My next subject was Twin, who lived up to her "Best Skinny-Fat Girl of 2008" by serving a savory, mouth-watering shrimp dish right before this interview. I'm glad I had something in my stomach, as low-blood sugar would have led me to weep openly at Twin's on-camera fragility. As vulnerable as the Emo-Elf was confident, Twin appears tender, out of her element, and gripped by fear while obviously thinking, "Oh Dear. What the hell is he going to ask me?" I wanted to stop filming and hold her.
Here's what I learned from this second session:
Okay, that's all for this month. Join me next month when I attempt to corral the raspy trio of Stavvy, Krazy-Kim, and Kiersten Christian, for a 5 Question rasp-off.
- They live 35-40 years. What a burden.
- They may be cute as a baby, but are rebellious as adults. Michael Jackson said it himself, when his cute little chimp hit adolescence, its started talking back! At some point you will not be able to control your chimp, so if you are looking for an alpha in your life, this may not be a deterrent, so please read on.
- They may make you feel stupider than you are. The Connecticut chimp got out by stealing the owner's key and opening a door! The owner called her friend to help her get the Chimp back in the house and that's when all hell broke loose.
- They will never be house broken. In the wild, chimps live in trees and sh*t as they please on anything and everything below them. Dogs and their ancestors live in dens, and know to excuse themselves before relieving themselves. chimps don't give a f*ck and never will. Who wants to change diapers daily for 35-40 years?
- You'll get attacked, bet on it. A chimp is 10 times stronger than a human, so their idea of play could land you in the hospital, and their idea of making you their b*tch will probably kill you, or at best, leave you with no nuts and half a face. The male chimp's favorite mode of attack is ripping off their opponent's scrotum. You can imagine how effective this is in the wild. For those of you without scrotums (Women, T, gaping bottoms) Chimps will find something else to rip off, most likely an ear or your nose.
The Connecticut chimp was taken into a police car (under arrest?) but started to get fussy so they blasted that fool.
Against my will and better judgment, Brians both Hot-Nerd and N.H.F., forced me to mingle with the gang-bangers and derelicts that are the patrons of Dave & Busters (I heard through the gossip-vine that there was actually some kind of drive by shooting last year. I avoid places that attract drive-by shootings with the same grit and determination I use when avoiding The Natalie Vista). Marja eagerly joined us, as she loves this kind of stuff (after all, she’s the woman that dragged me to a dive bar where she proceeded to play Rock Band, ON STAGE!!! I still shudder at the very memory of it. My cries of, “But that’s not a guitar, it’s a video-game controller, dear!” were ignored by Marja, and all the other patrons.) Upon entering the game-room-after a trip through the dumb bar-I was horrified, right out of the gate, by the odd, musty smell that rivaled the fan-boy funk found at comic conventions. Then I was nearly bowled over after I glanced at the gross and greasy, heavily used machines (I recoil in agony to think about how many people, several of whom had recently engaged in masturbation, have touched those handles. And there I was without my hand-sanitizer gel), and by the arcade games with primitive graphics (no wonder the knuckle-dragging Neanderthals and meat-headed crowd love the place).
I allowed myself a bit of hope, after I stumbled upon this 6 person, competitive trivia machine. Despite my surroundings and the dumb crowd; the tide suddenly turned in favor of a (gasp!) possible return visit (which was later squelched). With the almost as nerdy as me Marja on my left; tools and meat-heads gasped in astonishment (people as good looking as I are usually too self absorbed for trivia) as we dominated the game as only people who really need to get out more could (I may know nothing of world affairs, geography, history or anything worthwhile; but I DO know that Dawnn Lewis starred as Jaleesa on the Cosby Show spin-off, A Different World, and that should count for something). I’m not kidding, so many “tickets” (which are redeemed for so called “prizes”) poured out of my machine that eventually an attendant had to come replace them. When I was finished; I eagerly entered the prize zone, with over 1,300 tickets, thinking I was going to get this:
HA! A stank, low-quality rice-maker was going for 4,000 tickets (mon dieu!) so I wasn't even close! I only had enough tickets to get a stupid, raggedy ass t-shirt* and a sorry ass pack of dumb, old ass gum. Pitiful.
*Despite my bitching, I actually liked the shirt. But, since this is my life, even that was obliterated as after Angela the Blow-Up Doll turned it into a baby-T after she washed it in hot water and then threw it in the extra hot dry cycle. I screeched, “Angela! This is a mid-riff now! I can barley fit into it!” Mik looked up from his book long enough to interject, in a weary, somewhat accusatory tone, “I’m not surprised. She’s done that to several of my shirts.” I did love Angela’s rebuttal, “Oh. That’s not my fault, the dryer’s too hot.”