Why So Serious?

Boo!

The Editor in Chief Is Coming to Kill You!

The first of many victims meets her doom. You may be next. This is the new breed of "tool vampire" and he is immune to holy water and crucifix. To keep this vampire from visiting your home; keep your television on and tuned to either Lifetime or the Oxygen network. If you don't have cable, The View, Oprah and Ellen also act as repellent, as do all forms of music that lack dreadful amounts of guitar and contain even a minimal amount of soul.

It also fears chewing gum.

You have been warned.

Happy and Gay Night

Tyra asks, "Where did all the minorities go?"

My girl delivers "ugly pretty" and received good comments from the judges on Top Model, but NOT the attendees of gay night!

What would have been an average episode of Top Model (Tyra did or said nothing particularly wacky, thank goodness she is the photographer for next week's fashion shoot!!! Always a smorgasbord of crazy!) was enlightened by the gay-night attendees (Stavvy, Maria, Twin, Bobble and Angela Griswold) sharpening their claws and going after my pick, Samantha. Granted Samantha is not as gorgeous as McKey or that drama-queen, Elina (who is?), but she takes great pictures and I'm hoping she cleans up on the make or break, Cover-Girl commercial, and rightfully restores my bragging rights.

Stunning McKey, Maria's pick, was first call out. Curses!

Sheena was sent home, making Bobble very very happy. Bobble was annoyed by Sheena's "ghetto" vibe and was prone to cursing at the television whenever Sheena opened her mouth. Sheena can take some comfort in the fact that she was the last minority standing.

Bonus Blogging: The Burden of Gay Night
The dinner that was served on my night to host. Let's not quibble over how it happened, let's just focus on the fact that it was my turn to host.

It was my turn to host gay night and, of course, the first words out of my mouth were, "What a burden," followed by, " Whatever shall I do? Maybe I can do a 'Recession' theme night and serve chicken broth and crackers. Better yet, let me call Angela and see if she's working... " I kid you not, before I could even call her, she called me, and said, "Yes, I know it is your turn to host. I'm going to Henry's now, would you like me to pick up some stuff for dinner? How many people are coming?" How I love the woman. This act of kindness relieved a good deal of the burden of my hosting duties, still, I had to open the door for people, yet somehow I managed.

1) Twin suppresses her gag reflex while trying to swallow something sturdier than maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

2) Bobble meticulously rearranges the food on her plate, so it appears she's actually eaten some.

3) Nemo and his hypnotic herpes arrive at Gay Night, simply to eat. Despite looking gay, he isn't, and respectfully left before Top Model started.

4) A sweet Lesbian Emo-Boy, gobbles Angela's cooking.

Terror of the clucking crew!

1) Having consumed my body weight in Vino while clucking non-stop (If Angela ,Twin and Stavvy are conscious, then they are clucking. I used to think Stavvy had a deep voice, but now I realize it is just hoarse due to excessive use), Stavvy finally slumps over, exhausted.

2) Notice how happy and genial Maria looks. This should make you suspicious, as it is far scarier than anything you'll see this Halloween, because she's probably plotting against you.

That's all...

Costume Ideas, Because I Care

This is good; Dwight and Angela from The Office.

Entertainment Weekly has a pictorial titled, Halloween Party! 32 Cool Costumes From PopWatchers, where their readers sent in their Halloween Costumes. It is really lame. I didn't see much, but if you are lazy, useless and last-minute, maybe you'll find something of value here.


Played...but still endearing.


American beauty fantasy (sly and deliciously slutty), Amy Winehouse and a big, ugly Little Orphan Annie.


And my favorite of them all, Facebook Page!

Blunder Begats Coke Bottle Lenses

This morning at 6.25AM, I jumped into Perv’s Prius wearing coke-bottle glasses (I'm blind as a bat), instead of contacts, to work for the first time in over three years.

Perv: You’re wearing glasses? I'm sure there's a story here...

In retrospect, I realize my contact lens was dry because all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room by Twin and Angela’s addiction to non-stop clucking. After Top Model, Twin was yammering on about her South American vacation, on one side of the room, at the same time that Angela was babbling on and on about how she and Mik first met, on the other. Disoriented and needing relief for my contacts (as well as my ears and sanity), I made a desperate dash to my night-stand and dumped some contact lens moisturizing drops in my eyes.

