Best of 2008: The Wrap Up!

As promised, I'm wrapping up best of 2008 by the end of January 2009. So without further ado...let's wrap this bitch up.


Most Controversial Blog Regular: Stavvy.
When I reported that our resident entitled princess ran a red light, and was busted, here; it was nothing compared to the firestorm that erupted when I reported on the cost of that ticket here! It was an ugly, 33 comment plus free-for-all that wasn't topped until this year when Stavvy...wait, we'll save that for best of 2009.
Honorable Mention: Mik



collect their tea-cups and...


not helping...

The The "Oh, he's NOT gay? But I was so certain!" Award: Nemo and D3 (TIE!)
Nemo rocks a purple tank-top and white Capri pants like no other (people often reference to this hetero-Italian as “The nice gay German guy”) while D3’s cherry “Hey, does that dude have on lipstick?” red lips insure that Perv will continue to refer to him as, “Gay-Danny”.
Honorable Mention: Emo-Elf (the most girlish certainly, but disqualified due to ugly pony-tail that was displayed for most of year)



The Beat to Death in 2008: HnH's Skull-n-Guitar Shirt
I kid you not, these were ALL taken on different dates and times. I probably saw HnH a grand total of 12 occasions in 2008 and, until I asked him to stop wearing it, he was ALWAYS IN THIS BLASTED SHIRT! N.H.F. had a "sit-down" with him, and he's promised not to burden us with it again.
Honorable mention: Rock Band


Most Welcome Trend: The Return of the Glory Hole
Honorable Mention: The Skinny Fat Girl



Our person of the year is also this year's biggest tool!

Person of the Year: N.H.F.
Handing out our person of the year was tough and the competition stiff. Should I award Mik for finally dating someone that met with my approval? Or Perv for being a surrogate father and white chauffer? What about O.J. for launching a business in this tough economy or Beefy-Jon simply for being Beefy-Jon? Instead, I decided to award the Person of The Year to (please get a barf bucket for Marja for this as she thinks that the winner and I are in constant mutual ass kiss mode) the person that stepped up and took over Editor in Chief duties of this blog: N.H.F. Not only that, N.H.F. saw to it that my burdens were lessened this year by intercepting those that set out to encumber me with trivial matters when it came to making plans. Furthermore, he provided comfort in these troubling times by dropping nuggets of wisdom like, “The recession can be a good thing; it will weed out the weak as only the strong survive!” and “We’ve seen how everyone gets along during the good times; lets see how things shake out when times get tough!” He also taught me fun new terms like “Donkey Punch” and “Popcorn Surprise” Come get your award N.H.F.!
Honorable Mention: Mik, Perv, OJ, Beefy-Jon, You

Biggest Tool: N.H.F.
While you’re here, make sure you pick up your award for Biggest Tool! I was all set to hand it to Tool Time Tim when I saw that pic of you playing Rock Band. What a tool!
Honorable Mention: Tool Time Tim, Emo-Elf, Dave The Strange (also awarded, “That was one mean Muthaf****a!”)

That's all folks! See you Monday. While you're waiting here are some

Outtakes of '08

Twin in two ass-off's. Lost one, won one.

Shortly after this was taken, two couples pictured went kaput!

D3 and his sweet, Guatamalean orphans.

San Diego Poster Children

Four members of the E.H.S.O.D.G.

Chili Champ 2009

I couldn't make this up. You're looking at the 2009 Chili Champ: N.H.F.

I credit the use of my crock-pot in his victory.

Good Day

O.J. Guest Blogs: The One

Yes he can! O.J. at a wildly successful trade show in Miami Beach. Somehow, confounding naysayers, O.J. is getting Sesh off the ground in this gloomy economy! Recognition is required.

