine. But he is the editor for the Comcast web-site! With great power comes great responsibility so you can't run-off half-cocked, compiling these lists while high on dust or stoned beyond reason. Something is severely amiss when you think it is ok to place fun Fantasia at #8, below dull Jordin Sparks at #6. Your head simply aint right when you place lifeless Diana DeGarmo at 15, well above Trenyce at 24 (OH HELL NO!!!).


Although he's not eligible for inclusion on Vic's stupid list and has nothing to do with this blog entry; I thought this was as good a place as any to mention that Adam Lambert's rendition of Tracks of My Tears was so good that, for only the third time in Idol history, I wanted to throw my boxers at the screen.

Let me calm down for a moment and state, this is all a matter of opinion, and just yesterday Vic lost his cool on an E.H.S.O.D.G. e-mail thread because he disagreed with Bad-Donkey about some dumb guitarist for and blah blah blah (I don’t remember who said what because the moment I saw the word, Metallica, I deleted the e-mails). But it goes beyond opinion, and into the realm of responsibility, when you rank hot but disgraced contestant David Hernandez (he of the gay stripper past) at #80. We must be watching two different shows. I’ll be busy for a bit. I need to launch a letter writing campaign to Comcast to request that Vic is terminated from his position (I think he needs the free time so he can think about what he’s done). While I’m doing that, watch the video of #80 ranked David Hernandez below. It says volumes more than I ever could.

Exhibit A: #80 ranked Golden Throat (This was the second time in Idol history that I was freed from the constraint of boxers. When I watched again last night with Twin, to compare with Allison Iraheta's version, Twin began to writhe about and squirm in pleasure.)

Speed Blogging 2: Bill Prop, Wondercon Blip

Bill Prop

I'm so back-blogged I decided to chuck such events as Wondercon and N.H.F.'s birthday out of the window and just start from scratch. But as I was looking through my pictures, I remembered that Bill was a great sport at Wondercon, and posed next to the robot control R2-D2 (it was AMAZING and I want one!), when Ron would not. So I couldn't not post that photo above.

A bit brainy, Bill also showed me how to turn off the flash to take, neat, mirrored photos. That's me and chowder-head Ron on the top (I screwed up with the flash but look at how cute my shoes are! I always try to look smart when visiting Frisco), while Bill gets it right on the bottom.

Wondercon Blip

The Watchmen...done right.

and...Silk Spectre needs to fix herself, and Dr. Mini-Manhatten has a great body but needs a box to stand on.

Bonus Blogging: Marja at Rest at Wondercon

Marja, exhausted from running that mouth all day, shortly before she was awaken by a fire alarm that led her to panic and abandon her own mother and a sweet, aging receptionist as she ran down 32 stories concerned only for her own safety.

Good Day

Speed Blogging 1: Top Model

This years plus-sized model, Kortnie, really wasn't all that plus-sized. What she is is out of the competition and what she was was N.H.F.'s pick, so he, like O.J. before him, is out of our $7 gay night pool. Poor Kortnie's exit Her exit, on last night's Top Model, was thoroughly overshadowed by Tyra taking time out of her day to put one of the girls in check.

You can watch that below. I give the Martha Plimpton lookin' model props for having the guts to even approach Tyra out of turn, but she should have thought better of it....

Not Your Father's TV Guide

Certain to prove divisive cover girl, Desperate Housewife, Eva Longoria

Yesterday I took the new issue of TV Guide, with The Sexiest Stars of Television on the cover, into the bathroom (I like a little reading material while perched on the throne, engaged in the moving of bowels, I find it relaxing). I figured it would be a quick read and would give me something to bitch about because I expected it to include, like those dumb People Magazine and Us Weekly lists, many busted or past their prime celebs thrown in for "political correctness" complete with some write up of how their "inner beauty" makes them sexy (Whatever! Brody Jenner and Audrina from The Hills may be as vacuous as the space between Emo-Elf's ears, but they are still highly doable). Mid-way through the TV Guide article, I thought (and please pardon my candor), "Well I'll be damned! These selections are chock-full of people that I would actually want to f***! How refreshing!" I'd like to share the pictures with you, but dumb TVGuide wants you to actually buy it. They did have some outtakes online, and I've placed those below. I've left my copy in my bathroom so feel free to come over and take a peek at it.

Good Day



Bones star David Boreanaz should be grateful I'm busy.


Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi is certainly cookin!


The Mentalist's Simon Baker just looks like he's waiting to have some sex.

Eliza Dushku of Dollhouse looks like she just had some sex, and is about to have some more.