Only, I dumped Murine Ear-Wax removal in instead, as I’d left both identical containers next to each other, like a fool. I think it was the actual surprise of the searing pain that made a larger impact than the pain itself. Excruciating pain that wouldn’t let up, no matter how long I flushed my eye with water in the sink. Don’t worry, I’m still a little traumatized but I’m ok. I tell you only because I wouldn’t wish this pain on ANYONE (Well, that’s not exactly true. I wish it 100x over on every supporter of Prop. 8, and on Danny’s dumb ex-girlfriend, Kaya)

After I had an ear infection last year, I'm scared of putting a Q-tip too far into my ear canal, so I purchased this to keep it clean. Bad idea.

EMO ALERT: Legolas no More!

Angela Griswold just sent this picture text of Emo-Boy (formerly known as Legolas the Emo-Elf) sporting his new hair-cut. It's a huge change from his long-ass hair that fell beyond his shoulders (he was constantly wrapping it in a ponytail). Kind-spirited, sensitive and approachable, Emo-boy has been doing promos for Stavvy, but she hesitated to use him in certain places because of his hippie, elfin-hair. Never one to mince words, I told him, "You're not a little boy anymore so you don't need little boy hair. Your long hair makes you look less employable and more like a deadbeat." Who could possibly argue with that knowledge? I like the new cut, it's a little more emo, Pete Wentz-esque than I would have suggested, but still fetching nonetheless.

That's all.

Household Germs Are Coming To Get You!

Access to variety, or deadly killers?

According to the article here, 6 out of 10 remote controls harbor some sort of cold virus. I'd suggest leaving your television on the same channel or just watching more porn in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Don't be scared little chickens, but according to the article, remote controls are much safer than salt-n-pepper shakers! According to the Scientists at the University of Virginia, long known for its virology research:
"commonly touched areas like refrigerator doors and handles were positive about 40 percent of the time" for cold germs, All three of the salt and pepper shakers they tested were contaminated. Other spots found to harbor the germ: 6 out of 18 doorknobs; 8 of 14 refrigerator handles; 3 of 13 light switches; 6 of 10 remote controls; 8 of 10 bathroom faucets; 4 of 7 phones and 3 of 4 dishwasher handles."

Wow. Who knew that Salt-N-Pepper shakers were so deadly? Well, there's no need to fret, all of this will be moot anyway, once the revolution comes.....

The Aftermath: Franken-Girl Photo Parade

Franken-girl, shortly before I dressed the wound and covered it with a flesh-colored band-aid. I got a sick kick out of it, and that worries me.

Seemingly unaware that we are in a recession, insatiable cock-aficionado and cancer-survivor, the Mysterious Maija (a.k.a. Maria), booked a suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego and requested I stay with her. I almost wish I'd stayed home because now I know what I'm missing and I want to live in that damn hotel. The suite had two HD flat screens, maids, fresh towels, refreshed linens, and security. It also had a VERY sexy shower (although I would come to regret it, after I was violated by Maria's camera phone). Anyway, it was a great weekend (I was so happy Maria could no longer play the, "I have cancer" card), marred only by a skirmish known as "The Great Griswold Skirmish of 2008" and "The Heathen and the Heath Bar Incident". So now, without further ado and minimal commentary, here’s the Franken-Girl Birthday Photo Parade.

The first thing I saw when I entered the Hotel was the big breasts of their newest employee, Mrs. Griswold! Angela just started bar-tending at the Hard Rock and I'm expecting her to make bacon, bring it home and then fry it up. Little did we know at the time, that Angela would soon be involved in "The Great Griswold Skirmish of 2008"

Maria in her favorite position, sandwiched between men, can't help but grin ear to ear.

N.H.F. surprised us with an announced visit from 98-lb Neil! Having abandoned the gym for child-rearing, he's no longer a hunk-monkey, so he can't surf by on looks, and has actually developed a fun, less abrasive personality.

For reasons that are obvious, as we split our Ebony & Ivory milk-shake at The Mary Jane restaurant (N.H.F.'s choice, go figure), 98 wanted me to tell you to be sure you vote NO on Prop. 8, so he can keep his options open.

98 and N.H.F. (behind) horse around in shower.

98 also let me know what was up with our ready for sex shower, by posing inside. I didn't realize the shower would be so.... progressive. This is way too modern for the modest. Still, I figured I would be fine since Maria surely wouldn’t....