Disclaimer and full disclosure: I made the big mistake of telling N.H.F. that disgraced ex-Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is my half brother (Issues Alert! Papa was a rolling stone. He’s loved many many women-who delivered many many children-often at the same time. I only wish I were joking. While the actual # of offspring is unconfirmed; I’m told we are legion. So, obviously I don’t like talking about it-so don’t be rude like N.H.F. and continue to ask me any questions-as clearly I have issues with the impropriety of my origins. This is also why I choose to be courted almost exclusively by white men, as I live in fear that I may lay, in the biblical sense, with one of my own half-siblings). Of course, like a dog with a bone, N.H.F. rabidly researched the scandal of disgraced ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, until it enveloped even O.J. (Outdoorsy-Jarrod) and he, to my surprise, sent in his first ever guest blog. The BIG surprise was the number of Star Wars references (from O.J.?!??? WTF?!?!?) but due to the political content, I initially refused to run it, but was over-ruled by our bossy Editor in Chief. So here, in its entirety, is ..

O.J.'s guest blog: The One
(the opinions in this blog are O.J's and do not reflect those of Tea W/Lemon. Now or Ever.)

The disgraced ex-Mayor of dubious morals and questionable consort.

Our young ones are told tales of an American Dream. You can be anything you want in this land of opportunity, it doesn't matter where you start off, an astronaut, a teacher and you can even be President one day. All you have to do is work hard enough right? Ummm hummm, somehow later that dream gets retold to us as, you can own your own home. The house dream isn't nearly exciting but perhaps realistic as it can be scaled for everyone. But you can't scale the Whitehouse down and drive into a trailer park.
I don't have what it takes to be President and if no one has told you yet, psssst you don't either. Why anyone wants the job is beyond me, but that's a topic another discussion. I didn't vote for Barack Skywalker, but he's my President now I love my country and would never be like those Bush haters, so I'm jumping on the slobbering bandwagon. Barack's Midi-chlorian levels are off the chart, I hear anyone who happens near him feels compelled to give him a hug and are willing to believe everything he says. Even I believed, nodded with acceptance when he said he would deport his illegal alien aunt. That's charisma bitches, and why can't we come up with one of those damn Midi-chlorian tests for our kids before we go and lie to them? Barack has the right stuff alright, but is he really –THE ONE- our chosen savior? Could there ever be another? Is there anyone else in this world that has ever come close? I wondered this, so I scoured the globe and the closet person I could find was Kwame Kilpatrick.

Kilpatrick had it all, went form the Detroit city schools to be the youngest Mayor of the city at 31. He was no royalty politician who got elected on his daddy's last name. NO! Kilpatrick Skywalker was smart like Barack and blessed with even higher level Midi-chlorian, charisma so off the chart people believed everything he said. He was on his way to the Whitehouse until one day BAM, BUSTED. Kilpatrick may have seemed all powerful and dipped in the River Styx, but it left him with an Achilles heel. A lack of discretion was his weakness and it got him put in the big house, and I'm not talking about the big white one.

Ooooops! "You taste...familiar"

If only Kilpatrick had grown up with a wiser sibling, let’s say, Princess T, to teach him the wisdom of discretion, like Luke Skywalker had Princess Leia. No one would have guessed, like young Anakin, Kilpatrick Skywalker would eventually turn to the dark side. Young Kilpatrick needed Princess T, as he was the only one who could teach him how to maintain discretion and keep his light saber in his pants. If Only, if only, if only the two were together was children. As it stands now, you would have neeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvver guessed Kilpatrick would be the first one to end up taking it up the butt.

Cosmetic Changes Coming

As you've most likely noticed; Tea with Lemon has a new banner! It comes compliments of Darrell, a best hunk runner up for 2008, and the on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again boyfriend of squeaky, blog regular Twin (They're one of those creative, passionate couples who do little besides f&f). Darrell is the sole proprietor of DALONZI photography and design and-blessed with a solid jaw and good hair- looks like someone that would be complete prick; so it’s a pleasant surprise when you discover he's absurdly kind (He's only cruel when it comes to neglecting Twin's barren, ring finger). Darrell designed three banners for me; one of which is on display now (I quite like it), one that made a brief appearance yesterday (I quite like it but it is a bit too "muscular" for me and will run on days where we have guest-bloggers, letters from the editor, or when my testosterone levels are unusually high), and one that is certain to be divisive (as it is my favorite and I tend to gravitate towards the divisive). I wrote a bit more about Darrell, and showed some great photos, here.