Baby Steps

Last night's private hip hop session with Twin ("I wear my hair down for hip-hop"),  turned out not to be so private. Bobble, Jessica Jesse, one of Jesse's close friends, and Mik decided to stay and watch us rehearse our routine. An hour later, after a brutal session of intense, sweaty choreography (ripe with ball changes and booty shaking), I received compliment from Bobble ("That was good!" From the easily burdened Bobble, that's a ringing endorsement.) and instructor Twin ("You still don't dance like a black person*, but your pick-up is getting better.") and finally this sweet quote from Mik (who sat attentive and spell-bound during the hour long rehearsal, speaking only once to yell "Come on Fatboy!" after I forget to pivot.) "You know fat-boy, you can move. Your memory is terrible, and I am sure that you are the biggest, fattest dancer ever, but you can dance." It was, quite possibly, the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

 

Vulgarity Alert: The tooting of one's own horn (boasting) is vulgar. So please forgive me this one minor indiscretion. In closing, I'd just like to say, Know who I am. Bitches.

 

Good day.

*After I'd finished writing this blog, I received the following I.M. from Twin: Your blackness will come in due time, that's what we'll work on tonight, you basically have the moves, now we are going to work on style adding "swagger" so to speak. Obviously, I'm terribly excited!

Kill Bill In One Minute

Not exactly timely, but still very enjoyable, even for those who haven't seen Kill Bill 1 & 2.

Weigh In Wrap-Up: N.H.F., S.A.M. are F.A.T.*

Our first person to rank in the over-weight category, was also unbalanced as he tipped to the right. This signifies possible mental illness or wildly uneven balls.

My obsession with Wii-Fit labeling me as "obese" has mercifully come to an end. I'd actually somewhat moved on, but N.H.F. wanted me to set up an avatar to prepare for his weigh-in. Little did I know that would be sooner rather than later, after he committed the heinous act of making the highly dreaded and unannounced "pop-by" or unannounced visit (how I loathe the "pop-by" As I tell people, I could be vacuuming naked and would like warning of any and all plans to visit).

N.H.F., like his avatar above, is a jughead.

Someway, Somehow..trim, ectomorph N.H.F. is overweight. Toolish by nature; 6'2" N.H.F. wants to get to his heftier, gym-toned days of "past glory" and celebrated his almost 200 lb heft. He calls that "base" and plans to have a summer unveiling of his new/old physique.

Although her husband is obese, Stavvy is inching perilously close to really needing a sandwich.

Stavvy was only the second girl to participate in the Wii Weigh Off, and like Angela the Blow-Up Doll before her, she eagerly jumped on the scale because she knew she would like the results(Moral of the story: You have to find vain women to participate in this kinda stuff). With the lowest BMI yet of 19.85, almost 5'10" Stavvy (Amazon alert! I've seen her towering over D3 on several occasions, so I should have known.) should have no problem snapping back into shape after her beefy and obese husband rolls back into town and knocks her up.

She seems unbalanced to me, but Stavvy had perfect balance.

Fat-free and sturdy S.A.M. yelled at the television when it deemed him overweight. It also told him he is wildly unbalanced to the left....mmmhmmmm

Finally we have my beloved S.A.M. (Secret Agent Man) who is in town briefly on a secret mission. He told me, "I saw this on your blog and I just knew you were going to ask me to do it, hold on a second!" He then proceeded to remove everything in his pockets, peel off his shirt and shoes, and even removed his watch. While grateful for the show, I confessed, "It accounts for the weight of your clothes so you can keep them on," but I think S.A.M., like Angela the Blow-Up Doll, Mik and the Emo-Elf, prefers to stay in a state of half-dressed. After a brief but explosive argument about height (S.A.M. tried to front that he was 5'11". S.A.M., like most men under 6', pads his height. If a man tells you he is 5'11" he is lying. Men who are ACTUALLY 5'11" always claim, "I'm six feet" After a few measurement tests determined that he's barely making 5'10", S.A.M. got uncharacteristically quiet and we moved on.), we found out S.A.M. has a weight problem.

S.A.M. threatened not to participate unless he liked his avatar. He did.

Let's review. This guy is overweight.

Ok, I'm really over it now as that is quite ridiculous. So I won't be doing anymore weigh-ins, unless requested, so those that visit can breathe a little easier....with the noted exception of Bobble. She's getting a weigh in no matter what. To rob me of the laughter that will come after I make a Bobble avatar, would be cruel.

Good Day.

*fit and trim

The People Come Out For Pork n' Sesh

The people. New attendees included Evencia (Head of Marketing for Sesh, in blue sweater) and Samara from the motion picture, The Ring and the Ring II, who crawled out of her well for the occasion.