THE VIOLATION

....take a picture of me with her camera phone and send it to people. Well, that's exactly what she did. I know. I'm as stunned as you. I felt violated. Especially since I screamed, while showering, "Don't look now please, I have to wash my ass." Like I said earlier, I'm modest. Anyway, that's my comely silhouette above. Strangely enough, we still haven't been able to figure out if I was facing away from, or towards, the camera.

In retaliation, I wanted to put a revealing shot of Franken-girl, in full bikini glory, on this blog, but I forgot to take one. Here she is in the hot-tub (still keeping it tight), with young'uns that flocked into the hot-tub when we got in (I'm not kidding. I suspect they wanted to have group sex with us until they figured out we were so old we should probably be having group sex with their parents instead).
Later that night, (The evening of the "Great Griswold Skirmish of 2008" and "The Heathen and the Heath Bar Incident"), Stavvy, The Griswolds, Nemo, etc. rolled over for an impromptu, hotel room party.

Goodness, joy and lingering spark on the left, spite and vinegar on the right.

Also joining us was Devon ( He's the roommate of a bitter, lesbian Tila Tequila finalist. The first time I saw him was on television, when Tila came to the home towns of the final three finalists. Devon revealed that Tila gave him a lap dance that never made it on air). Devon is youthful and still has that "spark" in his eye that only belong to the very young (Nemo said, "He reminds me of me at 15, when I did nothing but masturbate in the bathroom all day.") I told Maria, "I think he fancies you. You should snap him up, get preggers and carry his child to term. He's young, you can mold him into whatever you want him to be, and he's in architecture school!" Maria answered, "I can't. He's too young. Plus, I don't want to be the one to snuff that spark out of his eyes."

The Great Griswold Skirmish of 2008

Angela, Stavvy and Stavvy's best friend, the ever present glass of wine, pose pre-skirmish.

First off, I must confess that I've done you a great disservice. The photo above of Angela Griswold and Stavvy, was one of the only pics I snapped at the hotel party. So now, you won't know the players in The Great Griswold Skirmish of 2008 or the suspects in The Heathen and the Heath Bar Incident. Since you can't see the three tools (clad in Affliction shirts, all about 5'10" with thick necks) that made lewd hand gestures about Angela's ass, unaware that Mik was watching from across the room, you can't appreciate the drama so I won't get into it. Gossip is vulgar anyway. But, in a nutshell, Mik looked over at the exact second that three of our guests openly "admired" Angela's ass with lewd hand gestures and cave-man slobbering, while she was turned away from them (They were tools but nice enough chaps, I always say, "boys will be boys" and give men too much leeway. Mik argued, correctly might I add, that they were part of our group at that point and should have known better). Oh boy. Mik exploded in fury (I've only seen him this upset a few times before, but usually over something ridiculous, and you never know when its coming), and screamed "Three Idiots!" Then, in case there was any confusion, counted them down to their faces, "Idiot 1! Idiot 2! Idiot 3!" It was ugly, just ugly. One thing led to another, and after Mik smugly rebuffed an apology ("I don't want your apology!") the alpha of their group (the one with the tightest Affliction shirt and thickest neck) began to bark "Let's go then! Let's go right here!" It was unpleasant and I detest unpleasantness. Luckily, I was able to soothe the cave-man's brow and diffuse his anger (I have to confess, I'm very good with people when I want to be. The brute even gave me a hug good-bye!)

The Heathen and the Heath Bar Incident

The next morning. Still groggy and bloated from the night before. I discovered an empty Heath wrapper on the floor! Sure enough, it was missing from the Hotel Mini-bar (eeek! We'd done a run through earlier because Hotels LOVE when drunken fools come home, don't give a sh*t, and crack open that $100 bottle of Vodka and gulp down those $10 peanuts). Worst of all....

The wrapper was on the BATHROOM FLOOR! Someone lost their sh*t, broke into the mini-bar, and then snuck into the bathroom to eat it, during the party! I thought, "Oh crap! I was the only fat person here! Everyone will think it was me!" I immediately grabbed my camera and took pictures for evidence. Then, Maria and I turned into Sherlock Holmes and Watson, and went over a list of suspects:

Mik & Nemo: AHAHHAHAHAHAHA. As IF they were this fun. Immediately scratched from list.