Also of note, our Editor In Chief will be taking a meeting with an upstart internet hosting company, BigDummyD3, so there may be even more cosmetic changes to Tea with Lemon in the near future.

Good Day.

Recession Claims Another Victim: The Natalie

A financially broken The Natalie Vista (center) leans on her best friend, Melanie, and Melanie's little sister, Elaine Bennet from Seinfeld. (Ok, her name's Pamela, but she looks like a blond Julia Louise Dreyfus!)

Well, the recession has drawn the blood of a blog regular, The Natalie Vista. We've followed her exploits for three years now, but she's moving home to Sacramento to refresh and regroup, as she was one of the many people who were laid off yesterday. When she told me of her plans to relocate and start this, "Next chapter of my life," my eyes began to fill with tears. I tried to remain stoic, but eventually the floodgates unleashed and I began to sob, then weep openly and I didn't give a damn who saw me! I had to go all the way back to 3rd grade to remember the last time I felt so happy, care-free and unburdened!

Let's all wish The Natalie Vista the best (And one of her last wishes as a blog regular is NO mean comments in the comments section please, keep your spite to yourself). In her heyday (when her alter-ego, Gretchen, made frequent appearances), she provided me with lots of really good bloggin' material, and I'll always thank her for that.

Good Day.

Beautification, Expansion Yield Strife

Before: Sun-light gently trickles into the The big man's new, fancy-shmancy office.

After: Paperwork and other crap. And he's only beginning. I blame baby-making 98lb-Neil (his wife, Knocked-Up-Einat the gynecologist just popped out another girl) for all this moving about. He visited our office and barked loudly, "This place looks like crap! I'm surprised your owner allows this!" I'm certain the boss overhead him, as his previous office was right next to mine.

Although grateful for continued employment in these troubling times; I'm OVER this place at the moment. Completely over it. Our office is getting reshuffled (We are OUT of space because we keep expanding and hiring new people*. We can't even do the recession correctly) and now I'm going to have my privacy compromised AND have to look at the back of Dumb Judy's dumb head all damn day. (True Story: After an hour long discussion; the owner croaked, "I know you don't like this decision but we're out of space. Take this hit for the team. As the boss, sometimes I have to make tough decisions and everyone won't like me all the time." I replied, "Good. Then I don't feel bad that I don't like you right now!"). Granted, I lost my own office long ago, when they moved Ming the Merciless chemist in here because she couldn't get along with anyone else-so I've been staring at the back of her meaty neck for weeks now anyway. I'm still very, very bitter. Anyway, here are a few snap-shots I took of our moving day where all of the men were asked to participate (sexist alert!) but when I arrived to pitch in, the boss said, "Uh...we have enough people. You'll just be in the way." I thought it rude.



On the left is Ryan the Brute, our I.T. guy who is also a professional body-builder. Thanks to him, I am able to spout "Our I.T. guy can kick the holy crap out of your I.T. guy!" Which, surprisingly, carries more clout in some of my nerdier circles than one would suspect. Meanwhile, Big Chris (not to be confused with 500-lb Bigger Chris) rocks his Jewish-afro, while Andrew the triathlete simply looks relieved that this is one moment that Perv is not staring at his butt for a flash of boxers.

Perv alert! Perv (The resident office ass-kiss and boot-licker. Although his lips are permanently affixed to the owners ass; he still keeps knee pads on him, at all times, in case the boss demands oral) smiles smugly at the camera while our boss (in back corner) wonders why I'm still here snapping photos after he told me to sit down.


Before: Old Break room. Intimate and dimly lit. Perfect for a quick nap or the offering of sex to the recently separated (I can say no more, or risk scandal!). This room was turned into a stupid storage room for data. It would have made a lovely office.

After: Big Woo. Cold, a somewhat sterile new break room with high-definition television. I passed out cold on the leather sofa yesterday and, according to reports, proceeded to snore. How embarrassing.