Mid-way through last nights Top Model I thought, "They sure are featuring my choice quite a bit, I bet she is going home. How embarrassing. Especially since there is such a good turn-out. We actually have other gays in attendance! Although they are all bottoms or gaping-bottoms, this is still very exciting. I think tops in San Diego are as mythical as Unicorns. Oh Well, there's always porn. Man was Twin's pork ever juicy. I hope there is more of Bobble's delicious salad. These people are pigs that don't understand some of us like to eat our salad after dinner!"

I have good and bad news. The Good: My girl landed in the bottom 2, but she was spared and D3's boring pick was sent packing. Ha Ha! The Bad: I didn't get any salad. It was gobbled up before I finished my dinner. Next time I'm preparing a plate beforehand. Anyway, the reason there were so many people is because featherish O.J. put on a presentation beforehand, thus preparing a few more persons for the upcoming Sesh revolution.

Now I must go. I leave you with this photo of the aforementioned on a point, plump and juicy pork.

The Pork

Burdened Blogger Brings Breakfast Cereal

The lithe and nimble O.J. sent me a link to Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weiner. While the initial panel he sent me was inappropriate, there is a lot of The Far Side inspired funny stuff, so if you like silly things (like me) you should check it out.
I really needed a laugh at the end of this burden of a day. A day so burdensome that even writing this sentence has proven to be an insurmountable task. They'll be no further blogging until tomorrow.

good day.

Bean Pole Brigade Welcomes New Members

This is one elf that's not about Keebler.

Forgive me this moment of self-flagellation, but today I was looking in the mirror during yoga and I thought, "Look at me. I'm kinda hot. I would want to have some sex with me. Forget that dumb Wii!" Yes, that is how much the dumb Wii-Fit has affected me. I'm over it now, and await the return to town of my fellow obese friend, Beefy-Jon. In the mean-time; here is the latest crop of skinnies to join previously measured Mik, Nemo and the Blow Up Doll in the newly formed; "Bean-Pole Bigrade" (Once again, all avatars were designed by me to mimic person in question)


The nearly 6'2" Emo-Elf weighed in at almost 171 lbs. This was more than suspected since he wears a size SMALL t-shirt (I'm not kidding, he likes them snug and short) We always wondered who weighed more between the Elf and bird-boned Nemo (they both have non-existent waist-lines), and now we have our answer as the Elf is almost 10lbs heavier. Like Nemo, Emo-Elf also come closer to the lauded 22 BMI (supposedly those are the people who never get sick and live longer).


As suspected; he's slightly unbalanced. As much as he slouches, I'm surprised it was even this close.


Tom from Sheffield is England's answer to 98lb-Neil. This 6-footer weighs in at a girlish 155. I know the food in England is supposed to be terrible but maybe he should have used some of the toffee he tried to fatten me up with on himself.


Of course, 6 foot tall men that weigh 155 is considered "normal". The certainly not plump Perv confessed, "Wow, I'm 5'9" and he weighs less than me!"


Shocking no one, Tom from Sheffield was completely unbalanced. He is so far to the left he is either posing with one leg out, as Tyra told us to do during America's Next Top Model, or is possibly a closeted homosexual.


Here, O.J.'s avatar grins and claps as he makes it into the "Normal" weight range. As you can see, it is on the high end of normal so you would expect, as appearances dictate, that O.J. would be beefy...


Nope. He's a bean-pole. He's the same height as Mik (6'1") and weighs even less at a teensy 175. Immediately after the Wii outed him, he confessed, "Yeah, I should weight about 181." Emo-Elf confessed, "O.J. looks sturdier than that." I said, "Yeah, that's just faux-stature, he's been frontin!"


As suspected, he was pretty balanced. Although he's been stripped of any "hunk" status, now he can swap healthy recipes with the rest of the Bean-Pole Brigade.

Good Day.

5 Questions With T Presents: MMM Edition

So...after the first "cute but dim" edition of 5 Questions W/T, the Editor In Chief burped, "I'd like to help you with the questions the next time." Like he was going to deliver or something. When I did decided to shoot this MMM.....(Mik, Marja, & Maggie-the Bobblehead) MMMgood edition, I turned to him for questions and this proved to be an almost fatal error. I was sacked with such toolish doozies as, "Does Size Matter?" (I absolutely refused his invasive and jug-headed suggestion of, "When was the last time you had sex?") Then, he devised a fifth and final question that was targeted solely at Mik ("Are you worried about my weight?") that went over like a lead balloon when Mik proved to be "difficult" on his day of filming. Thus robbing us a of the opportunity to at least ask Marja or Bobble something interesting (and don't think Marja didn't b*tch about it!). Next time, I'll come up with all the questions and we'll have the Editor-In-Chief sticking to what he does best...editing