Stavvy: She was a mess during the party. But she only drinks her calories and thinks she's much too precious to scarf in the bathroom.

Walid (Stavvy's Client. The entire evening I called him "Wall-E! Like the movie!" and not one person bothered to correct me): No, he was trim and with friends. Men are not prone to secret chocolate binges.

Angela: Since she was caught sneaking a burrito the next day (It's true. Mik doesn't let her eat fatty foods, so she snuck one the moment she could), she was suspect #1.

Until I realized the culprit was

Horrible Girl: A dreadful woman we met in the elevator. She asked, "Are you here for the convention?" I answered, "What convention?" and she made a strange face like it was something secretive. So, naturally, I barked "You're here for a Porn Convention!" The elevator fell silent as she looked at me with disdain. Later that night, the Horrible Girl (brave with liquor) confronted me at the hotel bar and clucked, "I can't believe you thought I was at porn convention!" and began to berate me. I was grateful when she finished and I prayed to never see her again. So, of course, Maria befriended her and she came to the hotel party with her much much much prettier friend, Francesca (That Nemo put on lock, more on that later). That, my dear friends, is when she snuck into the bathroom and ate the Heath bar! She just looked like the type. Case solved.

The Hypnotic Herpes

I've never seen anything like it in my life. Nemo arrived at the hotel party with a big-ass cold sore on his lip. I kid you not, that cold-sore must have been hypnotic in nature because women were THROWING themselves at him!?!?!? It was insane. A cute blond was all over him Saturday night and then Sunday, at the pool, gorgeous Francesca (her voice was amazing) was helpless to the pull of the hypnotic herpes.

Maria and Francesca, before Francesca was pulled by the Hypnotic Herpes.

Here's Nemo and his big-ass cold-sore now (while Mik flips me the bird in the background). Notice how he's almost tilting it towards Francesca! Daring her to look away! She couldn't and I watched as yet another woman eagerly gave out her phone number. I've seen enough horror movies to know that they hypnotic herpes will soon take over, and beg to be fed!

Nemo wasn't the only one exchanging numbers! I may be getting on but baby still has mad pull. Nick (shown above) walked in with his motorcycle helmet and Maria and I cooed, in unison, "He's cute" (leading Mik to sneer, "You both like pale, Irish men"), and wondered if he was gay or straight. When he came right over, plopped down across from me and struck up a conversation, where we immediately hit if off, the answer was obvious... straight as a board. And an alpha male with a hot girlfriend to boot!

Mik and Nick exchange tips on dating women that work at Hard Rock.

Here she is, Heather, sweet as she can be. When Nick told her, "T is coming over for dinner", she answered, "Oh my goodness. Our house is a mess. I'll have to clean up and get dinner ready when my shift is over and..." I had to rub my eyes and make sure it wasn't Angela talking. I started laughing and told her, "Not tonight! Some other time!" But took mental note of her lack of bitchiness. Always so refreshing.

Here's one of OGBFF's BFF's, Michelle. She is seen playing with her pet shark, Scabies. I am not kidding.

Here's OGBFF with the Griswolds and Nemo. I'll confess, OGBFF has really grown on me, like a rash. The little fella is sweet-spirited and full of good stories. I almost felt the stirring of regret when he whined that something I said previously (on his birthday) had hurt his feelings. I was about to apologize when I realized that the little fella probably can't take a punch, and should be grateful to me for helping prepare him for the cruelty that is life.

BONUS BLOGGING: Maria's Birthday Dinner

Due to circumstances beyond my control. I missed Maria's birthday dinner on Friday night (And was verbally eviscerated by Hot-Nerd Brian for doing so. Publicly on Friday and then again privately, via I.M., on Monday). Since I wasn't there, I can only run these photos and say....I don't like the color grey on Maria.

That's all.




L.B.B. represent!

Yup, this was of punishing length. Those that don't like it can kiss Michelle's ass on your way out of the door!

Good Day!

The Vampire Moth is Coming To Get You!

According to the National Geographic News story "Vampire Moth Discovered -- Evolution at Work": A previously unknown population of vampire moths has been found in Siberia. And in a twist worthy of a Halloween horror movie, entomologists say the bloodsuckers may have evolved from a purely fruit-eating species.