*To let you know how rough it is getting; one of the new people we hired is a general office person to file, etc. His previous job was bank-teller SUPERVISOR at a Downy Federal savings and loans branch!

You heard me.

Soup Stains

My beloved Joel McHale brings us this clip of Stains the Australian Shepherd from this week's The Soup. Try not to laugh.

Best of 2008: The Marja

Tea with Lemon is proud to present our first ever Best Of...The Marja. The Marja is awarded for outstanding achievement in not looking as busted (ugly) as initially suspected. I’ll give you the back-story: When I first met Marja, in the summer of 2007, it was NOT love at first sight, because we are both nerds at heart, as many suspect. Marja flat out did not like me (And she will tell you, without hesitation, all you need do is ask. She thought I was an obnoxious fat-head, and to this day tells me, “I’m surprised you have ANY friends. I realize that the only reason I’m friends with you is because you have heaped so much abuse on me that I now suffer from Stockholm syndrome.”). While, I could only think of the famous line that Fred Sanford used for Aunt Esther on Sanford and Son (“She’s so ugly, I could stick her face in some dough and make some Gorilla cookies!”), after I walked into my kitchen, and saw her just sitting there looking tore up from the floor up. She looked ghastly under the harsh lighting, frowning and reeking of cruelty and spite, on the tail end of what must have been a pretty bad bender (When I relayed this story to N.H.F., he crudely croaked, “Marja! Really? I wouldn’t have even noticed her face if her ass was packed in those jeans at the time!” I answered, “Not only was I not looking at her ass, but even if I tried, it was completely concealed by an ugly dress!”)


Marja

As you can imagine, when Marja contacted me to volunteer for Comic-con and attend a meeting, I was excited about the free passes (the only benefit of volunteering) but thought to myself, “Hopefully the lights are dim. I’ll just have to sit in the back and squint, pray she doesn’t approach me much so I don't throw up. I just need to focus on the perks. On the bright side, at least it’s not an ugly man; I can endure an ugly woman but I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer an ugly man!” So…when Marja sauntered in, looking bitchy, power-mad, and like a woman that could-and does-pull attractive twenty-something hipsters; I was floored and wasted NO time letting her know how relieved I was that she wasn’t ugly, as initially suspected. Thus, a friendship began to blossom (Marja confessed, later, that she still didn’t like me, due to comments like that and she mistakenly thought I was whiny, after I bitched about the lack of refreshments at the boring meeting that dragged on and on and on, when I was simply parched).


Blog regulars and tea-cup winners, Twin and Angela Griswold, pose with Mike during the prestigious, The Marja, award ceremonies.

Now where was I? For our first ever Best of 2008: The Marja, I am pleased to award the man that looked really goofy, upon our first meeting, so I wrote-in poison pen-“(He) was hitting on Allison with the confidence of a much better looking man.” Well, it turns out Mike was a better looking man, than initially suspected. I upgraded him to C-List, after our second meeting, at cougar-hunting station, Pasquale’s, (after realizing that he just looked like a kid playing dress up in his dad’s clothes at our first meeting) and then swiftly upgraded him to B-List after man-hungry Marja (appropriately enough) demanded that he change his shirt in front of her (he was in a too warm sweat-shirt, and borrowed a tee for comfort). After hungrily eyeing his fit frame, up and down, she quipped, “Much better than I expected. Everyone likes a surprise.”

Come get your award Mike! And stay away from pleated pants in the near future, as they are for a more “mature” or heavier man (sigh...like me) and do nothing but age you.

Honorable Mentions: Kirsten Christian (she was in middle of volleyball game, I was impressed after I saw her “put together”), You, Devon (he had a goatee and looked silly)

Book Club Shocker: Laura to Wed!