Bobble (Maggie) is the only person I know who seems to carry more yoke than I. She always appears to be on the verge of falling asleep and usually only springs to life once you accuse her of seeming burdened. Then she barks, "Well I was up for work this morning at 3.30AM! Of course I'm tired!" That sounds oddly familiar. Maybe I'll stop using it so much. Anyway, this same sense of malaise served her well with this calm, hysteria free interview. Although the entire interview process seems like one giant burden to overcome, her eyes POP on film and I wish we'd had better lighting.

Marja Marja Marja. Although she put up a bit of a struggle, she was over-powered by the Editor In Chief and forced to participate. Remember how Twin seemed nothing like her bubbly self and seemed posed to have an emotional collapse during her interview? Well, Marja goes in the other direction and instead of serving up the castrating shrew I know and love, she actually appears bubbly, fun and blessed with infectious good cheer. I just love how she blurts out the answer to "Who would you like to star in a movie of your life?" like she's actually been waiting her entire life for someone to ask her.


On the other end of the spectrum, we have crankypants Mik. He was spiteful and flat out nasty all weekend long, due to his finals, and finally only sat down for the interview when his belly was full after lunch . While I think the sunglasses are a good touch, Mik fidgets and fusses with such nervous "I'd rather be anywhere but here," energy that it's exhausting to watch. After I finished filming, Mik tried to erase his boring interview (he blamed the boring questions) and the only way I was able to stop him was by filming ANOTHER segment, with new questions, and promising to use that one instead. I fooled him good. I'll be running that segment another day.

Bonus Blogging: Tom From Sheffield

Although he's not one of our M interviewee's; Tom from Sheffield arrived from England looking as deranged as ever, so I decided to interview him. Tom always has this slightly disturbed look about him that is completely at odds with his unshakable politeness. He arrived yesterday bearing gifts (English toffee from Thorton's chocolatier that I have almost finished and that I did not need. And loads of good, proper British television on DVD. He even gave Alex the Emo-Elf a DVD and quipped, much to my delight, "I was unsure of what to get an Emo-elf, but I hope you like this!") and is with us until he leaves for Portland to record a studio album (but that's a story for another day).

See you next time for 5 Questions With T!

6 Models Injured In Hysteria Driven Chaos

Here's the video from the model stampede that occured during the most recent, America's Next Top Model, auditions when some fool yelled, "There's a bomb!" when a car simply over-heated. Pandemonium ensued as dim beyond reason models lost their sh*t. I haven't seen this kind of chaos ensue since the Marriot had a fire alarm, during our recent visit to San Francisco, and a panicked Marja grabbed her lap-top and ran down 30-something flights COMPLETELY ABANDONING her aging receptionist and HER OWN MOTHER in the process.

Good Day.

Wal-Mart, Target See Fortune Flip-Flop

Good article here, detailing the fortune flip-flop of Wal-Mart and Target. According to the article, Target was growing leaps and bounds when times were good: While Wal-Mart, the largest company in the world, has always dwarfed rival Target in size ($406 billion in annual revenues vs. Target's $65 billion), until recently Target had been decisively winning the growth game. From 2003 though 2007, Target's annual same-stores sales growth averaged 4.6%, while Wal-Mart's clocked in at 2.9%. Over the same period, Target's annual profit growth averaged 16%, while Wal-Mart lagged behind at 10.3%. "Target was frying Wal-Mart's brains out," says Howard Davidowitz, chairman of Davidowitz & Associates, a national retail investment banking and consulting firm.

Once the recession took hold, Target had shocks coming: in 2008 Target's profits dropped a stunning 22.3%, to $2.2 billion. That figure includes a 40.7% earnings collapse in the fourth quarter. Wal-Mart's 2008 bottom line rose 5.9%, to $13.5 billion. Now, Target is getting trounced.

I'm not surprised. I used to live at Target but I haven't been to one in months! Too expensive. Now you can find me scouring the aisles of Big Lots, praying for even semi-affordable dishwasher tablets. By the way, I love the word, trounced.





The Griswolds and Nemo (seen above, patiently waiting for Mik to distribute tic-tacs. For Nemo, he sprinkled them on the ground so he could peck them up one by one in a bird like fashion) willingly accompanied me to the Sears Essential in Mission Valley in search of deeply discounted toilet paper. This never happened before the recession took hold, we would have gone straight to Target and called it a day..


Good Day