EEEEEK! I grew up near a river in Michigan (not as Idyllic as it sounds. It was less Little House on the Prairie and more like a suburban Good Times spin-off.) and suffered many a sleepless night a Mosquitoes ruthlessly drank my blood while pushing me to the brink of insanity with their annoying buzzing in my ear. Little did I know that evolution would spur the creation of a big-ass, bug-eyed Vampire Moth! If these blood-thirsty beasts make it out of Siberia...DOOM!

Not that it may matter, with the revolution at hand....

Letter From The Editor: Tool on Tour

I picked up my copy of Guitar Hero World Tour at 12am Saturday night. There were about 50 other people there all planning marathon jam fests for the remainder of their weekend. I took Jess with me and she was worried that she'd be the only girl standing out with in a sea of tools, but was relieved when she spotted two other women. The funniest pair was a grandpa/grandson combo, the grandson was giddy with delight and the grandpa was wondering if he'd ever be up this late again.

I got the game home and quickly set it up. I purchased the deluxe edition with wireless guitar, wireless drums, microphone, and game. The drums are awesome. They now 6 total inputs as compared to Rock Band's 5, two of which are cymbals. The bass drum pedal is still a piece of raggity ass plastic, but seems slightly more sturdy than the Rock Band one, however J-Money is still banned from playing it. The drum pads are much quieter than the Rock Band kit, but the stand seems a little less sturdy. The guitar is 100% on point. It has the same buttons and spacing as the Guitar Hero III Les Paul, but an improved strum bar, longer neck, bigger body, and touch sensitive pads for bending sustained notes or for soloing.

The game play is very smooth with better graphics than their competitor's . You get a larger "window" to play notes which makes solos and faster parts a little easier. You can also create your own songs in a virtual studio.

The track listing is the reason I bought the game. They have three Tool songs complete with their own artwork to go along with the game play. You also get songs from bands like KoRn, the Doors, and The Eagles which Rock Band have been unsuccessful in securing. The one downside is that 30 or so of the 84 songs on the disc are also included in Rock Band 1 or 2 (or downloadable).

I will not give up on Rock Band, they have a far more extensive sound track with all of their downloadable content, however if you had to choose one platform or another I'd say Guitar Hero World Tour has the edge.

Cliff notes:
Pros:
Awesome peripherals
Smooth game play
Fun new songs

Cons:
Some tracks redundant to Rock Band
Bass Drum pedal weak

Good Day.

Serial Bridesmaid Stuck in South America

Twin told me this is one of her favorite brides-maid dresses ever. It's cute. Maybe she'll become a fixture on the summer cotillion circuit, so she'll have the opportunity to wear it again.

Yesterday, I received the following e-mail from vacationing Twin:

My backpack got stolen and now i'm stuck in Panama City!!! I have no passport and have to wait till Monday morning to get a new one then i won't be able to leave till (hopefully) Tuesday morning!!!! I'm gonna be all by myself. You're probably the last person who can give me comfort but i need some right now!

Wedding #1: The bride, Esmerelda.

I screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is terrible news! What about gay night*? I also wanted to get some pictures from her friends wedding." After realizing this was not about me, I steadied myself and sent Twin some words of comfort from my new Samsung M520 cellular that I got for free after I called Sprint and cussed them out. Although it was a burden to send the message via phone, I wanted to send her an e-mail right away thanks to the "You're probably the last person who can give me comfort ..." nonsense. I'm sympathetic. I just don't believe in coddling. Anyway, while we wait for Twin, and her cold ring-free finger to return to town, let's look at two of her latest, "Always the brides-maid...." adventures.


The diverse Benetton bridesmaids in expensive dresses they will never wear again.

Twins friend Samantha is preggers. 8 months preggers and still keeping it tight.

Now let's move on....

Bride #2 Jamie

Yasmin, Jamie and Twin at the rehearsal dinner. The three girls are childhood best friends and Jamie is the first to marry. Twin said she also became a "bridezilla" so she and Yasmin had to escape whenever possible...

..to the nearest pool where they could don expensive bikinis.

Although Jamie beat them down the aisle, the girls took some comfort in their superior cleavage.

We could go on and on and on.....

Let's play a game. It's called where's Twin? Rest assured she's in there. When it comes to weddings, she's like Ragu.

*Let's hope the U.S. Embassy can get Twin home pronto! She told me "I wanted to do pumpkin carving on Wednesday with good food (Oh lawd! My smelling salts!) and top model, but lets see if I can get back in the country first." I may go get her myself!