Our latest book club selecting, Moloka'i by Alan Brennert, was a burden to read and a labor to finish. I liked it, but not a lot. I learned a lot about leprosy (actually Hansen's disease ) and the history of Hawaii, but I think the book should have been 215 pages instead of 400. I recommend it to people who like stories of long suffering women, delivered with more drama and anguish than any soap opera dare. D3 and all female members loved the book, while N.H.F. liked it even slightly less than I. Anyway, it was all worth it because S.B. served a Hawaiian themed dinner that was one of our best ever. I'm still dreaming about it. The biggest news of the night was news that Laura is now engaged! (I detest gossip, but she and Mik went on a date once. Thank heavens it didn't work, as I don't know what I'd do without Angela) We also celebrated Laura's birthday. It was ALL about her, wasn't it? Hopefully no one tries to steal my thunder when I host our next gathering.

Good Day.


The Mutant Toe, property of N.H.F.



Sorry this is so blurry but she put up a bit of a struggle. Why must they always struggle?

SWAMPED!!!!!!!!!

Please join me tomorrow when we wrap up Best of 2008 and discuss our latest book club selection.

Good Day

Pretentious Promo Pic Reveals Plot

This promo pic reveals the intersecting storylines for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Looks like someone will lose a contact lens, while Wolverine will grapple with a really big pimple on his back (Liev Schreiber-a.k.a. Sabretooth- looks rather disgusted by it).
This dumb promotional image is saved only by the presence of an oily Ryan Reynolds (That sound you hear is Marja's deluxe, Rabbit 2009 personal massager revving up) and Hugh Jackmans glorious guns.

Good Day.

Inauguration Wrap-Up: Hipster Speak

Jason the Hipster

When D3 burped, "Jason the Hipster will be riding through San Diego tonight and wants to see you. He's been on a two week motorcycle tour, solo, on the back roads of Mexico." Downright giddy I replied, "How rugged! I can't wait! I bet he just reeks of machismo!" To his credit, D3 sarcastically quipped, "One can only hope." You see, although they grew up in the same part of Minnesota and are good friends, Jason the Hipster is close to the polar opposite of D3 because he is a real hipster. He is not one of these new breeds of hoodie-clad, flat-ironed, girlish hipsters; but an authentic, status-quo challenging, gravel voiced from rolling his own cigarettes, bonafide hipster! I kid you not, he's never even heard of The Jonas Brothers (!) and laughed when I offered him milk and cookies instead of bourbon and beef-jerky (but he still gobbled the cookies down, asked for more, and confessed that ice cold milk was something he may add to his grocery list). Anyway, when conversation turned to the inauguration, he delivered the following chestnut, and I simply have to share it with you

"Man so I'm sitting here eating at this f*cking restaurant in Mexico and they have the inauguration on television and here's f*cking Aretha Franklin singing f*cking America the Beautiful (actually it was "My Country 'Tis of Thee," but lets not burden hipsters with minuscule detail). Man, I'm sitting there getting f*cking choked up because it's so f*cking awesome I think I might f*cking cry. You know that I gave $100 of my own f*cking money to that muthaf*ckas campaign and I'm so f*cking happy, man, because I know this sh*t is pissing off so many f*cking people!"

Moral of the Story: Whether sweet-spirited homo or gravel-voiced hipster, we can all agree on one thing: Aretha Franklin is amazing (Or, in some cases, f*cking amazing).

Tea With Lemon: Inauguration Edition

What you see: A calm Obama. Illustrated with an almost Alfred E. Neuman "What, me worry?" expression.


What I see. Obama's hair will be gray by March.

Me with just a sampling of the yoke I shoulder on a daily basis. Forgive me this moment of self-absorption, but I'm going to make this all about me. If Obama can just relieve me of the biggest of my burdens (Prop 8, D3, the Recession and the Emo-Elf), I'll be happy. Is that asking too much?

Great Expectations...Indeed!

First Lady and All Hail the Queen!

Michelle's already won me over with her persistent, inauguration week use of one of my favorite things on earth; the smart coat.

Oh, and everyone should take a moment to be grateful that Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, took time out of her day to bless us with the presence of her golden throat. Actually, I think "Thank You" cards, from each and every one of you, would be appropriate here.

Good day